A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Your children need your presence more than your presents." ~ Jesse Jackson
"I know that in my own mind, I struggle with a desire to be both entirely absent and entirely present in any given moment." ~ K. Flay
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Chapter 35
I faintly hear what sounds like whispering…and then it's a little louder…just barely loud enough for me to hear…"Mom…I'm here now. I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you and Summer…or JJ…from that bastard…but I will protect you now. No one will ever hurt you again. No one will ever hurt any of you again. You have my word. All you have to do now is fight your way back to us. I know you're scared…we're all scared too. I know that you're scared of coming back and facing everything…but we're terrified of facing life without you in it. Please don't make us face that…please hear us and find your way back to all of us that need you…please mom."
"Matthew? Did you hear that? It sounded like Chance." I ask, but before he can answer me…I hear it again…but this time…it's a different voice.
"Chance is right mom…please come back to us…we love you and need you."
"Summer?" I whisper. Then I hear one more voice…one that I recognize immediately.
"Listen to your kids, baby…we all need you…we all love you…please come back to us" It's JJ.
Only I could swear I felt her squeeze my hand too. So much so that I look down at my hand to make sure she wasn't really there.
"Matthew…what's going on? Why can I hear them? Did I really just feel JJ squeeze my hand?" I ask…confused.
"Yeah Em…I heard them…and given what I know about you and JJ…how connected the two of you have been over the years…you probably were able to feel her squeeze your hand. I told you that you might be able to hear people around you from time to time…since we're really just trapped in your mind right now…and I'm just here trying to help you find your way out." Matthew smiled as he reminded me that what I was seeing all around me wasn't actually real…that I wasn't in some room in my old house in Italy reminiscing with an old friend. I'm really just in some weird place caught in between life and death.
Funny…this is yet another version of the "afterlife" that I had just been wondering about not too long ago. Guess you should be careful what you wish for…because you just might get it.
"I forgot you told me that…I had gotten so wrapped up in telling you about everything, I felt like it was happening all over again. That's weird, right? Talking about something that happened so long ago…but feeling like you're reliving it?" I ask.
"No Em…it isn't weird at all. Actually…that's what you're supposed to be doing…and why I'm here. There are things that you've buried and hidden for so long that you probably don't even remember them. One of those might be the key to getting you out of here…out of your head and back to your family…or if you don't want to go back…moving on with me. That's one decision that…if you find the map in time…will be entirely up to you."
I nod…almost forgetting about the time constraints Matthew had mentioned to me. "So…how much time do I have left to find this map?"
"You let me worry about the time…and you focus on those files…and finding that map…okay?" Matthew smiles at me. "I'll let you know if you're getting close on time. For now…let's get back to what we were talking about before."
I nod…still thinking about what Chance, Summer, and JJ all said. They all told me that they loved me and needed me…but I have to wonder…would they be better off without me? Would everyone? Given my past and everyone that's been hurt because of me…
I feel Matthew gently squeeze my hand as he asks "So…did you tell Lauren what happened…what you found out?"
I shake my head clear of my earlier thoughts and try to refocus on what he asked…remembering what we'd been talking about earlier.
"No…I just told her that I confronted my dad and he admitted it. I did tell her to be careful around Tom though…that he knew my dad and if he mentioned anything about running into her outside…that my dad might realize how I found him."
"So…what happened after you left your dad's place?" Matthew asked.
"We just went for a drive…no one was at my place…so Lauren just drove around for a while. She said she knew somewhere that we could get away from everyone and everything…which was exactly what I felt like doing in that moment. We ended up at the lighthouse in Anzio. I'd never been there before…but with the beach and all of the caves along the shoreline…you really could just hide away from everyone else."
"So that's how you found that place? I always wondered about that. I knew you would go there when you needed to think…or wanted to be alone. I just never knew how you found it or when you started going there. I guess it makes sense now." Matthew replies.
"We walked along the beach for a while…and found one of the caves to sit in while we watched the sunset. It really was relaxing and it Lauren was so sweet…she never pushed for me to answer any questions. She just stayed with me and quietly supported me…which was what I needed then. That ended up becoming 'our spot'…if you will. Anytime we could…we came back to that same cave so we could be alone…just the two of us."
"And you never told her about what you found out…about your dad's secret life?" Matthew asked.
"No…I didn't really see any need in telling her…you were the only one that I said anything to…and that wasn't until later on. And you know…I hadn't really been planning on saying anything to you either…but after what happened that night you found me…I knew I had to explain why I did what I did…so you'd understand. Besides…I knew after what happened that night…after everything else that had happened…you'd never say anything to anyone else."
"Of course not. You probably didn't realize it at the time…but you were one of the most important people in the world to me back then Emily. You were my family…my best friend…my everything. I would never have betrayed your trust." Matthew offered a smile as he glanced my direction.
"And you were the one person that I trusted more than anyone else at that point in my life…and why I shared more with you than I did with anyone else…even Lauren." I explained.
"I remember you spending a lot of time with her leading up to your birthday and then for a little while after…then your parents had that weird belated birthday party for you…and a month or so later…her and her family moved back to the states. I remember you were so upset when that happened…but given everything else that was going on at the same time…you told me you thought it was for the best. I knew there was more to the story…but I didn't ask at the time. It wasn't until later you filled me in on everything. Maybe if you would've told me at the time I could've helped more." Matthew sadly stated.
"In all honesty Mattie…I didn't know the whole story until later either….until it was too late to do anything about any of it. Everything seemed to be going really good between Lauren and me…she was even there for me when my parents were a no-show on my birthday. I can't say I'm surprised they weren't there…but that was the first year they didn't even have the staff bring a card or gift or anything. It wasn't until a day or so later they realized what they did and apparently their guilt kicked in and they planned that stupid party." I start my explanation.
"I wish now they would've just forgotten about it entirely…given how everything turned out…but I guess you can't change the past. They went overboard on presents for me…they added assets to my portfolio…properties that I would inherit as part of my trust…more money to my trust fund that I didn't want in the first place…another prized quarter horse in the stable…though I did enjoy riding…a new, ridiculously expensive car…and of course…my father's ultimate bribe…private lessons for my pilot's license along with a plane that I would obtain once I passed the test for the license. He knew I wanted to learn to fly…so he arranged for me to work with a private pilot to learn to fly." I continue.
"I suppose he thought that would appease me in some way and make me forget about all of the troubling secrets I had learned over the past weeks and months. Nothing like bribing your child into silence. Plus…nothing says 'I love you' like a bunch of material possessions with no emotional investment whatsoever…along with a formal party with a ton of dignitaries…ambassadors…and socialites that I had no interest in spending time with at all. On top of that…I knew they still had an ulterior motive of setting me up with Lucas…the son of my mother's snooty co-worker. I had zero interest in him whatsoever…so I made sure that both you and John would be at the party that night." I finished.
"Yeah…I remember you calling to make sure we would both be there. Thankfully…we were both going to be in town. The only thing I remember about him though was that he was a little creepy and followed all of us around for the first part of the night. I don't remember a lot about that night…other than the three of us tried to stick together…and stay away from him. Other than that…you kept mentioning Lauren and how she had some special birthday surprise planned for you that upcoming weekend." Matthew replied.
"The sad thing about that night was that I only remember a few things…that I spent most of my night with you and John…but your parents had to leave early for business the next morning so you ended up leaving early. I did end up having one short dance with Lucas…just to make my parents happy…but I made sure John was there and cut in before it drug on too long. I thought Lucas was just trying to fit in…being sweet and polite that night. He kept bringing both of us punch and snacks. Looking back on it…I wonder if he didn't put something in the food or punch since neither John or I could remember much about that night. I remember offering to show John the new horse my mother bought me and we walked down to the stables." I glance up at Matthew as I start remembering more about the party.
"The next thing either of us remembered was waking up the next morning…still in the stables…realizing we had slept together. I knew John had always had a crush on me…but I never felt that way about him. I have no idea if John was being honest with me when he said didn't remember anything at all…given the crush he had on me. Or if he just said that because he was scared of what I might say or do…given how shocked I was waking up next to him that morning realizing what happened. Either way…we both know how that turned out. Now though I have to wonder…if Lucas did put something in our drinks or food…was he hoping to knock John out…get him out of the way…so he could be there with me instead? Was that his plan…and John just got in the way? Or am I just making up some excuse for my poor judgment?" I ask.
"You may be on to something there Em…given everything that happened after that…and everything that Lucas did later on. I remember waking up feeling like crap the next day too. Maybe he planned on drugging both of us hoping to get John and I out of the way so he could get you alone that night. Since I left early…John says he doesn't remember and you don't remember. We can only guess about what would've happened…the only thing we do know is that you end up sleeping with John that night regardless of what Lucas might've been planning. Guess we'll never know what might've happened…or what he might've been planning." Matthew interjects.
"Guess not…It doesn't matter though. Either way…We both tried to pretend like nothing happened…since neither of us could remember it anyway. I went ahead and met up with Lauren later that week and she had this amazing, romantic surprise waiting for me at our spot. Both of my parents were away on business…again… so we didn't have to worry about rushing back home. She had all of these candles out and this blanket on the ground…and music playing in the background. From where we were…you could see the ocean and the moon just above the ocean…it was breath-taking. Almost as breath-taking as Lauren was that night. We danced together to the music…and for one night I almost forgot everything that was wrong in my life." I smile sadly as I remember holding Lauren…dancing to the music under the moonlight.
"I got lost in her blue eyes. I never wanted that night to end. We spent the night together…making love all night. That was her way of celebrating my birthday...of showing me that she really did love me. It was the most amazing night of my life. She was so sweet…so loving. It was the first time in my life that I truly felt like someone actually cared about me…and wanted to be with me. Nothing against what the two of us shared…because I know you loved me too…just in a different way." I glanced up at Matthew and see him nod back at me.
I continue with my story after seeing that he understands what I meant…"The guilt over what I had done with John earlier nearly killed me…but I just bottled that up inside and kept it to myself. I knew it was a mistake and one that I had no intention of ever repeating. I didn't want to be with John…I wanted to be with Lauren….and I wasn't going to let one mistake that I didn't even remember ruin what I had with her."
"Except that it did…didn't it?" Matthew sadly replied.