*** I wanted to apologize for the ridiculously long delay in posting this chapter (and the upcoming chapters) – I would go into everything that has happened since my last post, but it is just too much to go into and I am guessing you all are just interested in seeing where I take the story anyway…Hopefully, I can keep posting for a while and not have any more dramatic pauses for a while***
A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
A/N: Violence towards a primary character is mentioned/discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you.
A/N: Thank you to everyone who has continued to read, post comments, and offer feedback on this story, as well as put up with the very long delay in getting this latest chapter up. The next couple of chapters may take a little bit of time as I am still trying to recover from COVID, and that is taking a little longer than I would prefer. That being said, as long as everyone is still interested in the story, I will continue to update as frequently as possible.
A/N: This chapter flips back and forth between JJ and Emily's POV.
Thank you again for everyone who continues to comment on this story…The positive reviews definitely help keep me and my stubborn muse motivated…so keep them coming!
***More drama and more secrets revealed***
I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!
"I am not a thing to be owned, but a person to be loved." ~ Unknown
"I am not an object, I am not a thing, I am not something you can just use and discard." ~ Unknown
Chapter 68
"Can't think of anything right now", I playfully replied. "My brain is still a little foggy. Guess that's what happens when you have a bunch of head injuries". I offer a lopsided grin. "Maybe you could help out…since I'm guessing you have a few ideas that would probably work just fine with all of this mess" I wave the mess of wires around again for effect.
JJ offers a smirk in return, still playing along with our earlier banter. "Well, I don't want to injure you even more. Maybe I should just get goin'. I wouldn't want to add to that 'fogginess' you're experiencing" She smiled as she replied, using air quotes as she said 'fogginess'.
I watched as she slowly started to back away, but I quickly reached up in an attempt to grab lower on her shirt, accidentally hooking one of my fingers on the edge of her waistband instead. My coordination is a little off.
"JJ…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I was reaching for your shirt…I…" I stammer my words, flustered by where my hand ended up and frustrated by my lack of coordination.
She smiled and blushed a little, but had stopped backing up instantly when she felt my fingers hooking onto the waistband of her jeans. She glanced down only briefly and then covered my hand with her own.
JJ, I suppose in an attempt to keep the conversation light, smiled lightly back at me and flashed me a quick wink, before softly replying "You don't need to apologize," JJ offered softly, "I don't mind at all. I guess that 'fogginess' you had a second ago must've cleared up a little," JJ continued with a little smirk.
Embarrassed that I grabbed her waistband instead of her shirt, I apologize again "JJ, I didn't mean to grab you like that", I reply, turning my face away from her a little as I realize that her hand is still covering mine in her waistband. I slowly withdraw my hand, feeling the warmth from JJ's hand leave mine almost instantly, and put my hand back over my stomach.
I can't believe I just stuck my hand in the waistband of her jeans.
I was trying to be smooth and just hook the edge of her shirt a little bit to keep her from leaving. But my damn lack of coordination and all these stupid wires made it seem like I was wanting more than I did. And everything was fun and lighthearted before.
Now everything is tense again. Damn it. I can't seem to do anything right.
"Hey…Em…look at me, sweetie." JJ asks "Please. Everything is fine…really. Just look at me, please."
I slowly turn my head and see JJ staring intently at me. "Baby…it's fine. And I really didn't mind. As far as I'm concerned, you are welcome to touch me anytime you want, anywhere you want. And you don't have to feel bad about it or apologize to me. I am all yours Emily…every part of me. My mind…my heart," JJ smiled and leaned over to place a soft kiss on my jawline right below my ear, whispering "and my body."
Feeling a shiver run through me when she kisses my jaw, I process what she has just said. I know she is still trying to prove to me she's not going anywhere, but I need to make sure she understands why this bothered me so much. She keeps telling me that she wants me to be more open and honest with her about what I am feeling or what I am thinking. I told her I would try, at least part of the time. I guess I should probably start with something like this. Although feeling her continuing to kiss my jaw and neck is making it difficult to concentrate.
"JJ…you don't belong to anyone. You're your own person. You aren't a piece of property, and no one, including me, should have the right to touch you or grab you whenever or wherever they want. You should always have a right to say no or to stop whatever is going on. No matter what the situation is or who is involved. I'm sorry I grabbed you like that. I didn't do it on purpose, but I don't want you to think I meant for that to happen either. No one should feel like someone else is taking advantage of a situation. And I'm sorry if I made the situation awkward."
I need her to know that no one should ever feel like they are just a piece of property or they are being used. I have been used enough over the years and would never, ever, want to make JJ feel like that.
"Hey..Em…sweetie. I know you grabbed my jeans by accident. And you don't treat me like I'm your property. You never have and I know you never would. But I want you to know it's okay if touch me or something like this happens again, because I do belong to you…every part of me, despite what you say. And I want to belong to you. That's my choice though. It's been that way since we first met. So I'm okay with you touching me and I don't feel like I'm your property when that happens.
I feel safe and loved whenever I am near you or when you touch me. You have never once made me feel anything other than completely safe and loved. "You could never do anything to make me feel like I was being used. But I get the feeling we aren't just talking about me right now." JJ cautiously added "This is more about everything you've been put through, isn't it?" JJ took my hand and looked carefully at me for a response.
I started to look away from JJ, towards my lap. That had generally been a safe place to look before. Not so much now. I just didn't want to look directly at JJ when I answered this particular question. I decided looking off to the side of the bed away from JJ and my lap was the best option. "Maybe…I don't know."
Continuing on, still avoiding direct eye contact "I guess with everything that's happened…before and recently…I just need you to know I would never hurt you or intentionally put you in a situation where you felt unsafe or used…I wouldn't ask you to do anything you didn't 100% feel comfortable doing." I reply…somewhat ignoring the direct question about whether I was referring to myself or not with part of my earlier comment. I suppose that was part of the reason why my reaction was so dramatic. In the past, I likely would have just played everything off and maybe even joked about it. But considering what just happened with Lucas, and realizing that nearly everyone else I have ever been near just took what they wanted from me, I am a little touchy about this kind of thing right now. I just needed to make sure that JJ understood that I was nothing like any of them. I would never do anything like that to anyone. Ever. Especially not her.
"I know sweetie…and that's just one of the many reasons I love you so much," JJ replied…leaning down and softly kissing my lips.
For now, I won't pressure her to go into more about what she said. Obviously, I am going to have to be really careful with my actions and even hers for a while, given everything she's been through. Something so harmless like her accidentally grabbing my jeans instead of my shirt usually wouldn't have caused this kind of a reaction, even from her with everything she's been through. But apparently with this latest crap that Lucas put her through, she is extremely sensitive right now. Hopefully, with some time, she will start to get better with all of this and not be as worried every time she touches me, and I won't need to worry every time I touch her if she's going to take that the wrong way too. Maybe a quick distraction for now is what we need.
"Hey Em…can I ask you a question?"
"Uh...I guess."
"Are we like, officially dating now…I mean…can I tell everyone that…I don't know…that you're my girlfriend?" I somewhat stammer when I ask her… I really would like to know what I should call her when I talk to others about our relationship. We never really had a chance to talk about it with everything that happened and now it is kinda undefined.
Well...I wasn't expecting that question. I would love to say yes…scream it in fact. But I don't know how this surgery I am having in a little while is going to go, and I don't want to tell her yes and then have her feel like she's stuck with me. I also don't want to get my hopes up and have something go wrong in the surgery or have it not turn out well and have to watch her leave when she realizes I'm not 'girlfriend' material and am useless for basically everything.
Hopefully, the surgery works and she never has to find out what a mangled mess all my stuff looks like now…and that after the surgery everything is back to somewhat normal. But if the surgeon can't fix everything and I still look like a freak, then being with JJ is out. I don't even want to look at myself right now. The thought of JJ seeing the carnage of what Lucas did is not just embarrassing, but horrifying to even think about. I can't let that happen. I wouldn't be able to face her if I knew she saw what lies beneath those bandages. She would never look at me the same way again. I can't allow that. So how do I answer her question now? If I say I need more time, she'll be hurt and think I don't want to be with her. If I lie and say no, she'll think she did something wrong, which she didn't. If I say yes, and something goes wrong during the surgery, then what? If the surgery works out great…but if not, I am stuck…and so is she. And she probably thought this would be an easy question.