A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.

A/N: This ended up being a much long chapter than I initially planned, so I ended up having to break it up into two sections/parts (to make it a little easier for everyone to read). The second part should be up soon.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.

This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes you wonder. " ~ Jim Nantz

"Dogs are wise. They crawl away into a quiet corner and lick their wounds and do not rejoin the world until they are whole once more." ~ Agatha Christie

Chapter 57

I watched for a brief moment as JJ turned to walk out the door and then I just stared straight ahead. I knew that if I looked back in her direction, she'd see the fear and uncertainty in my eyes.

I'll have a hard enough time making sure Dr. Hayes and this nurse don't see how worried I am.

The truth is that for the first time in a long time I'm actually scared. Because I literally have no control over what I'm about to see…what's hiding just below these bandages…and how that could change the rest of my life.

If I really think about it, I might just fall apart. So I'm trying desperately to block it out and not think about it.

I know JJ wanted to stay here with me…to hear what Dr. Hayes had to say…but I couldn't let her see the damage that Lucas caused. At least not until I know myself.

If it isn't that bad…then maybe I'll change my mind. But if looks as bad as it feels right now…I don't want her or anyone else to see it. Hell…I don't think I want to see it.

She says she'd be fine with it…that she doesn't care how I look and only cares that I get better. But how could that possibly be true?

I guess I'll find out how bad it is soon enough.

I hear the door close and Dr. Hayes clear her throat. I guess she was saying something to me, but I completely missed it, so I look back up at her and notice she seems to be waiting for some kind of a response.

"Sorry. Wh...what?"

"I asked if you were ready to get started?" Dr. Hayes repeats…slightly concerned.

I nod in response.

"Okay then. Well first, I just wanted to go over a few things with you. Are you sure that you didn't want JJ to stay? Or wait until your kids are here with you before we get started? I know you said before you wanted to do this on your own…but having someone here to support you can be extremely beneficial. This can be a lot to deal with all at once. There's a lot of information to absorb. Sometimes having someone else with you can be helpful…in case you miss something we say. They can even help think of questions you may not." Dr. Hayes asks.

"Not right n…now." I quietly answer.

I watch as Dr. Hayes offers a small nod and then continues. "Okay. I just wanted to make sure before we start. So first…the results from your earlier scan looked promising. There was some minor swelling, which we're addressing with some medication. We'll need to do another scan in a day or so and continue to monitor your vitals carefully. But if everything continues to progress like it has so far, you shouldn't have any permanent issues from your earlier head injury. That also means that any residual memory issues that you have should begin to resolve shortly."

I nod to acknowledge this information. I don't want Dr. Hayes to realize that I've already remembered everything, as that would just cause her to be more insistent on bringing in therapists or counselors right now…and I have no intention of talking to anyone about what I remembered…ever.

Dr. Hayes continues on "As for your temporary cast here" she calmly says as she gently picks up my right arm, "we should be able to replace this with a permanent cast tomorrow. The swelling has decreased enough to allow for us to switch this over to a permanent one. Did you have a color you would like us to use?" Dr. Hayes smiles slightly with this question.

I think just briefly…knowing that I would normally choose black or red for everything, but also knowing that I want something that reminds me of JJ. Who knows how things will turn out between us once the doctor is finished here, and I find out what Lucas really did to me.

At least with something like this, I'll have a small way…at least for a little while…to see something that reminds me of her beautiful blue eyes.

I finally answer…"blue".

The nurse…Chloe…starts to interject "we have a few different kinds of blue"…but Dr. Hayes interrupts her by saying "I think I know which blue Emily would prefer" and glances down at me with a knowing smile.

Chloe just glances over at Dr. Hayes and then down at me before glancing back at the door JJ just left and then nods her head briefly.

"As for your rib fracture and your other ribs that were severely bruised, those will take some time to heal, and you'll need to take it easy for a while. We'll continue to wrap those and monitor your breathing, but your oxygen levels have been good so far. We just need to make sure that you don't overdo it until you finish healing. We won't be able to leave your ribs wrapped like we normally do, due to some of your other injuries, so we just need you to be more cautious with your movements for the next week or so, until we can change the style of wrapping we are using." Dr. Hayes looks down at me to make sure I understand what she's saying.

I nod…I guess some of my wounds are interfering with how she would normally treat a broken rib. Great.

"There's one other thing I wanted to make you aware of before we get started. Due to the complexity of the surgery you had when you were first brought in…along with your head injury…we were primarily focused on ensuring that we stabilized your condition, and so we addressed the most pressing issues you were facing. However, you did sustain a couple of injuries that will require an additional surgery to address. They are mainly reconstructive or cosmetic in nature, but as those particular issues weren't life-threatening in nature, and continuing with the first surgery would've further endangered your life, we wanted to hold off on continuing with those procedures." Dr. Hayes starts.

"Additionally, we wanted to consult with a specialist that would be able to address those issues with you to a higher level than emergency surgeons would've been capable of at the time. We've asked that specialist to come and speak with you in the morning. I've already gone over the injuries she'll need to address, and reviewed your case with her, so once you're stable enough…she'll be ready to proceed with that surgery…whenever you are ready."

"An…other s…surg…ery? Wh…en?" I ask…surprised by the news that I'm apparently not finished with the surgeries I need to have.

"You don't have to have the surgery…but I assume you'll want to. It's not a risky procedure, relatively speaking, but it will address some reconstructive issues around your pelvic region that you'll likely want addressed sooner rather than later. It will also address some of the more prominent wounds that would be more likely to leave scars that can be resolved during the cosmetic portion of the surgery. She'll be able to go over all of that with you in more detail though. As for when…that's up to you. You should be stable enough, if you continue to improve, to have the surgery within the next few days, if you would like though. That will cut down on your recovery time here…since I know how anxious you are to get back home." Dr. Hayes calmly responds.

I just nod my head…trying to absorb all of this information.

So…I need to have some kind of reconstructive surgery on my 'pelvic region'. So it is as bad as it feels. It has to be if I need reconstructive surgery to fix what that bastard did.

This is exactly why I couldn't let JJ stay in here with me. If it's that bad…I couldn't let her see that. It's bad enough just hearing about it.

"Now…before we get started with everything else…I wanted to let you know about this." Dr. Hayes says as she holds up what looks like the button to call for the nurse…only it's slightly different and it looks like it's attached to the IV stand.

I just nod again as she continues "I've set up some pain medication for you that you can self-administer with this button. You'll be able to push this button here…" she shows me where to push "and it will release the medicine through your IV. You won't be able to take too much of it, but if you need it, you can take it once every four hours. If you don't need it, you don't have to use it. If you still feel pain even after using it…let one of us know and we can adjust the pain medication for you. This way…you won't have to constantly ask one of us for medication, and we can still track how much you are taking and when, from our monitors. Do you have any questions about this or how it works?" Dr. Hayes finishes.

I shake my head 'no'. I've seen these before. I just never thought I'd have to use one myself. I don't like taking pills…but with as much pain as I'm in right now and how much my throat hurts…it's probably the best option and one that I guess I'll probably have to use once in a while.

"Are you in any pain right now?" Dr. Hayes asks.

I nod my head slightly.

"Given that we're going to be changing your bandages and cleaning your wounds…and you haven't had any pain medication all day, if you are already in pain…it may be a good idea to take some of the medication now. It takes around 20-30 minutes to start taking effect. That will allow me to see how well the medication works and allow you to get some of the benefit from the medication by the time we're finishing up. It'll probably help you rest a little bit too…which you definitely need right now to help you recover. Did you want to go ahead and take some now?"

Given what I'm about to see and probably feel…blocking some of that out doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

I nod my head and watch as Dr. Hayes shows me again how to use the machine…pushing the button and releasing the medicine through the IV. "You'll be able to have another dose of medicine in four hours if you need it. If you experience a high level of pain before that four hours is up though, let one of us know and we will see if we need to make some adjustments to your medication. Okay?"

I just nod again.

"Okay. Well, let's get started on everything else. What we're going to do is just take things slow and easy…and one small area at a time…okay?" Dr. Hayes says gently.

I nod.

"We're going to start with your stomach and ribs. I'm going to slowly remove the bandages and examine your wounds. While I'm doing that…Chloe will clean that area and then we'll slowly and carefully re-bandage that area before we move on to the next. If you start to feel any sharp pain or want us to stop for any reason though…just let us know. Okay?"

I just nod.

I watch as they slowly cover my lap with the blanket and raise my gown to uncover my stomach and ribs. I hadn't noticed before that my stomach and ribs were wrapped separately from everything else. I guess I thought everything was wrapped up together.

"You may feel a little difference in pressure as the bandages are removed. We had to wrap your ribs tightly to help maintain some pressure on your ribs as well as your wounds. We'll have to re-wrap them a little tightly again…but not quite as tight as before." She explains as she slowly starts to cut and remove the bandages.

I slowly start to feel the pressure in my stomach and ribs release as if I had been holding my breath and finally exhaled. That or maybe like I had been wearing a pair of jeans that were a size or two too small and finally unzipped them.

Problem is that when that happened…I was able to feel even more of the wounds and the damage than I had previously. Apparently the bandages had been keeping pressure on some of them…preventing me from feeling all of them entirely.

I look down out of morbid curiosity I suppose…unable to help myself…and I'm shocked and somewhat mesmerized by what I'm seeing. Dr. Hayes tries to somewhat block my view…as does Chloe…but I finally say "I need t…to see."

Out of the corner of my eye…I notice as they shoot a worried glance between one another.

Dr. Hayes says worriedly…"Emily…they're just beginning to heal. All of your wounds are just beginning to heal. They'll all fade…all that'll be left will be faint scars…if that."

I barely hear what she's saying because I'm too focused on what I'm seeing. I don't know whether to laugh…cry…or scream. I'd be impressed…in a sick kind of way…if I'd done this to myself…but I didn't. Someone else did…Lucas did.

And I can't help but notice there's a weird pattern to the wounds. Then something registers in the back of my mind.

We had a case a few years ago…the Angel Maker. There was a woman that was stabbing people in weird patterns…constellations. I wonder if this 'pattern' is something like that. It looks similar enough that it could be.

Or maybe it's like Foyet…the guy that tortured Hotch and stabbed him repeatedly…kind of like what Lucas did to me. There really was no pattern that time though…he just wanted to inflict as much pain and damage as possible on Hotch.

I stayed with Hotch at the hospital and helped him out after he was released. Something no one else on the team ever knew about.

He was too ashamed about what Foyet actually did to him…what his injuries really were…that he refused to ask anyone for help. But I wasn't going to just leave him alone…not until I knew he could take care of himself and actually protect himself.

He tried to get me to leave…even threatened me and my job at one point to make me leave…but I just refused to go. He finally gave up and gave in. He was stubborn…but so was I. He knew he needed help and so did I.

The only thing he asked was that no one else ever find out the truth about what really happened…or that I was helping him. I promised him that I would never tell anyone about that…any of it.

If it is a pattern, I may have to ask him to repay that favor. I know he's working on the case…my case…right now. If this is some kind of pattern…I can have him look into it without involving the rest of the team…including JJ.

I know he won't say anything to anyone about my injuries, as much as I hate to have anyone know about them at all. If anyone has to know about them, I'd talk to Hotch before I'd talk to anyone else.

I know to anyone else that would probably seem odd. But given what Foyet did to him…I know he wouldn't look at me differently. And he…above everyone else…might actually have a chance of understanding what I'm going through right now.

I know what Foyet did to Hotch…and what Lucas did to me…well they're just too similar. Hotch still refuses to talk about that…so I know he won't say anything to anyone about me.

I finally ask Dr. Hayes "did you no...notate th...the lo…cation of th…these anyw…here? It looks like a pat…tern."

I realize the way I asked probably sounded like a profiler asking about a victim…but I don't really know how else to process what I'm looking at right now without completely losing it. I have to block out all of my emotions and just focus on being as detached from all of this as possible. Just pretend like I'm working on any other case. Like I'm dealing with something else…someone else.

"A pattern? What do you mean?" Dr. Hayes asks…somewhat confused…and concerned.

"The w…wounds. It l…looks l…like a pat…tern. Did you m…make any notes in m…my ch…chart ab…bout wh…where th…they were. On me I m…mean. I know you s…said s…someth…thing about a kni…ife…but you didn't s…say how deep they w…were either." I reply…trying to remain as professional with my questions as I can and remain as completely detached from what I'm looking at and feeling as possible.

I ignore the looks they are both giving me…as if I may have lost my mind…and Dr. Hayes finally replies "no…I didn't notate specific locations…just the number of wounds and approximate location. As for what was used…I can't say specifically. Your team mentioned a knife was located near you…so based on that information…it would seem that was the likely weapon. As for how deep the wounds are…that varies…but most of your wounds weren't too deep…and most avoided causing too much internal damage."

"I kn…know th…this s…seems l…like an odd req…quest…but can you g…give me a rough draw…ing or sk…ketch w…with wh…where m…my w…wounds are loc…cated. I th…think it's a pat…tern of s…some k…kind…and I'd like to kn…know wh…what it is."

If Lucas was sending me some kind of message…I need to know what it is. It may be a clue that would help on my case…or it may be a message just for me. Either way…I need to know.

"Yeah…I guess we can do that. But for now…we need to focus on getting your wounds cleaned and re-bandaged. I can get the rough sketch to you once we're finished…okay?" Dr. Hayes replies…clearly concerned about my request.