A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments. My muse and I both appreciate it.
This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.
Remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"On the unconscious level, touch seems to impart a subliminal sense of caring and connection." ~ Leonard Mlodinow
"One of the things your unconscious mind does for you - and it's a great gift - is it gives you extra courage to view the outer world and it does that by giving you an extra-special view of yourself." ~ Leonard Mlodinow
Chapter 44
I watch closely as Reid stares up at the monitors and back down again at Emily, something he's done repeatedly over the past few minutes.
Finally, I can't help but ask him "Spence? What's wrong?"
"I think she may be waking up. Her heart rate is increasing…so are her respirations…and her pulse is much faster. Her blood pressure and pulse oximetry are better than when I came in earlier too." Reid explains.
"Should we call for Dr. Hayes?" Summer anxiously asks.
"She said she'd be back here in a little bit…I'm sure she'd be fine if we called her to come back now." I add.
"Maybe. She could just be in a heightened dream state…but these are also classic signs of a patient waking up from anesthesia." Reid answers.
Not waiting for any further discussion, Chance presses the call button on Emily's bed and when the nurse comes on the speaker, he requests that Dr. Hayes come in as soon as possible.
Within a few minutes, Dr. Hayes arrives.
"What's going on? Is she awake?" Dr. Hayes asks.
"Not yet…but my friend thinks she's starting to wake up." I explain and start to introduce Dr. Hayes to Reid, but am surprised to find out they've been talking enough for her to realize he is not only a fellow agent, but a doctor too.
"Agent…sorry…Dr. Reid? Why do you think she's waking up?" Dr. Hayes asks.
"She's displaying all of the classic signs. See for yourself." Reid replies as he motions towards the monitors.
"Her vital signs do show signs of improvement. Though those could be indicators of other things, which I'm sure you're well aware of. How long has this improvement been occurring…approximately?" Dr. Hayes asks.
"Twelve minutes and 48 seconds." Reid replies.
"Ooookkkayy…." Dr. Hayes slightly startled reply.
I assume she wasn't expecting such a specific response.
"He's very detail oriented" I explain.
"I see that. Well, in that amount of time, I'd say that's definitely a good sign. Let me check a few more things and see what they show and we'll go from there." Dr. Hayes replies, pulling out a pen light to shine in Emily's eyes.
God…please let Spence be right about this…let her wake up…and be the same person she was before this horrible nightmare started.
"Please wake up Em…come back to me." I whisper in her ear just before the doctor takes over her tests.
I hope I made the right choice. A big part of me wanted to go with Matthew…but I didn't want to leave anything unsaid between me and JJ…or leave my kids with any doubt about how I feel about them.
Plus…since I don't remember exactly what happened or how I ended up stuck in my own head…I don't want to take the risk that JJ, my kids, or anyone else might feel guilty about what happened to me. Guilt can eat away at you and I just couldn't risk that happening to one of them.
I know the chances of a happy future with JJ are slim to none…but ensuring that my kids have everything they need for their future is something that I can ensure. I also need them to know that I love them and they'll be fine with or without me. The rest of my family…even my parents…will always protect them and help them…even when they didn't always do that for me.
The problem is that I have no idea what I'm returning to…what I'll be like…what condition I'll be in. Hopefully, I just have another concussion or something like that…but I doubt I would've hidden away in my head if that were all it was. I know Matthew said the key to finding my way out of these catacombs in my head was to open up to JJ…but that's going to be easier said than done. Part of me wants to do that…but part of me is terrified to show her what a train wreck my life really is or to let her close enough to see the carnage inside of me.
Being the kind-hearted person she is…whether she really was in love with me or not…she might try to stay with me out of obligation or something…and that I will not allow. I won't drag her down with me. If I think she's staying around me out of pity or obligation, or even worse…guilt, I'll put a stop to that before it gets too far. I won't be pitied or be some charity case.
If I think she might actually love me…then I'll see if I think we might actually have a chance at a future. Though a future with her is highly doubtful given my past and all of my baggage. Not to mention whatever my current condition is probably won't be very conducive to being pleasant to be around or even talkative for that matter.
My go-to defensive mechanism has always been to stay silent…build up my walls…and compartmentalize everything. Showing no emotion is the only way I know how to deal with anything negative. That or cutting and I doubt I can do that in a hospital…at least not in a way that I could hide it. I was raised to keep my emotions to myself. Never let anyone see you're weak. I don't know how else to be. While I have many skills, none of them are based in emotions…at least not my own emotions.
"I thought Matthew said I just had to open my eyes and look for JJ…but all I see are dusty hallways that seem to go around in circles…and I haven't heard JJ once since I've been out here. I haven't heard anyone and Matthew isn't around to ask what I need to do now either. Now what?" I ask out loud to myself.
Traveling around these dark, creepy halls without finding any exits has my nerves on edge. What happens if I can't find my way out of here? Do I just wander around indefinitely?
Just as I'm beginning to lose hope of finding my way out…I hear a voice. It's almost a whisper…but I still hear it.
It's JJ. "Please wake up Em…come back to me."
Just as I start making my way towards the sound of her voice…I see a bright light shining down one of the halls. I start to follow the light and it leads me towards a new hall. Though I swear I just came down this hall a few minutes ago…this leads me in a new direction. The light seems to be getting brighter the further down the hall I travel and soon I feel as though I'm either floating or flying towards that bright light.
The next thing I know I feel as though I laying in a bed…though my eyes are closed. I feel like I'm being weighed down by something heavy and I find it difficult to move anything at all. I smell a strong disinfectant and know immediately that means I'm in a hospital. I can hear the various monitors beeping and whooshing around me and I struggle to open my eyes…but the effort seems too much right now so I just lay back and listen for a minute.
"I think you may be right, Dr. Reid. I think she may wake up soon. The tests I just ran look very positive. Just keep a close eye on her and let me know the minute she wakes up. When she does…I'll need to run some additional tests. In the meantime…we just need to give her a little more time to fully wake up." Dr. Hayes states.
"How much time?" JJ replies.
"Shouldn't be long now. I won't be far. I just have a couple of other patients I need to check on. Just push the button there on the bed, like you did earlier…and I'll be right back in." Dr. Hayes replies.
"So…she's going to be okay then?" Summer asks.
"We'll know more once she wakes up." Dr. Hayes replies.
"But you said all of her vital signs look good, right?" Chance asks.
"Yeah. Everything looks promising so far." Dr. Hayes answers.
Why are the four of them here together? I expected someone from my team might be here. I assumed it would be JJ if anyone was here since I heard her talking. But not Reid…and definitely not my kids. Why are Chance and Summer here at all? How did Reid and JJ find out about them? How long have I been asleep that they'd all have time to get here?
What exactly happened and why would Chance and Summer be out in public…it's not safe. They both know better than to show up where someone could see them…especially someone from my team that would start asking questions.
I can vaguely remember something about Lucas and Summer…but I can't seem to put all of the pieces together yet.
Everything is such a blur right now. The longer I'm away from that room with Matthew…the more I forget about what happened and what we talked about.
And why do I feel like I've been run over by a bus? Was I in some kind of accident?
I've been shot and it didn't feel like this. The stake Ian used felt similar…but not exactly the same.
I'm guessing my face has some damage too…judging by how that feels. That might explain why I can't open my eyes right now.
Plus…I think I've got some kind of breathing tube thing in my mouth…just great. Probably have some broken ribs or lung damage or something. Unless they take that out…I won't be able to talk or ask questions. So unless I can figure out a way to open my eyes…to let someone know I'm actually awake…they'll still think I'm asleep.
With what feels like a herculean effort, I'm finally able to begin to open my eyes. However, the light in the room is too bright and I quickly close them. I guess Reid must've noticed my pitiful effort though as he immediately speaks up.
"Em…can you hear me? Try to open your eyes again. I know it's hard…but just try…please?"
"She opened her eyes?" Chance asks.
"Yeah…but it was really quick." Reid replies.
"Maybe the light bothered her…try shutting off some of the lights." I hear JJ suggest.
She's had some concussions too…she knows what it's like to be blinded by bright lights when you first wake up.
"Yeah…no problem. Okay mom…we've turned the lights down. Can you try to open your eyes again…please?" Summer pleads.
I try once more…though the effort to just open my eyes seems to be draining nearly all of my energy. I finally manage to open them…blinking several times to adjust my vision in an effort to see what's around me. When my vision finally clears enough…I see four faces staring intently back at me.
They all have a mix of fear, relief, and hope written across them. Then I see the bright blue eyes of JJ…slightly dulled in comparison to what I normally see when I look in her eyes…but still just as beautiful.
She notices me looking at her and tears spring to her eyes. I'm guessing it's mainly from relief that I'm awake…but there is something else just below the surface that I can't quite identify.
"Oh thank God…you came back to us…we were all so worried Em…" She states…tears threatening to spill down her cheeks as she grasps my hand.
"I pushed the button to call for Dr. Hayes." Chance states and when the nurse comes over the intercom, he relays the message that I'm awake.
I glance over to Chance and then to Summer before noticing Reid standing off to the side of the bed.
"How are you feeling mom?" Summer asks.
"She won't be able to answer you right now Summer. The breathing tube she has will prevent her from being able to talk right now." Reid explains.
"Oh…well can you at least squeeze my hand or blink or something so we know you can hear us and that you're okay." Summer replies.
I try to squeeze her hand with my right hand, only to realize that it's constrained by what I assume is a cast. It must be broken or injured in some way, since I'm not able to move it.
I try again with the left, which is the one that JJ is currently holding, but with all of the wires and tubes, moving that hand is difficult too. I do manage to move it slightly, though I think it's more of a twitch than anything else. I just don't have the energy to really squeeze that hand either right now.
I see JJ light up as she relays to everyone else that I moved my hand.
Just then…I hear the door to the room open and a doctor walk in and smile at me.
"Nice to see that you're awake…I'm Dr. Hayes. If you don't mind, I'd like to run a few tests on you and see how you're doing. Maybe we can see about getting that breathing tube removed so you can start talking with your friends and family here. Let me just talk with them for a minute and then we can start those tests. I'm sure you're anxious to be able to talk with all of them." Dr. Hayes smiles as she moves towards everyone else in the room.
She seems nice…and she's very pretty. I'd be surprised if Morgan hasn't hit on her by now. She seems like she'd be his type…though I think Garcia is still holding out hope the two of them will eventually get together.
"If you all don't mind giving me a few minutes alone with my patient. I'd like to run a few more tests. If you would wait outside…I can come and get you once I'm done here." Dr. Hayes asks.
I see JJ start to interrupt, but Dr. Hayes beats her to it. "I know you all would prefer to stay here…but it really would be for the best for me to be able to run these tests with just her. I'll let you know if I have any questions or if we run into any issues where I need one of you to assist me for any reason…okay?"
"If you're sure it's for the best…and if you promise to come and get us the moment you're done…I guess." Chance replies.
I lean over and give Emily a kiss on the cheek as I turn to exit the room. Before I leave, I whisper to her that I love her and notice a brief flash of confusion cross her face. She quickly recovers and offers a brief smile to me in return…as much as she can given the breathing tube she has.
God…I hope she hasn't forgotten what we've talked about the past few days.
As I make my way to the small waiting room just across the hall from her room, I can't help but worry about the look of confusion that I saw cross her face when I told her I loved her.
Why would she be confused about that unless she's forgotten about our recent conversations?