A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.

A/N: This is the continuation / second part of last chapter (that turned out much longer than I thought it would) that I ended up having to break up into two sections. I try not to do that if I can, but I also want to make this as easy to read for everyone as possible.

***Also please note that this chapter is more explicit than some of the others with regards to descriptions of injuries sustained. If graphic depictions of that nature are disturbing for you…Please be forewarned***

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.

This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Time heals all wounds. But not this one. Not yet." ~ Marie Lu

"Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going." ~ David Rossi

Chapter 58

"Are you doing okay?" Dr. Hayes asks.

I nod. I mean, I'm really not okay. I'm nowhere near okay…but I want to get this over as soon as possible.

I think they both know that, but neither one says anything...Thankfully. They just continue on with cleaning and re-bandaging everything.

I watch as Chloe starts to clean around all of the wounds. I try to not wince or move at all, but it definitely isn't the most comfortable thing I've ever felt. In fact, it hurts like Hell…but I know they need to do this and the less I complain about it…the faster they'll finish. I just hope that damn pain medicine will kick in soon.

Dr. Hayes, after examining all of the wounds, helps Chloe open the new bandages and place them gently over the various stitches and sutures that are covering a large section of my stomach and ribs.

They work in tandem and before long, all of those wounds are cleaned and re-bandaged once again. They even manage to re-wrap my ribs where I can breathe somewhat. It isn't quite as tight as before…but still tight enough that it will keep my broken rib somewhat secure.

I then hear Dr. Hayes mention they're going to clean and re-bandage the wound on my arm as well.

I watch as they remove the bandage there, and then clean and re-bandage that area. But I only briefly glance down at that wound. I already knew what that one looked like since I caused that injury myself before this whole mess started.

Hopefully, they'll think the injury to my arm was caused at the same time. I really don't need to have that particular conversation with anyone right now.

It was bad enough having it with JJ before. The last thing I need is to have to deal with that on top of everything else right now.

I notice Dr. Hayes and Chloe glance at one another and before looking down at me briefly, but neither one says anything.

I then hear Dr. Hayes tell me they are going to work on my upper legs and thighs next, and I just nod again.

I watch as they cover my stomach and ribs with the blanket, uncover my legs, and again I'm surprised to see that they too had been wrapped separately. Dr. Hayes again explains that if I feel any pain…to let her know.

I just nod to acknowledge I heard her and watch as she slowly cuts and removes the bandages.

Again, I'm shocked and mesmerized by the wounds I see. Had I done that damage myself…I'd be oddly impressed, but I didn't. For someone that self-injures…wounds like that are usually brought on by immense pain…confusion… panic…or some combination of those. And they indicate some form of relief was felt…even if only momentarily.

These wounds don't indicate any of those things happened. These wounds are signs that Lucas took control away from me and that he…in some way…was trying to mock one of the only forms of control I have. He knew me well enough to know why I did this…and tried to take that away from me too.

I also realize that the pattern I had noticed on my stomach and ribs had continued on my legs. If I wasn't sure before…I am now. Lucas purposely inflicted these wounds in a specific pattern. I just need to figure out what that pattern is…and what it means.

I'm somewhat lost in thought…so much so that I didn't even notice that Dr. Hayes and Chloe had finished cleaning those wounds and re-bandaged my legs…and had started to talk to me once again.

Looking at me with some concern…Dr. Hayes clears her throat and I look up to see her…once again…waiting for a response.

"Sor…ry…wh…what?

"Are you still doing okay?"

"Fine." I quietly reply.

"We need to move on to the last part Emily. We'll try to take this as slow as you need us to…and be as gentle as possible. I do want to warn you though…the damage in this area was a little more serious than in the other areas. So if you feel any pain…or need us to stop for any reason…just tell us. Okay?" Dr. Hayes tentatively asks.

I just nod…knowing that if she's this hesitant…it's not a good thing.

I watch as they slowly raise my gown and lower the blanket…leaving just my pelvic area which is still tightly wrapped…uncovered. I watch as they slowly cut and peel away the bandages and as I glance down…I'm horrified by what I see.

I can only look down briefly before looking away. I knew it had felt bad…horrible even. But to see how mutilated my core now looked, turned my stomach. I hear Dr. Hayes say something briefly about the knife penetrating my vaginal and anal cavities…the specialist talking to me tomorrow…the surgery repairing anything that wasn't fixed during my first surgery…but I block out what she's saying.

I try to block everything out that is going on in that moment. I can't deal with any of that right now.

How in the Hell is surgery supposed to fix that?

I realize that specialists can do a lot of things…but fixing that will take a miracle.

I need to start thinking of something else…and fast…or I'll be pulled back to what happened and I'll lose it completely.

Let me just think of JJ…and her beautiful blue eyes. That sweet innocent smile that she gets when she helps someone. Or that intense look she gets in her eyes when she's protecting someone…or so focused on something that she forgets everyone or everything else around her.

I know JJ said she wouldn't leave me or give up on me. She said she loved me before she left here a few minutes ago. I could tell when I looked in her eyes she actually meant it. She truly believes that she won't leave.

But how can she make a promise like that without having all of the information…without knowing what she's really promising? What she'd be giving up to be with someone like me?

I'm clearly broken…mutilated and mangled beyond recognition.

She surprised me when she offered to do a slow striptease using my IV pole. I would've loved to seen that…to hear and watch that unfold in front of me. Problem is…I can't return the favor obviously…not now. Maybe not ever.

No…I need to focus on something good…at least right now…I'll deal with reality later. Back to JJ and that slow, sexy striptease.

Okay…so how would that go anyway.

So…JJ is standing next to me…slowly moving up and down against the pole…a wicked grin on her face.

I watch as she starts to writhe and grind against the pole, one leg wrapped around it and one arm holding herself close to it while the other is slowly popping the buttons open on her shirt. She opens her shirt to reveal the black lace-covered breasts that so often haunt my dreams and fantasies.

My mouth begins to water in anticipation…wondering what she's planning next.

She smiles at me again as I watch her slowly slide her hand down her toned stomach…reaching for the zipper on her pants.

I'm sure she's wearing black lace panties that match delicate black lace bra that's barely containing her breasts right now. Just a few more seconds and I'll know for sure.

Then I feel Dr. Hayes touch my arm pulling me from my thoughts. Damn…

"Emily…are you okay? You're a little flushed."

I nod…and shake my head clear of the thoughts I was just having. I glance up to see Dr. Hayes…looking quite concerned. I glance over and see Chloe with the same concerned look on her face as well.

"Did you remember something?"

"I'm f…fine. I d…didn't rem…member any…thing yet." I answer and glance down briefly…noticing that they have finished with cleaning and re-bandaging all of my wounds. I must've completely blocked out everything they did.

"I must admit I'm a little concerned. You were non-responsive for a short time…almost as if you disassociated from what was happening. I understand that with the injuries you have and everything that you're experiencing right now…it could be traumatic for you. Also, if you're beginning to regain your memory…that could be traumatic as well. But blocking that out will only cause you more harm later."

I just nod to acknowledge I heard her…but I don't say anything. I can tell she's not done talking yet.

"I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not…but when you were brought in…you were in a moderately dissociative state. Given what just happened…I need to ask. Does that happen a lot? Do you disassociate from what is occurring around you often?"

"No. Sor…rry. I just zone…ned out for a litt…le bit. It's prob…baly the meds. Wh…when can y…you take th…the cath…theter out?" I quietly ask.

Dr. Hayes shakes her head…her brow furrowing slightly at the change of subject.

"I'm not sure your medicine would've caused that reaction…but I won't press the issue for now. As for the catheter…we'll have to see how well your wounds heal and how mobile you are. We may be able to remove it in the next day or two. It would also depend on whether or not you have the other surgery or not. That might impact the timeline as well."

"Ok" I nod.

"How s…soon will you have th…that rough sk…sketch of the w…wounds for me?" I ask…trying to change the subject somewhat.

"I can try to get that to you before long. Do you think it has anything to do with the case your team is working on?" Dr. Hayes asks.

"Not sure. I'll l…look at it f…first. Th…then sh…show th…them if I need to." I reply.

"Have you changed your mind about sharing your information with your kids or JJ?" Dr. Hayes asks before continuing "JJ really wants to help you…so do your kids for that matter…and you could really use the support."

"You c…can tell h…her ab…about my sc…scan…my br…broken r…rib…my cast…and my meds. Noth…ing about th…this." I reply as I look down towards my lap.

"You don't want her to know about the most serious injuries you have? Nothing about your wounds? Nothing about the specialist that is coming to see you tomorrow…or the surgery that you may have in a few days?" Dr. Hayes asks…concern evident in her voice.

"No. Not yet." I quietly reply.

"May I ask why?" Dr. Hayes asks.

"I don't wa…want any…one to kn…know ab…about th…that yet." I reply.

"Okay…I'll respect your wishes. I do wish you'd reconsider. I think JJ and your family would be a great source of support for you. But if you change your mind…just let me know. Until then…I'll just provide her with the update about your scan, your hand injury, your rib fracture and breathing issues, and the medication pump we've provided to you. It looks like you have enough water for now. Did you need anything else before we leave?"

I shake my head 'no' and watch as they turn to leave.

I hear them say "we'll let JJ know that we're finished up in here and I'll bring you that rough sketch as soon as I can" as I hear the door close behind them.

Now that I'm finally alone, I can finally release the breath I had been holding. I fight back the tears I've been holding in, because I know if I let them fall…I may not be able to shut them off before someone walks back in…before JJ walks back in.

She'd know if I'd been crying and know something was wrong and I can't let that happen. But I also can't stop the image that keeps flashing before my eyes. I can't believe how mangled and mutilated I am now. I can't stop hearing what the doctor said before I was able to fully block out what she was saying about my injuries. How is surgery ever going to fix that?

I know medicine and surgeons can do wonders now…but no one is a miracle worker. And at this point…it would take a miracle to fix me.

I know JJ said she wouldn't leave…and she probably really believes that. But I can't expect her to give up her life for me…or put it on hold indefinitely for someone that will never be whole again. That's not fair to her.

Before all of this happened, I was just slightly broken. But now I'm completely broken and horribly mutilated to boot.

Why on earth would someone as beautiful as JJ stay to be with someone as ugly, broken, dirty, and disgustingly mutilated as me? Why would I expect her to or even want her to? I can't be selfish. I want her to be happy…and she'll never be happy with me. Not the way I am now.

My only hope now is that the specialist really can work miracles. I need to wait and find out what she says…and go through with that surgery as soon as possible.

I can't let anyone…especially JJ…see what I look like or find out how bad my injuries really are now.

I have to make sure they never find out. I just have to hope the surgery works and that way they'll never have to know what really happened...what Lucas really did to me.

I know she'll be upset that I'm gonna have another surgery…especially since I have no intention on telling her or anyone else…not until after they're finished.

I just have to keep everything to myself until then…until I find out if the surgery actually worked and repaired all of the damage.

If it doesn't…I'll have to let JJ go. I'll never be able to be with her the way I am now. If it works…then I might still have a chance of things working out with her.

Damn you Lucas! I finally had a chance at finding happiness and you're still finding a way to try and take that away from me.

Now the trick is to act like everything is fine around JJ until I can talk with that specialist and schedule that surgery for as soon as possible. Then I have to figure out a way to have the surgery without JJ or anyone else realizing that's what is really going on.

Maybe I can get the doctor or specialist to tell everyone I'm having more tests done or something. I guess I'll just have to take it one step at a time.

I hate lying about this…especially if something were to go wrong during the surgery…but I can't risk telling them the truth either. No one can know about my injuries…what Lucas really did and how bad I really was injured. No one.

I feel ashamed enough as it is. If anyone found out the truth…I'd never be able to face them again.