A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it's positive!
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." ~ Kahlil Gibran
"We sleep, but the loom of life never stops, and the pattern which was weaving when the sun went down is weaving when it comes up in the morning." ~ Henry Ward Beecher
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Chapter 17
"What do you mean? What secrets are you talking about? What happened to you?" I gently inquire.
"Let me ask you a question first, Em." JJ replies.
I nod in response.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" JJ asks.
"What? Why would you ask me that?" I reply.
"Just answer the question, Em…please." JJ replies.
"Of course you are…you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Now will you tell me why you asked me a question like that?" I reply.
"Would you still think I was pretty…if…if I had scars?" JJ asks meekly.
Oh God…I don't think I like where this conversation is going. Either my "lake injury" story wasn't good enough and she figured out what I've been doing…or something bad happened to her. I hate the thought of her being hurt…but I don't want her to know about me either…damn it…now what am I going to say?
"What do you mean…if you had scars?" I inquire.
"I mean…if I had scars, would you still think I was pretty…or to use your words…the most beautiful woman you'd ever met?" JJ replies.
"Of course I would. You're beautiful because of what's on the inside just as much…if not more…than what's on the outside. Why are you asking me these questions?" I ask again.
Why do I feel like I'm being set up?
"For a couple of reasons. The first one is because one of the secrets I kept from you was that I was in an explosion while you were in Paris…and it left me with several scars."
"An explosion! What? Where did this happen? Why didn't you tell me? Were you seriously hurt? You seem okay now…did you end up with any permanent medical issues?" I fire off in rapid succession.
Oh God…she was hurt…why the Hell didn't she tell me? I was so wrapped up in my own stuff she probably didn't think she could. Damn it. I should've been there for her. How stupid could I have been? Not everything is about me after all.
"It's a long story…and I'll tell you all about it later. The short version is that I was hurt in an explosion while you were in Paris. I didn't tell you about it because we really haven't had much time to talk since you've been back. For the most part, I am fine now. I do have a few medical issues that I still have to deal with, but it's nothing major. I promise I'll explain it all later, but that wasn't why I brought it up. I brought it up for a specific reason, Em." JJ explains.
"But you're okay now? You said you've got scars from the explosion. You look the same to me." I inquire.
"The scars are in places that aren't easily seen. I don't intentionally hide them, but I don't intentionally show them off either." JJ replies.
JJ sees that I'm going to interrupt, but keeps going. "Let me finish, Em…please."
I nod…allowing her to continue.
"You asked why I had started asking you those questions in the first place…the first was because I wanted you to understand that I know what it's like to hide secrets…and scars…from people around you. The second reason…it goes back to what you were saying earlier about not being the same…about being broken. I know that you've been hurting yourself…and that's left you with some of your own scars that you're afraid I'll see…"
Panic starts to rise up in my chest…God…those questions she asked were about me too. Now what am I going to do? I knew it…that stupid cover story I came up with about getting hurt in the lake wasn't good enough…she saw through it. Damn it! She'll probably tell Hotch…and then he'll want a Psych Eval…or he'll fire me since I'm obviously unstable…just great!
JJ gently squeezes my hand to bring me out of my panic…."Em…don't panic…please…I didn't say that to scare you. I wanted you to realize that you're not alone…that you don't have to hide that secret from me or make up some story to cover up what's going on. I want to help you if I can…and you're not going to scare me away because of it or your scars. I recognized the signs a long time ago…but didn't want to say anything before…I was worried I was wrong. But today…on the plane…something clicked and I realized everything was pointing to you hurting yourself. My sister used to do the same thing. I can't say I completely understand it…or that I didn't wish you would find a better way to handle your emotional pain. I just want to help you…with that and everything else. Just please don't shut me out….Please."
I briefly consider denying it…but I realize now that it's pointless. JJ's figured it out. As long as she doesn't say anything to anyone else…I guess I can deal with that, for now. But if she does try to bring it up to someone else, I'll have to figure out some way to deal with it…probably another lie or cover story. I'll just have to come up with one that is better than the "lake injury" one that I used with her…since that one obviously wasn't good enough.
As my panic starts to settle…slightly…and I try to focus on what JJ is saying…"So you aren't going to say anything to Hotch…or anyone else?" I timidly ask.
I watch as JJ moves to the floor directly in front of me, taking both of my hands in hers. Facing me, she firmly, but softly responds to my timid question. "That was the other reason I asked you all of those questions. I wanted you to realize that we both have secrets and scars that we're afraid to share with each other…things we've kept from one another. I know I didn't handle things the right way in the past, but I'm determined to make things right with you now and in the future. Just like you told me earlier…I think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met…not just because of what's on the outside…but because of what's on the inside. Nothing you could say to me…no secret you are keeping…will ever make me change my mind. You could be a serial killer for all I care. As much as I love you…at this point…I'd just help you hide the bodies and evade the police." JJ offers a crooked smile.
"I don't know JJ…I love you…but…" I start to reply.
"No buts…what do we have to lose? You think you're broken…I know part of me is too. I know if we work together…in time…we can put all of the pieces back together. You just have to give me a chance. I know that I can't go another day without having you in my life…in my arms. You're already in my heart." JJ quietly says.
"You're already in my heart too." I quietly acknowledge. "You never left. I just don't know where we go from here…what we do now. I have so many things you still don't know about…that I'm not sure I can talk about right now…or find the words to explain."
"I know you'll tell me about all of those things when you're ready. You'll show me all of your scars…the ones on the inside…and on the outside…when you're ready…just like I will with you. In the meantime…why don't we start with this. " JJ says softly as she leans in and softly presses her lips against mine. I feel myself responding to her instantly. The kiss is soft, warm, and tender. It's more than just a simple kiss…it's a promise by both of us to one another…to try and forge ahead with a relationship we'd both thought would never happen.
I watch as JJ stands, taking both of my hands in hers, and leads me towards the staircase. "It's getting late. Why don't we continue this conversation in the morning?" JJ says.
I glance down at my watch, realizing it is well past midnight. "You're right. I had no idea how late it was." I respond.
I watch as JJ walks over to the front door, picking up her go-bag from near the front entrance.
I hadn't noticed she had brought it inside, but I guess it worked out for the best that she decided to bring it inside with her.
We make our way up the stairs and reach the door leading to my bedroom. "Did you want me to stay in the guest room, or here with you?" JJ softly asks.
"Honestly…I'm not sure JJ." I answer.
"Why don't I go change in the guest room while you get ready in here. Then I can just come back here and we can just get some sleep. Would that be okay?" JJ softly asks.
"Yeah…I guess that's okay." I reply as I watch JJ retreat to the guest bedroom.
I make my way into my own bedroom, quickly grabbing some clothes to sleep in and head to the master bathroom. I change the bandages once more, finish my nightly routine, and change into my dark grey sweatpants and a loose-fitting, light grey, long-sleeve t-shirt.
I know JJ said she knew I was self-injuring and that she was okay with my scars…but saying it and seeing it are two completely different things. I hear the bedroom door open and the light on the nightstand click on. I make my way back into my bedroom and see JJ seated on the edge of the bed. She's wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and she looks even more beautiful than she did earlier.
If you would have told me this morning that I would be standing here…in my own bedroom…looking at JJ sitting in my bed…and that I would be happy…and nervous about it…I would've said you were crazy. I just hope I'm not making a mistake…that I won't wake up in the morning and find cold sheets and an empty condo again. Nervously… I make my way to the bed. She scoots further into the bed, pulling the covers back for me. I sit on the edge of the bed, scooting back in next to her.
"I want to do this right, Em." JJ says, as she takes my hand in hers. "I know you're wondering if you can trust this…trust me. But I promise I'll still be here in the morning. We don't need to rush anything. I just want to be near you…maybe hold you tonight…if that's okay?"
I look over, locking eyes with her. I used to be harder to read…guess I either need to learn to school my features a little better…or JJ has knocked down some of my walls again. That or I'm not as hard to read as I thought I was. Whatever the case may be…she knew exactly what I was thinking…which scares the hell out of me. Afraid she'll be able to read even more of my thoughts, I simply nod in response.
I watch as JJ leans over, softly pressing her lips to mine once again, before sliding down into the bed…holding the blankets up for me to be able to slide down beside her. I easily slide down next to her and feel her arms wrap around me tightly. I feel her nestle her face into the back of my neck as her arms squeeze my waist. She presses another soft kiss to the back of my head before whispering "Good night, Em…I love you…see you in the morning."
"Good night JJ" I reply and squeeze her arms that are wrapped around my waist in response.
I guess I'll have to wait and see if I really will see her in the morning. Only time will tell.