A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.
A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.
A/N: This ended up being a much long chapter than I initially planned, so I ended up having to break it up into two sections/parts (to make it a little easier for everyone to read). The second part should be up soon.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.
This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Everything we do, every thought we've ever had, is produced by the human brain. But exactly how it operates remains one of the biggest unsolved mysteries, and it seems the more we probe its secrets, the more surprises we find." ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson
"A story to me means a plot where there is some surprise. Because that is how life is - full of surprises." ~ Isaac Bashevis Singer
Chapter 60
I softly knock on the door before entering Emily's room. I had been trying to mentally prepare for whatever I might find, but what I see is something that I definitely had not been prepared for.
As I slowly walk inside, quietly closing the door behind me, I look up and see Emily struggling to hold her cup. It looks like she's attempting to take a drink of water. She has her tongue out slightly, and moving her head slightly as well as her mouth in a strange way…in what appears to be an odd attempt to steer the cup and straw towards her mouth.
From what I can tell, it looks like she's spilled some of the water and is getting a little frustrated. What catches me more off guard is that if I didn't know better, I'd swear she was drunk.
I slowly make my way over to the side of Emily's bed, softly clearing my throat, and Emily glances over at me, offering a sideways grin, stating "damn straw won't cooperate".
Yep…she's loopy as Hell. I wonder how strong those pain meds were that the doctor gave her?
"Baby…" I offer a smile in return "Here…let me help you with that."
I quickly set down the bag I was holding in the closest chair and my drink on the bedside table and gently place my hands over hers…taking the cup she's struggling with so she doesn't end up spilling the rest of water all over herself. I gently ease it from her hands, holding the straw between my fingers…holding it up for her to drink from.
She slowly sips from it, and as she finishes, she looks up at me "Thanks."
Her eyes are almost completely glazed over, but those emotional walls seem to be down right now. I'm not sure if that is because of the pain meds or if she's let them down on purpose. I'm just happy they're down for the time being.
"You never have to thank me for helping you, Em. I'll always be here to help you with anything you need. Now…let me just go grab a towel from the bathroom so I can get you dried off." I offer a smile and she catches me off guard when she reaches her hand up, grabbing the front of my shirt…causing me to lose my balance slightly and nearly fall over on her.
I regain my balance slightly, but only just slightly…and not fast enough to realize that she's still pulling me towards her. I look up in time to see her smile…before tilting her head up and softly and pressing her lips to mine.
Still slightly off-balance, I softly gasp and lean further into her. I feel her softly running her tongue along my bottom lip requesting access, which I grant, and moan quietly as I feel her gently slide her tongue into my mouth. She continues to kiss me for a moment before leaning back a little…releasing me and my shirt, causing me to finally release the breath I had been holding.
"Wow. Where did that come from…not that I'm complaining at all mind you." I smile…happy that she had finally initiated this kind of contact with me. It's the first time she's done that…at least since this whole nightmare started.
I watch as she slowly reaches up, tucking a few stray pieces of hair behind my ear before quietly replying…"God you're beautiful…you know that right?" She quietly asks.
I blush slightly at the compliment…especially considering it came out of nowhere.
I shake my head slightly before responding "Nothing compared to you sweetheart…you literally take my breath away. But somehow when you say things like that…I almost believe it…so thank you. But what prompted that amazing kiss? Not that I mind…" I ask again…curious about the change in her demeanor.
"Can't I just kiss the woman I love? I've wanted to do that for a while now. We have a little time alone, so I thought…why not?" Emily smiled…finishing with a small chuckle.
"Baby…you are more than welcome to kiss me anytime you want. I hope you do. In fact…I'm looking forward to the next one already." I offer a wink and smile before continuing on.
"I'm just glad you seem like you're doing better now…you seemed so distant when I left a little while ago. What changed…good news I hope?" I cautiously ask.
"No…I just realized how much of an ass I've been to you. I know I've been pushing you away…and I'm sorry. I just don't want you to get hurt…especially by me. I guess that was my way of apologizing for everything. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I guess none of us really do…but I need you to know that I do love you…I always have. I just needed you to know that…that's all."
Why did that almost sound like a goodbye…or am I just imagining things again?
"Em…I love you too. More than I can say. As for me getting hurt…the only way I could ever get hurt was if I lost you again. I lost you once…and I can't go through that again. And I know you'd never hurt me…especially on purpose. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my entire life. I trust you with my life…and the life of my son. That should tell you everything you need to know. I can't say that about anyone else…not completely. And I know you're used to going through everything on your own…but you don't have to now. You don't have to do any of this on your own…I'm here and nothing will scare me away…I promise. I'm not going anywhere…and neither are you…okay?"
I watch as Emily nods her head…and then as if struck by some random thought glances down at her gown and frowns slightly…"Hey…why is this wet?"
I chuckle softly before replying "you don't remember?"
Emily glances up at me shaking her head "No…" a look of confusion crossing her face.
Yep…the meds have done a number on her.
"You spilled some water sweetie…I was just going to grab a towel for you." I offer a smile and see her nod in response.
Jeez…what the Hell kind of pain meds did Dr. Hayes give her anyway? She is completely out of it one second…and then she sounds completely coherent the next. Well…I guess as long as she's not in any pain…that's the important thing right now.
I quickly grab a couple of towels and return to the side of her bed. I take one of the smaller towels and gently dab and the water that has begun to soak into her gown…drying off the water she'd spilled earlier.
I notice that Emily is watching me carefully…and I finally ask "Is everything okay, Em? I'm not hurting you…am I?"
"No…you're not hurting me. Actually, I can't really feel anything right now. In fact…you could probably stab me with something and I wouldn't feel a thing…see…" Emily softly chuckles...jabbing her finger in random places on her leg and side… "but I guess someone beat you to that already…" she quietly mumbles the last part as she looks down at the rest of her body…sounding oddly calm.
I start to respond to her…a little worried about the random statement about her wounds…and also hoping she might open up to me a little bit about them…but she interrupt me before I can.
"It's just…nobody's ever taken care of me before…and you're so sweet…and gentle"
"Baby…I'll always take care of you. I want to take care of you. And you never have to worry about me being gentle with you because that's the way I'll always be. I promise" I softly reply…maintaining eye contact with her.
"Why? No one else ever was? I mean…I guess Matthew was…or at least he tried…but I ruined that like I ruin everything else." Another eerily calm, though slightly slurred, comment.
"I will because I love you…that's why. And you don't ruin everything. But what do you mean that no one else ever was sweetheart?" I cautiously ask…almost afraid to hear the answer she might give me.
"Everyone just takes what they want from me…and I'm just not strong enough to stop them. I guess I never have been. People think I'm strong but I'm really not. Even you…you'd show up and get what you wanted or needed from me and then leave. I just pretended I was fine with it. I just pretend that I'm strong for my kids…but that's just so they don't find out I'm not. I don't want them to turn out like me. Some weak…pathetic…unlovable shell of a person." Emily finishes…staring down at her lap.
I'm barely able to contain the gasp at her answer…I wasn't expecting that reply at all. I knew that I had hurt her before…but I never realized just how badly…or how she really felt about it. How she really interpreted what happened. She's let her walls down…whether it's because of her pain meds or something else…and the feelings she's kept hidden inside that have come flooding out are breaking my heart.
"Baby…that's not true. You're strong…you are. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. What happened to you wasn't your fault…none of it. Lucas was a horrible monster and you did everything you could to stop him. You protected me and saved your daughter. He hurt you because he was a monster…not because you weren't strong enough to stop him. You have to believe that."
I watch as she shakes her head…her answer comes out slightly slurred…"I'm not strong. I knew it was a trap…and that he wanted to hurt me. I couldn't let either one of you get hurt in the crossfire. Neither one of you deserved that. I'm just glad you didn't. He thought I ruined his life…so he wanted to pay me back. Guess he did."
What is she talking about? He's dead…and she alive? How did he ruin her life? God…I'm so confused right now. But I need to clear up the rest of what she said first. I can't let her think I was just using her, let her think her kids aren't proud of her…because neither one of those things are true.
"Sweetheart…he didn't ruin anything. He's gone…and you're still here. You'll get through this. We'll get through this together…because I'll be here every step of the way. As for what happened between us before…I am so sorry. I know I hurt you. I guess I just never realized how badly until now. But I promise you that I will never hurt you again…and I will do everything I can to make that up to you. And your kids…they are so proud of you…I know they are. I just hope they turn out to be half the person you are some day. Because that would mean that they have become amazing, incredible, strong, intelligent, beautiful human beings…just like you. You couldn't ask for anything more than that. And you are definitely not weak…pathetic…or unlovable. You have so many people that love you. I love you Emily….more than I ever thought possible."
Emily shakes her head as she replies…"you say that now. But if you knew the truth…you'd run away from me and never look back."
"What truth? What are you talking about sweetheart?" I ask…confused about what she's talking about.
Emily chuckles softly before asking, "Do you remember that night when you were cleaning up in Hankel's bathroom? When I surprised you and you pulled your gun on me? You thought I was one of those dogs that attacked you. You told me that for just a second…you saw one of those dogs in the mirror. Remember?" Emily looks up at me…eyes still hazy…calmly asking about that horrific night.
"Of course…but what does that have to do with…" I start to ask…but Emily interrupts me again.
"It's almost like you were catching a glimpse of the real me…a monster that was hiding just below the surface. Sometimes I wish you woulda just shot me that night. Woulda saved a lot of trouble…" Emily slurs…before looking back down at her lap again.
I gasp at this…unable to contain my shock. "Emily…don't ever say something like that…please. You aren't a monster…and it would've killed me to have hurt you…or worse. I was just hallucinating then. And I think your pain meds are affecting your ability to think clearly right now…" I stutter out…using my fingers to tilt Emily's chin towards me so that I know she's looking at me when I answer her.
"You know…people have told me before that they think I'm pretty or beautiful or whatever…but I've always known on the inside I was like that dog…sad…disgusting…dirty...and just pathetic. People just took what they wanted from me and I never stopped them. Funny thing is now…the outside of me matches the inside...so I guess I won't have to worry about that anymore. No one will want to hurt me like that again…I'm too disgusting for anyone to want. Guess I can thank Lucas for that."
"Em…please stop saying things like that. You are not any of those things. You are the most beautiful woman…person…I've ever met. On the inside and on the outside. And I don't know why Lucas hurt you other than he was a monster…and some people are just not wired together right. We both learned that after years of working on cases. Sometimes things just don't make sense…they don't have a reason. We just need to find a way to move forward from here…and no matter what...I'm not going anywhere." I reply…as I swipe at a tear that had started to trail down my cheek.
Emily looks up in time to see my reaction and confusion crosses her face "JJ…what's wrong? Why are you crying? Did something happen?"
"Do you remember what we were just talking about, Em?" I gently ask.
Emily gives me a strange look before responding with a smile…still slurring her words slightly…"Uh….no. Weird, huh? What were we talking about? Did I say something to upset you? If I did…I'm sorry."
God…she doesn't remember anything she said before. It's like I'm catching a glimpse of the world behind her emotional walls. It scares the Hell out of me…some of the thoughts she's having right now. And I have no idea if she is telling me any of this on purpose…or if it's because of the pain meds.
"No, sweetheart. It's just…I just love you so much Em…" as I start to say more…I hear a soft knock on the door and I look up to see Dr. Hayes walk in slowly…carrying some supplies.
"What's up doc?" Emily asks with a soft laugh.