A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. – This is one of those "triggering" chapters.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"I see that the path of progress has never taken a straight line, but has always been a zigzag course amid the conflicting forces of right and wrong, truth and error, justice and injustice, cruelty and mercy." ~ Kelly Miller
"The underbelly of the human psyche, what is often referred to as our dark side, is the origin of every act of self-sabotage. Birthed out of shame, fear, and denial, it misdirects our good intentions and drives us to unthinkable acts of self-destruction and not-so-unbelievable acts of self-sabotage." ~ Debbie Ford
Chapter 38
I'm still thinking about everything that Chance had told me when I hear the rest of my team coming down the hall.
Hotch is the first to speak "Reid said you found out some new information."
"Yeah. Chance just told me something very strange. He said Emily was told that Lauren died a few years earlier than what Garcia's search pulled up. I know that Garcia's records are almost never wrong, but Garcia…can you make sure the information you found out is correct…that it wasn't 'tampered' with for some reason?" I ask…glancing towards Garcia.
"You really think someone would change records like that? But why?" Garcia asks…confused by my request.
"I'm not sure Garcia…but something about this whole situation just doesn't make any sense. Chance told me that the Ambassador and Emily's dad denied even knowing Lauren…but even he knew who she was…apparently Lauren and Emily were close…so why would they lie?" I question.
"We haven't had a chance to ask them yet. We were about to start our interview when Reid stopped us and told us you had more information. You've mentioned this Chance person a couple of times now. I assume that's the young man in the room with Emily. Who is he?" Rossi asks.
"Chance is Emily's son, Rossi." I state.
I see Rossi start to ask a question, but interrupt before he can "I know this is a lot to take in…I'm still sorting it all out myself. I don't know if you knew about him or not, but I just found out about him earlier tonight…about the same time I found out about Summer."
"No…The only thing she ever told me was that she got pregnant when she was 15 and was living in Rome…but that she said she had an abortion. Looks like she told me part of the story…but apparently she lied about the second part. My question is why? Why keep him a secret from everyone and say she had an abortion?" Rossi asks.
"I have no idea why she'd tell you part of the story but not the rest. The only thing I know is that Chance said Emily was trying to protect him and Summer from Ian and Lucas…though I have no idea why they kept him a secret before anything happened with Lucas or Ian. Maybe Emily's parents can fill you in…since it seems like we're missing some part of the story on that. As for Chance…he seems to be very protective of Summer and Emily…and it seems like they're all really close. Though I have no idea where he's been all this time or anything else about him." I explain.
"Well…him being her son explains how he was able to shut down Alex and Elizabeth so quickly. I've never seen someone speak to either of them the way he did and not be ripped to shreds. Not only did he not back down…but he threatened to physically remove them from the building if they didn't act like civil adults and stop arguing immediately. He had a dangerous calm about him that seemed to almost frighten them and they never even attempted to argue with him. It was really quite impressive." Rossi half-smirked.
"Did Chance say anything else?" Morgan asks. He deliberately avoids asking any questions about Chance…but the irritation in his voice is unmistakable. He feels like he was shut out again…though this time…it wasn't by any of us…just Emily.
"No…but I have to wonder…based on what Chance said…why does Emily think Lauren died three or four years before the records that Garcia found shows she died? And how is Lucas involved in all of this? Did Emily's parents know Lucas when Emily was a teenager….or did they only meet him after Emily and him were together later on. If that's the case…then how would Lucas know about Lauren? Did Emily's parents know any of the other victims…or did anyone else in Emily's family know any of them. There has to be some connection between Emily and those particular victims or Lucas wouldn't have chosen them…I'm just not sure what it is yet." I state firmly.
"I agree. I don't think he chose his victims randomly. I think he chose those particular victims for a reason. We just have to figure out what the reason was. We'll start with Emily's parents and see what information we can find out from them and go from there." Hotch replies.
"Garcia…can you find out the dates and locations for where the victims were at leading up to their deaths and find pictures of them when they were still alive. I want to show Chance and Summer their pictures…see if they recognize any of them." I finish.
"Do you really think they would know the victims?" Garcia asks.
"Well…Chance knew Lauren. Odds are Lucas wasn't choosing his victims randomly…so maybe her kids were part of that connection…maybe not. We won't know until we ask." I respond.
"Rossi and I will talk to the Ambassador, Alex, and Isabella. Morgan…Reid…you guys help Garcia get the details together on the other victims so that I can show those to the three of them and JJ can show them to Chance and Summer and we can see what we can find out. Maybe we can see a pattern somewhere."
With nods all around…everyone disperses and I return to Emily's room taking my place right next to Emily….but not before leaning over to whisper in her ear once more. "I'm back sweetheart…I told you I wouldn't be long…and that nothing could keep me away from you."
I softly kiss her temple before retaking her hand in mine and resuming my vigilant watch over her…glancing up at the machines once again to check her vital signs…all still normal for now.
"So Em…what does this file have in it?" Matthew asks.
"Not sure…guess we're about to find out."
When I open up this file, I'm immediately taken back to the country home I stayed at when I was pregnant with Chance. It was a nice home…not nearly as palatial as the ones I had been so accustomed to living in before…but for me…that was a good thing. My aunt and uncle were almost polar opposites of my parents. They were down to earth people that had a genuine affection for one another and for their children.
"You remember how nice their house was…and how different my aunt and uncle were from my parents…don't you Mattie?"
"Yeah…that was one of the reasons why I wanted to stay there with you Em. Besides, I could tell you were feeling isolated…considering that you couldn't go to school while you were pregnant and you were stuck at the house trying to work with a tutor so you wouldn't fall behind with your classes…but otherwise…you were basically alone most of the time." Mattie replied.
"Yeah…the tutor was okay…but I was used to working with Lauren and the new tutor was this old guy that showed up a couple of times a week with homework and then left. He was some friend of my uncle's that was doing him a favor…so I had to be nice to him…but he was kind of an ass."
"Yeah…I got that impression when I met him too…but you didn't have to work with him too long though, right?" Mattie asked.
"No…just while I was pregnant. Then my aunt and uncle enrolled me a school near where they lived. I hated that school though too. I didn't fit in…and didn't really have any friends there. And like you…I started making some bad choices…acting out…getting into trouble. I really tried to make things work with my aunt and uncle…but between Lauren dying…having to pretend that Chance wasn't mine and was my aunt's kid instead…going to a new school, again…and being alone all of the time…I just kept getting worse every day. My aunt and uncle tried to help me…but I wouldn't listen. I was self-destructing and I wasn't going to let anyone get in my way."
"What do you mean you were self-destructing Em?" Mattie asked.
"I felt like I had nothing left…no one cared about me and no one and nothing to care about. I was doing drugs and drinking all the time…staying out all night…just wandering around…or going for a drive. They kept trying to hide my keys…since I was driving drunk half of the time…but then I would just run off again. They finally had enough when they caught me in my car getting ready to leave…drunk again…with a bunch of drugs in my purse. They told me that they weren't going to allow me to live there anymore if I was going to do drugs. They said it wasn't safe for me…for my son…for them…or for their kids. I took that to mean that I was kicked out, when they really just wanted me to stop taking drugs and drinking. I was so messed up I just couldn't see they were trying to help me…so I left."
"You left? Where did you go?" Mattie asked…concern crossing his face.
"I started driving back to the last place that I had been truly happy…the caves near that lighthouse in Anzio…but I didn't make it. I was too drunk to be behind the wheel and I lost control of the car…the next thing I remember was skidding and the car rolling over a bunch of times. I remember hearing the screeching of the tires…the metal crunching…trees snapping…and the sound of glass breaking all around me. Then everything went dark for a while…when I woke up…I was still in the car and it was upside down…and there was blood everywhere. I have no idea where it was coming from…but I remember that I was completely mesmerized by it. Everything I had hurt…but especially inside…my heart just felt completely broken. I felt like a complete failure at everything. I looked around at that mangled car and thought it ironic that my life was just as mangled as the car. While looking around inside the car…I found a piece of broken glass…probably from the windshield or side window and sliced both of my wrists with it. I figured that whenever someone finally found the car…they'd assume I died from injuries I got in the accident…and not from cutting my own wrists. Then I just watched the blood run down my arms…still completely mesmerized by the patterns it was making…and felt peaceful for the first time in forever. Then everything went dark again."
"You tried to kill yourself again?" Mattie asked…horrified.
"Yeah…but as you can see…it didn't work that time either." I quietly reply.
Mattie takes my hands in his and turns my wrists over…examining the marks on my wrists.
"God, Em…I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you. I knew I should've stayed. Forgive me?" Mattie sadly requests.
"This…" I reply…nodding to my wrists…"was not your fault…so there is nothing to forgive you for." I state firmly. "I was Hell-bent on self-destructing…and no one was going to stop me. I told you before…I made some bad choices too. Just like you told me earlier…we all have to take responsibility for our own choices…but we can't take ownership of the choices of others too…and that goes for you too."
"Well…at least I know you were listening to me earlier…now you just have to remember that later on if and when something bad happens." Mattie replies. "So…what happened after you blacked out?"
"Someone saw the car…off the side of some road…and when they looked in the car…they found me. They took me to the hospital and while I was there…I sobered up. My aunt and uncle realized that I needed more than just a vague threat or some strong words…so they insisted I go to therapy. I didn't want to at first…but they told me that was the only way to not have my drunk driving and attempted suicide NOT appear on my permanent record or have my parents find out. I was shocked they even realized what had really happened…and even more shocked that they were still willing to help me. I thought that I would just go and sit through a few therapy sessions and be done with it…just to get my aunt and uncle off of my case…but it turns out…the therapist actually did help a little bit. I can't say that I was completely honest with the therapist…but I will say that they helped me with the drugs and drinking problem that I had…and with some of the issues I had about Chance."
"What about your self-destructive stuff…did you get over all of that too?" Mattie asked.
"Not exactly…I just found a different way to deal with it…and hide it much better." I shyly reply.
"What do you mean?" Mattie asked…slightly confused.
"What I mean was that when I was in that car…when I cut my wrists…I realized that when I did that I felt peaceful…calm. I hadn't felt that way in so long…so the next time I started to feel panicked or wound up about something…I tried it again…to see if it would have the same effect. Only that time…I didn't cut as deep…and I did it in a place that would be easy to hide. I realized that whenever I did that…I felt calm…so I started to do it more often. Once I started doing it…I was able to focus on school…helping around the house…spending time with Chance. I was able to be the version of me that everyone wanted me to be…and when things would get too hard…or get too emotional…I would find something sharp and take the pain away by focusing the pain inside on something I could see on the outside for a little while. I got really good at hiding that side of myself…and anything else that was overly emotional. I learned to lie and put a mask on whenever I was around other people so they couldn't tell I was still quietly self-destructing…I just wasn't as obvious about it. I had it under control a lot more and my focus on everything else was much clearer. After a while…everyone just assumed I was back to my old self again and that everything was back to normal…whatever that is."
"But it wasn't…was it?" Mattie asked.