A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.
A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. This is one of those chapters.
A/N: This is the continuation / second part of last chapter (that turned out much longer than I thought it would) that I ended up having to break up into two sections. I try not to do that if I can, but I also want to make this as easy to read for everyone as possible.
***Also please note that this chapter is more explicit than some of the others with regards to descriptions of injuries sustained. If graphic depictions of that nature are disturbing for you… Please be forewarned***
I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.
This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.
And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh." ~ Leonard Cohen
"I have trust issues with allowing other individuals to know my innermost secrets for fear of how I may be viewed. Everyone has this." ~ Kevin Gates
Chapter 61
"I'll be right back, Em…" I look over and see her nod before making my way over to Dr. Hayes.
"How strong were those pain meds you gave her? One minute she seems completely coherent…the next she's acting like she's drunk." I question the doctor.
"I started her off on a fairly low dose of the medicine. Her vitals have been good…so unless she has any other issues…I'd say everything should be fine. Sometimes those kinds of medications can cause a person to become a little euphoric…sometimes they can make them a little drowsy…but the primary goal is to help mitigate pain. As long as she doesn't have any negative side effects and she doesn't seem to be experiencing any pain…I'd say we just keep an eye on her for now. If she starts to experience negative side effects, I can change the medication or adjust the dosage then. But the medications she's taking really are the best we have available for her condition, and she's at nearly the lowest effective dosage I can give her right now." Dr. Hayes replies…glancing periodically over my shoulder as she does.
"Okay…as long as they aren't dangerous or anything." I quietly reply…noticing the supplies she has in her hand "are those the supplies for me to help clean the injuries on her face?"
"Yes. Just remember to be careful when you use them, given how painful the injuries to her face will be. Still, I'd imagine she'll feel better once she can get cleaned up a little more." Dr. Hayes replies.
"Well, according to her, she can't feel a thing right now…so I guess now would be the best time to use them." I reply…glancing back over at Emily as I do…noticing that she's watching us both intently.
I then notice that Dr. Hayes has a paper in her hands and I ask her "what's that?"
"Oh…this? Emily asked me to get this for her…but it looks like I'll need to wait to give it to her until she's a little more coherent." Dr. Hayes cautiously replies.
"You can just give it to me and I can give it to her later." I reply…a little confused about what's going on and what paper Emily would've wanted the doctor to give her.
Before the doctor can reply, I hear Emily ask…"Hey doc…is that my sketch?"
I look up in time to see the doctor pale slightly before she walks over to Emily and replies "yes…but I can wait and just give this to you later on…once some of your pain medication has worn off a little. JJ was going to help you clean up the cuts around your face. I can come back once she's finished with that and see how you're feeling…bring it back to you then."
I watch as Emily furrows her brow a little before responding "might as well give it to me now. She's going to find out sooner or later what he did…and maybe she can figure out what the pattern is. Plus…she's super-smart. Not Reid smart…but close. And…she's always been good at figuring out patterns and stuff like that."
Emily offers me a slight grin before looking back at Dr. Hayes and continuing on…"On the bright side…since she's gonna to find out how disgusting and mangled I am anyway…it might as well be when high off of these meds."
Proving her point about being 'high' on the meds, she starts moving one of her hands in front of her face…her eyes not quite tracking her hand before she continues on…"That way maybe it won't hurt as much. Ya know…seeing her run away from me again. Maybe I won't even remember it."
Dr. Hayes glances up at me and I notice that she has gone even paler than she had before. She turns her attention back to Emily and quietly says "Emily…I don't think it's a good idea for you to be making any decisions while you are under the influence of your pain medication. Why don't I just come back in a couple of hours and we can discuss everything then? That will give JJ enough time to help you clean up and your pain medication will have basically worn off by that time."
God…what the Hell did Lucas do to her? Dr. Hayes looks terrified right now. And she still thinks I'm going to leave her when I find out what happened…what her injuries are. I have to find a way to prove to her that I'm not going anywhere…no matter what he did…or what her injuries are.
I mean I think I know based on what Dr. Hayes told me earlier…before Emily told her to stop telling me anything. But still…I don't know for sure. I wonder if that sketch they're talking about is some kind of drawing of her injuries or something?
Emily offers a small chuckle as a response before calmly replying "Why bother? I'm sure she's already figured out by now what Lucas did…or at least has a pretty good idea. I mean…her and Morgan were the ones that found me after all. So I'm sure she saw what my injuries were for herself. If she runs away again after seeing that sketch…I'll have my answer. And I guess you or that nurse can help clean the injuries on my face…if they really need it."
What answer? What is she talking about? And she did remember what happened to her…I knew it.
Dr. Hayes…looking mildly shocked…asks Emily "you've remember what happened?"
Emily offers a soft laugh before responding "I remembered a while ago…I just didn't want to talk about it…still don't. It won't change anything. So…is that the sketch?"
Dr. Hayes…clearly surprised by the answer just replies "yes…but I really think you should wait to look at this…maybe have a therapist in here with you when you do."
"Oh no…not doing that. I just need to look at it…see if I can figure out what kind of pattern that stupid little fucker stabbed into me. Did you include all of the wounds?" Emily calmly asks.
"What pattern? What is she talking about…all of the wounds?" I nervously ask.
"Apparently Lucas decided to leave me a final message of some kind…that or he thought he was an artist or something. Either way…he stabbed me in some kind of weird pattern…like that Angel Maker case we had a few years ago. I just wanted to make sure the good doctor here included all of the stab wounds in her sketch." Emily replies…still calm.
It's almost as if she's detached from what's going on around her now. Now I'm starting to get a little nervous…the more she's acting detached like this…the more concerned I'm becoming.
I attempt to whisper a question to Dr. Hayes…hoping Emily won't hear me "What did she mean…all of her wounds? Why wouldn't you include all of them on a sketch? And was there really a pattern?"
"Don't bother whispering JJ…I can still hear you. You never were any good at the whispering thing. Yeah…there's a pattern…though I don't think the doc here realized it until I asked her about it. I asked her to give me a sketch so I could see where they were and maybe figure out what the pattern was. I wanted to know if she included all of the wounds because I thought she might leave out a couple of them thinking she was helping me…keep me from reliving some traumatic memory or something. Surprise…it's too late for that. I already remember. I remembered it all before you came in today. So if you didn't include them…might as well add them to the sketch now." Emily coldly states.
Oh God…I don't like where this is going at all.
"Baby…what wounds are you talking about? Why would the doctor leave some of them off of the sketch?" I cautiously ask Emily…hoping to God I'm wrong.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, JJ." Emily states firmly…not making eye contact this time.
Dr. Hayes clears her throat…before saying "I'm just going to set the supplies over here…and the sketch is right here on the table…" she softly says. "If you need anything…or have any questions…just let me know. I'll let the two of you talk for now…and I'll be back in a little while to check on both of you." I watch as she slowly makes her way out of the room…closing the door behind her.
"Sweetheart…please talk to me. I'm not going anywhere…and you're not going to scare me away. Nothing that happened to you will scare me away. I'm going to be right by your side every step of the way. And I will help you…with anything and everything you need. I promise."
"Yeah right. You don't even know what you're promising…" Emily replies…still not looking at me.
"Then it explain it to me…please. Why do you think I wouldn't understand…or that I would suddenly run away from you?"
Emily offers a sad laugh before responding…"because the only thing anyone really ever wanted from me…including you…I can't do anymore. Lucas took that away from me too. He took everything from me. Because apparently murdering women just because they were around me or people I cared about…and then beating me up and stabbing me God knows how many times wasn't enough for him…he had to rape and sodomize me with that knife of his too."
I'm unable to contain the gasp at hearing her admission. Oh my God! It's worse than I thought…no wonder she was catatonic when we found her.
I start to say something…but she again interrupts me.
"Don't you get it, JJ? The only thing I was ever good for…well, I'm not anymore. Unless some miracle happens…which I stopped believing in when I was a kid…I won't ever be able to be with you again. I know that's what you were hoping for…what you deserve. The most I could offer is a kiss or a hug…which you could get from anyone. I can't offer anything more to you or anyone else. I told you…I'm completely useless."
"Emily…sweetheart…" I reach for her face and hold it gently between both of my hands…making sure that she is looking at me before I continue…"I need you to listen to me very carefully…please…"
I see her nod slightly…so I continue…"I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm not saying that out of pity or guilt…but because you did not deserve that. You are the sweetest, kindest, most gentle person I've ever met…and for someone to hurt you like that breaks my heart. But it doesn't change anything for me. I told you before and I will keep saying it for as long as I need to for you to believe me. I am not going anywhere. I am not here just because I want to have sex with you. I am here because I love you. You are my everything Emily…my heart…my soul…my life. If that means that I spend the rest of my life just holding you…kissing you…holding your hand…or holding you when you fall asleep…then I am fine with that. I don't need anything more than that. I just need you. I am not settling for something less than I deserve. We both deserve to be happy…and I know in my heart that I can make you happy. I also know that the only way that I will truly be happy is if I'm with you. I don't care what form that takes…or how long it takes for you to recover. I will not leave you…ever. Not ever again. Please don't give up on me now…or yourself…please. I love you, Em."
"I love you to JJ…I'm sorry I'm putting you through all of this." Emily softly replies. I glance up and notice that she is starting to doze off. The pain medication must have finally kicked in enough to knock her out completely.
I can't believe what I just heard…the conversation we just had. I slowly reach over and pick up the sketch and look at it…gasping as I see the various puncture wounds that the doctor had notated.
The two that I can't seem to avoid looking at are the two that she was so concerned with…the two that have obviously traumatized her so badly that she thought I would turn and run away from her as soon as I heard about them.
Well…she was wrong. I'm not going anywhere. I will eventually prove that to her because I'm not going anywhere. Although for her sake…I hope that Dr. Hayes or another doctor will be able to fix whatever damage her bandages are still shielding from my view. She was so terrified just to show me the brand that Ian marked her with and the scar from the table leg. I can only imagine how traumatized she must feel with these kinds of injuries.
I have to wonder though if she intended for me to find out about them or if the pain medication influenced her into telling me about them unintentionally. I guess only time will tell. Hopefully…once she wakes up…she'll remember the conversation and won't push me away when she remembers what we talked about. I need her to realize that I'm here to stay…that I'm going to help her through this…and that I love her and nothing and no one will cause me to turn my back on her…including her.
For now though…I just need to focus on cleaning the wounds on her face while the pain medication is still working. Dr. Hayes said those wounds would be painful and the last thing I would want is to hurt her. I think it would probably be easier to clean those while she's knocked out from the meds. I just hope when she does wake up…her emotional walls aren't back up again…and that she allows me to help her…and that she finally allows Dr. Hayes to fill me in completely on everything going on with her medical situation.
I also don't know if she's going to remember any of what we talked about once the meds wear off. If she does…will she shut down again? Did she really mean to let me inside this much? If she didn't and remembers this conversation later…I have no idea what will happen.
I know I told her I wanted to know what she was thinking…I just never realized how low her self-esteem really was. On the outside, she seems so calm, strong, and self-confident. She has every reason to be. She's one of the most brilliant, beautiful, funny, and strong people that I have ever met. I would've never realized how she really felt about herself because she always projected such an air of confidence to everyone around her.
To know that it was all a façade…a mask to hide her true inner feelings breaks my heart. I know I have my own share of self-esteem issues. I just had no idea she was fighting the same kinds of battles that I did, though in a slightly different way and for slightly different reasons.
Regardless though, I know that my focus right now is on finding a way to help her through this and making her realize that what she's thinking about herself isn't true. I also need to find a way to prove to her that I'm not going anywhere. I just don't know exactly what that is yet or how long it will take.
I have a couple of ideas…though a couple of them I really don't want to have to think about right now. I just hope that when she wakes up…when the meds wear off…that she'll still have those damn emotional walls down and won't try to shut me out.
They guys will be back soon with my stuff…so I can hopefully take a quick shower before she wakes back up. Plus…her kids will be back with the charger for her phone too. Hopefully…I can get those injuries to her face cleaned up…get my shower done and changed into something that is more comfortable and less of a reminder of that horrible day…and be ready to face whatever surprises Emily has in store for me when she wakes up.