A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is briefly mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.

This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." ~ David Hume

"Everything is beautiful, all that matters is to be able to interpret." ~ Camille Pissarro

Chapter 48

It'll take time to heal. I know Summer just told me that because she was trying to make me feel better about how I look right now. Besides…being my daughter…she's always been a little biased when it comes to me anyways. Over the years…the various people that have paid me compliments…I've just attributed them to being either biased or trying to be polite.

I guess it's like those times when people see a new baby and say how cute it is…despite how it really looks. Granted…most babies are cute…but I've definitely seen some that aren't and the polite response is still the same regardless…"how adorable…or "what a cute baby".

That being said…I'm no longer a baby…obviously…and that polite response is no longer appropriate or necessary and I'm quite realistic about my flaws and how I look.

At this point, I've become accustomed to avoiding mirrors entirely if possible or just glancing at them if I have to…but my kids still feel the need to try and make me feel better. I guess they feel like that's part of their job.

It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture…because I do.

But lying doesn't do anyone any good. Odd thought coming from me I realize. Especially considering I've turned lying into an art form…but I guess for now I'll just go along with it.

I even manage to school my features and stifle the gasp that had threatened to escape my lips when I first saw my reflection.

I hid my shock about just how awful I actually looked in one of my compartments…before finally calmly replying "I know. But the doctor told me what day it was. They'll be expecting to hear from me in the next few days. Since I obviously can't visit them right now or do a video call either, I'll just have to tell them that the camera on my phone is broken or something and that should buy me some time. In the meantime…I've pre-recorded some videos that I can send them over the next week or so. Hopefully by then, I will have healed enough to be able to do a video call. Just make sure that they get the gifts I pre-ordered for them before next weekend…please." I ask.

I can't believe I won't be able to see them on their birthday…even on a video call. Like I didn't feel bad enough as it is right now. At least I planned ahead and pre-ordered gifts for them so that part was taken care of…but I still feel horrible that I won't be able to at least see them.

But doing one thing right doesn't make up for messing everything else up. Fix one thing…break two or three. Yep…my typical pattern. Can't say I'm surprised…must be genetically encoded into my DNA that I was destined to be a complete fuck-up when it came to this kind of thing.

I had planned on taking them both out for the day if I was in town. Looks like I'm in town now…but I'm definitely not in any shape to take them anywhere. Maybe I can get Chance or Summer to take them out instead. I'll just ask them if they can later though. They're always stepping up or filling in for me…not that it's their job to do that.

Chance and Summer turned out to be amazing kids…people…despite my not being there when they really needed me. I'm still surprised they haven't washed their hands of me by now…like I basically did with my parents.

Speaking of…I hope I don't have to deal with them anytime soon. I really don't have the energy for either one of them right now.

Chance seems to recognize that I've gotten lost in thought again.

"Are you ok?"

I just nod slightly so I don't make my headache any worse and try to refocus on what we were talking about before. Oh right…the presents I had pre-ordered.

"As for the gifts…of course we can pick them up. Where are they at?" Chance asks.

"Oh…uh…they're being delivered to my PO Box. If they aren't there now…they should be in the next day or two. The key for the box was with my other keys and my phone. That reminds me…can you find my phone for me so I can send them and Mattie a text? That way they won't worry as much and I can at least talk to them a little bit." I ask.

"Sure…we just need to find out where your keys and phone are. JJ may have them or if she doesn't…she probably knows where to find them." Summer answers. "So…can we let her in now?"

"She doesn't know about them too…does she?" I ask.

"Kasey and Logan?" Summer asks.

"Yeah. I mean…she obviously knows a lot that I can't remember right now or found out while I was here. Given all the people you said were here. I just wasn't sure if she knew about Auggie and Elena…or the two of them…or who else she may know about that I just don't remember right now." I reply.

"Unless you told her…she doesn't know about anyone else but the people that are here right now…except Mattie…even though she was calling him Declan." Summer answers.

"Okay. I just wasn't sure."

"You know everyone else will eventually want to see you…so you really should tell her about everyone else…before someone else says something accidently…thinking she already knows." Summer replies.

"I don't know…maybe. What if…"

"No what if's…everyone is safe now…and I think she'd understand that you were just trying to protect everyone. Besides…she loves you…even if you don't remember that right now. And it also sounds like you're stalling now…or am I wrong?" Chance replies.

"Maybe I am" I concede.

"Thought so. So…can we go just go ahead and let her in?" Chance asks.

"Yeah…I guess." I quietly reply.

I still don't know what to say to JJ or how to react to her. I know she knows about my injuries and part of me is horrified by that. I just know that I am so completely conflicted right now.

Part of me wonders what happened in the last few days that would've changed things as dramatically as they seem to think it did between the two of us. It's not that I didn't love JJ before whatever it was happened…because I did. I just knew…I always knew…I was never good enough for her. She deserved better than a shell of a person…which is all I've been since I've been back. Well…even before that if I'm being honest.

Part of me hopes JJ really does love me…but that part me is being selfish…knowing she'd be so much better off with anyone but me. The biggest part of me knows that I was broken before whatever happened that landed me here…and I don't want to pull her down with me or worse…to look in her eyes and see pity.

How could JJ possible look at me and not be disgusted or horrified…especially considering that's how I feel about myself. My kids were being nice…and JJ probably just feels guilty. They said she was the first one there. If she's just staying here out of guilt because she saw what happened or thought she could've helped more or something…then that's the wrong reason for her to be here. Though at this point…I really have no idea why else she would be here.

Guess I'm about to find out though.

I watch as Summer walks over to the door, opens it, and talks to JJ and Reid. Hopefully she's asking JJ where my phone and keys are since I really need to find them. I really need to call, or at least text, everyone so they won't worry about me or show up here and so they can get into my PO Box and get those gifts for Kasey and Logan.

I notice that Reid stayed behind in the hall as JJ cautiously started making her way into my room. I watch as she slowly walks over to the side of the bed and looks down at me carefully.

I hear Chance state "We'll leave you two alone for a little while. Just come and get us when you're done talking" before walking out of the room with Summer following quickly behind him.

JJ cautiously takes my hand in hers…squeezing it gently…before sitting down next to me. She looks like she wants to ask me something but is scared to, so I decide to start instead.

"I'm not sure how you can even look at me right now…I look like death warmed over." I state the obvious.

"No you don't. You're beautiful." JJ argues.

"Chance said you didn't get hurt with whatever landed me here…but now I'm not so sure. Maybe they should check you for a head injury…your vision is clearly way off." I retort.

"My vision is fine, Em. I'll always think you're beautiful." JJ quietly replies.

No sure how to respond to that…I decide deflection is probably a good idea for now.

"So…you're not with Will, right?"

I can tell I caught her off guard with my question…but she answers it anyway.

"Yeah…did you remember me telling you that or did your kids fill you in?" JJ quietly asks.

"Summer told me…but then I started to remember part of our conversation." I answer.

"Did you remember anything else?" JJ tentatively asks.

"Not yet. So what happened…between us I mean?"

"We decided to give us a chance at a fresh start." JJ replies.

"What do you mean…us?" I reply…slightly confused at her choice of wording.

"I mean…we were going to try being in an actual relationship with each other. You decided to give me another chance to prove that I wouldn't run away again or screw up and hurt you. After our last case I went back to your place with you and we had a long talk…and I ended up staying all night. I mean nothing happened except we talked and fell asleep…but still. I was finally able to prove to you that I wouldn't run away from you like I always did before." JJ starts.

Well…that would be something new. She'd always run away in the middle of the night before. Too bad I can't remember anything about the night she's talking about. I can't remember what we supposedly talked about…what we did…or if she really did stay the entire night and was really there the next morning. Leave it to me to forget the one time she supposedly finally decided to stay. Figures…just my luck.

"The next morning is when everything went to hell and you got hurt. Before that it seemed like everything was turning around…we were finally getting our chance at a real relationship. At least we were up until you got hurt and forgot everything we talked about." JJ continues.

I start to ask her what it was we talked about…hoping to jog some of my memories. But she interrupts…as if she's scared I don't believe her.

She finishes by saying "I just hope that if you don't remember anything else…you'll at least remember that I have always loved you. And that no matter what happened before…what happened over the past few days…or what the future holds…I'm never giving up on us. I love you Emily. I always have and I always will. I just hope that you'll eventually remember feeling the same way about me too." JJ quietly replies as she looks at me…waiting for me to respond.

I'm just about to when I hear a quiet knock on the door and look over to see Dr. Hayes enter. "Sorry to interrupt, but I really need to take Emily down for those tests now. We shouldn't be long." She continues as she makes her way over towards the bed.

I can see the disappointment in JJ's face. I know she was hoping to have more time to talk…but in all honesty…I need a little more time to process what she just said to me and hopefully remember a little more about what happened.

She seems sincere with what she's saying right now. Unfortunately…I've been hurt so many times in the past by her…and so many other people…putting my trust in anyone right now just seems too risky.

All I know is that I need more time. I have too many thoughts swirling around in my head and too many things that I just can't remember right now. What was it exactly that landed me in here? Do I really want to risk my heart getting broken again if I attempt any kind of relationship with JJ? Am I worth the risk or would JJ be better off with someone…anyone else but me?

"Are you ready Emily?" I hear Dr. Hayes ask softly.

I nod in response as I glance over to JJ…still anxiously waiting for me to respond to her declaration of love and the unanswered question about how I feel about her right now.

I don't say anything…since I can't seem to find the right words right now. However I do offer a small nod and small smile in response to her.

For now…that's the best I can do.

I watch as relief crosses her face. I suppose she was expecting me to shut her out…my normal go-to response. We were normally friends at least…if nothing else. I want to try to maintain that level of a relationship with her as much as possible…for as long as I can…even if I can't offer anything else.

Maybe in time…some of my memories will return or I'll be able to at least sort out what I should do…what's best for everyone.