A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!
"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
"When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak." ~ Audre Lorde
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Chapter 14
As we make our way inside the condo, Emily drops her bag at the foot of the stairs. We continue walking into the condo, making our way into the living room to stand near the couch. At this point, Emily is acting like she doesn't know whether she wants to sit down or bolt from the room right now. She might still be in shock from our kiss a few minutes ago, or the news that I'm not with Will, since she hasn't said much since then. When she finally does turn around to look at me, I can tell she's trying to decide what to ask first.
"So…you aren't with Will now? When did this happen?" Emily finally asks.
"Why don't I order some food and you can get us something to drink. It's a long story and you need to eat something before you pass out. Once the food is on the way, we can sit down and I can try to explain everything to you. What do you want me to order?" I reply.
She needs to eat and if I get started with this story, we'll get distracted and forget to order the food. I need to make sure that she has something to eat…especially considering how little she's had in the last couple of days.
"I'm not really hungry…and you said you wanted to talk and explain what was going on, so…" Emily starts.
"I know…but you need to eat something. I'm worried about you, Em. Please." I quietly interrupt.
"Okay, fine." Emily replies.
"Good. I promise, I'll explain everything. I just want to get the food ordered so we can get that out of the way. Does that Italian place you like still deliver?" I ask.
"Yeah, I think so. The menus are in the drawer in the kitchen. Just order whatever you want. I'm going to go freshen up. I'll get our drinks when I'm done and meet you back here." Emily answers as she turns and walks out of the living room.
I watch as she grabs her go-bag and makes her way upstairs. I know that she's really going to go take care of her arm. But for now, I realize I'm just going to have to deal with one problem at a time. I'll worry about getting her something to eat first, and then I can tackle the possibility of her injuring herself later. I know if I try and push her and ask her about what really happened to her arm, she'll shut me out. She has to know my secret first…at least one of them…especially if I hope to get her to open up and realize she can trust me enough to talk to me about one of her secrets.
I make my way into the kitchen and find the menu for that Italian place she likes and I call in our order. Emily hasn't come back downstairs yet, so I decide that I'll go ahead and get the glasses ready for our drinks. I start opening up the cupboards looking for the glasses, only to find most are completely empty. I finally find two glasses, but in my search, I realize that she definitely wasn't kidding about not having anything here to eat.
My curiosity gets the better of me and I check the fridge to see if she has an open bottle of wine, and to see what she has in there for food, only to find it completely empty as well, save a few bottles of water and the ingredients for mixed drinks. I turn around in time to hear Emily clearing her throat.
"Uhhh…sorry. I was just looking for a bottle of wine. I found the glasses though." I reply…a little too quickly…holding the glasses up.
"In the wine fridge…under the island." She responds, tilting her head towards the location of the wine refrigerator. "Just head on back to the living room. I'll get the wine." She finishes.
"Uhhh…okay." I reply, moving past her on my way back into the living room. "The food will be here in about 45 minutes." I mention on my way past her.
"That's fine. " She replies.
I make my way into the living room, sitting down on the couch. She follows behind me, carrying two glasses of wine and the bottle in wine bucket. She hands me a glass and takes one for herself, before sitting on the opposite end of the couch. She turns to face me as if waiting for me to start my conversation. "Food is on the way…so now you can tell me what is going on." She concludes.
I take a big sip of wine before I start, glancing up to look at her. "I'm trying to decide where to start. I've wanted to have this conversation with you for so long, but never really thought I'd finally get the chance." I begin.
Taking another sip of wine, I quietly begin to let Emily in on my long held secret. "I guess I should probably just start at the beginning…I guess that would make more sense." I continue, glancing up to see Emily staring intently in my direction. "Just bear with me while I try to explain all of this...okay?"
I see Emily nod.
"Okay. Well, you know that we all first met Will with that case down in New Orleans, right?" I ask rhetorically. "And he started off hitting on you, but you just ignored him, so he started hitting on me. I didn't realize in the beginning that he'd been hitting on you first, and so I was flattered when he started hitting on me. I just thought he was sweet. I know that we'd been spending a lot of time together before then, and that case is where things kind of went off the rails for us." I glance back up at Emily and notice she's looking thoughtfully at me, though I see a hint of sadness in her eyes.
"I know the two of us had gotten a lot closer before we all met Will, and part of me was terrified by what that meant. You terrified me." I continue, looking down at my hands. "It wasn't you specifically, I guess, but my feelings for you. I wasn't sure what they were exactly, or how to process them. The way I felt about you was something completely new to me. Not just because you were a woman, but they were just so intense." I continued, quickly glancing back up at Emily, before continuing on.
"I'd never been the kind of person to ever get attached to someone else. Guys would get attached to me, but I just never felt a connection to them, so it wasn't a big deal to walk away. I was never interested in any kind of commitment…ever. I was even like that with friends. I had some good friends, but nothing like best friends or anything like that either. I guess losing Rosalyn caused me to put up walls and keep people at an arm's length…it kept me from getting really attached to anyone. If I wasn't close to them, I didn't have to worry about getting hurt if I lost them. Then you came along…and all of a sudden…I felt this weird attachment to you that I didn't understand. Plus, I had always considered myself straight, so my feelings for you just didn't make any sense to me. I just thought you were a really good friend…maybe even something like a best friend, which was new for me. I didn't have anything to relate that kind of attachment, or feeling connected to someone else like I did with you, from my past, so that's what made sense to me at the time." I look back up at Emily again. She is still watching me intently, though she's not showing any indication of a reaction one way or another, so I just continue on with my explanation.
"So when Will asked me out, I gave him my business card. I never really thought much about it. I just figured we'd talk on the phone, or maybe go out as friends. It really never occurred to me that things would progress any further…especially considering how far apart we lived from each other. But, he started flying up here and I realized that I actually enjoyed his company…at least as a friend. Then I met your family, and realized that even as a friend, you were so far out of my league…it wasn't even funny." I try to explain.
"What do you mean…out of your league?" Emily interjects.
"That was part of the problem…or at least what I saw as a problem. You and your family were rich, powerful, sophisticated…everything that I wasn't. I'd never fit in to a world like that…even as a friend. I just felt inferior around all of you. Seeing you with your mom just reinforced how much better you were than me." I try to explain.
"That's ridiculous JJ." Emily argues. "Money doesn't equal class. It certainly doesn't entitle someone to something or mean someone is better than someone else. You're beautiful, talented, sophisticated, intelligent, and just as powerful, in your own right, as anyone that travels in those wealthy circles my family frequents." Emily argues.
"But I didn't see it that way, Em. I just thought that whether we were friends or something more, that you would eventually realize I wasn't good enough for you and you'd leave me. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I left you before you could leave me. You'll never know how sorry I am for that damn note I left you. If I could take that back…change things…I would. But that night after we were together, I kept envisioning all of these worst case scenarios in my head…instead of all of the good things that we could have had together, could have been together. I kept seeing you leaving me when you realized I wasn't good enough for you and your family…what my family would think if they found out I was with a woman…even though I never talked to them about it. It's a stupid excuse, I know. But, it's how I felt then…I just got scared. You've said several times how you hate politics. That's how I feel about small towns. That's part of the reason I hate going back home. Everyone has to know everything about your life. I didn't want to be front page news in that stupid town…especially when I thought you'd just end up leaving me in the end anyways. So…I took the easy way out and left. I'm so…so…sorry about that." I softly sobbed, glancing up at Emily again, noticing unshed tears in her eyes.
"I realized after I left that stupid note the damage I caused when you showed up at work the next day. It was like some light inside of you was shut off…or broken." I try to continue.
"It's because you broke my heart, JJ." Emily softly whispered as she looked away from me. She's picking at some invisible lint on a pillow she has in front of her chest which she's enveloped in her arms, using it as makeshift shield.
"I know…and I'll do everything in my power to repair that damage, Em…I will." I respond, scooting closer to her on the couch. I try to reach out to hold one of her hands, but she pulls them away, instead squeezing the pillow she's holding like it's a lifeline.
"I wanted to fix everything as soon as I realized the damage that I did, but you shut me out completely. I thought if I gave it a little time…gave you a little time…I could fix things between us. In the meantime, we got that case down in Miami and Will was back around us all again. I knew you wanted nothing to do with him. In all honesty, I didn't want to be around him either. I broke up with him while I was down there and went to talk to you…but you said you didn't feel like talking. The next day you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me and said that I should go for it with Will. You were just so cold to me that day. The way you treated me hurt me so badly…I just wanted to hurt you back. Stupid I know…but I wasn't thinking. So, I ran to Will and told him I changed my mind. I knew you were watching so I kissed him…I just did it to hurt you. I didn't really want to get back together with him. I really wanted to be with you." I look back up at Emily…seeing recognition in her eyes.
"You broke up with him that night? That's what you wanted to talk to me about?" Emily inquires.
"Yeah. But you said you didn't feel like talking. You said you'd talk to me the next day…but then you were so mean…so cold. You acted like you couldn't care less what I did or who I was with so I just wanted to hurt you back…" I answered "so I did…" I whispered, looking away.
"I stayed behind to help Will…and I didn't want to face you after putting on such a show at the station. When I got back, I decided that I was going to go ahead and break things off with Will, but then I found out that I was pregnant. It happened down in Miami. I'd felt bad for all of the back and forth I did with Will and his emotions…saying I was going to break up with him…then I didn't want to break up…I felt like I owed him something. I knew sleeping with him was a mistake, but I didn't think that one mistake would end up with me getting pregnant." I nervously explain…looking down at my hands.
I took another long sip of my wine before continuing. "I was able to avoid him after that until he showed up in New York. I tried to keep him from showing up there too, but since I hadn't seen him since I'd left Miami, and only called him once to tell him I was pregnant, he was starting to get nervous about me avoiding him, so he flew up to see me. I had no idea that he would tell everyone about me being pregnant, and I definitely didn't know he'd tell everyone we were planning on getting married...which we weren't. I'd already told him that wasn't gonna happen. He just didn't seem to want to take no for an answer. I wanted to talk to you that night and explain that he was wrong…that what he announced in front of everyone was wrong. But, the rest of the team was so excited, and I needed to make sure he knew where we stood, with regards to our future together, so nothing like that would happen again. I had to clear things up with him first. You offered your congratulations but then you shut me out again. I was so angry at Will for just showing up like that…it felt like he ruined my chance to work things out with you…again."
Taking the bottle of wine from the bucket, I refill my glass and return the bottle, before continuing on.
"I thought I might finally have a chance to explain everything to you right after that happened. You finally seemed to be letting some of your walls down around me when we came back from that case…but then you and Reid were held in the compound with Cyrus. Once that happened, you shut me out…again. But that time, it wasn't just me…you shut everyone out. I know something happened to you there, Em. I hope one day you can talk to me about it…but I understand if you don't feel like talking to me about it now."
I glance up at Emily and watch as she shakes her head. I can see that she's fighting back tears as I finish talking about Cyrus. I reach out for her hand again and this time, she doesn't pull away from me. I squeeze her hand and feel her squeeze mine back. Finally…I'm making some progress at breaking down some of her walls.
Still holding her hand, I continued on, "It doesn't have to be now…but one day Em. I want to help you deal with whatever it was that happened. I'll be there whenever you are ready to talk about it; whether it's today, a week from now, or a year from now."
Emily nods slightly.
Taking another sip from my glass, I offer a small smile and squeeze her hand before continuing on with my explanation.
"Whatever the reason though, it just seemed like we would take one step forward on repairing the damage in our relationship, and then we would end up taking two steps back. At the same time all of that was happening, Will transferred up here from the New Orleans Police Department. He did it to help me out when I was pregnant, and to be closer to me before Henry was born. He didn't want to miss Henry's birth. When he moved here, we got the house we're living in now. It's close to both of our jobs and he's able to be there for Henry when I'm at work or away on a case." I stop, taking another big sip of wine before continuing.
"The part I haven't mentioned to anyone, is that when Will moved here, even though I know a part of him was hoping we could be a real family, is that he moved up here just for Henry. We haven't been a couple since before Henry was born." I finish the main part of my explanation, looking to Emily to see that she understands what I am trying to explain.
"What do you mean? You've been living together for years." Emily questions.
"Yeah, we have. But as roommates, Em. Not as a couple. We've always had separate bedrooms. We live together as co-parents and friends, nothing more. He helps with Henry when I'm away on a case, and he lives there so he can be close to Henry, but we're not together. We were only together that one time…in Miami. I realized it was a mistake as soon as it happened. I felt like I was cheating on you that night and I could never bring myself to do it again. Will's known for years how I felt about you. In fact, he's spending the weekend right now with his long-time girlfriend. You remember Ashley Seaver, right?" I ask.
"The one that worked at the BAU? Will's dating her?" Emily's shocked question.
"Yeah. She transferred to another division in the FBI. They started dating a while back. Will met her when he brought Henry in to see Garcia. I'm actually fine with it. And to be honest, Will's been pushing me to talk to you for a while now. He knows who my heart has belonged to for years. When I thought I lost you…after your fight with Ian…it nearly killed me, Em. If it wasn't for Henry…I don't think I'd be here right now. I'm just hoping you'll say that it isn't too late for us. I love you, Em. I always have, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. Can you forgive me for everything that's happened in the past…all of the stupid mistakes I made? Can we start over again together and put the past behind us…Please?" I implore…looking up at Emily…grasping her hands tightly in mine.
I realize I'm holding my breath, waiting for her to respond, but Emily remains silent…taking everything in that I've just told her.
She finally looks like she's getting ready to respond, but the doorbell rings, signifying our food has arrived. "I'll go get our food. Why don't you just grab the wine and bring it to the table." Emily quietly states, as she stands and walks towards the front door.
I nod in reply, realizing I still haven't released the breath I've been holding.
God…I hope she forgives me and we can start over again. I need her too much for her to give up on us now.