A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.

A/N: Sorry for the continued delays in posting…my muse apparently has narcolepsy. I think they are at least partially awake again…hopefully. And as of now, I'm still planning on making this a fairly long, multi-part story, but if y'all aren't into it…I'll wrap it up soon.

Thank you to everyone that is still reading and commenting on this story…The positive reviews definitely help keep me and my stubborn muse motivated…so keep them coming!

And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!

***More drama and more secrets revealed***

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!

"It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed." ~ Horace

"Don't let your wounds make you become someone you're not." ~ Demi Moore

Chapter 65

My thoughts have been racing at a pace that surely would win any land speed record ever since I walked out of Emily's room earlier. In an effort to try and quell the nervous tension, I tried to just sit down in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the hall. That, in the end, proved to be completely pointless and impractical.

I had hoped that by not pacing, not showing the nervousness that had been building since I noticed the fear in Emily's eyes earlier, I would be able to keep her kids from becoming as panicked as I was starting to become.

In addition, I had hoped by just sitting, I would be able to stop the racing thoughts in my own mind and just focus on one or two things instead of the hundreds that seemed to be bombarding me all at once.

All of the moments that Emily and I had spent together over the years…the one and only night we spent together that went so horribly wrong the next morning…all of the secrets I had learned over the past few days…this horrible sequence of events that led me to where I am now…where Emily is now…all of her wounds that I saw on that sketch I saw…how traumatized Emily must be feeling now…how ashamed even though she has no reason at all to feel that way…all of the secrets I am still keeping from Emily and everyone else…how much I wish I could see my son…what I could do to fix everything.

"Why can't things just be simple for once?" I quietly muttered to myself.

Then…as if by some weird stroke of luck…intuition…or a common bond with her mother…Summer mirrored almost exactly the actions and motions that Emily had taken the evening that Garcia had been shot and I was internally panicking waiting in that horrible hospital waiting room for word on her condition.

Summer slowly walked over to my side…taking a seat next to me and gently, quietly, reached over and took my hand. She never said a word…but instead offered a comforting squeeze of my hand and it had nearly the same effect Emily's actions had that night years earlier. It grounded me.

I squeezed her hand back…showing her that I appreciated her reaching out to me…offering comfort to me when I should have been trying to comfort her.

I would've said something to her…tried to tell her how much I appreciated what she did…but I was afraid I would break down in tears in that moment.

Then surprisingly…Chance sat on the other side of me and put his arm around my shoulder…pulling me gently into his side…offering his own form of silent support. Neither said a word…but their actions spoke volumes.

They were both worried…but they both realized that I was worried as well and they were offering their support to me in the only way they could.

That meant more to me than I could possibly explain and it took nearly all the strength I had not to break down into tears right there in the hall.

I gently rested my head on Chance's broad shoulder…squeezing Summer's hand again as we waited for Dr. Stone to emerge from Emily's room.

I felt Summer lean into my side, still holding my hand. I let go of her hand momentarily…but only so that I could pull her closer into my side…allowing her to rest her head on my chest. She did…wrapping her arm around my waist.

And that is how we waited…wrapped around one another…in our little protective bubble…each trying to comfort the other…waiting Dr. Stone to emerge.

Thankfully…the racing thoughts in my head were replaced with just one thought. I would find a way to make this work…to fix this for all of us. I had to!

When Dr. Stone walked out of my room, I knew she'd be coming back fairly soon.

Part of me wanted to get the surgery over as soon as possible…but another part of me was terrified of actually having the surgery.

I knew that a successful surgery was my only hope at a real future with JJ.

What if the surgery doesn't work? What if it she can't really fix all of the damage Lucas did? Or with my luck…what if she makes things worse…as if that's even possible?

I knew I only had a little bit of time before Dr. Stone and Dr. Hayes returned to my room, so I found the sketch Dr. Hayes had brought down earlier. Part of me wanted to see for myself what the sketch looked like…to see if I could identify a pattern. The other part of me wanted to see what it was that JJ had seen…what it was that she really knows about my 'situation'.

I nearly gasped when I opened up the folded paper. It was much more detailed than I thought it would be. I suppose part of me had hoped for a glorified stick figure or something along those lines.

What I saw though was more like an anatomically correct version of me…with every wound notated precisely. The size…depth…location…everything. The only thing missing were actual pictures of the injuries.

Jesus! If JJ saw this…then she would know what Lucas did…or have a damn good idea. Granted…she didn't actually see it…but she might as well have with as detailed as this sketch is.

Shit! Now what?

I never wanted her to see this! To see how horrible my injuries really are…and where they are.

I don't even have the words to describe how horrified I am that she knows about all of this now. If I could just completely disappear and never face anyone right now…I think I'd take that option.

But I know that I can't…and I can't let on that I know she saw this damn sketch either. At least not now.

Maybe once the surgery is over…after the doctor has hopefully fixed everything…I can tell her I don't look like that anymore…to just forget about it. But is that really possible…will she really be able to forget it? I mean honestly…how could she? Especially now that she knows now how damaged I really am…how broken.

Okay…okay…I need to pull it together. At least for the time being. I need to focus on the sketch and see if I see a pattern before anyone else comes back in so I never have to look at this damn sketch again.

Lemme see. Actually…it does look familiar. Where was that damn pen the doctor was using just a minute ago? Oh…there it is.

Let me see if I can draw the overlay on it…

Son of a Bitch…I know what it is. Well…at least I know it was just a message for me and I don't need to involve the rest of the team. And no one else would likely notice this pattern or even realize the meaning behind it. Lucas was trying to make one final point…pun intended I guess.

Hopefully Dr. Stone can get rid of the wounds too so I won't have to be reminded of his little parting gift either. Thinking he was a modern day 'Perseus' and I was his 'Medusa'.

He apparently saw what he was doing as slaying his own monster...that I turned him to stone. Wish I would have. Maybe then all of those other women would have still been alive.

Instead…he stabbed his 'medal of honor' or calling card into me so I would have to remember him.

Guess he forgot surgery can usually fix that kind of thing…Dumb Ass.

Though I will unfortunately, always remember what he did…even if the damn wounds are removed.

After what felt like an eternity…but in reality was probably only 30 or 40 minutes later…Dr. Stone opened Emily's door and walked over to us. We started to get up…but she put her hand up to stop us. She told us that she needed to confer with Dr. Hayes about something and they both would be returning to Emily's room for a short time. Once they both met with Emily…we could go back in. She said it shouldn't be too much longer.

"Why would she need to leave and come back with Dr. Hayes? What's going on?" Summer asked…worry evident in her voice.

Unable to contain the worry in mine at that point…I simply replied "I don't know sweetheart. I guess we'll have to wait until they are done. Hopefully one of them will tell us something then."

"If mom lets them." Chance muttered.

"She hasn't exactly been forthcoming with what's really going on. Doesn't she realize we just want to help? I know she's stubborn and wants to do everything on her own…but damn it. We aren't kids anymore. None of this was her fault…she doesn't have to be worried about what we'll think. She doesn't have anything to be ashamed of or anything like that. Why can't she understand that we'd love her no matter what?" Chance finished…angered combined with a hint of sadness tinted his soft…baritone voice.

"I've tried to tell her the same thing. None of what happened to her was her fault…but she just isn't ready to hear it right now. As far as her injuries…I think you're exactly right. I think she's ashamed about what happened to her and doesn't want anyone to know what really happened. She can't seem to grasp that it doesn't matter to any of us. You're right though…we do love her…no matter what. We just need to keep showing her that regardless of how stubborn she is or how hard she tries to push us away." I state…much more firmly than I thought I could.

"Mom is lucky to have you JJ." Summer softly replies.

"No sweetheart…you have it backwards. I'm the lucky one. Your mom could have…and probably should have…given up on me a long time ago. But that isn't the kind of person she is. And I am not about to give up on her now. And I am determined to make sure she recovers no matter what." I calmly reply.

I look up in time to see Dr. Stone and Dr. Hayes walking into Emily's room. Both are carrying charts and papers but neither look directly over in our direction. I have no idea what is going on…but I know I don't like it…whatever it is.

I hear a faint knock on the door and quickly fold the paper back up and put it away just in time to see Dr. Stone and Dr. Hayes enter the room. They walk slowly over to me and ask me again how I'm doing.

I let them know I'm fine…though I don't think I sound as convincing as I wanted to. I didn't have time to compose myself as much as I would've liked to before they came back in.

I notice that they glance back and forth at one another before looking down at me. They let me know that they have been able to get my surgery set up for later in the afternoon…if I still want to proceed.

I tell them that I do…and they pull out some paperwork that they need to review about the surgery and other necessary documents. At this point though…it's all a blur. I just want to get this over and done with as quickly as possible.

The only thing I hear for sure is that the surgery is scheduled for 4:00pm and that they will come back in around 3:00 to take me down to start getting everything ready.

I ask them again to not say anything to my family or JJ…other than I need to have more tests done this afternoon to determine how fast I can get out of here. I watch as they both give me a look of what I can only guess is sadness mixed with disappointment…but I don't really care what they think right now.

I'm too horrified by all of this to even try and talk about it…let alone explain it to anyone…or discuss what Dr. Stone is really here for…the surgery I am going to have to have.

I can barely look at myself in a mirror right now…and the thought of facing anyone…realizing they know what happened makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

The problem is…I can't let on that anything has changed. I can't let my kids or JJ realize anything is wrong…that I am completely humiliated by all of this. That I am completely ashamed and mortified now that I know what JJ really knows about my 'situation'. Any of it. I just have to try and pretend like everything is fine.

At least until after the surgery. Then I can go from there once I see if the surgery actually works. Hopefully by then…I'll look somewhat human again and can try and at least pretend none of this even happened.

If everything looks normal on the outside…no one will have to know that it isn't exactly normal on the inside. That part I've always been better at hiding...the inside turmoil. My famous compartmentalization skills at work once again.

But first…I need to find a way to get them out of here while the surgery is going on. No need for them to be pacing around here for hours waiting on my 'tests'.

Dr. Stone and Dr. Hayes reluctantly agree and I watch as they leave again…telling me they will check back again on me later…before the surgery to make sure I don't need anything. And that if I change my mind before the surgery…that's okay too…that it can always be postponed to a later time.

The three of us wait…rather impatiently…unwilling to move from our seats just outside of Emily's room…until the two doctors emerge again. Dr. Stone walks directly towards the nurse's station with only a cursory nod in our direction and Dr. Hayes makes her way over to where we are sitting.

I stand up…almost as if I'm sitting on a spring…asking what's going on.

Dr. Hayes tells me that Dr. Stone and her have set up some tests for later in the day that will determine how much progress Emily has made and how quickly she will be able to be discharged from the hospital…given her determination to leave as quickly as possible.

I tried to ask her about the tests…but her response was pretty much what I expected. We'll need to talk with Emily about them if we would like more information…given that Emily advised both of them they were not allowed to discuss the specifics of the tests.

She apologized again for being vague…but did state that Dr. Stone and her would be returning around 3pm to get Emily and the tests would likely take several hours to complete. She also said that it was okay to go back in and see Emily.

I could tell she was not being completely honest…though I could hardly blame Dr. Hayes since it was quite obvious Emily was preventing her and Dr. Stone from disclosing more information. I thanked her for what information she did provide and the three of us headed back into Emily's room.