A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense.
I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!
"Consciously or not, we are all on a quest for answers, trying to learn the lessons of life. We grapple with fear and guilt. We search for meaning, love, and power. We try to understand fear, loss, and time. We seek to discover who we are and how we can become truly happy." ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"Everything that happens today is like something in the past, but it's also unlike things in the past. We never know until an event happens if it's the similarities or differences that matter more." ~ H. W. Brands
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Chapter 10
I realize that I have been staring at Emily for the past few minutes, but she doesn't seem to have noticed. She's pulled a blanket up around herself, as if she's trying to shield herself from everyone's view. It looks, from here, like she's absent-mindedly holding her injured arm. I'm not entirely sure if that's to shield it from view or because it's hurting. I've seen her act this way before. Rosalyn used to do the same thing once in a while. Seeing Emily behave in a similar way just heightens my concern. I remember being concerned about Emily before, when she reminded me of Rosalyn for one reason or another. But, every time that happened, she always deflected or something came up and the subject was changed, so I was never able to figure out what was going on. This time, I'm going to find out.
I remember when I first started to make the connection between Rosalyn and Emily and their similar behaviors. We got a case in Wyoming. As soon as they contacted me I knew that I would struggle with it. I just never thought that I would find myself thinking of Emily in relation to the case as well. I hadn't really talked about my sister to anyone, other than Garcia, before that case. She knew, but never told anyone else, or brought up my sister to me either. Garcia was there to listen if I needed to talk, but otherwise, she just never mentioned it. Talking or even thinking about my sister was just too painful.
I had thought about talking to Emily about Rosalyn over the years, but the timing just never felt right. Besides, it's not exactly easy just randomly discussing suicide. What was I supposed to say? How was your weekend? Oh, did I ever mention that my sister killed herself when I was 11 and I was the one that found her? It's haunted me for years since. Hey, could you pass the Splenda. Yeah, that would have been an interesting conversation in the breakroom. Especially considering how complicated our relationship was the past few years. That all changed with this case.
I had to convince Hotch to take the case in the beginning. I had a gut feeling something was wrong. Call it intuition or just a weird case of déjà vu. Something inside told me that the kids in this case weren't killing themselves, even if it looked that way to everyone else. I unfortunately knew a lot of the warning signs for suicide, and in this case, the kids just didn't seem to have them.
"4 successful suicides in the same rural county in a week? That's, uh, way above the national average." Hotch quietly stated.
"I know. These kids don't fit the pattern. No drug or alcohol abuse, no antidepressants, No prior arrests. These are just plain good kids who decided to hang themselves at approximately the same time on a Friday night. When someone feels trapped in what feels like a hopeless situation, pulling the trigger or swallowing pills or hanging yourself seems like the only way out. None of that seems to exist here. Something's really wrong. Hotch, I can feel it." I implored.
Hotch agreed to look into the case and I felt a small sense of relief. It wasn't until we were on the plane and discussing the details that I started feeling a sense of dread again. It wasn't about the kids from the case, but because I was remembering Rosalyn and all of the signs she had before her suicide. I had noticed some of them, and some our family had simply missed. The most glaring was the necklace that I still wore on some cases. I played with the necklace while my team discussed the case. I hadn't meant to speak up, but I was too familiar with the topic to not share the information I thought could help.
"Let's talk about victimology." Hotch starts.
"Ok. All 4 kids were decent students, from different neighboring towns, but the same school and the same county" Rossi began.
"Active in sports and community" Morgan continued.
"Intact families, no mental disorders, no precipitating events" Emily added her thoughts.
"These are just average good kids. There has to be some underlying issue" Morgan continued.
"Besides relative proximity, there's no obvious connection between any of them" Reid spoke up.
"It seems to rule out an overt suicide pact" Hotch noted.
"The first few days leading up to a teenager's suicide are usually very telling. Their behavior is transparent. There's a multitude of indicators." Reid continues.
"Yeah, but the most common don't exist here. There's no prior attempts, no period of deep depression, no withdrawal from family members, no spontaneous proclamations of love." I interject. Given how much Reid normally likes to list everything, I had hoped he would in this case. It would have saved me from having to speak up.
"Spontaneous proclamations of love?" Emily questioned, glancing back in my direction.
"Sometimes a suicidal person, in the days leading up to the act, will just blurt out 'I love you' to family, sort of like a goodbye." I add, diverting my gaze away from everyone. Just like Rosalyn did with me.
I could tell by the looks I was getting from everyone that they were wondering where I came up with that random bit of information, especially given that I wasn't trained as a profiler. I tried to avoid everyone's inquiring gaze, and went to grab a bottle of water from the back of the jet. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and when I turned back around, Emily was standing right in front of me. I don't know how long she had been standing there watching me, but she gave me a knowing look and asked "are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Em." I quietly replied.
"Are you sure? The conversation earlier seemed personal to you. I know we haven't been on the best of terms recently, but if you need to talk, I'm here JJ." Emily softly replied.
"I really appreciate that Em. Really, I do." I pulled her into a quick hug before she realized what I was doing and felt her respond in kind. As I pulled back, still maintaining my connection to her by holding her hands, I looked into her dark, understanding eyes and whispered "I'll explain everything later."
With our hands still intertwined, remnants of the hug from just moments ago, I quickly leaned in and kissed her cheek, before walking back to the main part of the jet.
Later that night at the hotel, I finally told Emily the story about Rosalyn. She was very supportive and understanding. After breaking down several times during my story, I was emotionally exhausted. I asked her to stay with me that night, and she agreed, though I could tell she did so reluctantly. She held me most of the night while I slept, staving off the nightmares that I was sure to have had, if not for her safe, protective embrace.
I awoke the next morning to a note from Emily. She'd left a short time earlier stating she needed to go to her own room to get ready and she'd meet me at the station. She had been much kinder in her note to me, than I had been in my note to her. Then again, out of the two of us, I had always been the one that was the coward. I wished, even then, that I had the strength to tell her the truth about everything, but I had been so emotionally drained after telling her about Rosalyn, I thought I'd just talk to her after the case about everything else.
Once I arrived at the station, Emily offered me a sad, understanding smile, but something seemed a little off. We continued to work the case and it was eventually resolved. Emily continued to offer her quiet, comforting support, but she'd become more distant again. The others noticed a change as well and asked if I knew what happened. I realized later that though I really needed her support that night, I pushed her too far, too fast, in asking her to stay the night. She ended up putting up more walls again, effectively closing me off from her emotionally. While she genuinely seemed to try, it was as if the more she tried to help me, the more she ended up hurting herself.
On the ride back to DC on the jet, I sat across from her in the hopes we could talk, but by that time, she had almost completely disengaged. I watched her intently as she stared out the window. She occasionally pulled at her sleeves, and wrapped her arms around herself as if to find comfort somewhere within herself. She had a blanket covering her lap and after noticing I was watching her, she pulled the blanket up further around herself as if she were trying to hide herself from my gaze.
I sat back and turned away slightly, giving her a little more privacy, but kept an eye on her through my periphery. I thought back over the times that I had been around her and realized that she really was shielding herself from my view, and it wasn't the first time she had done the exact same thing. That got me wondering exactly what she was trying to hide.
I found myself remembering Rosalyn doing something very similar, only to discover that she had been injuring herself. I had threatened to tell our parents, but she had made me promise not to say anything to anyone. Being a child, and Rosalyn being someone I looked up to, I had believed her when she said that it wasn't anything to be concerned about. Seeing similar traits in Emily, I began to become concerned that Emily was possibly doing the same thing that Rosalyn did when I was a kid.
Was Emily hurting herself physically? I tried to steal a glance at her arms, but they were completely covered. I began to think back over the times that I had been around her and realized that I rarely, if ever, saw her in sleeveless or short-sleeved shirts. I did when she first started at the BAU, but after she started to become withdrawn from me and our team, I couldn't recall any time that she had worn anything other than long sleeve shirts, sweaters, or jackets.
My concern started to grow, though given the case we had just been on, I couldn't be certain if it was just my overactive imagination or if I had a reason to be concerned. I decided that whether Emily wanted me to or not, I was going to start watching her, her behavior, and her wardrobe much more carefully in the future. I was not about to take the chance and miss the signs with her the same way I did with my sister. Emily meant too much for me to take a chance of losing her too.
I spent the next few weeks and months keeping a much closer eye on her. I noticed that she never wore short sleeve shirts. At first, I could attribute that to the fact that it was cold outside. However, once it started to become warmer weather, it became more and more obvious there were other reasons for her choice of wardrobe. I also noticed that she constantly tugged on her sleeves, ensuring they never rode up to reveal anything past her wrist. In fact, she wore shirts that would fall below her wrists in many cases. She tried to avoid sharing rooms with me if at all possible. And on the rare occasion that we would end up sharing a room during a case, she wouldn't come back to the room until I was asleep. That, or she would completely disengage from any conversation I would try to have with her and she would still be awake when I fell asleep. In either case, she would be awake and dressed before I woke up. I often wondered if she even slept those nights.
I attempted to confront her about it a few times, but she always had an excuse ready for whatever she thought I saw, or might have noticed. The excuses she gave me were believable enough, and I never had any proof she wasn't being honest with me, so I never had any reason to involve anyone else. All I had were my suspicions. I had thought about involving the others on the team, but if I were wrong, then I would destroy any chance we had at repairing our relationship. I decided to just keep a close eye on her until I had more definitive proof one way or the other.
Realizing that Emily is doing the same thing now as she did after that case in Wyoming, I have to wonder if she really did injure her arm in the lake, or did she intentionally injure herself? This time, I'm going to find out. Looking down at my watch, I realize we should be landing soon. We'll be back at her condo tonight and I won't let her deflect or change the subject. One way or the other, I will find out what it is she's been trying so hard to hide. If it is the same thing as Rosalyn…if she is hurting herself…I'll figure out a way to help her…I won't let her keep pushing me away.
I let Rosalyn lie to me and I believed her…she pushed me away too…she hid her secret from me too long. That cost me my sister's life. I chance a quick glance over at Emily…still quietly looking out the window…lost in her own thoughts. I won't make the same mistake again.