A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it's positive!
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"I feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armor until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am." ~ Veronica Roth
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." ~ Laurell K. Hamilton
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Chapter 20
"I don't know, JJ." Emily nervously replies.
"Please Em…I trusted you with my scars…please trust me with yours. I won't let you down. I promise." I squeeze her hands to give her extra reassurance before I see her nod slightly.
"Okay…I guess. But don't say I didn't warn you." Emily whispers sadly as she mimics my movements and turns to face away from me. I watch as she slowly removes her shirt and then steps out of her sweats, leaving only her bra and underwear on.
I control the gasp that threatens to escape my lips as I let my eyes roam over her neck, back, and backs of her legs.
She has numerous scars…none of which she could have caused herself. I wonder where they all came from? Some may have come from a surgery of some kind…but others…I shudder to think of what she must've endured to end up with those.
I hear her softly sob as I whisper to her "Oh sweetheart…it's ok…everything is going to be ok…I promise." I slowly graze my fingertips over some of the larger scars and I feel her shiver under my soft touch. I lean in and softly press my lips against some of the larger scars, just as she had done for me, and her sobs slowly subside.
I watch as she slowly turns to face me and I realize that she is using one of her arms in an attempt to cover her where she injured herself as well as right above her heart, while the other is covering a large section of her stomach. I quickly stifle the gasp that again threatens to escape from my lips.
The first thing that I notice is that despite her attempt, I can still make out the bright red bandage on her upper arm. I knew that she didn't injure her arm in the lake…but judging by how it looks…I wonder if she needs stitches for whatever damage she did to herself. I doubt she'll go to the hospital…but she definitely needs to treat whatever damage was done.
The next thing I notice is the sheer number of other scars that dot the part of her body that she's unable to shield from my view. Some of those scars were probably from a surgery or work-related injury…but most were either self-inflicted…or like those on her back…caused by someone else. I hate to think of who may have caused them…or what she went through getting them.
I notice she's looking away from me…afraid to make eye contact with me. I see the tears still quietly streaming down her face, even though the sobbing from moments ago has quieted down. She still thinks I'm going to run away from her.
"Oh Em…baby…it's okay…I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I softly say as I reach for the hand that is covering her stomach. I assume it's covering the scar from where the table leg went through her during her fight with Ian…and as I pull her hand away, I realize I'm right. It's a bad scar…but one that proves she survived a fight with a monster. I will forever be grateful for that particular scar. I lean over and after gently running my fingertips across it, place a soft kiss over it.
I rise back up and reach for her other hand…and notice that hand is trembling. "It's okay sweetheart…I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere." I softly whisper as I pull the hand away from her chest.
This time…I'm unable to contain a soft gasp as I realize what she was hiding. A brand of a four-leaf clover..."Oh baby…it's okay." I say as I hear her reply with another sob "a present from Ian."
"Some day…whenever you're ready…we can look into getting it removed or you could get a tattoo to cover it…if you want. I'll even let you pick out one for me at the same time…whatever you want." I lean over…ghosting my fingertips over the brand before leaning in to place a soft kiss over the top of it too.
I continue to trace my fingertips over some of the more prominent scars on her body…placing soft, loving kisses along the same path as my fingertips, to show her that they don't scare me away. Its' not until Emily reaches up and brushes the tears from my cheeks that I realize that I'd been crying. I was so worried she would push me away that when she finally let down her walls and finally let me in…showed me her scars…the damn inside of me broke as well. I simply couldn't contain the tears I'd been holding back. I noticed that most of her scars were faded…though a couple of them appeared to be more recent…including the bright red bandage over her upper arm. I just hope she can open up to me and share whatever is causing her such internal pain that she feels the need to do something like this to herself. I want…need to help her so badly. I just hope she lets me.
I do notice a couple of scars that concern me…ones that are near her wrists…but I'll wait to talk to her about those later. For right now…I just need her to know that I'm not running away from her...not now…not ever.
"How can you not be disgusted by what you're seeing?" Emily quietly asks.
"You said you didn't feel disgusted looking at me, right?" I ask
"Yeah."
"I feel exactly the same way about you, Em. We both have scars sweetheart. When I look at you…all I see is the stunningly beautiful woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Nothing's changed. We both may look a little different on the outside…that happens with time. And one day…hopefully a very long time from now…we'll both be old and gray and wrinkled…and I'll still think you're stunningly beautiful…and hopefully you'll still think that I am too."
"You'll always be beautiful to me." Emily quietly states.
"And I feel the same way about you too sweetheart." I reply as I lean in and press a soft, gentle kiss on her lips and feel her respond just as gently.
I pull back and notice the bandage on her arm has gotten redder. It definitely needs to be changed soon.
"Em…honey…where's your first aid kit? We need to get the bandage on your arm changed."
I see her nod towards the cabinet. I grab the first aid kit and set it on the counter as I reach for her bandage.
"It's fine. Don't worry about doing that. I can take care of it later." I hear her say.
"I want to help, Em. Besides, you should get it changed now…before you get dressed. We have a few places to go today…the grocery store and maybe out for breakfast before that, if you're feeling up to it…since you don't seem to have any food in your house. Hopefully you at least have some coffee." I offer a quick smile, trying to ease some of the earlier tension from the room.
"Yes…I have coffee. But I can just change it after my shower. It'll be easier that way. Why don't you head down to the other bathroom and get ready. I should be finished by then too. Then I can show you where the coffee is downstairs if you can't find it." Emily responds…trying to deflect the conversation away from her injured arm.
"That's fine…I can run down to the other bathroom and take my shower there. Just hold off on bandaging your arm until I get back. I shouldn't be long and I really do want to help you with it. Please. Then you can finish getting ready while I fix us some coffee."
"Fine…if you insist and are back here when I get out of the shower." Emily replies.
"I do insist…because I want to help. And I'll be back before you know it." I respond before quickly grabbing a towel from the cabinet and making my way down to the guest bathroom.
I finish my normal morning routine, brush my teeth, and shower in record time before quickly throwing some clothes on for the day. I make my way back down to Emily's room and hear the shower still running. I knock on the bathroom door and only hearing a muffled reply through the running water, I open the door just enough to tell Emily that I'll be ready whenever she is and that I'm going to head downstairs to start the coffee. She mumbles through the water that she'll be out in a minute.
I run downstairs and quickly find the coffee and start the coffee maker up so it will be ready when we come back downstairs. I hear Emily's phone ringing and realize that we had both left our phones downstairs the night before. I make my way to her phone just as it stops ringing and realize she has missed a couple of phone calls during the night. They were all from an "SP" at a number that I don't recognize. Maybe they were really poorly timed sales calls. I glance over at my phone. No missed calls. Good. I put my phone in my pocket before making my way back upstairs. I'll just leave Emily's phone down here and let her know she missed some calls when we get back down here in a few minutes.
I walk back into Emily's bedroom and up to the bathroom door just in time to hear the water shut off. I ask Emily if it's okay to come inside. I hear some muffled sounds for a few seconds before I hear her reply "yeah…come on in."
I see her wrapped in a towel with her eyes cast down towards the floor. I walk over towards her and tilt her chin up to me so she's making eye contact. "Even more beautiful than you were 20 minutes ago." I smile as I lean in…placing a soft, loving kiss on her lips.
"Did you find the wine instead of the coffee?" I hear her quietly retort.
"No…smartass. But I did find the coffee and started it so it should be ready when we get downstairs." I reply with a smirk.
"You can wait downstairs…or in the other room. You really don't have to help me with this." Emily says as she waves towards the first aid kit.
"I know…but I want to" I reply as I reach for the bandages. I'm momentarily startled by her injuries. The bandage had covered them and what was lying beneath had been much worse than I had initially thought it would be.
"You really should have stitches in this…but I'm sure you won't agree to that, will you?"
"No hospitals." Emily quickly replies.
"That's what I figured you'd say." I respond "So…let's see what we have in this kit of yours." I continue as I look through the kit.
I quickly find the supplies I need and re-bandage her arm. "We'll probably need to change that later." I state as I put away the supplies. "And we may need to pick up a few supplies while we're at the store too."
"Why do you seem like you're okay with all of this? Like it's just another day at the office or something?" Emily inquires.
"It's not that I'm exactly okay with it, Em. I wish you weren't hurting yourself and could find another way to deal with whatever it is that is causing you all the pain that you are obviously in. But you're not going to scare me away because of it either. I told you before…and I'll keep telling you for as long as you need me to…I'm not going anywhere…I'm in this for the long haul. Nothing you say or do will cause me to run away from you again…ever. I love you…and I'm determined to help you fight whatever you're facing…whether that's a real life bad guy…or some inner demon. You said you thought you were broken…but I will put you back together again…no matter how long it takes."
"That'll take forever." Emily whispers sadly.
"Even if it does take a long time, Em. I'll still be here. Forever and always sweetheart. Now why don't you finish getting ready and come downstairs. I'll get your coffee ready and we can figure out where we want to go for breakfast and what we need to get from the store while we're out." I smile as I lean in and place another soft kiss on her lips…lingering for just a moment before I pull away.
"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Emily quietly asks.
"I should be asking you that! You're the woman of my dreams… you have been since the first moment we met! You make me feel safe…loved…wanted…appreciated…not to mention you are insanely gorgeous…then and now! I could have never hoped or dreamed you really want to be with me in a real relationship. Then when you did…it scared me because I didn't think I deserved someone as good as you. You're my everything Emily…never doubt that! Besides…after everything I put you through…everything that you had to put up with from me? All of those times I ran off…all of that time I wasted because I was an insecure coward that took the easy way out, instead of fighting for you like I should have…you were always supportive no matter what. And the whole time…you were just you, Em…you loved me for me. That's all I could ever want…or need. And that's exactly what I'm going to do for you now too…love you and support you for you…exactly what you've been doing for me all along and what you deserved from me this whole time!" I reply as I lean in for another soft kiss before turning to offer a quick smile as I head downstairs to pour us both some much needed coffee.
It's been a long morning…but I think I've finally made some progress. She finally opened up to me and I think I finally got through to her…at least a little bit. I just hope we can keep moving forward from here.