"I can feel the hurt. There's something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering."
~ Albert Borris

"She can paint a lovely picture, but this story has a twist. Her paintbrush is a razor, and her canvas is her wrist." ~ Amy Efaw

Chapter 5

As I made my way towards my go-bag, my intention had been to get my dry clothes and everything I needed for my shower. Unfortunately, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I reached for the items I needed, and couldn't help but stop and stare. I didn't even recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I saw so many scars. I looked horrible. I literally couldn't find one thing in that reflection I actually liked. I never did think I was attractive, even when I was younger. But, looking at my reflection now, I couldn't see how anyone would ever want to look at me. Hell, I couldn't stand to look at me. I had dark circles under my eyes, a brand on my chest, a wound from the stake Ian drove into me, scars from various self-inflicted wounds, plus so many others flaws and problems…each with their own story. Looking at all of them, thinking back to where each one came from, was overwhelming. That overwhelming feeling, combined with all of the thoughts from a few minutes earlier, caused my mind to start racing even more. I couldn't even focus.

Then, everything changed, and I started working as if I were on auto-pilot. I really had no idea what I was grabbing from my go-bag or what I was even doing. I just started moving through the room and walking towards the bathroom. My thoughts were a blur and my body started to move as if being directed by some other force. I didn't even realize that one of the things I had picked up from my bag was a razor, until I felt the cold, sharp blade sliding down my arm. I watched the bright, red liquid flow down my arm, and drip into the sink, completely mesmerized by the patterns it was making on my arm and hand. The pain temporarily snapped me out of it. The racing thoughts in my head stopped for a short time.

I grabbed the items for my shower and stepped under the spray of water. The hot water and stinging feeling hitting my arm kept me grounded long enough for me to finish the shower. When I turned the water off and grabbed the towel, I realized my arm was still bleeding. I may have went a little too deep this time. But, I wasn't about to say anything to anyone about this. I had learned how to treat these kinds of wounds years ago…even those that probably needed professional medical treatment. This was one secret I was definitely going to keep from everyone. The last thing I needed or wanted was more pity…or worse, losing my job because I was thought to be too unstable to be in the field. I found my first aid kit in my go-bag and set to work on bandaging up my arm.

I heard a knock on my door. It was Morgan. "Hey Prentiss. You okay in there?" He yelled through the door.

"Yeah. Why?" I questioned.

"You were supposed to be downstairs 20 minutes ago" was Morgan's worried reply.

I glanced over at the clock and I realized I had been in the bathroom for over an hour. Apparently I had lost track of time. I tried to keep my voice calm so as not to cause him more concern. "Sorry about that. I didn't realize how long I had been. I tried to clean my clothes up before my shower. Just give me like 20 minutes, and I'll be down."

"Okay. Everyone else is already on the jet. Reid and I will just wait for you downstairs." He sounded worried, but didn't say anything else.

"Damn." I quietly muttered to myself. I really need to start getting a handle on whatever is going on in my head. I can't keep losing track of time like this, or everyone is going to know something more is going on with me.

I went back to the bathroom and finished bandaging up my arm. I had to throw away the first bandages I started to use, because the blood had already soaked through them. But, at least it wasn't as bad as it was a few minutes earlier. The bleeding seemed to have slowed down. I re-wrapped the wounds and pulled some extra supplies out in case I need them on the jet. Hopefully that wouldn't be the case, but I don't need to be digging through my bags on the jet if I do. I threw on my clothes that I had already set out and quickly dried my hair and put on some makeup to hide the dark circles under my eyes.

I threw the rest of my stuff in my go-bag, grabbed my badge, gun, and phone. I glance around the room, noticing the clock. Twenty minutes had passed. I know I need to get going or Morgan will be heading back up again, and he'll insist on coming inside this time. I look around one last time, making sure I haven't left anything behind and head downstairs. I see Reid and Morgan in the Lobby and make my way towards them.

"You guys ready?" I casually ask.

Morgan glances at me, and I can tell by the look on his face that he knows something is wrong. He doesn't say anything, but judging by the look he gives me, he'll want to talk once we are on the jet. "Yeah. Let's head out."

We get everything loaded in the SUV and start heading to the jet. Reid asks "Were you able to get your clothes cleaned up?"

"No. I finally gave up and just threw them away" I calmly reply.

"Really? Mine weren't that dirty...just wet. I just rinsed them off and put them in a plastic bag" Reid replied.

"I tried that too, but then noticed they were dry clean only; So, I had to just throw them away."

Morgan kept glancing between Reid and me during our conversation. I know he was trying to determine if there was something I was leaving out of my story, and how honest I was being. Hopefully he bought it. Though being the skilled profiler he is, I doubt he bought it entirely.

We finally arrived at the jet. We all grabbed our bags and boarded. Receiving questioning looks from everyone, Morgan simply stated "sorry. We ran into a little traffic on the way."

Reid looked as if he were going to say something, but stopped short as Morgan shot him a warning look. With that, Reid just sat down and started reading. I found a seat in the corner, away from everyone else.

Morgan came and sat across from me. He waited until I made eye contact with him and quietly said "Emily, I know something is going on with you. Whatever it is, you can talk to me."

"I'm fine Morgan, really. Just thinking about the case is all" was my equally quiet reply.

"I know there's more to it than that. But, I also know you. So, just know that I'll be here for you whenever you're ready to talk about it."

I reached over and squeezed Morgan's hand as I quickly glanced up into his understanding dark eyes. "Thanks."

With that, he got up and went to sit at the other end of the plane. I turned my head to look out the window again as we took off. Once in the air, I started watching the clouds float by the window.

I was hoping that I could use the time, flying back home, to sort through some of the thoughts that were still racing around in my head. My hope was that if I could do that, I could put some of the feelings and emotions back into one of my secret vaults where I could deal with them later, or not at all; Then I could go back to pretending everything was fine, and everyone would stop looking at me like I'd fall apart at any second. Or, like there was something wrong with me. Because right now, I had a tenuous grasp on holding everything inside; all of those feelings and emotions were threatening to spill out like a barely contained dam that was threatening to break at any second.

I just really needed some time to put everything I was feeling back into the nice orderly compartments where they once resided, and start putting my walls back in place. However, I'm beginning to wonder if the part of me that I held on to so tightly, the one that was so good at compartmentalizing everything, still works. Maybe it never did, or maybe I just broke it along the way somewhere. Since it seems like it's getting harder and harder to lock those feelings and emotions away every time they break free.

The locks on some of those compartments, much like my heart, have been broken so many times, that even if I wanted to try and put them back together, I would discover large pieces were missing. The same could be said for my mind. I've locked away so many memories and secrets that it really doesn't leave much room for anything else. Trying to lock away thoughts or memories into something that's broken doesn't always work out.

I realize that there are only so many places within my mind and heart to hide things. Once those are filled, things start to spill into other compartments and affect other parts of my life, whether I want it to or not. It seems like all of my compartments have begun to overflow, break down, and completely disintegrate, and I have no idea how to repair that damage. I've put up extra walls around my heart and mind to reinforce those compartments. To keep others out and those hiding places safe, but even those extra walls will break down or fall apart eventually too. Who knows what will happen then.

As I contemplate that thought, I sense someone sit down across from me. I don't need to look over to know who it is. I could always sense whenever she's near.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I reply, still looking out the window. I am the opposite of fine, but it isn't your concern.

"We need to talk."

"About?" Not sure I really want to know the answer that.

"You've been avoiding me…pushing me away. You wouldn't even look at me after we left the station today. Then at the lake, you looked relieved when Hotch asked me to go back to the station. I know something's wrong, and I'm worried about you Em," concern lacing her voice.

"Everything's fine JJ. We just got busy with the case, that's all." I try and deflect her concern. I really just need some time alone. I have to have time to build my walls back up before I spend any time with you. If I don't, I risk you breaking down more of my walls, and breaking what's left of my heart. I can't handle that right now.

"There is more to it than that, and you know it. You have been avoiding me for weeks. I know everything has been crazy since you came back, but we haven't had one minute alone. You are intentionally avoiding me…shutting me out. I'm not going to keep letting you do that. When we get back tonight, I am coming over to your place." She whispered.

"Don't worry about me. Just go home to Will and Henry." I replied quietly. Please just go home. Maybe I can convince you that I'll meet up with you later on. At least that would give me a little time to build some of my walls back up.

"Henry is with my parents and Will is out of town for a few days. I'm not taking no for an answer. We're going to sit down and talk about everything that's happened. I lost you once and I'm not about to lose you again." JJ stated, determination lacing her voice.