A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. – This is one of those "triggering" chapters.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up before too long.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Looking back, I sometimes wish I had done things differently. But if I had, I'm not sure that I wouldn't have proven to be my own worst enemy." ~ Michael McDonald
"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." ~ George Santayana
Chapter 39
"It was the closest thing to normal I could find, Mattie. Then when my mom got a new posting in back in the States…all of us…my aunt and uncle…their kids…Chance and I…we all moved back to the States too. I started going to school there…Chance was enrolled in a pre-K and their kids were enrolled in school there too. My parents said something about moving back in with them…but I decided to stay with my aunt and uncle most of the time. I just had to show up at my parent's place for special events and dinners…you know…to put in an appearance. I ended up living with my aunt and uncle until I went to College. I still came back to their place on the weekends and any other time I could so that I could spend as much time with Chance as possible."
"Sounds like you ended up being really close with them. Are you still close to them now?" Mattie asked.
"Yeah…for the most part. I'm definitely closer to them than I am my parents. Being there for as long as Chance and I were there, spending time with them, I was able to get to know them a lot better. Before I was dropped off on their doorstep…I didn't really know either one of them. All I ever knew about them before all of that happened were the stories I would occasionally hear from my father once in a while. Then…I found out a few months after you left that my grandmother had disowned my uncle…that was one of the main reasons I didn't know them very well…because he chose his wife over his family and fortune." I explain.
"Your grandmother really disowned her own son…because of his wife?" Mattie asks…shocked.
"Yeah…sounds like a wonderful woman, doesn't she? Almost makes me want to nominate the Ambassador for mother of the year." I sarcastically reply…then shake my head…as if something I've just said reminded me of some other conversation.
"What is it Em?" Mattie asks.
Then I remember…Lucas…taunting me about Chance and Summer…about not acknowledging them or being around them when they were growing up. He said that I would never be nominated for any kind of mother of the year award. I shake my head once more…trying to focus my thoughts.
"Sorry about that…just remembering something Lucas said to me right before I got lost in my head…that's all. Now…where was I…oh…that's right…my fairy godmother…the grand-bitch that caused most of my family drama." I reply.
"Anyways…That was how and why my father knew what would happen if he chose Isabella over staying with my mother. He had witnessed it already with his brother. I also found out that my father was secretly providing money and anything else my uncle and his family needed. That was yet another reason my father felt as though he had no other option but to stay with my mother. Not only would his life with Isabella and their children be ruined, but so would mine, my mothers, and my Uncle…along with the rest of his family as well." I finish.
"Wow…so your father was sending money to your aunt and uncle and your grandmother never found out? Did that change how you saw your father…what you thought about him?" Mattie asked.
"Maybe a little…I guess it just helped me to understand where he was coming from a little more. He felt like he was stuck…and seeing that he was trying to help his brother and keep everyone from losing everything…trying to make everyone else happy…I guess maybe I understood that feeling a little bit too. It didn't change the fact that he didn't treat me the way he should've when I was younger…him or my mother…but I guess given the circumstances…that he was trying to provide for three different families…I guess he was doing what he thought was the right thing and what he felt was the best he could at the time." I respond.
"What I found most striking about all of that new information I found out during my conversations with my aunt and uncle was how my grandfather had ever come to marry someone as cruel as my grandmother. My grandfather was a wonderful, compassionate, gentle man (in many ways…much like Rossi), and yet my grandmother could be so cruel. More so, in many ways, than any serial killer I had ever profiled. I realize that opposites attract, but this much of a difference seemed extreme. I found out in some of my conversations with my aunt and uncle that their marriage had been arranged, and that my grandfather had not been in favor of the marriage at all, but reluctantly agreed to it to appease his parents. Why anyone thought arranged marriages were beneficial or useful was beyond me and this just further reinforced my belief." I finish.
"Do you think your grandmother acted the way she did because she realized your grandfather didn't love her…or maybe loved someone else instead?" Mattie asked.
"I suppose that's possible…but to treat your own children so poorly…to cut them off without so much as a second thought or another word…is beyond my understanding. I know I could never do that to any of my kids."
"Speaking of kids…it looks like you've gotten to the end of that section of the file. Does that take you to when you met Lucas again...at College? That's when you had Summer…and I assume you didn't have any kids between Chance and Summer, right?"
"No…smartass. You know about all of my kids." I reply.
"Yeah…I do. But your team still doesn't…do they?" Mattie quietly asks.
"From what I remember before I got lost in my head…no. I think JJ had found out about Chance and Summer…and the team already knew part of the story about Matthew. They still call him Declan even though I changed his name when I officially adopted him. That was the part of the story I left out when they found out about him. They knew I helped bring him to the states and that he was living with a friend…but I didn't tell them anything about who that friend really was…since that would've opened up a whole new can of worms…and I didn't tell them Tom and I had officially adopted him either." I explained.
"I always did want to thank you for naming him after me, Em. That meant a lot to me when you told me about that." Mattie replied.
"You were always important to me Mattie…and I wanted you to realize just how important. I couldn't think of a better name than that…or a better person to name him after." I smile as I reply.
"I assume you didn't mention the formal adoption or who Tom really was because of his ties to Isabella, right?" Mattie asks.
"Yeah…I just told them he was an old friend. I couldn't exactly tell them he was my dad's brother-in-law…or that I had known him since I was a teenager in Italy. That he had worked in the same circles as I did because he still felt guilty over his connection to Lauren and her death…or that he constantly felt the need to protect me and make up for what had happened. There aren't many people that I trust, Mattie. Tom is one of them. He would die before he let anything happen to me or any of my kids…and he's proven that more than once. I couldn't let the team know how I knew that…so I just told them I'd known him for a while…that I trusted him and he would keep Declan safe." I finish.
"So JJ knows about Chance and Summer…and all of your team knows about Matthew…or Declan, I guess…what about the rest of the stuff with Ian and…"Mattie starts to ask a question…but I cut him off.
"No…they don't know about that…JJ has probably told the team about Chance and Summer by now…but unless Chance or Summer said something to one of them…they don't know anything else."
"Well…Ian and Lucas are both dead now…so it's safe for you and all of your family now. That's one secret you don't have to keep anymore. Unless there is some other reason you think you still need to keep that part of your life a secret." Mattie states.
"I don't know Mattie…that's a lot to ask of JJ. Springing two kids on her that are almost adults is one thing…but this is completely different. She said her and Will are just friends…and she already has Henry…but is that really the truth…or was she just saying that because she thought that was what I wanted to hear? Besides, if I can even find that stupid map to get out of my head…I'm assuming that I'm probably not going to be in the best shape to be handling much of anything at first…not that I was doing that well before all of this crap with Lucas happened. She was already a flight risk before…even if she was being honest…do I really want to risk her running at a full sprint towards the door when she finds out about this too?" I ask.
"You really think she'd leave you if she finds out about it?" Mattie asks.
"She's left for a lot less. Besides…I'm not the easiest person to be around most days anyways. You add this to my sparkling personality and amazing coping skills…" I sarcastically start "why would she want to stay?" I finish.
"Uhhmmm…maybe because she actually loves you. Did you ever consider that?" Mattie replies.
"She says she does…but after everything that's happened…I still have a hard time believing it. I mean…let's be real for a minute here…I'm not the easiest person to love." I sadly reply.
"Well…I personally think the two of you are perfect for each other…and you two are obviously connected or you wouldn't be able to hear her or feel her whenever she's near you…not if the bond you two share wasn't as strong as it clearly is…even if you can't see it right now. I could tell earlier that when I was holding your hand…you felt her holding your hand too. Besides…wouldn't it be better to find out now how she feels instead of waiting for months or even longer and then springing it on her?" Mattie replies.
"How did you…nevermind. I guess I did feel her holding my hand earlier…but I didn't realize that's what I was feeling. I just thought you had a really good grip at first. And I get the feeling that she's still around me somewhere…wherever that actually is. I assume I'm probably in a hospital or something…but who knows. As for everything else…I guess you're probably right about that too. But none of that will matter if I can't find that stupid map anyways." I reply.
"Well then…I guess you need to get started on the next part of that file then." Mattie states.
"Yeah…I suppose you're right…on to the next part."
"Which is?" Mattie asks.
"It's another part of the Before the BAU file…but this part says…College and…"
"College and…and what?" Mattie asks.
"It just trails off." I reply.
"Okay…color me intrigued…I didn't hear too much about that time in your life…I only heard bits and pieces now and then. So open it up and tell me more about that time in your life." Mattie states.
I watch as Garcia slowly walks back towards the waiting room, having just handed me a stack of photographs and other information that she located and triple-checked in her "hi-tech super sleuthing babies" for me to show Chance and Summer. Part of me hopes that they don't recognize any of the women in the pictures, because that would mean that Lucas was never near them and they weren't drawn into whatever game he was playing.
The other part of me hopes they do provide some insight into who these women were, just as a way to provide answers as to how Lucas found these women and hopefully give all of us some direction and answers…and closure to this case before Emily wakes up. And I know she's going to wake up. I just want to give her some hope when she does…some good news or at least something positive out of this horrible nightmare we've all been in…especially her.
I slowly walk back over to my seat next to Emily and look up to see Chance and Summer looking at me intently…I'm assuming they are trying to determine what is going on.
"Guys…I'm hoping you can help me out with something. Chance said he recognized the photo that my team was showing your grandparents. It was one of the pictures from where you and your mom were at earlier." I say…glancing at Summer.
Chance immediately responds "If it's something that will help mom, then absolutely. What do you need?"
"There were more pictures there. I know it's a long shot that you'd recognize any of the other people from the pictures…but I was hoping that the two of you could look at the pictures and tell me if you recognize any of the other people." I cautiously ask.
"You really think we'd know any of them?" Summer asks.
"Probably not. But since Chance recognized Lauren…we're just making sure that you guys don't recognize anyone else. My team is showing the pictures to your grandparents. Just in case they might recognize them too." I reply.
"You think they have some connection to mom…don't you?" Chance asks.
"Honestly…we're not sure. That's what we're trying to find out. Can you just look over the pictures…tell me if you recognize any of them?" I ask…handing the pictures to Chance.
"Yeah…like I said before…anything we can do to help mom…we'll do." Chance replies as he looks to Summer…watching as she nods her head…affirming her response as well.
I sit back…glancing between the machines monitoring Emily…seeing they're all still showing she's still stable…Emily…my love…still unmoving but alive…and her children…determined to try and help her in any way they can.
I've given them something else to focus on for the moment…a task that has taken their mind off of the mind-numbing stillness that had overtaken the room. The steady rhythm that had enveloped the room just moments before…the beeping of a couple of the machines…the whoosh of a couple of others….the dripping of IV bags…the faint hum of the overhead lights…and distant sounds of nearby patients and doctors talking and the occasional heart-stopping alarms that ring out signaling some nearby patient is in life-threatening distress…'a code blue'…and medical staff racing to save them. Those last sounds are always followed by my silent prayers that they weren't connected, in any way, to Emily…and that she's still stable…and will hopefully remain that way and return to all of us very soon.
I slowly take Emily's hand in mine once more…and as I do…I catch a glimpse once again of one of the scars I had seen just hours earlier…though now it seems as if that happened weeks ago. The scar I noticed was one of the many I saw hours earlier…one that left me concerned about her…one that was on her wrist. I wonder to myself what happened to her…and when. Did she do that to herself…and did she really mean it when she told me she sometimes wished she were dead? After everything that's happened now…will she have the strength and willpower to fight her way back to me again? I slowly trace my thumb across that scar before placing a soft kiss there and squeezing her hand…sending a silent prayer up to whomever might be listening.
"Please keep her safe…and give her the strength to find her way back to me."
I need her too much to lose her now…and glancing up at her kids right now…I can see how much they need her in their lives too. As I'm watching them look over the different pictures…I can tell that they don't recognize the women in some of the pictures. But…when they see some of the other pictures…their expression changes and they whisper back and forth to each other…as if they are trying to figure something out. I finally ask them if they've recognized any of the women…once they reach the end of the stack of photos.
Chance answers for both of them. "Yeah…we know a few of them…and a couple of them looked a little familiar…but we can't really remember where we recognized them from."
I'm a little taken back by this admission, but not completely surprised. Part of me had hoped they wouldn't recognize them…for their own safety and to keep them out of this whole mess…as much as possible. The other part of me is somewhat relieved to know that at least there is some connection that my team can start to work with now…to see if we can find a pattern or something.
I start to go over each of the pictures in more detail with them…to figure out which of the women they knew and from when and where they knew them. I also ask which ones looked familiar and give them the extra information Garcia provided me. My hope is that this extra information may help narrow down why they might look familiar or where they may recognize them from.
Once I have this sorted out with the two of them…I will give all of this new information to Garcia and the rest of the team to compare with what they have found out from Emily's parents and see if we can go from there. Hopefully, we'll have some answers soon.
According to the doctor, Emily should be waking up before too much longer…if she can remain stable. When…not if…she wakes up…I want to have all of the information possible about those pictures in case she asks me about them. I don't want her to think I'm hiding anything from her. I need to be able to help her and she needs to know that I won't lie to her…I won't run away…and I'll be here for her no matter what happened in the past or what the future brings.