A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it's positive!
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time." ~ James Baldwin
"True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does." ~ Torquato Tasso
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Chapter 16
Okay…so playing along with her little seductress game might've been a bad idea. I guess that saying about hindsight being 20/20 would probably be applicable here. I just can't seem to control myself whenever I'm around JJ or when I look into her eyes. It's like all of my logic and rational thinking gets sucked into those beautiful blue orbs and I'm helpless to stop it.
I'm finally able to pull back from our heated kiss, and I look into JJ's eyes once again, noticing they are filled with desire. I know if we keep this up…this flirtatious little game we started to play…our conversation will never get finished. While my hormones are screaming at me to keep going, my mind is telling me to stop and finish our conversation. In my heart, I know that I love JJ, but my mind keeps reminding me that I have too many secrets. Once JJ finds out about them…she'll run away from me again…for good this time. Besides…if things keep going, I'd have to show her all of my new wounds and old scars. Not only would have killed the mood, but it would completely derail the conversation we were having before. I have to stop things now…and put a little distance between us. I have to step back from the situation a little bit…before things go too far…and I'm not able to stop myself from getting lost in the moment.
"I'm sorry JJ. I can't do this right now." I gently push JJ back, standing up from the couch to walk over to the large picture window overlooking the city. Staring at the lights on the city beneath me, I wonder if anyone going about their evening is having as much trouble focusing their thoughts as I am. I try to focus on the Washington Monument, as if by finding something to focus on out there will help me to focus the thoughts inside of me.
I'm still staring out the window, but I feel JJ walk up behind me. "I'm sorry Em. I didn't mean to rush you. This isn't like all of the times before…when I came over…wanting to be with you, only to leave once you were asleep. I know you have no reason to trust me. I'm just hoping you will…just one more time. But I don't want you to think I was joking either, because I meant what I said earlier. I'll do anything you want or need me to do to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere."
"To be honest JJ…I don't know what to say at this point…what to think…or even what to believe. But as for what we were talking about before…I don't want to have to restrain you to keep you here. Whether you meant it as a joke or if you were being serious. You should want to stay here…all on your own. One of the problems is that you're right. I don't know if I can really trust you. I have no way of knowing if that's really what you want…or if that's just what you're saying you want." I glance up at JJ's reflection in the window, but continue before she can interrupt.
"And maybe that's what you think you want…right now. But, what's to say that something won't change later…and then you run off then? I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to open my heart back up to you again. You broke it once before…I doubt I could survive you running away again." I finish…whispering the last part.
"Oh…Em. I know how badly I hurt you before…and if I could change that…I would. I just need you to trust me…one more time. I promise…I won't let you down again. I won't run away again. I know that I'm asking a lot from you…especially given how many times I let you down before…but things are different now. You say that you don't think you'd survive me running away again. Well…I know I won't survive losing you again." JJ looks at my reflection in the window…holding my gaze.
"When I thought you died…I realized how much I needed you in my life…and how much I loved you. I had time to reflect on all of those times I ran away from you…instead of staying here where I should have been all along…and I regretted every single one of those moments. I didn't think I'd get the chance to have those kinds of moments with you again. When I realized you were alive…the only thought that kept running through my head was that I had a second chance to make up for all of the mistakes I had made with you. I don't plan on making the same mistakes twice. I want to spend the rest of my life making up for all the time we lost together…both before I realized what I had to lose…and during that time I thought I had lost you forever." JJ finished…tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.
I turn to face JJ, reaching out to hold JJ's hands…feeling her squeeze mine in return. "I'm sorry I put you through all of that. I had no idea what my mother had done until after I woke up in Paris…a few weeks later. By the time I realized that you all had been told I had died…it was too late to do anything about it. I know she thought she was making the best decision for everyone involved…and I suppose she probably did. She kept me safe…and she kept all of you safe as well. I just wish it hadn't all turned out the way that it did." I pull one hand free of JJ's and absent-mindedly rub the brand over my chest as I finish talking.
"All that matters to me is that you're alive, Em. Nothing else matters." JJ replies…looking at where I had been rubbing the brand on my chest.
I quickly move my hand…walking over to pick up my glass of wine. I take a long, slow sip before glancing back at JJ. She moves to stand in front of me, and looks at the location where Ian left the brand on my chest, as if she knows it's there. As far as I'm aware…the only scar JJ should know about is where Ian shoved the broken table leg through my stomach…which was bound to leave some kind of scar.
"You said a few minutes ago that things are different now…that things have changed. That's part of the problem JJ…part of what makes this whole thing so complicated. Things are different now." I move to sit on the couch and watch as JJ sits down right beside me.
"I know things are different Em, but…" JJ starts, but I interrupt. I take one of JJ's hands in mine…"Let me finish…please."
I watch as JJ nods as her reply.
"Even if I truly believed that you were here to stay…that you wouldn't run away…I'm not sure it would make much difference." I glance back up as I feel JJ's hand start to tremble slightly. She looks as if she is going to say something…but I quickly interject.
"I'm not the same person I was when I first started at the BAU…or even the same person I was before Ian came back…a lot of things have happened in my life…even before we met. Things just got more complicated once I started at the BAU. Even more stuff happened after we met…after I started working there. I tend to keep things to myself…not just because I don't want you to know about it…or because I don't think you'd understand…but because I don't want to drag you into the middle of the mess my life has become. You said before how you thought in the beginning that you weren't good enough for me…you were worried that I'd leave you because of it. Well…the truth is…you had it backwards. I was the one that wasn't good enough for you…and I knew once you realized that…you'd leave me. I just figured that was why you were always running away…that part of you realized that from the beginning…even if it was on a subconscious level. That's why I never tried to stop you…why I never said anything about it or tried to fight to get you back. I knew I wasn't good enough for you in the first place." I stop to take a breath…and another long sip of wine.
I feel JJ squeeze my hand…so I glance up to meet her eyes. I see a tear roll down her cheek as she responds. "Em…your life is not a mess…no matter what's happened in your past…and regardless of what you might be thinking…I'm not going anywhere. As for me thinking you weren't good enough…even subconsciously…that's absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea why you would think that…even for a second. I treated you horribly in the past, but you were always there for me…no matter what. I know there are things that you haven't told me about. I also know that you'll talk to me…when you're ready. But…I need you to understand something…and it's important. No matter what's happened in your past…what you may have done…or what secrets you are keeping…nothing…and I mean nothing you tell me will scare me away from you. Ever." JJ states firmly.
"JJ…you don't understand. There are so many things I haven't told you…so many things I've kept from you…and the rest of the team. Plus…after everything that's happened…I'm just not the same anymore." I reply.
"Neither am I, Em. And besides…what makes you so sure I wouldn't understand?" JJ softly replies.
"I'm not saying that you wouldn't try…but…I'm…I'm broken" I whisper.
"Em…we both are…maybe not in the same exact way, but I understand more than you realize. Besides, I can put you back together again." JJ squeezes my hand tightly.
"No…you can't." I whisper again. "Besides…you deserve so much better than someone like me."
"Yes Em…I can…and I will. Besides…you're the only one I want…or need. As far as you feeling broken or feeling like you aren't the same person you once were…I feel the same way. Maybe not for the same reasons, but…I do understand feeling lost and broken. I've been through a lot in the last year or so too. I have a few of my own secrets. Some of them I can't talk about right now…but I will later. Just know that I probably understand what you're going through better than you think I would. I know all about going through stuff and then having to keep it from everyone else." JJ responds.
Secrets? What kind of secrets? I thought the thing with Will was the only thing she was keeping from me. What else has she kept from me? Not that I have any room to talk given everything that I'm keeping from her…but still. What else could she be hiding from me?