"It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity."
~ Criss Jami

"There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another."
~ E.B. White

Chapter 6

I realize that she has no intention of talking to me right now, but I can't help but worry about her. I knew something was wrong before, and now, I know I'm right. She looks so pale, and she just keeps staring out of the window. I saw Morgan try to talk with her, but it didn't look like he got very far with her either. I don't care what she says; I'm coming back to her place tonight. I need to know she's okay. In the meantime though, since she obviously is going to avoid talking to me for the time being, I will just have to settle for sitting close to her and trying to decide what I want to say to her once I finally have some time alone with her later tonight. I screwed up so badly before, I may only have one chance at it, so I don't intend on wasting it.

Looking back on the night I spent with Emily, our first and last night together, I wish so badly I could change how I reacted. My damn fear came roaring back, and when I looked over at her, sleeping peacefully, I didn't see the positive things that I should have. Instead, I couldn't help but see every worst possible scenarios playing out in my head. My family finding out and disowning me, even though I never talked to them about it. The team finding out about it and hating both of us, firing both of us, or making one or both of us change our jobs. Complete strangers hating both of us for being together. And then there were my own insecurities. Emily was rich, powerful, beautiful, sophisticated, and elegant. What in the world could she ever see in someone like me? I was a poor farm girl from the country. I would never be good enough for her, not to mention her ridiculously powerful family. She would eventually realize that and leave. Then I would have to deal with the fallout of being in a relationship with a woman, having everyone else find out, and still end up alone. I had been trying to start up a long-distance relationship with Will, but if I got into a relationship with Emily, that would be over. What I had with Will was safe. Could I really jeopardize that for something so risky with Emily? I let all of those fears overpower my feelings for Emily and I ran. I snuck out in the middle of the night, while she was asleep. I left a note for her and told her I was sorry. I knew it would hurt her, but I never dreamed how badly things would spin out of control from there.

After that, she just completely shut down. She would barely look at me, and unless it was related to a case, she wouldn't talk to me. She barely talked to anyone on the team outside of work. It was as if some light inside of her just shut off. The walls that I had been able to break down came back up and even more were there to reinforce them. The team noticed and tried to help, but she just told everyone she was fine. Eventually, she started acting like her old self again, around everyone except for me. She was a little friendlier, at least on the surface, but it was still an act. She just didn't want to answer difficult questions about what was going on between the two of us. The problem was that it was just an act. It wasn't real. She just pretended so they wouldn't know anything was wrong and wouldn't keep asking her about it.

A few weeks later, we ended up in Miami on a case that brought Will back into the team's orbit again. I saw the look on Emily's face. Even though she had been pretending to be okay, I know she was still hurting. I was scared that my tenuous grasp on our friendship would end if she had to face him, knowing that we were in a relationship. I tried to pretend we were just colleagues, but it just upset Will, and worse, no one on the team believed me anyway. Will thought I was ashamed of him, which I guess in a way I was. I cared about him, but not as much as I should have, especially for having been in a relationship for as long as we had been.

On top of that, I didn't want him showing up and ruining my chance of salvaging my friendship with Emily. Whenever he was near me, or touched me, I shrugged him off of me. I wanted it to be Emily that was standing near me, or that was lightly touching my back or arm, not him. I missed having her in my life, being close like we were before I screwed everything up. Having him there just reminded me of that with each passing minute. I tried to sneak out of the station, in the hopes that I could talk with Emily alone, but instead I ran into Will. We argued and he asked if I wanted to break up with him. I told him that I thought I might. I wanted, no actually needed, to talk to Emily, to see if she really did want to be in a relationship with me. Or, if we could at least try and repair the damage I did by leaving that stupid note. After I ran into Will in the parking lot, I left and went to find Emily. I knocked on the door to her hotel, asking for her to let me in so we could talk. She said she wasn't up to talking. I told her that it was really important. She just said she would see me tomorrow at the station, effectively ending the conversation, before it ever started.

The next day at the station, Emily shocked me by telling me to go for it with Will. She said she thought we would make a cute couple. She said that because she wanted to make sure I understood that whatever our relationship had been, it was over. We were just friends, if even that. Her comment hurt me more than I thought it would. The previous night, I broke up with Will, and tried to talk to her about repairing our relationship. I had hoped I could start something more than a friendship with her, which terrified me beyond belief. Now she was dismissing me like I was just someone she used to know. I wanted to hurt her back for being so cold to me. So, I ran to him and told him that I didn't want to break up. Just for affect, I kissed him, knowing Emily would see it. She did, and watched for a minute, before Morgan and Reid joined her. I could hear them talking briefly, but I couldn't hear what they were saying.

I ended up flying back separately, so that I could spend a little time with Will in Miami. I told Hotch that I was going to stay to help Will with some final arrangements for his friend. I felt like with all of the back and forth that I had done with Will's emotions, I owed him some time, just the two of us. Besides, I didn't really feel like being stuck on a plane with Emily for several hours. I felt like a coward. I took the easy way out, again.

The next few weeks were definitely awkward, and the fragile state of my friendship with Emily was becoming more and more apparent. Then I got some news that I never expected. I was pregnant. That definitely wasn't what I expected to hear. I had always wanted kids, but in all honesty, I wasn't in love with Will. I cared about him, but I'd actually been planning on breaking up with him after I returned from Miami. I didn't think it was fair to keep stringing him along, but now that I was pregnant, things got a lot more complicated. I called and told him, and he was ecstatic. He immediately started talking about getting married and me moving down to New Orleans. I told him that I wasn't going to quit my job or move down there. He said that we could figure out all of the details later, but that he still wanted to get married right away. I told him that I didn't want to get married either. That seemed to confuse him. He was old-fashioned in that sense. He thought that children shouldn't be born out of wedlock, but I told him that since we weren't living in the 1950s anymore, we should be fine.

I kept in touch with him by phone, but managed to keep him from showing up in DC. He called to tell me that he was coming up to see me. He missed me since he hadn't seen me since I left Miami. Luckily, we caught a case in New York, so I thought I had bought myself some more time, but he ended up showing up at our hotel. I had yet to tell anyone on our team that I was pregnant, but Will spilled the beans. He even mentioned something to everyone about us getting married. I stopped his rambling, but not before I saw the sadness in Emily's eyes. She quickly covered, slamming even more walls down before quickly hugging me with an overly awkward, overly happy congratulation. I could tell it was completely faked for everyone else's benefit. Once she finished hugging me, she quickly made her way to the elevator. I wanted to follow her and talk to her about everything, but I was bombarded by the rest of the team.

The case was difficult and my heart nearly stopped a couple of times while we were there. The first time was when Emily and her partner Cooper were shot at. I initially thought that she may have been the one that was hit, but my nerves were calmed slightly when I realized it was her partner that was hit instead. Then later, one of our SUVs exploded, and I was unable to reach Emily on her cell phone. Due to spotty cell service, the calls weren't going through, so my heart stopped until I finally confirmed that she was okay. I also noticed the relief in her eyes, and heard it in her voice, when she saw me. I knew that as mad as she was at me, she still cared. I hadn't seen that look in her eyes from her in weeks. I was so happy to finally see her walls down, long enough to confirm that we still had a chance to get our relationship back, even if it were just as friends. For those brief moments I thought I lost her in New York, my heart stopped. I realized that I hadn't been thinking about Will or anyone else. My sole focus was Emily and how much I needed her in my life. I knew I needed to find a way to get her back in my life, no matter what.

Will ended up quitting his job in New Orleans and moving to DC to work as a Detective, to be closer to me and our son. I told him that we weren't going to get married, but that I did want him to be a part of our son's life. We found a home that was close to his work, and to the BAU, and got ready for our son's birth. The cases that we did pick up at the BAU were pretty light and Will seemed to pick up right where he left off in New Orleans. Though, he found out that drinking on the job really was a New Orleans thing, so what drinking he did do, he had to save for after work.

Things between Emily and I were still rocky, but at least we were able to be somewhat friendly with each other. Morgan and Garcia helped a lot with that. They had noticed that we weren't on the best of terms, and they intervened as much as possible. Garcia especially tried her best to set up girls' nights so that the three of us could spend time together. Emily always tried to back out of them, but Garcia was very persuasive. Morgan also tried to get Emily to open up, and was mildly successful.

The addition of Rossi to the team brought with it an added bonus. He seemed to click with Emily. They formed an odd bond that no one else could really figure out. It was almost as if Rossi was a pseudo-father figure for her, and he made a point to look out for her, as much, or more so, than Morgan did on occasion.

Then the case at the compound happened and my heart stopped again. Reid and Emily were held by a religious cult leader and Emily, being the ultra-protective person she is, stepped up when Cyrus demanded to know which one of the two of them was the FBI agent. She feared that Reid would be hurt, so she stepped in to protect him. She always looked at Reid like a little brother, and felt overly protective of him. Unfortunately, that left her in a very dangerous situation. We all heard her getting beaten, and then radio silence for several hours. Rossi was able to get into the compound to check on both of them. He confirmed that Emily and Reid were still alive. But, Emily never spoke of what happened during her time in the compound where no sound was picked up. I often wonder what really happened to her during those hours. I've asked her, and so has the rest of the team, but she just says nothing happened and quickly changes the subject. I don't really believe her, and I wish she would open up to me, but that is a conversation for another day.

I had my beautiful son Henry a few weeks after the case at the compound. Emily showed up at the hospital and looked genuinely happy to see me and Henry, but she didn't stay long. I had hoped that she would stop by to visit me while I was on leave. But, when she didn't, I stopped by the BAU with Henry to visit everyone. I really just wanted to see Emily. I couldn't bring myself to stay away from her any longer. I needed to see her. Plus, Garcia insisted on seeing her godson, so I had a valid reason for my visit.

When I finally returned from my maternity leave, Garcia mentioned the ring that I was wearing. I realize it looked like an engagement ring, but it was just a birthstone ring. Will had gotten it for me to remind me of Henry while I was at work. Looking at that ring was a way for me to remember that good things in life still exist, even when I'm surrounded by things that are often so horrible. He had one made for himself as well, considering he works in such a similar field. Emily saw it and took the ring the wrong way. She thought Will and I were engaged, and I really didn't have a chance to explain the significance. I finally found a little time before we were pulled into the briefing room, before our next case. I explained meaning behind the ring. She just said it was fine and I didn't have to explain anything to her. She was happy for me, Will, and Henry. She said all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. She seemed sincere, but at the same time, I could see the sadness in her eyes when she said it. I was about ask her what was really going on, but the briefing for the case was about to start, so I didn't have the chance. It seemed like circumstances kept preventing us from spending any time alone with each other.

I shake my head clear of my thought momentarily and glance over at Emily. She's still staring out of the window…lost in thought as well. I won't let anything else keep us apart this time. We are going to be alone tonight so we can finally talk. Too much has already happened in both of our lives, too much time has already been wasted.