A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
Sorry for the delay in posting this…I hadn't gotten many reviews on the story and the ones I did get weren't very flattering. So…my muse took a break…or a nap. I debated on continuing with the story for a while, but decided to keep going for a while. I had planned for this to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it's positive!
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster." ~ William Throsby Bridges
"Control what you can control. Don't lose sleep worrying about things that you don't have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won't have any control over them." ~ Cam Newton
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Chapter 15
As I take the food that was delivered towards the dining room, I realize that the thoughts inside my head are swirling around, much like a Category 5 Hurricane or an EF5 Tornado. What's that saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it…but there's always a catch. I'm faced with what looks like an easy choice, but it isn't. In reality, it's my dream coming true. Unfortunately, it's just a little too late. The woman of my dreams…the woman I will love, probably for the rest of my miserable life, telling me what I've wanted to hear for years. Too bad it's too late to make any difference now. I just wish I would've know how she felt sooner, before I was a wounded, scarred, broken shell of a person. Then at least I would've had a chance of being able, capable, and worthy of returning the love she apparently has had for me all along. Now…not so much.
I would love nothing more than to tell JJ that everything's fine, the past is in the past, and we can move forward together in the future…but that's just not realistic. There's a big part of me that wants to believe her…wants to believe that she wouldn't leave again. But, there's still this part of me that can't help but wonder when she'll change her mind again and run away. Not that it really matters in the end anyway.
Considering all of the secrets that I'm keeping; if she finds out about all of them, I'm sure she'd run away anyway. I find it so ironic that she was so worried about not being good enough for me. This whole time, it's been me that wasn't good enough for her, and that was in the beginning. Now that I'm completely broken, I'm definitely not good enough for her, or anyone else for that matter. I just don't know how to explain that to her without saying something stupid like "it's not you…it's me" or something equally as lame. Even though that statement is entirely accurate, it just doesn't seem to encompass everything that I would want, or need, to say. I don't want to hurt her, but she deserves so much more than I could ever provide.
My thoughts are interrupted by JJ, grasping my hands, which are still holding on to the bags of food. "Emily? Are you okay?" JJ asks, concern lacing her voice.
"Uhhh…yeah, why?" I reply calmly.
"You've been holding the food the guy delivered for a few minutes, just staring off into space. I've been trying to get your attention, but you acted like you didn't even hear me." JJ replied.
"Oh….sorry. I was just thinking about something. Here…" I offer her the food "I'm not sure what you ordered, so I'll let you sort it out" I reply.
"Okay." JJ quietly responds, taking the bags and sorting out the food onto two plates. "You're sure you're okay?" JJ continues, handing me a plate of food.
"Yeah" I reply, taking the food and sitting down at the table. I watch as JJ hands me a glass of wine before taking her food and wine and sitting down next to me at the table.
We sit for a while in silence, sipping wine, while I try to figure out a way to answer the questions JJ asked before the guy delivered our food.
"You need to actually eat something Em, not just push the food around on your plate." JJ quietly says.
"What?" I reply, somewhat distractedly.
"You haven't eaten anything Em…you've just been moving the food around on your plate. You need to actually eat something…please. It's not good for you to go so long with nothing to eat." JJ states worriedly.
"Oh…sorry. I'm just not hungry…that's all." I reply, trying to play off the worry in her voice.
"Please…just a few bites. I don't want you to get sick or pass out…please…for me." JJ's concern rising.
Seeing the worry in her eyes, I slowly start eating some of the food in front of me…nausea setting in after the first few bites, so I stop. "Better? I ate a little bit."
I see JJ give me a small nod, though the worry is still showing in her eyes. I'm sure she was hoping I would eat more, but she doesn't say anything else about it.
I continue to try and figure out what I'm going to say to JJ as she finishes her dinner. I watch as she starts to clean up the dishes and I try to stop her "I can get those JJ…you don't need to do that."
"It's fine, Em. You can clean up the ones tomorrow, if you want." JJ states firmly.
"Tomorrow?" I ask, confusion lacing my voice.
"I told you, Em. I'm not running away this time. I'll do whatever it takes to prove that to you." JJ says with determination. "Can we go back in and sit on the couch. Finish our talk from earlier? You never did answer my questions before."
"Yeah, I guess we should finish our conversation." I reply, standing and taking the wine and glasses in with me as I go, sitting in the spot on the couch where I'd been earlier, with JJ sitting right beside me.
"Have you thought about what I said to you earlier? What I asked you? Can you forgive me for the mistakes I made before? Can we just move past those and start over again?" JJ asked in rapid succession.
I take a long sip of wine before turning to look at JJ, getting lost in that ocean of blue as her eyes lock with mine. God…I can't help but think about how beautiful JJ really is…inside and out…and how much I truly love her. But, I know she'll be so much better without me. Trying to fight back tears, struggling to keep the walls up around my heart that still remain somewhat intact, I try to focus on what I need to say.
"I guess I'm having the same problem you were having earlier…trying to figure out where to start." I glance up at JJ before looking down at the wine glass in my hands. "I know the answers to all of your questions should be easy for me…but they really aren't. Everything is just so complicated."
I see JJ nod out of the corner of my eye. "I know…and I'm so sorry about that Em…I'm so sorry about so many things…" JJ quietly states.
"It's not just the stuff with you and Will…though I wish you would've told me about that a long time ago…or even all of those times that you came over here and then disappeared before the sun came up. Although…I have to admit…part of me can't shake the feeling that regardless of what you've said tonight…you'll still change your mind and run away again…" I start to explain my fear that she'll leave, but she interrupts me.
"I told you Em…I know what I did before hurt you…a lot…but I won't run away from you again…ever. I'll do anything you want or need me to do to prove that to you." JJ implores. "And I mean anything…"
"Hell…you can even tie me to the bed…or handcuff me to you…if that'll prove I'm not going anywhere." JJ finishes by turning over her wrists and thrusting them towards me with a seductive wink. "Really…I wouldn't mind."
Good lord! This conversation definitely took an unexpected detour. I'm lucky I didn't choke on my wine. Guess I better set my glass down before she says something else like that or she notices my hands shaking at her startling admission. At this point…she might end up giving me a heart attack! How am I supposed to concentrate on what I need to say with images like those in my head! I'd better come up with a response pretty quick before she says something else like that and I spontaneously combust…or my brain shuts down completely from all of those vivid thoughts and images.
"You really shouldn't promise something you have no intention on following through with, JJ." I reply…trying to keep my blushing cheeks from turning a darker shade of red.
"Oh….I mean it." JJ calmly replies…with a seductive grin playing at the corners of her mouth.
"Jesus JJ…how much wine have you had to drink tonight?" I ask.
I've never seen her act like this before. Not that I necessarily mind some of the thoughts rolling around in my head at the moment…but still. I have to wonder if she's drunk…or just trying to mess with me for some reason. Whatever the case…it makes focusing on what I'm trying to talk to her about that much more difficult. Maybe that was her plan all along. Distract me so I'll forget about the serious conversation we were having.
"You can blame it on the wine if you'd like, Em…but I'm not drunk. I'm completely serious. I could be wrong…but it seems to me that you feel like you've lost control over a lot of things in your life…not just with me. I controlled almost every aspect of our relationship…with how far things went…when things happened…or if they happened at all…and you just let me. I want to try and give you back some of the control I took away from you…some of the choices I never let you make. I'm completely serious about wanting to be with you no matter what…and doing whatever it takes to prove that to you." JJ explains with a faint smile…placing her wrists in my lap…still pressed together to make her point.
"Uhhh…okay…if you're sure you're not drunk…I guess I'll have to take your word on that. As for thinking I've lost some of my control in my life…I guess maybe I do feel that way sometimes. You trying to give me control over something else instead…I'm not sure it really works that way." I reply, placing my hands over her wrists in my lap.
"About this" I say…squeezing her wrists together between my hands. "I didn't realize you were into being tied up…or handcuffed…or anything else like that. But I guess I'll keep that in mind…you know…just in case."
"You do that" JJ replies with another seductive wink.
I squeeze her wrists together once more, before leaning in to whisper in her ear "You really should be careful what you promise…because I'm no angel. Once you give me control…I may not want to give it back." I finish by softly kissing her neck just below her ear…hearing a low moan escape her throat.
"I wasn't expecting you to be an angel, Em. In fact…I was counting on that. Besides…you look great in red." JJ replied, slowly turning to face me…a seductive smile on her face and a playful glint in her beautiful blue eyes. She locked eyes with me briefly before slowly leaning in and pressing her soft lips to mine.