A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.

This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Assuming the worst in a person hurts them. Assuming the best in a person disappoints you. Assuming nothing allows you boththe ability to see the truth." ~ Doe Zantamata

"As you think, so you become...Our busy minds are forever jumping to conclusions, manufacturing and interpreting signs that aren't there." ~ Epictetus `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Chapter 52

I open my eyes and the bright lights again seem to blind me…so I blink a few times to adjust to the annoyingly intense lights that seem to be penetrating directly into my skull. I realize I must've fallen asleep shortly after Dr. Hayes took me down for the tests she wanted to run…and based on what I can see now…she's not finished yet.

I hear someone… quietly clearing their throat. I think they're behind me based on where the sound is coming from. It's is very soft though…apparently in an effort not to startle me.

"Emily…I see you're awake again. Don't worry…you didn't miss much. Besides…you need your rest anyway."

It's Dr. Hayes. I try and look around but realize that from where I am, I can't really see that much. She's behind me like I originally thought, but I can't actually see her.

I am able to tell…from my unfortunately vast experience that I'm inside of an MRI machine, and I hear her say "try to stay as still as possible. We're almost done here….okay?"

I start to nod in response…but decide against it. Soon…I feel the machine move…pulling me out from my enclosure within the MRI and I see Dr. Hayes staring down at me. She starts to explain what she's doing, while unhooking the various equipment that I'd apparently had attached to me during all of my tests. Once unhooked, she asks if I'm feeling okay.

I nod in response…noticing that my throat is extremely sore and dry again.

At this point…I realize that if I try talking…I'm likely to start coughing uncontrollably. Given how my stomach, ribs, and quite frankly…my entire body feels…I really don't want to take that kind of chance.

Dr. Hayes must've noticed some hesitation in my response, and picked up on at least part of the reason, and asks if I'd like some water.

I offer a slight nod in response.

Sipping the water…slowly this time…to try and prevent myself from choking like I did earlier…I notice the water does help a little…but not as much as it did before.

"Better?"

"A little." I choke out…still hesitant to say a lot…given how sore my throat seems to have gotten between when I woke up the first time and now.

"Is your throat bothering you?"

I nod.

"You may have overdid it a bit when you were talking earlier. You may want to give your throat a chance to rest a little while before you try talking too much again…at least for tonight."

I know she's probably right…but I needed to ask Chance and Summer what was going on…where I was…and try to get as many answers as I could…while I could.

Given that I fell asleep once I left the room…I wasn't able to come to any decisions about JJ and what she asked me yet…but I guess I have some time for that. I just wish I could remember a little more about what happened.

"It'll take a little time to get the final results back on the tests we just ran…but based on what I did see…everything looks promising so far. That's not to say that everything's fine…which you obviously know. Your physical injuries will take some time to heal. But from what I can tell…they all should heal okay." Dr. Hayes finishes…looking between me and the chart she is holding.

I noticed that she specifically said my physical injuries, leaving out anything emotional or mental in nature right now. I also noticed that when she was talking…she glanced down momentarily towards the area that would be the main cause of any emotional or mental issues I might have…or that she might think I have.

It's the same location that I too have avoided trying to think about…though that's somewhat difficult given how it feels right now…the area that's still wrapped tightly between the middle of my waist and the middle of my thighs.

I may not be able to see that area, but I can definitely feel it…and now even more so than when I first woke up…I'm certain of what happened…even if I don't actually remember it.

For now though…I try to ignore the implications of what she just said and what those injuries might actually mean for me personally or emotionally and just ask "how long?"

I'm hoping she'll understand I'm trying to find out how long the injuries will take to heal so I can tell how long I'll be stuck here in the hospital.

Everyone on my team hates being in the hospital…and I'm probably the worst one of all of them …due in large part to how many times I've been stuck in them over the years.

"For your injuries to heal?"

I nod again.

"I can't say for certain. Maybe a week or two. But I'll know more, once I see how you are doing over the next few days. How you respond to the medications and antibiotics…your level of mobility…and, of course, I'd prefer you talk with one of our trauma specialists in the next day or so as well…given the circumstances."

There it is. I knew she'd reference my emotional state at some point. Given I don't remember what actually happened…talking to someone about it won't help. Besides…even if I did remember…I'm not big on sharing my feelings. Never have been…never will be.

I need to try and subtly change the subject so she won't try and discuss this issue any further right now.

"I'll recover faster at home" is my quiet response.

"I understand…and I realize that many people do recover better in their own homes. That being said though, my concern right now is to ensure that you're stable…and will be able to recover at home…with no setbacks that could endanger your health or prevent you from being able to fully recover at home. I realize you'd prefer to leave here as soon as possible. My goal is to ensure that once you leave here…you have no need to return due to any complications from leaving too soon."

I nod again.

She's right…but damn…I really hate being stuck in this hospital…or any hospital for that matter.

I watch as Dr. Hayes offers a knowing smile in return before asking "are you ready to head back to your room now?"

I just nod again.

Though I'm not sure what…or who…will be waiting for me.

If it's JJ...I have no idea what I'll say to her. I know she'll probably want to continue the conversation we started earlier…but I still don't have any answers for her right now.

If I could just remember what exactly happened that landed me here…and what it was that happened in those days that led up to that…maybe I'd be able to figure out what to say.

Right now though…it's like I'm trying to understand a book that I'm reading, but huge chunks of the book are torn out. It changes the whole context of what the book means without it and I'm not able to figure out what to do without that missing section.

Although at this point…based on how I feel and what I know probably happened…I could do without remembering all of it.

I close my eyes as Dr. Hayes wheels me back to my room. I realized fairly quickly that trying to watch what we were passing was just making me nauseous so I gave up on that pretty quickly.

Dr. Hayes stops briefly to drop something off at the nurse's station and pick up some supplies for me before making her way to the end of the hall…where my room is located.

We reach the end of the hall, and just as she stops to open my door, I look over and notice that in the room across from mine, my team seems to waiting in there for some reason…instead of the waiting room or at home where they all should be.

I can tell they're having what looks like an intense conversation…though I can't make out what they are saying. I can hear several voices…but it's too muffled to make out any of the words.

Then I notice something that catches me completely off guard. I see my parents…Chance and Summer…and Tom. They are all in the room with my team for some reason.

That's weird…I wonder why they are all in there together?

Dr. Hayes wheels me in my room, which is completely empty at the moment. I guess JJ must be in the other room too.

I'm okay with that…since I have no idea what I would've said to her right now anyway. This will give me time to figure out what to say to her…and not anyone hovering around me when I need time to think.

I notice Dr. Hayes has started unhooking the rest of the temporary equipment that I needed during my tests so she can reattach it to the main stack in my room. I guess taking me down for the tests required a "back-up" version of the oxygen, IV lines, and some of the monitors…but with newer technology, the transition between portable and more permanent systems are quicker and easier.

I assume it'll be a while before I'm able to be off of all of these things and she'll want the nurses to be able to keep tabs on my vital signs from their nursing station via their monitoring system for a while. Hopefully not too long though. Maybe I can convince them I can recover better at home…with whatever portable equipment they think I may need.

She finishes by asking if I need anything else before she leaves and I just reply with one word…"water".

She smiles and nods before turning to fill up a pitcher of water and bringing that and a cup over to me…placing them on the small bedside table and filling the cup for me. She places a straw in the cup so that I can reach the water without having to really move and points out the button to call for assistance…should I need anything. She then lets me know that she'll come back shortly to check in on me…and she'll let everyone know that she's finished with my tests.

I lean over slightly and take a small sip of water before leaning back against my pillow and closing my eyes…in an effort to block out the bright lights of the room…as well as the thoughts that have begun to swirl around in my head again.

Why are my family and Tom in with my team? Are they just there because they were taking up too much room in the normal waiting room…or is their more to it? What could they possibly be talking about?

I realize my mother met the team a few years ago…but I doubt they'd have that much to talk about.

The only other thing would be that mess with Ian that Tom helped me out with a few weeks ago…but that doesn't have anything to do with what landed me here now.

Chance and Summer mentioned he was here. I assumed he was just checking on me because of Mattie…though they never did say that specifically. They just said that Isabella called him. And they said that her and my father were here too…but that doesn't really make any sense either. Unless their guilt kicked in…or they thought mother would ship me off again like she did when I ended up in Paris…and they wouldn't get a vote in where I ended up this time.

But this time isn't like the situation with Ian. My mother wouldn't have any need to protect me from anyone or fake my death this time…so I don't understand why everyone is here or what's going on.

I know it isn't out of an abundance of love for me. Chance and Summer yes…but my parents…highly doubtful. Guilt would be a more likely explanation. But still…why not just let Chance or Summer update them instead of them all deciding they need to be here? Especially Tom.

I mean…it's not like Tom would be able to help with what happened this time…could he? I know Chance said something about Lucas having something to do with me being here….but how could Tom help out with that? Would my family or my team really think he could help what happened? Obviously he knew Lucas…but not that well. Besides…my kids said Lucas was dead…so why bother asking questions now?

What is it that I'm missing…if I could just remember what happened. Maybe if I try and go over what I do remember…picture it in my head...then I'll…

Oh God…Lauren.

I remember now…her picture was in that room…with all of those other pictures. That's why I got hurt. I was so focused on those pictures that I couldn't focus on anything else. That's why he's here…talking to them now. My team's investigating what happened to all those women. Lucas told them he killed them all because of me. They're asking my family if they know any of them.

Oh God...My parents and Tom knew Lauren…and they'll tell them all about her. I didn't really look at any of the other pictures…because once I saw hers…I couldn't focus anymore. He said he killed her too…but I thought she died years ago. Was that a lie? Or did he have something to do with her death and find a way to make it look like she killed herself?

But that doesn't make any sense either…since he was still in Rome when we found out. Did Lucas lie…or did Lauren's parents lie? If they did…that means that she was alive and well living somewhere else…while I thought she was dead. God…I'm so confused right now.

Whatever the case though…if they tell my team about Lauren…they'll start asking a lot more questions. Once they do that…they could find out about everything else…everyone else.

And JJ. God…she'll see Lauren's picture…if she hasn't already. She'll see how much she looks like Lauren.

How am I going to explain that? Or explain using her name when I went undercover? She'll know there's more to the story than it just being a coincidence. I didn't just randomly pick her name. I had my reasons.

But I can't explain to her or anyone else that it was because I felt so guilty about her death. Or I guess what I thought was her death based on what Lucas said. But at the time I thought she died because of me. Now I don't know what really happened. Either way though…at the time…I was trying to find a way to keep her alive in my mind some way…somehow.

Before I met JJ…she was the only person…besides Matthew…that I thought loved me or that I thought I could possibly ever love. But I threw that love away…and it cost Lauren her life…one way or another. After that…I knew I didn't deserve to be loved. I knew how much it hurt to love someone that deeply and then lose them. It was just never worth the risk.

It's all starting to come back to me now though…I remember what happened before I went to meet Lucas…what JJ said before was true. She did stay all night without running off…and we were going to try and start a relationship…but if she finds out everything now…it won't matter.

All of my secrets…my past…my lies...once those catch up with me…and I knew some day they would…well…I won't have to worry about her running away in the middle of the night, because she'll finally have a good enough reason to leave and never look back.

She may have told me before she wouldn't run away again…but she will now. Between what Lucas did…not just to me but to all of those poor women…and the injuries I have now that I don't want to even think about…let alone talk about. I can't expect her to deal with all of that…nor would I want her to.

Add to that the pity and sadness in her eyes when she tries to tell me that she doesn't look at me differently…as if that's even possible. Now I've given her the perfect excuse to run away…if she didn't already have enough reasons to run as far and as fast as she could from me.

I lied and now Tom and the rest of my family are confirming to her right now that I'm not good enough for her. I've lied to my team…to her…about too many things…and kept too many important things from her, for her to ever want to be around me again.

I tried to tell her that she'd be better off with anyone but me…but she wouldn't listen. Once they finish telling her everything…which I'm sure they're doing right now…since they need to know about my past if they hope to figure out who those women in the pictures are…she'll find out for herself I was right.

This is exactly why I didn't want to get too close to her…get too involved. I knew this day would come. One day my past would catch up with me and if I got too invested with her…what may have been left of my broken heart would be shattered beyond repair.

Oh God…I remember exactly what happened now…I remember Lucas telling me that my heart would be shattered beyond repair…I remember fighting with him in that room to make sure I gave the team enough time to protect JJ and Summer…the knife…those pictures…seeing Lauren…not being strong enough to fight him off…and finally giving up.

I know JJ won't be able to look at me the same way now…whether she tries to claim she can or not.

I'm just so tired of trying to protect all these secrets…mine and everyone else's.

I'll let her cry or yell or whatever she wants to do when she confronts me about all of it. I'm not going to keep anything else from her or the team now…once they find out it'll be useless to even try. I mean really…why bother?

Once she's done confronting me or whatever it is she's going to do…I'll do whatever I need to do to get out of here so I can go back home…even if I need to pretend I'm fine for everyone else's benefit.

Once I'm home…I can finally be alone…and then I can fall apart there.

Because right now…I just want to be alone. It's where I was destined to end up anyway.

And really…I'm just done with everything. I'm done trying…and honestly…I'm done making any kind of an effort at all.