A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it's positive!

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Of all the things you choose in life, you don't get to choose what your nightmares are. You don't pick them; they pick you." ~ John Irving

"The shock of any trauma, I think changes your life. It's more acute in the beginning and after a little time you settle back to what you were. However it leaves an indelible mark on your psyche." ~ Alex Lifeson
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Chapter 18

I'm momentarily disoriented as I rub my sleepy eyes and try to open them. What just woke me up? It doesn't seem to be my cell phone…unless it stopped ringing. I finally open my eyes to a mostly darkened room and look around for the cause of my disrupted sleep.

I smile as I realize I'm not home, or in yet another random hotel room on a case, but still asleep next to Emily. I turn to look at her and she seems to still be asleep, so whatever woke me must not have been too loud.

I glance over her shoulder and look at the clock…bright red numbers informing me the time is close to 5:00am. I wonder again what could've caused me to wake up as the last remnants of sleep leave me.

Then I remember that Emily woke me several times previously during the night…she had been making noises or struggling…seemingly caught in some kind of a nightmare before…and that seems to be the case again. I hear her whimper softly and see her twitch and realize that was what woke me from my restless sleep.

At some point during the night she turned over, and she's facing me now. I lightly brush the hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear as I place a gentle kiss against her forehead and pull her closer to me…rubbing her arm…whispering to her that she's okay…that she's safe and no one is going to hurt her. She seems to calm down somewhat but she continues to softly whimper.

She pulls me closer to her…with her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. She presses her face right above my chest…her ear right over my heart. Maybe listening to the sound of my heartbeat will lull her back to sleep.

I gently stroke her hair and continue to whisper to her that she's safe and that no one is going to hurt her and she calms down further…only whimpering slightly every so often.

I think back to the earlier nightmares and wonder…was that why she never slept in front of me, on those rare times that we shared a room, when we were away on a case? Was she afraid I'd see her having a nightmare…or does she even realize she has them?

In either case…if she has them very often, it would explain why she seems so tired all of the time. She's had several tonight and she can't be resting very well if she's constantly fighting some unseen monster in her sleep all the time.

We all get nightmares from time to time…it's just part of the job I suppose. If you deal with the worst part of society…some of that is bound to seep into your dreams and haunt you while you sleep. Emily has held me a few times and helped me fight off some of my own nightmares. Some were related to cases we were on…some weren't. She never let me do that for her.

I was never sure if that was because she was afraid of being seen as weak to me…or if it really was what she always told me…that she just wanted me to be able to get enough rest.

In those first few years, I wouldn't have been much support for her anyway, and she probably knew that. Looking back on it…she must've been worried about appearing weak…she always tried to be strong for everyone else. I guess it's not a surprise she'd do the same thing when she was asleep too. Besides, everyone knew that once I fell asleep, it was nearly impossible to wake me, so I wouldn't have been much help to her.

I used to be able to sleep through just about anything. Hotch used to joke that he had to call at least three times before I'd answer him…and that was with my ringer on as loud as possible. He just got used to hanging up and calling right back again several times…knowing I wouldn't answer until he called over and over again. Then, once when I finally did answer…I'd still be half-asleep.

That all changed when I had Henry. I guess my mothering instinct really did kick in because the slightest sound would wake me. I was always on high alert for any noise and would wake up immediately to rush in and make sure he was okay. Since he was born, I doubt I've had more than a handful of nights where I slept more than 4 or 5 hours…unless I was away on a case and we actually managed to get back to the hotel early. I've learned to get by with limited or disrupted sleep. I just never imagined that my new found skill of hearing every little sound…or southing someone back to sleep…would apply to Emily.

I'll do whatever it takes to help her…I'm just glad I didn't sleep through her nightmares like I'm sure I would've done before I had Henry. It breaks my heart to see her struggling. I just hope me being here provides her some comfort…and when she realizes that I'm still here when she wakes up…that I didn't run off in the middle of the night…like I did so many times in the past…she'll see I'm really not going to run away this time.

The first time she woke me with a nightmare she really startled me…she was mumbling and fighting against someone and it took me a while to calm her down. The next few times she wasn't as bad…but in each case…she seemed to be fighting someone…or some thing. I heard her say a few names a couple of times…or a few words. In those cases…I knew or could assume what she was dreaming about…and it broke my heart.

I heard her mention Cyrus…and she kept crying and pleading with him to stop. She never told any of us what really happened to her in that compound when the radio didn't pick up any sound…but hearing her tonight confirmed my worst fears. Now I just have to figure out a way to get her to open up to me when she's awake…maybe then she won't have to fight him in her nightmares.

The next time she mentioned her friend from that case we had a while back…Matthew. That time she kept saying she was sorry. She couldn't have prevented Matthew's death…so I have no idea what she thought she needed to apologize for…but something about Matthew or that case still troubles her.

Another time she mentioned Ian and Declan…but she also mentioned two other names I had never heard her say before...Logan and Kasey. I assume they were part of her undercover assignment. In that dream…she kept fighting Ian and seemed to be trying to protect the others. I knew Ian and the fallout from that would probably still haunt her…it still haunts me and I didn't have to face him. I just had to deal with thinking Emily was killed and hearing her plead with Morgan to let her die. I know that I wake myself up with nightmares about that or that Emily really did die that night. I can only imagine the kind of nightmares she probably has about Ian.

The one that confused me was when she mentioned something about someone named Lucas…and then she said something about Summer…though I'm not sure if she was talking about the time of year…or if that was a person. That time…just like with Cyrus…she was pleading with him to stop. The difference was she seemed more scared. It took me a long time to calm her down from that nightmare.

I'm just so grateful she gave me another chance to prove to her that I won't run away. I just hope now she'll let some of her walls down and let me help her fight whatever inner demons she's trying to fight in her sleep.

I hear her mumble again and glance down to look at her. I wish she could've had a restful night sleep. I look over at the clock again and it is just barely 5:30. I gently run my fingers through her hair as she continues to softly mumble into my chest. I can only just make out some of what she's saying.

"Too many secrets." She could be talking about either one of us with that comment.

"Can't let her see my scars." Oh sweetheart…You're worried about me seeing your scars. Maybe if I show you mine first you'll believe me when I tell you that they really don't matter. All that I care about is you.

"Ugly…disgusting." Oh sweetie…you're not ugly or disgusting…How could you ever think that? You are the most beautiful person I've ever met. You literally take my breath away every time I look at you.

"Just run away again." I know it's going to take time for you to trust me…but I'll find a way to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere.

"Could never love me." Oh God Em…how could you possibly think that? I already do love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I can't imagine my life without you…I wouldn't even want to try.

I swipe at the tears that are flowing down my cheeks. I'll find a way to fix this Em…fix us. I promise.

"Hate myself…wish I was dead." I gasp at hearing this. Oh My God…She can't possibly mean that! I can't lose her. I won't let her give up on herself…or us…not now.

My gasp wakes Emily from her restless sleep and she looks up at me with sleep-filled eyes. "You're still here?" The vulnerability in her voice is truly heartbreaking. She really did think I'd run off while she was asleep again.

I pull her close to me in an effort to hide my tears and surprise at her last sleep induced comments. How could she hate herself? And even worse…did she really mean it when she said she wishes she were dead?

I swipe at my tears again as I reply "of course I am beautiful. Where else would I be?"

She looks up at me again and realizes I've been crying "JJ! What's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. They're happy tears."

Emily sits up, switching on the bedside lamp, and turns back to me. "Those are not 'happy tears'. Please tell me what's wrong. If you're having second thoughts about staying or something…just tell me now." Emily finishes as she looks down at her hands that are folded in her lap.

I immediately grasp her hands and pull them to my chest. "I'm not having second thoughts about you or staying here. I'm so grateful that you gave me the chance to prove to you I wouldn't run away again. I loved waking up next to you…I just wish I would've done it years ago. I just realized how much time we've missed because of my stupid insecurities."

I lock eyes with her and ghost my hand down her cheek. "I love you Em…nothing will ever change that. I'll always want to wake up next to you."

"If that's true…then why were you crying?" Emily questions.

If I tell her she was talking in her sleep or what she said exactly…she might put up more walls and shut me out…but if I don't say something…she'll think I'm hiding something from her. "It's just…well…you were talking a little bit in your sleep. Something you said surprised me…that's all."

I watch as Emily's face reddens as she replies "what did I say?"

"Does it matter? We all say crazy things while we're asleep. Henry dreamed he was a flying elephant the other night." I try and deflect.

"JJ." Emily replies with a slightly warning tone. "What did I say that made you cry?"

"I'll tell you Em…but…but only if you promise to answer a couple of questions for me when I do. Okay?"

"If I can."

"Okay…well…first…you said you didn't think I could ever love you. Do you really believe that?" I quietly ask.

"Uhhhmm…honestly. I'm not sure, JJ." Emily replies as she looks away again.

I tilt her head towards me with my hand so she is looking directly at me when I respond "I know it's going to take some time for you to trust me…trust this. But I hope you know that I already do love you. I've loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you and that's never changed. I may not have handled it the best in the past…but just like I told you last night…I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I AM NOT going ANYWHERE. EVER. Nothing you could ever say or do will change that or make me love you less."

I lean in and gently press my lips to hers…trying to convey just how much I love her. I pull back and lock eyes with her, still grazing her cheek with my fingertips. "No scars…no secrets…nothing…will change how I feel about you or how I see you. You're beautiful and amazing and I don't know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you in my life…but I'm not about to question it now."

"All of that sounds great…and even after everything you said last night, I'll admit…I was still a little surprised you were still here this morning. Not that I wasn't happy about it…I guess it'll just take some time for me to trust you when you tell me all of those things. I've wanted to hear them for so long…but I can't help but wonder when the other shoe's going to drop…or when you're going to change your mind. Besides, I get the feeling that you are saying at least part of that to soften the blow for whatever else it was I said while I was asleep….right?"

"I meant every word of it Em…and I'm not going to change my mind. You're the only one I want or need and I'll keep telling you all of those things forever because they're true…and one day you'll believe me."

"But there's more…isn't there?"

"Uhhh…yeah, there's something else. But when I tell you what it is…I need you to be honest with me and tell me if you really meant it. You won't scare me away even if you did…I just want to be here to help…but you have to be honest with me…okay?"

"What did I say, JJ?"

"You said that you hated yourself…and that you wished you were dead." I finished the last few words on a whisper. "Do you really feel that way Em? Do you really hate yourself…or wish that…that…you…you were…" tears start to form in my eyes again and I'm unable to finish.

I look up in time to see Emily look away from me. "Em? Please…just tell me."

God…please…tell me she didn't mean it…"Em? Please….talk to me."