A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense.
I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!
"The blade sings to me. Faintly, so soft against my ears, its voice calms my worries and tells me that one touch will take it all away. It tells me that I just need to slide a long horizontal cut, and make a clean slice. It tells me the words that I have been begging to hear: this will make it ok." ~ Amanda Steele
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." ~ Stephen King
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Chapter 11
I chance a quick glance over to JJ and realize that she is lost in thought. Good. Maybe she's forgotten about what happened a little while ago. Hopefully she's moved on and is worrying about something else other than me now. Maybe she's just thinking about Henry and making plans for when he gets home. I wonder why he's staying at her parent's place instead of with Will? I know she said he's out of town for a few days, but still. Why didn't Will just take Henry with him? I wonder where he had to go that he couldn't take Henry? Guess that's not really my concern though.
I hear the pilot come over the intercom to say that we will be landing shortly. It's enough to shake JJ from her thoughts. Damn it. I quickly look back out the window again. Hopefully she won't notice that I had been staring at her for a few minutes. That's the last thing I need; for her to start thinking about me again and my damn "lake injury". God. I just hope she believed me. I really don't want to have to deal with having to explain that whole situation to someone. I have a hard enough time trying to figure it all out myself. How can you begin to explain something like that to someone else when you can't really wrap your mind around it yourself?
Still, I start to wonder about it all. I try to remember back to when and why it all started again. When I started at the BAU, I hadn't self-harmed in years, and honestly, I hadn't thought about for quite some time. But something happened once I started working there. I'm not sure if it was the stress from all of the emotions I was trying to keep contained, seeing all of the criminals and what they did to their victims, or something else.
I just knew I needed to prove to everyone that I belonged there. I had to prove that I could be professional and strong. I wasn't there because of my mother or some other political reason, but because I was qualified. In fact, I was over-qualified, given my Interpol and CIA background, but they weren't aware of that then. I needed to show everyone, myself included, that the BAU was where I meant to be.
Plus, I didn't want to go back to the CIA. I knew I couldn't handle another undercover assignment; especially not with how everything ended with Ian. That left me with a lifetime of secrets to try and hide. I already had more than a lifetime stashed away in my hidden compartments before that assignment; that just added more secrets and lies for me to try and figure out a way to "contain". Plus, I had other important reasons that I needed to remain in DC. Reasons that I couldn't let anyone else know about.
I was fine during the first few cases at the BAU, but then everything started to change. I'm really not sure when that happened, or why. Then again, maybe I am. All of my carefully constructed walls and compartments, the ones I thought were so well hidden from everyone else, had been noticed. JJ called me out about my lack of emotion on a case, and I realized that I wasn't reacting like I should in that kind of situation. I'd thought I was being professional, but apparently I came off as cold and unfeeling instead. I was a little taken back by her comment, and a little hurt if I'm truly honest.
From the moment I first saw JJ, I was drawn to her. I knew it was a bad idea to get close to her. I could tell by the look in her soft blue eyes, that she had the ability to break down my carefully constructed walls, if I wasn't extremely careful. But I didn't listen to that voice inside my head that was warning me to proceed with caution. So, when she called me out about not being affected, not flinching at what I was saw, I realized that I'd been too cold, in an effort to reinforce my walls protecting my mind and heart.
I knew I was walking a fine line to let my guard down a little. I needed to show some emotion, without showing too much, especially around her, or my team would never trust me. I wanted to fit in, be accepted, and trusted by all of them. I realized in that moment, to be accepted and trusted by my team, required showing some level of emotion, even if I had to fake it. Dealing with emotions, and especially sharing my own, was never a skill I was very proficient at. I bottled up the hurt that her comment caused, locked it away in yet another compartment, and moved on. Looking back though, that may have been part of what led me down the slippery slope I ended up on.
As the cases went on, I tried to show more emotion, even if it wasn't always completely real. By doing this, I began to earn my team's acceptance and trust. I started spending time with the team outside of work more often. JJ and I also spent a great deal of time together. We became much closer than either of us ever dreamed. However, this ended up being both a blessing and a curse.
My mind started to race at night with the cases I saw, the criminals and their victims, my genuine concern for my team's safety, as well as my feelings for JJ. I'd never really been close with anyone other than my family before I started at the BAU. After working on several cases together, and spending all of the time I did with my team, especially JJ, I was beginning to see them as my family as well. To add to my confusion and racing thoughts, I saw JJ as someone that could potentially be more than just a friend.
However, mixed up emotions and feelings, really bad timing, insecurities we both faced, all of the secrets that I had to keep, and still do, Cyrus, losing Matthew, Lucas, Ian, plus whatever it was that was happening in JJ's life that caused her to continually show up at my door, only to run away every time, plus a dozen other reasons and excuses, ended our chance before we ever had one.
One of the problems was that I was close with my team; I still am. But, I was constantly worried that my tenuous grasp on happiness would be shattered at any moment. That was proven correct time and time again. I started to panic, at least on the inside, wondering when the next terrible thing would happen, because something always happened. I was constantly waiting for the rug would be pulled out from under me. My happiness just never seemed to last.
After a bad case and some issues in my relationship, if it could've even been called that, with JJ, my mind was racing and I couldn't get it to stop. I knew I needed to put some walls back up around my mind and heart or the rest of my team would see how weak I really was. I wasn't about to let that happen. I tried reading, watching TV, listening to music, but my mind kept racing.
My thoughts were so scattered when it happened, I really have no idea what propelled me to pick up a blade again, other than shear panic, or where I even found the blade. But, when I saw that blood trickling down my arm something triggered in my head...I felt much calmer. I remembered that feeling from years before and it was a combination of fear and peace. Fear that I had resorted to doing this again and fear that I had no idea how it even happened. Peace that my scattered thoughts were stilled and peace that the panic I had just been trapped in moments earlier had subsided. Such a confusing combination to feel, but then again, the thoughts swirling around in my head are often confusing as well.
It's strange...The inner voice I thought had been silenced so many years ago...the one that called out to me to reach for that razor blade had returned. Apparently the lock to that compartment had been knocked loose and I hadn't noticed. It's really amazing how quickly I fell back into that habit after so long of not doing it. Almost like a reunion between long-lost friends. My monster had returned and I had no willpower left to fight it.
I managed to keep it hidden from everyone, for the most part. If someone did notice an injury or mark here and there, I would deflect or quickly come up with a believable cover story. I think everyone bought it. If they didn't, they never called me out on it. Then the situation with Ian happened. The doctors assumed that all of the scars were from injuries he inflicted, and I never denied it. Cop out I realize, but it's much easier to deflect the blame than to acknowledge the truth behind the new scars and those that had already faded. Being alone in Paris just gave me more time to try and fight my inner demons, which led to more scars, inside and out. Once my monster came back, he never left my side.
Once I physically recovered enough, I decided that I was going to find Ian and return to my old life...or die trying. Everyone, including Ian, already thought I was dead. What did I have to lose? Being alone in Paris, just me and inner demons, I felt like I was slowly going insane. At least back in D.C., back at the BAU, I could go back to pretending to be a stable FBI agent, a BAU profiler, someone that hunted criminals, not someone that was being hunted by one. In Paris, I was just a shell of a person, a hermit, cold and alone, with too many thoughts swirling in my head.
While I was trying to decide when to make my return to D.C., my mind started to race even more. Would I involve Hotch and Strauss? Should I attempt to locate Ian alone again? It worked out so well the last time. What should I do? How would I keep those I still cared about safe? I decided that I at least needed to contact Hotch. He would be able to let me know if the team had discovered any new information about Ian while I was away. He could pass that information on to me, and even if I wasn't back at the BAU, I could use that information to track down Ian on my own.
When I was finally able to get in touch with Hotch, he told me that Morgan had been working covertly on tracking Ian down. I had him let JJ know I was alive, though the rest of the team still had to be kept in the dark for the time being. I still wasn't able to see JJ, but we spoke briefly on the phone. That quick phone call was the first time since my fight with Ian, which resulted in my "death", that I felt some connection to my previous life. She told me that she had just started back at the BAU and Hotch had caught her up on what Morgan had been working on... tracking down Ian. I could tell by the tone in her voice that something was off...as if something else had happened while I was away being "dead", but I didn't mention it. There simply wasn't time. I apologized for her being kept in the dark for so long about my "death" and she said it didn't matter…she was just grateful I was alive. She told me that she loved me…and I could tell by the way she said it that she meant it as more than just as my friend. I was caught off guard by her admission. I didn't know how to respond, other than with the truth. I did love her; I never stopped, but that didn't fix anything. I tried to change the subject quickly. We didn't have time for an in-depth discussion at that point, and really, what would it have solved in the end? I was just so grateful to hear her soft, soothing voice after so long. She promised she would do whatever was necessary to bring me back.
Not long after that phone call, everything the team had been working on finally panned out, but not before Declan was taken. When Hotch called to tell me that Declan was in danger, I told him I was on my way back to D.C. He wanted me to stay put...to not put my life in jeopardy, but when it came to Declan's life, I was more than willing to risk mine. I told Hotch I was returning and to let the team know. He did, and for lack of a better phrase, they were shocked. Things were icy at first, especially with Reid and Morgan, but they eventually came around.
Reid was even upset with JJ at first for not telling him I was alive. I explained to him, and the rest of the team, that JJ only found out I was alive a short time before they did. I wasn't happy about how things turned out any more than they were, but it was for their safety even more so than mine. I wasn't about to risk Ian using one of them against me. I've always been willing to risk my own life for others, but I've never, and would never, endanger someone else, especially not for my life. I've never felt as though my life was worth the risk. That was true before Ian showed back up in my life, and it's even truer today.