A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: Violence towards a primary character is discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***This chapter is a continuation of the second "part" of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
""When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save." ~ Isaac Asimov
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Chapter 31
I feel like I'm caught between sleep and a dream…stuck in that moment right before you fully wake…when you try to go back to sleep…to remember what it was you were dreaming about but everything is mixed up in your head. So…I reluctantly decide to wake up…but in doing so…I find that I have to struggle to open my eyes. Then I realize I'm not home and I begin to become confused. I realize I have no idea what's going on. I try to figure out where I am. What happened? When did I fall asleep? When I finally do manage to fully open my eyes and take in my surroundings, none of my questions are answered. In fact…I'm even more confused than I was when I first woke up.
For some reason, I seem to be back at the house I lived in when I was a teenager in Italy. But this is a room I don't remember ever seeing before…yet I still know it's a part of that house. How did I end up here…and why?
It's looks like old dusty office of some kind…there are cobwebs and dust on almost every surface…a large desk…filing cabinets and folders everywhere…a couple of big chairs and one old creepy looking door in the far corner of the room. The room is dark and something you might see in a horror movie…but I don't feel scared here…just curious about why I'm here...and how I got here. I keep looking around and notice the room doesn't seem to have any windows where I can see outside…it must be an interior room.
Then I notice something…or rather someone… is here with me…my childhood friend Matthew. He walks up and wraps me in a big bear hug saying "thought you'd never wake up…damn…when you take a nap…you really take a nap."
My confusion grows exponentially. My memory is starting to come back in bits and pieces now…and the last thing I remember was being in that building with Lucas…hoping that JJ and Summer were safe…and trying to find a way to break free of the bindings that were holding me to that chair. How did I end up here? What the Hell is going on? Did something go wrong? Am I dead? Matthew died a few years ago. Why am I not scared to see him? Aren't most normal people scared when they see a ghost…or whatever it is that Matthew is now?
"Look…I know you have a ton of questions Em…I can hear your thoughts now. First…JJ and Summer are safe…but they're definitely worried about you. In fact, from time to time…you may even be able to hear them…other people too. Second…you aren't dead like me…at least not yet. You have a little time to decide that one. You're in a kind of limbo between life and death. I guess you could call me your guide or whatever. I'm here to help you work out some stuff that's keeping you stuck here" Matthew starts his explanation.
"As for Lucas…well…he is dead…probably burnt to a crisp by now…bastard. As for you…He messed you up pretty bad before he died…which is why you're here. He told you some horrible stuff before he died…did some horrible stuff to you….and you pulled the same trick you've done for years….hiding inside yourself to get away from what he was saying and doing. Problem was…this time when you hid…you hid a little too far…and now you are kind of stuck here…inside your head…in this weird limbo" Matthew continues on with his explanation…taking a seat in one of the chairs in the room.
"Until you work some things out…sort through some of your messy compartments…reorganize some of your past…you won't be able to move on…anywhere. I'll try to help you sort through some of it…or at least point you in the right direction…as much as I can. The rest is up to you" Matthew finishes by looking at me…a hint of sadness in his eyes.
"Not that I'm not thrilled to see you Mattie…but why are you the one helping me? And why the Hell am I back here…in Italy? I don't remember this room…but for some reason I still know it's part of the house I lived in with my parents in Italy…how is that even possible?" I fire off questions in rapid succession. My confusion as to what is going on after Matthew's explanation has still not cleared up.
"Well…I'm the one helping you because I'm the only one on the other side that knows almost everything about you…and as for why you are back in Italy…technically, you aren't. We're both really just inside your mind…inside that maze of compartments that you've built up over the years. You just hid so deeply inside your mind you ended up getting lost in here. But…since I'm dead…a ghost if you will…I was able to find where you were hiding…something no one else…including you…would've been able to do." Matthew tries to explain more about what is going on.
I start to ask a question…but Matthew continues on…"as for why we're in a room that looks like one from your old place back in Italy…well…that should be obvious. That's where everything started to fall apart for you…where everything changed for you. You know that as well as I do. You thought your life was going really well until you were in Italy and realized not everything was what it seemed…right? You knew your family wasn't like everyone else's…but you were in such a state of denial that you couldn't see the forest for the trees. But in Italy…everything changed. Italy was where you started compartmentalizing everything…where your whole personality changed. I saw you change right in front of me. But…If you don't believe me…take a look over there" Matthew finishes by pointing to a large stack of files that are near an open filing cabinet.
I slowly walk to the files and notice that each one is marked with a different label…in my own handwriting. The labels are various secrets that I've kept over the years…ones that I stored away hoping to never think about again. Some…in all reality…I thought I'd put away forever and some I had completely forgotten about entirely.
I glance around the room and notice that there are dozens of filing cabinets in this room and too many file folders to even attempt to count. Some of the cabinets are closed…some have locks on them…tape around them…shoved into dark corners of the room. Some of the cabinets are open with the files spilled out onto the floor...others look like they are completely empty. Either they haven't been used or the files within them have been removed for some reason.
"This place is a mess…it looks like a tornado went through here…all of these files and cabinets are everywhere." I state…genuinely confused by what I'm looking at.
Matthew softly chuckles. "These are all of your memories and secrets Em…ones you have tried so hard to keep locked away from everyone else. The ones scattered everywhere are those secrets that have gotten away from you or someone has found out about. You know how you've been feeling like your walls and compartments have been out of sorts or breaking? Now you can actually see why…these 'secret' files of yours are a mess…" Matthew finishes.
"I never took 'I'll file that away and never think about it again' literally…but I guess looking at all of this…it kinda makes sense. But...Well...yeah…I guess seeing it… I probably should have. But…what am I supposed to do with all of these files now? Am I just supposed to put them back in these cabinets? Is that how I fix everything…help me fix my compartments and make it easier for me? Then what? I go back to my life with the rest of my secrets back in place where they were before? Where they're supposed to be?" I ask…hoping it's that easy to fix the compartments and walls I had built up that I knew were starting to break before everything happened with Lucas.
"No Em…you have to sort through what's inside of those files and cabinets. Inside one of the files is the map for the maze inside your head…the way out of the catacombs of your mind…the proverbial key you need to unlock your mind and get out of this room…through that door over there." I watch as Matthew points to the door on the far side of the room. "Inside this room you're safe…at least for now. That door is the only way out of here. You'll have to sort through all of these files until you find the right one…once you do…you'll be able to leave here."
"What's on the other side of the door? More cabinets and more files?" I sarcastically reply.
"No Em…on the other side of that door is where you make your choice…whether you stay on Earth with your family and friends…or you go with me…baggage free…on to Heaven." Matthew finishes with a smile.
"Why can't I just decide now? Why would I have to go through all of this just to open that door?"
"You could go through that door now if you really want. But I wouldn't do that if I were you. You're safe in here with me…but even I couldn't find you out there. Without that map…you'll be lost forever in the catacombs of your mind. Whatever it was that Lucas said or did to you to make you hide so far inside yourself…so deep inside your mind…you're going to need that map to find your way back out. To be able to move on…either back to your family and friends or on with me. Either way though…you have to get rid of your past baggage first." Matthew replies.
Before I have a chance to ask anything, Matthew continues on. "Besides…you need to be able to see the good as well as the bad first…before you will be able to make the best decision. Not all of those cabinets are full of bad stuff…some of it is really good too. But you won't know until you sit down and start sorting through it all. I'll help you sort through some of it…work through some of the harder stuff…but I can't tell you what decision to make or how to feel about any of it. I'm just here to help guide you…and maybe help you relive some of the memories in case you don't remember exact details or want to see more of it again."
"What if I don't want to relive any of it? What if I just want to stay here with you?" I ask…terrified for the first time since I woke up here about what might be in those files.
"Sorry Em…but your time here is limited…and so is mine. If you don't go through those files or you can't find that map in time…the decision will be made for you. I'm not sure what that decision will be…but knowing how much you like to be in control of everything…I assume you'd rather make that choice yourself instead of leaving it up to someone else." Matthew explains.
"What would the decision be if I can't make it in time? And who would be the one to make it?" I ask.
"It's better not to ask who would be making that decision. As for what would be decided…I suppose you could end up moving on to Heaven…you could…I suppose…be sent on in the other direction…though I doubt that would happen. You might be stuck in some dark abyss…like a permanent state of limbo…or you could be pushed out of here and forced to wander around in the catacombs of your mind…where you chose to hide out. In all honesty…I really couldn't say for sure what would happen. All I can say is that you'll be much better off if you just go through those files and sort through your past. You've already lived it once…reading about won't be as hard as having to live it…and you already survived living through all of it. Besides…this time…I'll be right here with you to help you." Matthew finishes.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I reach for the file on the top of the stack…taking a seat next to Matthew. As I read the label…my heart starts to race. I know what's contained in this file but I still can't help but feel as though this may not be the best idea. Though based on what Matthew said…it's apparently the only option I have at this point. The file is labeled "The Truth about Mom and Dad". I think to myself 'well…here goes nothing' as I slowly open the file.