A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.
This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"One of the strangest aspects of living with certain kinds of memory loss is knowing that the forgetting is happening." ~ Floyd Skloot
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." ~ Paulo Coelho
Chapter 46
I continue pacing back and forth in the hall and the minutes tick by. The longer the doctor is in with Emily without updating us…the more nervous I'm getting. What if something was wrong that I didn't notice?
I realized after we all left that she didn't really look at me except when she gave me that look of confusion right before we all left.
I know Reid said she wouldn't be able to talk because of the tube in her throat. But what if she still doesn't talk even after they take that out? She wasn't talking when she came in.
Whatever Lucas did to her caused her to hide inside of herself so far…I thought she might never come back. What if she's still hiding?
"What's taking so long?" Summer asks.
"Dr. Hayes just needed to run a few tests on your mom sweetie. Hopefully it won't be much longer." I reply.
God…I really hope it won't be much longer. I don't know how much longer I can wait.
"You're nervous too…aren't you?" Summer asks me.
"I just want your mom to be okay sweetie…and I've really missed being able to see her and talk to her…that's all." I reply.
"Are you sure that's all there is to it?" Chance asks.
"It's just that your mom was a little quiet when they brought her in here. I just want to make sure she's okay. They thought it might have been because of that bump on her head…but until they ran some tests…they weren't going to know for sure. I'll feel a lot better once Dr. Hayes comes back out here and gives us an update." I explain.
Hopefully…I didn't worry them too much. But he was starting to pick up on my anxiety and he knew I was leaving something out of my earlier explanation.
He starts to ask another question but the door to Emily's room opens and Dr. Hayes comes out. We all rush over to her to ask her for an update and just as before…she holds her hand up anticipating the questions.
"I was able to remove her breathing tube and replace it with a nasal cannula, which will provide her with the oxygen she'll need to breathe for now, but still allow her to talk to all of you. For the time being though…you will all need to keep your conversations short because talking seems to be quite difficult for her. That's probably due to the breathing tube she had and her other injuries making breathing more difficult." Dr. Hayes starts.
"I was able to confirm some information with her…so her long-term memory seems okay. But…her more recent memories seem to be a little less certain. At this point…from what I can gather…she seems to be missing the last several days. Hopefully…with some time and rest…those memories will return as well. Given that she just woke up, it's not altogether unsurprising that she's got some memory lapses."
I interrupt Dr. Hayes and ask "So…you're saying she doesn't remember anything that happened over the last several days?"
"No…right now the last clear memory she has is from sometime last week. Although she seems to be getting flashes of events from more recent days though. I'm hopeful that over the next few hours and days that the rest of her memory will return."
"So she has no idea what happened to her?" Summer asks.
"No…but she did ask what her injuries were and I provided her with that information. I asked her if she wanted to wait until all of you were in with her to go over those details, but she wanted to review that information privately with me. She also asked that going forward, I not release any medical information with any of you unless I clear it with her first. As she is my patient, her confidentiality is my priority. You are welcome to try and change her mind as support from her family and friends is important. But I have to respect my patient's request regarding any private medical information. I do hope you understand." Dr. Hayes finishes…a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Of course we will. She shouldn't be trying to do this on her own. Can we go back in and see her now?" Chance asks.
"Actually…she requested that only you and Summer return for now." Dr. Hayes replies…sadness again tinting her voice.
"What? Why?" I ask…shocked that the doctor is telling me I can't go back in to see Emily right now.
"I'm sorry JJ…I really am….but I don't know. She didn't say what the reason was. She said that she just wanted to see her kids right now. So if you will please respect her request for now. I'm sure once she sees her kids…they'll come and get you in a few minutes and you'll be able to see her then. If you'll excuse me…I need to go order a couple of tests for Emily. I'll need to take her downstairs to run those in about an hour. I'll be back up to get her in a little while for those tests." Dr. Hayes finishes…gently squeezing my arm as she turns to walk down the hall.
Chance turns to me and asks "Why wouldn't mom want to see you? Unless she's starting to put up her famous walls again."
"I'm not sure…I really hope that's not it. If you think that's what's going on…come and get me and I'll try and talk to her…stop her from putting those walls up before it's too late. The only other thing I can think of is that she's trying to figure out why you two are here and how it is Reid and I know about both of you. Plus…a lot has changed for your mom and me in the last couple of days. If she's forgotten about that…God…things will be a lot more complicated. Just be careful what you tell her about what happened and how she ended up here. Lucas completely terrorized her right before she got hurt and ended up here. If she starts to remember all of that…she could shut us all out." I finish.
If she's forgotten about the last few days…then she's forgotten that I'm not with Will…that I know about her self-injury…that Lucas kidnapped Summer and that I know about Summer and Chance…and what Lucas did to her.
I'd say that forgetting what Lucas did to her was a good thing. But if she remembers it now…that may throw her back into the state she was in when I walked into that room and found her…completely unresponsive. God…just don't let that happen again.
"What exactly did he do to her?" Chance asks…his voice not quite masking his fear.
"Honestly…I don't know. None of us really knows everything that happened. From what I saw…he was playing mind games with her. But then there was a small amount of time that none of us could see what was happening. That's when your mom got hurt. None of us saw what happened then because they were in a different room. So we really have no idea what he did to her or how she got hurt. I just don't want to trigger some memory that will cause her to shut down or shut us all out. And I really need to talk to her and remind her what happened between us the last few days…otherwise…she won't understand what's going on or why I'm here. And…I really need to see her. So…do whatever you can to make sure she doesn't shut me out….please." I finish…pleading with both of them.
"We can tell how much you love our mom JJ…whether she remembers it right now or not. We'll talk to her and see what's going on and then let you in as soon as we can…promise." Summer replies.
I watch as Summer and Chance open the door and walk in to Emily's room…and pray they can get through to her and that I can get in to see her before the doctor comes back to take her down for those tests.
I watch as the door closes and feel Reid take my hand. He quietly states "she'll be okay JJ…you both will."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I'm a genius…remember?" Reid replies…almost jokingly…causing me to smile briefly. "Why didn't you tell them about her mental state when she was brought in?"
Momentarily caught off guard by his question…I ask "What do you mean?"
"I heard one of the paramedics talking in the hall. I know she was in a catatonic state when they brought her in. Why didn't you mention it to them? Or anyone else?" Reid questions.
I know he is wondering why I didn't say anything to him too. But given her other injuries…and what may have led to her "mental state"…I really didn't know what to say.
Besides…I had really hoped It wouldn't last.
"Honestly…I had hoped it wasn't anything to be concerned about…that she'd be fine when she woke up. Besides…I didn't want to worry anyone else. Morgan and I were the only ones that knew and that was only because we were right there with her when the paramedics showed up. Otherwise…we wouldn't have known about it either." I answer…leaving out some of her more "personal" injuries that could be the reason for her previous catatonic state.
I figure that if and when Emily wants someone else to know about those…she can decide that. I shouldn't be the one to make that decision…especially given what Dr. Hayes just said about keeping Emily's medical information private.
"Well…given her previous mental state and her current short-term memory loss…she could be suffering from a form of PTSD or even a mild form of a dissociate state brought on by a severe trauma. Depending on what occurred during her time with Lucas…especially given none of you witnessed what actually occurred…we all need to be cognizant of any signs that she might be suffering from that. Given her proclivity of putting up walls and shutting people out…it will be more difficult to discern her true mental state…but you seem to be able to distinguish her true feelings better than most of us. Just keep an eye on her…okay?"
"Of course I will…there is no place else I would be right now. I know you're worried about her too…so I hope you will help me keep an eye out for anything I might miss." I reply.
"She means a lot to me. She's always tried to look out for me and protect me…even if I didn't always realize it…so of course I will do that for her. I assume Will and Ashley will continue watching Henry for you while you are staying here?"
"How…how did you know about…" I start to ask…but Reid interrupts.
"I may seem awkward and socially inept…but I really do listen and I notice a lot of things. I know you and Will haven't been together for a long time…that he's been seeing Ashley for quite a while. I also know that you love Emily as much as she loves you...and it's probably been that way since you first met each other. Why you two haven't gotten together yet is beyond my wealth of knowledge. I also know that Morgan and Garcia are together and have been for a while…at least since her brief attempt at a relationship with Kevin…but for some reason feel the need to hide it from everyone else." Reid finishes with a crooked smile.
"Good grief…how in the world did you know all of that and keep it to yourself? And how is it that we all thought it was Garcia that was the Knower of all things Unknowable?" I ask…unable to contain my shock at the vast number of secrets that Reid seems to have known but not shared until now.
"Ohhh…Garcia probably knows a lot of secrets too…maybe even more than me…or at least different ones than me. It's just people tend to ignore me or think that I'm not paying attention because I'm reading a book or something. When you get ignored as much as I do…people tend to share secrets around you without even realizing it. My eidetic memory allows me to remember all of them." Reid offers a sad smile back at me.
"I'm sorry if I was one of those people that ignored you Reid. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Emily and me. It was just really…really complicated. It still is." I offer an apology…not knowing if he was referring to me when he said people ignored him. And for not telling him about Emily and me…though I would've had no idea where to start with that conversation.
"You and Emily weren't typically the ones that ignored me…though it would happen once in a while. Everyone does it once in a while. I've just gotten used to it. As for telling me about you and Emily…no need. I knew we didn't stand a chance from the moment you invited Garcia along on our pseudo-date. Gideon had thought it was a good idea since he knew I had a huge crush on you. But when Garcia showed up…I knew you didn't feel the same way about me. Then I saw the way you looked at Emily when she first started at the BAU and realized that it wasn't just because of who I was…which I'm sure didn't help…but because I was probably the wrong gender too." Reid finishes…blushing slightly with his explanation.
"What do you mean the way I looked at Emily when she started at the BAU? I didn't even realize I liked her back then. And as for bringing Garcia along with me that night…I didn't realize you thought it was a date…so I am so…so…sorry about that. I thought you just wanted to get together as friends. I didn't realize until later you thought it was a date. I felt horrible about that…still do. I really do care about you Spence. Please never doubt that." I reply.
God…I feel like such an ass right now. He had such a huge crush on me and I knew that…I just never realized at the time he thought we were going on a date. Asking Garcia just seemed like a good idea at the time since we were all friends.
As for how I looked at Emily when she first started and him thinking I wasn't interested in him because he was the wrong gender…did he really notice something back then that even I didn't notice?
"When Emily first started…you tended to stare at her…a lot. At first I thought you were just trying to kind of profile her…but then I noticed it was something different. You were watching her the same way Morgan watches women when we go to bars. Then you started flirting with her. I think you thought you were being subtle about it…but everyone on the team started to notice." Reid starts his explanation.
"Hotch and Rossi tried to ignore it. Morgan and Garcia thought it was funny that neither of you would acknowledge it…even though you were both doing it…though you were doing it more often than her. And of course…no one realized that I noticed what was going on too. At one point…even Strauss noticed the two of you flirting. But after a meeting with Hotch and then Emily…she acted like she didn't know about it either. I'm not sure what happened in either of those meetings…but after that…she left us all alone." Spencer finishes.
I gasp slightly as he finishes. Was I really outwardly flirting with Emily? And everyone on the team noticed including Strauss? Good lord…how could I have been doing that without even realizing it? I knew I was always drawn to Emily…but to unconsciously flirt with her.
I mean I knew we were always just sort of around each other and were close most of the time. Unless Emily was avoiding me…like those times after I did something stupid or I'd run away or hurt her and she'd put up her walls or shut me out. When that happened she'd barely even look at me. Other times…I guess we were close. I just thought everyone would think it was because we were friends…not something else.
I guess I never realized that either one of us were being obvious enough that others would pick up on it. Guess that's what happens when you work with a bunch of profilers. And I wonder what happened during that meeting between Emily and Strauss? Hopefully that isn't one of the things that she's forgotten about…because I'd really like to know what happened.
For now though…I hope everything is going okay with her and her kids…and that they are getting through to her without pushing her too far.
All I know is that I really need to see for myself that she's okay. I need to talk to her and tell her that I love her and not see confusion cross her face when I say it. Hopefully I'll hear her say it back to me.
Whatever happens though…I'm still not giving up on her or us. I promised her I wasn't running away from her this time and whether she remembers me saying it or not…I meant it. And I still do.