A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

***This is one of those chapters where it is discussed***

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them." ~ Phoebe Stone

"We all handle loss in our individual ways, grieve in all kinds of ways. We all go through feeling okay sometimes, but other times, we feel so bad we hurt ourselves or those around us." ~ E. Journey
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Chapter 36

"Yeah….it did. Over the next few weeks…my entire life blew up in my face. My parents found out that Lauren had been the one that led me to my father's doorstep. Isabella's brother Tom had a crush on Lauren and made a comment about seeing her in front of the house…something about hoping to bump into her again sometime. He thought it was harmless and didn't realize the damage it would end up doing. My parents fired her because of that and that made it difficult for me to contact her. Then I found out I was pregnant and realized that one stupid night that I couldn't even remember with John had led to that…and my parents found out about it too. Figures the one time my parents would be home would end up being when I was mid-morning sickness and they'd hear me getting sick. They knew I never got sick and figured it out pretty quickly. They insisted I get an abortion right away. They couldn't have their perfect teenage daughter end up knocked up…that would ruin their image. That's when I called you and told you what was going on." I glanced up sadly at Matthew.

"Yeah…I remember taking you to that clinic…but you changed your mind…you couldn't go through with it." Matthew replied.

"No…I couldn't. I knew all of the reasons I should…but I just couldn't. I also knew that I couldn't tell my parents that I hadn't or they would keep pressuring me to go through with it…so when we got back to Rome…I let them believe I did."

"And that was when Lauren overheard you and your parents talking, wasn't it?" Matthew asked.

"Yeah…but I didn't realize that at the time. She had been to the house to see me and my parents told her I wasn't home. They thought she left but she stayed behind to see me. None of us realized she was there and she ended up overhearing me and my parents talking about it. John's parents had been there right before I got back and had argued with them about making a decision that affected their family too. My parents had to bribe Johns' parents into silence…they couldn't let my secret get out. Apparently, she must've heard that part too. I tried to talk to her…to spend time with her once I got back from the clinic with you, but she was never home and never answered her phone. Then…I got a letter from her a week or so later telling me that her parents were offered a job back in the states and that they'd be moving in a few days. She told me that she wished me all the best and she hoped I had a wonderful future. The way she was in the letter was just so cold…almost bitter. I knew something was wrong…something had changed drastically…so I tried to contact her. But whenever I tried calling…the phone just rang and no one would answer. I tried for almost a week to reach her by phone with no luck. I assumed she had already moved with her parents back to the states and that's when I told you that her and her parents had moved and it was probably for the best." I glance up at Matthew as I continue.

"I couldn't understand why she had been so mean…so bitter in that letter to me. Why after we had shared such a romantic night together she had just vanished from my life. I had assumed she just used me…that her feelings weren't real and she had just been pretending to care about me until she got what she wanted from me. That's why I told you I thought it was for the best she moved away. I was hurt and angry with her. I didn't know what had really happened…why she really left. I didn't know at the time she heard my parents talking about me being pregnant…about having an abortion so no one would find out about me being with John…or that she thought I cheated on her or chose someone else over her. She thought I used her and didn't care about her…exactly what I had been thinking she'd felt about me. We were both wrong. That was when I heard the news. " I whisper the last part…fighting back tears.

"Who told you?" Matthew asked.

"I overheard my parents talking. I had been in my room working on homework and decided to get a snack from the kitchen. I was walking downstairs when I heard my parents say something about trying to decide whether to tell me about Lauren or not. I came around the corner and asked them what they were talking about. The look in their eyes told me that it wasn't good news…my dad finally spoke up and said that Lauren was dead. She had killed herself the night before. I tried to tell them that Lauren wouldn't do something like that…but they said that it had something to do with her parent's sudden move back to the states. They also heard that she left a note…something about being sorry she wasn't good enough and that she was tired of being used by everyone. My parents said something like 'poor girl…how sad it was that her parents or her friends just didn't see she was in trouble or maybe someone took advantage of her.' Then they said that it was too bad I didn't get a chance to talk to her when she stopped by the house to visit with me before she moved…and my heart just dropped." I fight back tears as I remember that conversation.

"I knew in that moment that the note she left wasn't about her parents moving back to the states…it was about me. She thought I had taken advantage of her…that I thought she wasn't good enough for me. I never felt that way…not once. But I never had a chance to tell her that…even though I tried to over and over again. She thought I chose John over her…which couldn't have been further from the truth. She lost her job…her future…and her parents were forced to move…all because of me. The guilt of that was unbearable."

"So that's why you did what you did…isn't it?" Matthew asked.

"The thought of trying to hide my pregnancy was already becoming too much…plus trying to keep my parents' secrets for them…and then finding out Lauren had killed herself because of me…or so I thought at the time… it was just too much for me to handle…so yeah…that's why I did it." I answered.

"What do you mean…thought at the time?" Matthew asked.

"I think Lucas might've had something to do with Lauren's death. I just started to remember something as we were talking. I remember seeing Lauren's picture right before I got trapped in my head…he said he killed her…or somehow talked her into killing herself. I'm not exactly sure how…but something tells me that he had a hand in it in some way. I never did think Lauren would do something like that…and knowing what Lucas is capable of makes me believe that even more so now." I reply.

"I guess that's possible…or maybe he just told you that to torture you. Either way…Lucas was a conniving bastard. So I suppose it's possible that he might've had something to do with what happened to Lauren. But we both know that he didn't have anything to do with your choice…at least not directly. You've said before that you wished I wouldn't have shown up when I did back then…that I wouldn't have saved you. Do you still feel that way? I know you can't change the past…but that one choice did impact everything that happened after that…for all of us." Matthew asked as he looked directly into my eyes.

"Honestly Mattie…that's a question that I have struggled with over the years…one that I don't really have a good answer to. Part of me could easily say I wish you would've shown up too late…but another part of me isn't so sure. I guess that's the same situation I'm in right now. Should I stay or should I go? It seemed so simple back then…and it was simpler back then. Chance wasn't even born yet…so I didn't have any kids to worry about. I wasn't close to my siblings. I was basically invisible to my parents…so me dying wouldn't have been a big deal. Now…I have kids…friends…family…other things to worry about. That call I made to you…telling you where I was and saying goodbye…is something I'll always wonder about. Had I not called you…you would've never been able to save me…but I didn't want to not say goodbye to the one person that meant something to me either." I look back into Matthews eyes.

"You know…when I walked in and found you that night…I thought you I'd lost you. I never imagined I'd find you with a rope around your neck like that…completely lifeless…or that I'd have to do CPR on my best friend. I'm just glad it finally worked. You were so pissed at me when you opened your eyes." Matthew recounted.

"That's because I was pissed. I was also so disappointed that I was still there. I had hoped at the time that those last few breaths I took would actually be my last breaths…and you came in and changed all of that by saving me." I reply.

"You were so quiet when you first came around…it really scared me. I couldn't understand why you did it. I kept asking you what happened and why you did it. After a while, you finally told me what led you to that point…and I promised you that I would make sure I helped you get through everything…no matter what happened. I remember that we went to your parents the next day and told them you were still pregnant and that you were going to keep the baby no matter what they said. I told them that if I had to help you raise it I would...with or without their support. I didn't care what they said or how they reacted…I was going to help you. They realized that I had no intention of walking away from you." Matthew recounted.

"I think it caught them off guard…how determined we both were…more you than me. And if I'm honest…I think deep down they knew what had happened the night before. The marks on my neck were pretty obvious…and you were hovering around me…just waiting to jump in and protect me. Even though neither of us told them about what I did…and they never asked…I think it startled them enough to give in. They finally relented, but only because they decided to send me away to live with my father's brother and his wife. They had managed to bribe everyone in town that had found out about my pregnancy and 'abortion' so my grandparents wouldn't find out about it. John's parents weren't exactly happy about any of it…but with the large influx of cash they got from my parents…they went along with the charade. But…with all of those bribes and everything they'd already done to keep my secret…they couldn't have me stay in Rome." I shake my head remembering all of the secrets and lies that started to pile on each other that we all had to keep.

"You came with me…much to your parent's displeasure…but only on the condition that you'd stay for a little while. You had to lie to your parents. Just more lies and secrets that were beginning to become an all too common pattern. You told them that I was moving to another school and needed help moving and getting settled in…and then you'd go back to Rome. We finally told John the truth….making sure he promised not to tell his parents or anyone else. We both knew that wasn't going to be a problem since he didn't want anything to do with raising a kid. You seemed like you'd be fine with it…but I didn't want you stuck raising someone else's baby. So once I got settled…I insisted you go back to Rome. I tried to keep in touch with you once you went back…but your parents were so mad at me for 'ruining your life'…keeping you away from your family, friends, and school for those few months…they did everything possible to keep us apart." I sadly finish.

"I remember. I was so happy when I was staying with you at your Aunt and Uncle's place. I really did want to stay. I knew as soon as I got back home that my parents would try and keep us apart…and that's exactly what happened. I was so angry with my parents for keeping me from you…keeping us apart. I wanted to help you and the baby…to stay with you at your Aunt and Uncle's place and so when I got back to Rome…I just shut down. I tried to keep in touch with you too…but my parents were so horrible about the whole thing…and then they transferred out of Rome thinking that if they moved I'd get better…but that just made me shut down completely. My parent's had taken the one person that I cared about and that cared about away from me…you. I just went off the rails after that. My parents blamed you for that…but it was never your fault. I'd like to say it was theirs…but in all truth…it was mine. I made some really bad choices after we stopped spending time together and I never could get my life back on track. I kept in touch with John from time to time and kept tabs on you as much as possible…but I could just never get my act together. I know you blame yourself for how my life turned out…but that was never your fault." Matthew smiled sadly as he replied.

"It was at least partially my fault Mattie…your life was going really well until I pulled you into all of my crap…and for that…I am sorry. I know your parents blamed me too…not that I blamed them either. "

"No, Em…it wasn't your fault. My life and how it turned out were based entirely on my own decisions…and the same can be said for how John's life has turned out. I know you blame yourself for the way his life has turned out too…but you can't take on that kind of responsibility. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives…our own decisions. Good or bad…right or wrong…but we can't take on the responsibility for the choices made by others too. No one has the power to read someone else's mind or make decisions for someone else. Taking on that kind of responsibility or guilt will only weigh you down…and lead to more secrets, lies, and files like all of these that you have to sort through. Don't try and take on everyone else's garbage too…just sort through your own stuff." Matthew replies as he waves his hand around the stacks around him. "Speaking of sorting…we've basically sorted through all of the files up to when you went to live with your Aunt and Uncle…so what file is next in that stack of yours?"

"Before the BAU"