A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it.

This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself - that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror." ~ Jacques Rigaut

"The irrationality of a thing is not an argument against its existence, rather, a condition of it." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Chapter 63

I slowly start to open my eyes…finding JJ and Dr. Hayes looking down at me. Off to the side, I notice Chance and Summer are looking on as well.

In this particular moment, I feel like I've been thrown down a mountain and run over by a train. Everything I have hurts. Pain meds must have worn off. Damn.

I glance down at the cup of water and Chance notices first. He comes over to the side of the bed and asks if I'd like some water and I offer a small nod as a reply. My head is pounding right now and my throat feels like I've been gargling gravel.

I watch as he fills the cup with water and then holds it for me. I lean over…sipping carefully before slowly leaning my head back on the pillow.

Dr. Hayes asks "How are you doing this morning, Emily?"

I glance over at JJ and notice that she has a firm grasp on my semi-casted hand, and Dr. Hayes is glancing up at the monitors as she is waiting for my response. JJ is watching me intently…as if she's waiting for some kind of specific reply.

I finally tell her "Not bad…throat hurts a little though." I lie…I don't want my kids or JJ to know how bad I really feel.

"You probably just overdid it a little yesterday…and your throat will be a little sore for a while. But it should get better in a few days…you just have to give it a little time. You're sure that you're feeling okay otherwise though?" Dr. Hayes asks again.

I just offer a slight nod in response.

"Okay then. Well, if you're up to it, I can take you down to get that temporary cast changed out for a permanent one. We'll just need to do another x-ray to make sure that nothing has changed before we do. Are you ready?"

I nod again.

Dr. Hayes looks over at JJ, Chance, and Summer and says…"We shouldn't be too long. I just need to make sure that nothing has changed before we set her permanent cast. Once that has sets and dries…we'll be back up."

Dr. Hayes then pushes the call button and lets Chloe know that she's taking me down to get the x-ray and cast and moments later…Chloe walks in. She quickly introduces herself to Chance and Summer before starting to help Dr. Hayes move the various monitors and equipment so they can move my hospital bed without dragging half of the hospital with them.

A short time later…Dr. Hayes starts to wheel me out of the room, but JJ stops her.

"Hang on for just a sec…"

I start to wonder what she's stopping Dr. Hayes for…but don't have time to wonder very long. JJ leans over and places a soft kiss on my lips and whispers in my ear that she loves me and will be right there when I get back. Tucking a few stray hairs behind my ear…she looks at me with the most loving look I think I may have ever seen…before telling Dr. Hayes "ok…you can go now."

Weird…I wonder what that was about?

I mean I know she's said she loves me before…but that seemed odd. It's like she was scared or worried about something.

Getting the x-ray was fairly uneventful. So was getting my new cast. Dr. Hayes did a great job of finding a color blue that almost perfectly matched the color of JJ's blue eyes. I'm not sure where or how she managed to do that…but it looks beautiful…if you could call a cast beautiful.

Dr. Hayes and Chloe had been remarkably quiet the entire time I was getting my x-ray and cast…almost too quiet. It was starting to make me a little nervous.

Then Dr. Hayes mentioned that Dr. Stone would be coming by around 9:00…which was about 45 minutes from then. I started to ask her who Dr. Stone was…then I remembered. The specialist she told me about.

Then I remembered even more. The conversation I had with Dr. Hayes and JJ the night before. I had almost forgotten about it.

That's why everyone had been acting so strange around me this morning. They weren't sure if I remembered what happened or not. Well…I'm not going to let on that I remembered anything. At least not right now. For now…I'm going to pretend that I've forgotten all about it.

"Dr. Hayes?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you bring that sketch down for me before Dr. Stone shows up? And let her know that I want to see her alone. I don't want JJ or my kids there when I talk to her."

"Uh…I actually did bring the sketch down to you already, Emily. I brought it to you last night. Don't you remember?" Dr. Hayes cautiously replies.

"No…and I didn't see it this morning. Could you just bring me another one? That way I can see it before Dr. Stone shows up…so I know where my wounds are and what I'm dealing with that she's supposed to try and fix."

"You didn't want to ask JJ for it? I'm sure she has it."

"She might…but it'd be faster for you to just bring me a new one. That way she won't have to explain what it is around my kids either. You can just hand it to me with whatever information you have about Dr. Stone. I'd rather my kids not hear about any of this. If JJ does have it, and did see the sketch, she'd have to lie about what it is. I don't want her to have to lie to my kids. If she hasn't seen it, and just put it away somewhere, my kids would ask what it was about, and then I'd have to try and figure out something to say to them. Besides, with what we do for a living…even if JJ has seen it, at least she's used to seeing this kind of thing…my kids aren't. I don't want to traumatize them with any of this."

"So are you okay with letting JJ know about this part of your medical information now?" Dr. Hayes questions.

"Not about the possible surgery. As for the rest of it, I guess it depends on whether she's actually seen the sketch or not. I can talk to her about that later. Besides, I really don't want her knowing anything specific right now either way. Even if she has seen it, she would only know about the general situation, not anything too specific. Once I meet with Dr. Stone, I'll have more information. I can talk to her about all of it then, depending on what Dr. Stone tells me. Hopefully, I can get the surgery done, and at that point, then the cat's outta the bag. Once that happens, and she figures out I've had another surgery, we really untell her that something else is going on. Until then though, I'd rather not worry anyone unnecessarily." I relent slightly.

I didn't want JJ to know anything about any of that…but I guess the pain meds I took had the same effect on me as getting drunk. I tend to overshare. Nothing I can do about that now. And I'm fairly sure that she would've have looked at the sketch. If I were her, I'm fairly sure I would have, so it's the same for her.

I was…and honestly still am…horrified that she likely knows what happened. But, seeing that look she gave me this morning gives me a slight reason to hope we might still have some chance. She's told me that she loved me before. But the look she gave me earlier…well…I could actually feel the love she had for me. That was unlike any look she's ever given me before. It was new…different…special…and gave me a glimmer of hope for the two of us.

I've never seen someone look at me like that before.

Well…Lauren looked at me like that once…but I screwed that up. I made the wrong decision and lost her.

I'm trying not to do the same thing now. It's just hard to know what the right decision.

I do know that I don't want her to worry about me having another surgery…her…my kids…my team…or anyone else for that matter. I just hope that Dr. Stone can work miracles and make me look somewhat human again.

"Okay…if you're sure. We'll need to tell them something if you decide to have surgery. Also, if you were to have complications during surgery, we would need your permission to speak with them regarding your condition about that."

Okay…good point.

"If something goes wrong…then you can talk to JJ about it. I still don't want my kids to have any specific details…just general information would be enough. But I don't want them to know otherwise. Just tell them you're taking me down for some more tests or something instead of surgery. I assume the surgery wouldn't take that long. I can tell them once it's over that it was a surgery instead…and it was my idea to keep it from them…not yours."

"If you're sure…then I suppose I'll go along with your request for now. I'd prefer that we all were up front with JJ and your family so if something were to go wrong…they wouldn't be caught by surprise…but I can't force you to make that decision."

"Thank you…" I offer as a reply…and with that…Dr. Hayes and Chloe wheel me back to my room. I find JJ, Chance, and Summer all waiting…right where they were when I left.

"Nice cast mom…I love that color!" Summer exclaims…and Chance nods in agreement.

I notice JJ looking at the cast before looking back up at me while Dr. Hayes and Chloe are hooking all of the monitors and equipment back up.

"Yeah…I thought so too." I softly reply.

"We'll be back with that information you asked for in a minute…and Dr. Stone should be here in about 20 minutes."

"Did you pick that because…" JJ glances at the cast…starting to ask about the color…and I just offer a nod in reply.

I watch as she smiles broadly before leaning in and pressing her lips gently against mine.

She leans back just slightly and quietly says "I love you so much sweetheart…"

"What's that about?" Summer whispers to Chance…but loud enough for JJ and I to hear.

"Your mom picked that color because it reminded her of the color of my eyes" JJ answers the unspoken question.

"Really?" Summer looks over at me.

I just nod.

"Wow…that's so sweet…and amazing." Summer softly responds...before turning to whisper to Chance "mom really loves her."

JJ leans back in once more…kissing me gently…gently running her hand down my jawline...still smiling.

I know she heard what Summer just said…just like I did. Summer isn't any better at whispering that JJ is.

Chance clears his throat…"not to interrupt you two…but…who's Dr. Stone?"

Crap…thought they'd miss that part.

I watch as JJ leans back…waiting for an answer to that question too.

"Just someone that Dr. Hayes wanted me to see. Nothing important."

"Dr. Hayes said you were getting better. Is something wrong? Did something show up on your x-ray or some other test? Are they like a specialist or something?" JJ fires of rapid-fire questions.

"Calm down JJ…nothing like that. It's something she set a while ago. Nothing's wrong…nothing's changed. It's just someone she wanted me to talk to…that's all." I glance up at JJ…and she nods.

I'm sure she thinks it's a therapist or something…like that's ever going to happen. But if she assumes that is who Dr. Stone is…who am I to change that assumption.

"Okay…if you're sure nothing is wrong."

"I'm sure."

I hear a soft knock on the door.

Dr. Hayes comes in to drop off the sketch and information on Dr. Stone. "Here's that information you asked for. Dr. Stone just got here and I'm going to go over a few things with her first. Then, she'll be down in just a few minutes."

I just nod…and Dr. Hayes turns and walks back out of the room.

"What are those papers, mom?" Chance questions.

"Just some stuff on rehab for when I get out of here." I lie.

I had asked for another copy of the sketch with my wounds on it and some information about Dr. Stone and the possible surgery…but I didn't want my kids to find out about any of that. Dr. Hayes just put it all together and I decided that 'information about rehab' sounded like a plausible idea. They seemed to have bought it.

Now I just need to make it through the visit with Dr. Stone…set up the surgery and make it through that successfully…and be able to put this whole disaster behind me.