A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense.
I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!
"Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity." ~ Khalil Gibran
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." ~ Khalil Gibran
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Chapter 12
I hear the pilot say that we will be landing shortly, and glance over in time to notice that Emily had been watching me. I guess I had been thinking so intently, I hadn't noticed. Unfortunately, as soon as I did, she averted her eyes and started staring out of the window again. Damn…I wish she would stop shutting me out like that. I wonder what she is thinking about now? I can't help but remember when everything changed for us so dramatically.
It wasn't long after that case in Wyoming, I was called into a meeting with Strauss. She told me that I was going to be assigned to a special task force, though I wouldn't be given specific details until I arrived at my location, as it was a classified mission. The team would be told that I was being transferred to the State Department. I told her I wasn't interested, but she advised me that it wasn't up for discussion.
She told me that she would give me some time to make whatever arrangements I would need with regards to the BAU and my family, and that the "transfer" would only be temporary, though my team would be told it was permanent, with the exception of Hotch. He would hold my position, given the unique circumstances, but assign a replacement to fill my role. The replacement would only be temporary, until I returned, though everyone except Hotch would believe it was permanent.
Because I wasn't told any of the details regarding where I was going, or what my classified mission entailed, the only thing I was able to let Will know was that I would be gone for an unspecified amount of time, and that if there were any emergency, he could contact Strauss or Hotch at the BAU and they would find a way to reach me.
I tried to get time with Emily alone, to explain what I could about what was going on, but she was still so closed off…distant. I did tell her that I didn't want to leave her. She thought I meant the team, but I told her that while I would miss the team, I was talking about her specifically. I didn't want to spring my secret on her then, given that I was going to some unknown location, for an unknown amount of time. I knew it wasn't fair to her to drop a huge secret like the one I had been keeping on her at that point and then leave. I couldn't explain everything then, but I promised her we figure would figure everything out together later. I know my conversation with her probably confused her even more, given her understanding of my relationship with Will, and what she thought was just a normal transfer to the State Department. I just couldn't explain it all to her then, considering the classified nature of my mission.
I said my goodbyes to my team, wishing I could tell them I would return to them, and the BAU, soon, and made my way to my unknown location. Once I arrived in the Middle East, my life turned upside down once again.
It wasn't until I was there that I realized that it was only Henry and Emily that I missed, not Will. The mission kept me busy, and after receiving an urgent call about Emily, I returned home to help. I never thought twice about the reason for my return or that I would have to return again to a war zone once I finished helping Emily. All I needed to know was that Emily needed me. Little did I know that returning home would shatter my heart.
I used the contacts I'd made at the State Department because of my classified mission to help with the Ian Doyle disaster. In the end, Emily ran off to face Ian alone. By the time we found her, she was badly injured and pleading with Morgan to let her die. Morgan didn't realize that his mic was still on when he radioed for a medic. I'll never forget hearing Emily plead with Morgan to let her go. Hearing her say that haunted me for months. It still does even now.
The Ambassador and Strauss showed up at the hospital while Emily was in surgery. Hotch kept going back and forth between the waiting room our team was in and the room where the Ambassador and Strauss were waiting. We all assumed he was acting as a mediator, since none of us really felt comfortable with Emily's mother or Strauss.
After what felt like an eternity, Hotch emerged from the other waiting room and motioned for me to join him. He knew that even though we had been estranged for a while, I had a special bond with Emily. He wanted to tell me separately that Emily didn't survive the surgery. I walked back in to the waiting room, shock fully setting in. Hotch's words echoing in my brain. "She never made it off the table…" was all I could say. I literally felt the air being sucked out of my lungs and my heart shatter into a million pieces. I'd always thought there would be more time to fix our relationship and get things back on track, but with those six little words, I felt like my life came to a screeching stop.
I walked around the next few days in a fog. I spent time with Will and Henry and I attended Emily's funeral. I laid a red rose on her coffin, feeling like a part of me somehow died along side of her. I loved seeing my son and spending time with him, but once the case was over, I had to return to finish my mission. Upon my return to the Middle East, what little bit of sanity and life I had been able to grasp onto at home, looking into my son's eyes, was gone. I wanted to give up completely and be with Emily.
I'd never really understood the choice Rosalyn made when I was a kid. When I thought Emily had died, I finally understood. Had it not been for Henry, I likely would have made a similar choice. The thought of my life without Emily in it was something that I couldn't handle. Instead making the same decision Rosalyn made, I made other terrible choices while I was still in the Middle East. Those decisions now haunt me, and have left me with secrets that I still keep. When my mission was over and I was finally able to return home, I received a phone call that changed everything once again.
Hotch called me and told me that Emily was alive. I nearly dropped the phone. He said that the Ambassador and Strauss had made the decision at the hospital to fake her death in order to keep her safe from Ian. She hadn't been aware of that decision until after I had returned to my classified location and she wanted to let me know she was alive as soon as she had woke up, but given the unusual circumstances of my location and the temporary transfer he was on, it wasn't possible.
He wanted to let me know about Emily, as soon as he could safely do so, but I couldn't let the others on the team know. He knew that I would be returning to the BAU and that Morgan was still working on tracking Ian down. He had heard from Emily and she was thinking about going out on her own again to track down Ian. Hotch hoped that if I could find out what Morgan knew and then speak to Emily, that would prevent her from tracking down Ian on her own. Emily was safer remaining in hiding at that point. Hotch said that he would have Emily call me shortly to discuss everything and that he was sorry for putting me through everything.
When I got that phone call, I finally felt like I could breathe again. Every night since I was told she had died, I prayed that I was in some nightmare and that I would wake up and find out it was all a mistake. It turned out it was and she was alive. She apologized to me and I told her that it didn't matter. All that mattered to me was that she was alive and that I finally had a chance to tell her that I loved her. She was silent for a little while before telling me that she loved me too. She quickly changed the subject though and asked what Morgan had been able to find out about Ian.
I told her what I had found out and between Hotch and I, we were able to keep Emily in the loop on all of the information. It wasn't until Emily realized Declan was in danger that she made the decision to come out of hiding. Part of me was worried for her safety, but the bigger part of me was so excited to see her. I wanted to run to her and throw my arms around her. I wanted to kiss her and never let her go. I was able to hug her briefly when I saw her, but too many people were around that needed to hug her, to see for themselves she was alive, and the case demanded everyone's immediate attention.
After the case wrapped up, she seemed to disappear whenever I was around or she would intentionally avoid being alone with me. I tried several times to get her to go out after work so we could talk, or to pull her into my old office so we could at least have a private conversation, but she always came up with an excuse so she didn't have to be alone with me. She seemed almost scared to be alone with me when she came back, which confused me. I know we had our issues before I left, but something felt off.
I'm shaken from my thoughts once more as I realize that we have finally landed. I look over at Emily and notice that she has put away her blanket and grabbed her go-bag in preparation to disembark from the plane. I stand, putting away my blanket and grab my go-bag as well. Everyone else has already made their way off of the jet. Knowing she will probably try to come up with a reason to avoid our conversation tonight, I preemptively stop that conversation before she has a chance.
"Do you want to ride together to your place, or did you want me to follow you?" I ask, showing that I have no intention of forgetting about our upcoming conversation.