"In the cellars of the night, when the mind starts moving around old trunks of bad times, the pain of this and the shame of that, the memory of a small boldness is a hand to hold." ~ John Leonard
"I no longer want reminders of what was, what got broken, what got lost, what got wasted." ~ Joan Didion
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A/N: In this chapter, violence towards primary character is briefly mentioned.
A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!
Chapter 7
I know some part of you got scared when you thought I died, but if things got serious again, you'd run right back to Will. I can't handle that again. It nearly killed me last time. You say you lost me once, but you can't lose what you don't have. You're with Will now. I'm not going to break up your family. Besides, you made it clear a long time ago that you weren't interested in being with me…at least not in an actual relationship. Otherwise, you wouldn't have run to Will in the first place.
I was okay if you wanted someone to hold you at night when you were scared, to comfort you when no one else understood what you were going through, someone to flirt with or make out with to take your mind off whatever was bothering you, but nothing more serious than that; except for that one time, and after that, you completely freaked out and ended up pregnant with Henry not long after. You really think I am strong enough now to go through all of that again?
I love you, but I don't believe you feel the same way about me. How could you? You never did before, and that was before I was completely broken. I'm a complete disaster now. I can't even look at myself in a mirror. How could I expect someone like you to care about me? To love me? Even if I thought we had a chance before, we don't anymore. I'm too broken to love now. I can't even be there for the people that I should be there for. I'm too broken to be any good to any of them either. I'm too broken to be any good to anyone. They are better off without me, and so are you.
If you insist on coming back to my place, then I guess that's your choice. I'll just have to figure out a way to make you see that I'm just not worth it. Really though, it shouldn't take much for you to realize that. I still want to be your friend, but I can't be anything more. Besides, if you ever figured out everything else I am keeping from you, and the rest of the team, you wouldn't even want to be my friend. I can't risk getting hurt again, not by you. I've been hurt too many times before. Secrets and lies have a way of doing that. You may not realize it now, but you are better off without me. In truth, I am just trying to protect all of you.
I realize that I have been lost in thought as JJ reaches over and squeezes my hand, but I can't seem to find the words to say right now. I glance up and meet her eyes for just a minute. That may have been a mistake. I always get lost in her beautiful blue eyes. They're so expressive. I give her a sad smile and squeeze her hand back before turning away to look back out the window. I know if I keep looking into her eyes, I'll get lost in them.
I fell for her the moment I laid eyes on her, but those feelings were just another thing I had to keep locked in one of my hidden compartments. I know she felt something too, but I was never sure exactly what it was, or how deep those feelings actually went. But, something inside of her was scared of whatever her feelings for me were, so instead of dealing with them, she ran from them. My heart broke when she did.
I tried to be supportive of her life with Will, but that didn't turn out well. She would show up at my door after a rough case, looking for solace. She would leave with a little bit of the comfort she needed, whether it was from me simply holding her while she cried, a long conversation, passionately kissing and touching one another, or the one time that we both got carried away. But every time, she left before the sun rose, and I was left with nothing but loneliness and more feelings to lock away.
Each time she left, I tried to rebuild those walls that she seemed to knock down. After a while, I realized that I had to keep her at a distance. She had already gotten too close and she would never leave Will for me. She had made her choice and I had to live with that, and so did she. I just couldn't risk letting her get too close anymore. It just hurt too much. So, I went back to being her friend and co-worker and distanced myself as much as I could. I reinforced the walls around my heart. I locked the secrets away that I had been so close to sharing with her. I had so many problems that she came so close to finding out about…so many secrets.
Secrets are like poison, but I learned from an early age how to keep them. Maybe that is why I started to self-injure. It was easier to hurt myself than to reveal secrets that could hurt others. Hurting others was never something I could do very well. Some secrets I found out by accident. Some are my own. Others would be ones that someone else would share with me. They'd ask me to keep their secrets for them. I always did, but at a cost to myself and oftentimes, someone else I cared for. Instead of sharing them and causing pain to others, I turned that pain towards myself. I tended to make poor decisions. It was as if I lived my life constantly pressing some hidden self-destruct button.
Those secrets caused more problems than I could fix in a lifetime, so I just learned to keep them to myself. Many of them are still hidden away in one of my compartments somewhere. Some have been discovered over the years, but never because they were divulged by me. I have found that those particular secrets become quite confusing to keep, as you end up still keeping them from certain people or groups, since not everyone is privy to every secret. Problems then compound as secrets lead to more secrets. It truly is exhausting; mentally, emotionally, and even physically.
Kind of like the situation with Lucas. Now Garcia, Hotch, and Rossi all know, at least part of the story, but the others don't.
Damn him. I didn't think I would ever see him again. All I had wanted to do was to go for a walk that night to clear my head. After losing Matthew and all of the memories that case had brought up, I needed to clear my head. Rossi had offered to drive me home. Why didn't I just let him? But no, I had to go for a damn walk in the snow. Ending up walking through the park that night was never part of my plan, and neither was Lucas finding me after all that time. I guess he had been watching me for a while. I just didn't know it then. What kind of profiler does that make me if I don't even realize someone is stalking me?
Detective Jackson realized pretty quickly that I had a connection with Lucas, but I didn't share what I knew with him right away. I was too shocked by everything that happened to say anything. Besides, I had to make sure that what I did share with Detective Jackson wouldn't impact anyone else. When I finally told him I knew who Lucas was, they found him and arrested him. Lucas was surprised I knew it was him. He thought I was unconscious the whole time, but I remember him calling me by a name only he used to say…Mia. No one but Lucas ever called me Mia. I heard the person who attacked me call me that name that night, so I knew it was him.
I was just grateful that no one, including Lucas, realized I was hiding something else. I just shared enough detail with Detective Jackson in order to put Lucas in prison and thought everything was resolved. I should have known better. Now I have to worry about him being free again. I also have to worry about him and everyone on my team finding out what I kept hidden that night. They all thought that my time with Ian was my only big secret. If they only knew; I have so many secrets and my time with Ian was just the tip of the iceberg. Plus, they still don't know everything about that situation either. They just thought they found out everything. Again, complicated secrets that start to become confusing to keep. But, in each situation, I'm keeping those secrets to protect everyone else. Damn it. Why couldn't I have just had a normal life? But, I guess that was just never going to happen. Not in my life or in my family.
I guess when you grow up learning how to keep secrets, for various reasons, or because you have to throughout your life, sharing them with others seems unnatural. Besides, I'm doing it to protect the people I love. Well, mostly for that reason. There are a few that aren't for that reason, but those are for self-preservation and because I really am horrible at sharing my feelings. I just never learned that skill when I was younger.
I think that was probably why it was easier, or at least less complicated, to act like everything was fine after Lucas found me in the park that night. I put that night away in one of my compartments. I didn't tell Detective Jackson or anyone else everything that happened. Only the doctor knew exactly what occurred, and I insisted they not release any specific details. Once I was physically able to be released to work, Hotch insisted I pass a Psych Eval. It was sweet of him to be concerned, but the Evaluation was completely useless. I have been able to fake my way through those for years. I plastered on a fake smile and gave the therapist the answers I knew they were looking for and passed without any problems. Good thing they aren't around my condo at night. They would have witnessed the never-ending nightmares that plagued my sleep, and still do most nights. Those I can't seem to find a way to make them stop. I have had them for years, but after that night in the park, they came back, full force, once again.
I absent-mindedly rub my head, in the exact spot that I was hit that night. I remember feeling that sharp pain in my head, staring into his evil, icy, grey eyes. Most everything was a blur except his eyes, and hearing him whisper "I've missed you Mia", since the pain emanating from my head was so overpowering. I tried to struggle free from his grasp, but he was just so strong. I tried to scream, but his hand covered my mouth…
I am momentarily shaken from my thoughts as the plane hits some turbulence. JJ reaches out and squeezes my hand and I briefly flinch and pull my hand away. I glance up and see the hurt in her eyes and realize what I have done.
"Sorry. You startled me." I quickly whisper an apology. Okay…just breathe. You are on the BAU jet…not in that damn park with Lucas. Take some deep breathes and get it together Prentiss.
"What were you thinking about? You looked like you were a million miles away just then." JJ asks, worry lacing her voice.
"Nothing. Just looking at the clouds." I quietly reply. Funny how easily I can lie about secrets or keep secrets about lies…especially when I am thinking about all of the secrets I am keeping.
"But just then…when I touched your hand…you looked…scared. You flinched and pulled your hand away. You've never done that before. If you don't want to talk now, that's fine. But we're going to talk about it when we get back to your place. I can't stand to see you scared or in pain, Em." JJ stated sadly.
"You just startled me. That's all. Really, I'm fine JJ." I quietly reply and look away.
I glance down at my arm, noticing that as we began our impromptu conversation, my arm had begun to sting a little. Apparently I jostled something loose when I jerked my arm away, and judging by how my arm's feeling, I could tell I needed to change my bandages again.
"I'm going to go splash some water on my face. I'll be back in just a sec." I stated as I got up and made my way to the bathroom on the jet, careful to tuck the necessary supplies into my pocket as I went.
As I closed the door to the bathroom, I unbuttoned my shirt and pulled my arm out of the sleeve. I noticed fairly quickly the bright red bandage. I was amazed that the blood hadn't seeped through onto my shirt. I guess it was a good thing I grabbed a black shirt today instead of another color. I quickly removed the old bandage, cleaned and re-wrapped the wound, and slipped my arm back into my shirt. I re-buttoned the shirt and flushed the old bandages away. Once finished, I cleaned up the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I took a look at my reflection once again in the mirror.
God, I look like shit. I'm much paler than normal, and considering how pale I normally am, it's no wonder that Morgan and JJ kept asking me if I was okay. I look like I am half-dead. Great. If I don't pull myself together and fast, the whole damn team is going to be hovering around me or worse, taking me to the damn hospital thinking I'm sick or something. That's the last thing I need right now.
I glance down at my watch and see that we still have a few hours left on our flight.
Maybe if I can just rest until we get back home I can keep everyone off my case long enough to get back to my condo. Well, everyone that is except JJ. Then I just have to figure out a way to get her to leave. Based on past experiences, the best way to get her to leave quickly is to make out with her, or have sex with her. But, given my current physical state, neither one of those is happening anytime soon. So, I guess I'll have to figure something else out. Besides, I have some other things I need to take care of when I get home, especially given Lucas is out on parole. Things that I can't let her find out about. More secrets…but I guess that's the one thing that I am good at…keeping secrets.
I make my way back out of the bathroom and towards my seat.
JJ, apparently worried that I had been taking too long, had started to head towards the bathroom to check on me, and bumped into me. Seeing that I started to fall when she bumped into me, she reached out and grabbed my arms to help steady me, trying to guide me to me seat.
"Thanks." I whisper, but notice a surprised look on her face.
"What?" I ask quietly, seeing the look on JJ's face.
"Em…" JJ whispers, as she slowly reaches for my injured arm.
I start to pull my arm away, but she reaches it before I can get it away from her grasp.
She softly holds my arm, right where my bandages are located, and asks in a whispered voice "What's… going on? What happened to your arm?"
I knew I had to come up with something believable, and quick. The lake. Yeah, that would make sense. "It's fine, JJ. It's just a scratch. I just caught it on something in the lake. There was a bunch junk in there." I quietly reply as calmly as possible.
"Did you tell anyone else about it? Hotch, Reid, Morgan, Rossi?" JJ inquires.
"No need to say anything. It isn't that serious." I calmly reply.
"You look really pale Em. If it was something from the lake, you could get an infection. We should tell Hotch. You may need to go to the hospital to have them look at it. You could need stitches or a tetanus shot." JJ's concerned response.
"It's not serious enough for stitches, so I'm not going to the hospital. And, I just had a tetanus shot a little while back, so, I don't need another one. So, please don't worry. I'll be fine." I whisper.
"Em, I'll always worry about you. Haven't you figured that out by now? But, I'll let it go…for now. We can just talk about that, along with everything else, once we get back to your place tonight." JJ firmly stated.
Ohhh Great. Yet another topic for discussion in a conversation that I'm not looking forward to at all. Just my luck, she'll want to examine my "lake injury". At least it isn't the worst cover story I've had over my years of trying to hide my self-injury. Thankfully, at least on the surface, everyone has believed what I have told them, so far.
For now, I'll just go back to looking out the window and try to avoid the concerned look that JJ is currently giving me. I'm still trying to put my walls back up and lock all of the secrets away in my compartments. Unfortunately, I have just added another secret to that growing list.