JENNIE
..
..
By mid-summer, Chaeng becomes more than my friend. She's my mother, my sister, and my mentor. If—when—she dies, it will hurt more than it would if my biological mom died. I still clean her house on Tuesdays, but I also hang out with her in the evenings when Lisa has a late flight home. One might think our age gap would leave us with little to talk about, but it's quite the opposite.
Chaeng loves watching me edit photos. And I enjoy snapping a few candid shots of her when she least expects it. She gives me an eye roll, and I peek around my camera and give her a wink.
She's always interested in talking about my mom and her sordid past. I think it's her way of giving me therapy, which I can't afford. I enjoy her mentoring me on gardening and caring for her jungle. At the same time, she shares all the places around the world she visited during her career as a flight attendant. And we both love reality TV, celebrity gossip, and all things fashion.
There are good days and bad days—days I think she's miraculously beating the cancer and days that feel like the end is near. So many times, I've come close to confessing my housing situation. I've casually mentioned student loan debt and a few medical bills—but I've never told her they're piled a mile high. I don't want her pity. I'll figure out my own shit … eventually. For now, I just want to be her friend.
"Thank you," she says.
I glance down at her from the ladder, dusting the lights above the island while she eats her Cap'n Crunch. That's how I know today is a good day. Cap'n is always a good day. "It's my job. You pay me, and no thanks required." I wink.
"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about us. You're the only friend I have who doesn't give me the pity look. You don't bombard me with questions about new treatments. You don't tell me I should be on a juice cleanse and meditate every day. When we're together, it's easy to forget I have cancer."
My attention returns to the lights because she's trying to make me cry, which would look like pity. She's set the bar high. I'll have to really watch what I say, how I look at her, and definitely not suggest too much nutritious food. I'll drop off a pint of her favorite ice cream if Lisa is working tomorrow.
"Sometimes I forget that you hired me to clean your house, especially since Lisa has been so grateful. When I first started working for you, I felt like she was unsure about our friendship. Like maybe she resented it? But now I feel like she's truly grateful that we've bonded. I've never had a boss say thank you as much as she does."
I finish wiping the last light and toss the dusting rag over my shoulder. Grabbing the cereal box, I help myself to some breakfast contraband—sans washing my hands. We know I'm not going to kill her with a bit of dust and dirt.
Chaeng smiles, adjusting her red beanie. It's ninety-five degrees outside, but she's chosen a winter hat to cover her head that still hasn't seen much hair growth. She's cold all the time, but I don't say much. There's not much to say when it comes to her physical state.
It is what it is.
"Lisa is …" She smiles, and it's love. Unconditional love. And it's a little heartbreaking because I don't think their story ends with a happily ever after. "Listen, Jen … don't clean houses forever … unless it's really what you want. But I think you're going to be a wildly famous photographer someday, so don't spend all the interim cleaning houses. It's a big world. Travel. Make memories. Make mistakes. Make love. Blow an entire paycheck on a handbag or the most impractical shoes. I saved my money. I should have bought the shoes. Be better than me, Jen."
Chaeng is everything good in my life. What will happen when she's not here? Will all the holes she's filled in my life feel hollow again? I pop a few pieces of cereal into my mouth and smirk. "I can't imagine there's anyone better than you, but I like how you think. Even if some of the lovemaking is a mistake."
Chaeng shrugs. "Two birds. One stone."
I shake my head. "Where were you when I needed this advice? When my mom was too busy being a truly horrible person?"
"Well, I don't want you to think of me as a mom … that makes me feel old. Big sister?"
Too late. Chaeng's everything.
"Big sister it is." I slip behind her and wrap my arms around her narrow shoulders, giving her a gentle hug while kissing her cheek. "Do you think we were friends in another life? I feel like everything is easy with you, like I could tell you anything."
Like I could tell you I'm living out of my car.
But I don't, even though I feel everything in my life is more manageable when I share it with her. Chaeng has a way of reducing mountain-sized problems into boulders … minor bumps in the road.
"I do," she says. "I think we were … something. But it's just going to be you again. Okay? Don't let yourself stay in a rut. Think of the mistakes I made, all the things I wish I would have done differently. Then you do it better. When you're questioning your purpose or can't see which direction you're headed, pack up your crap and change the scenery. I regret the times I spent trying to repaint the same canvas." Chaeng sighs. "But for now, be done." She turns as I release her. "No more cleaning today."
"But I'm not done." With a firm smile, I try to hold my ground. I know she's getting ready to suggest something that will prevent me from doing my real job, something that will make it hard to accept my paycheck when Lisa hands it to me with a sincere thank you. How many bosses thank their employees every week? One.
Just one.
Lisa Manoban.
When she thanks me, it feels like she's thanking me for so much more than dusting and running the vacuum.
"This afternoon, there's nothing to clean and cancer doesn't exist."
My eyes narrow just enough to make me feel responsible for a few seconds. "Well … I definitely like the part where you don't have cancer, but Lisa coming home to a half-clean house doesn't sound as appealing."
"Screw Lisa."
I giggle. "As appealing as that sounds …"
Chaeng's eyes widen, and her jaw relaxes into an undecipherable expression.
"Joking … I'm completely joking. Please tell me you know I'm joking."
Closing her mouth, she covers it with her hand as she snorts a laugh.
Thank god. She knows I'm joking.
"I'm sure Lisa could use a good screw about now. It's been a long time."
My cheeks flush. We haven't talked about sex—well, her sex life—which is surprising because we talk about everything else.
"She still thinks she could break me. I'm fragile, but not that fragile. And I can't think of a better way to go than dying from sex."
A giggle sneaks past my lips even though this topic feels a little inappropriate and morbid.
On another dreamy sigh, she continues, "It's hard to explain how losing my breasts crushed me, not because clothes would never fit right again. Not because I worried about people noticing. No … it was knowing that a part of me, which brought Lisa so much pleasure, was gone—like cancer stole a piece of our intimacy. Not that she's ever looked at me with anything but complete love and desire. It's different than other cancers that leave internal scars but stay hidden in places we can't see. Nope. We can't be intimate and not see—not feel—it in the most physical way.
"I worried so much about her. I worried she would miss my breasts and feel wrong about ever admitting it. Then one day, I was looking in our bathroom mirror after a shower, and I said, 'I miss my breasts.' She glanced up while buttoning her jeans, and she replied, 'I do too, but not as much as I'd miss you.' And oh my god … I nearly died. I didn't expect her to admit it. But the fact that she did—that she was honest with me—then followed it up with that last part …" She shakes her head again, tears in her eyes. "I fell in love with her harder than I did the first time."
Chaeng swallows hard several times, fighting to keep the emotions from having their way.
"Well …" I twist my lips, nose wrinkled. "That's just the cheesiest thing I've ever heard someone say."
It was epic. And we both know it.
Chaeng groans and rolls her eyes. "I know, right? Like, come on. Who says that? Try to be a little more original, Lisa. Total cheeseball." Her smile says thank you for lightening the mood. Her smile reminds me that we agreed I would not be a maid this afternoon and she would not have cancer.
"Movie. Sugary coffee drinks …" I tap my chin with my finger.
"Mani-pedi?"
I nod slowly. "I like how you think."
"My car or yours?"
Gulp …
"My car is loaded with cleaning supplies. It's a mess, and I'd have to clean it out just to fit you in it. So maybe we should take your car, or I'm totally cool with paying for an Uber."
Chaeng stands and shuffles her feet slowly toward her bedroom. "We can take my car."
Thank god …
..
After an unforgettable afternoon with my new BFF, I work out at the gym, shower, and meet JK at his apartment for a surprise. Our relationship has been a little rocky over the past few weeks, and I blame Lisa and Chaeng for showing me what my life is missing … a life.
Okay, I might blame myself more. I should just be honest with everyone about my living condition and financial situation and see who stands by me. I already know the answer. JK will leave me, and Chaeng will attempt to adopt me like an abandoned puppy. All I really need is a shower. Maybe I can start cleaning my clients' bathrooms with the door locked and grab a shower.
JK's not the best for my self-esteem. The sex is good, and the conversations we have are okay. Still, I can't help feeling like I'm doing it all for the gym membership, aka locker room privileges. Does that make me a horrible person? Or just a survivor?
"There's my girl." JK pulls me into his arms the second he opens the door to his apartment. He palms my ass as he kisses me, and I hope he's not wondering when I will lube up again and let him in the back door.
"So, what's the surprise?" I wriggle out of his hold and set my handbag on his sofa. "You said you have a surprise for me." I give him a curious expression while praying that it's not a new sex position. I envision him with a bag of sex toys like butt plugs, nipple clamps—and a gag for my mouth so he doesn't have to listen to me question every move he makes.
"Do you remember our first date? What you said you wanted?"
No. And I can't believe he remembers.
"Um …" I pinch my bottom lip between my fingers. "I'm sure I said many things on our first date—like how I want to travel the world and work on my photography portfolio. Do you know someone looking for a photographer?"
"No, Jen. I'm talking about something else."
I nod slowly. "Okay …"
He grins like a young boy. I don't get to see this side of JK very often, and it's moderately endearing. So I feel lucky to be the recipient of this level of happiness. Still, I have no clue what surprise he has in store for me.
"Stay here and close your eyes."
As I close my eyes, a zing of excitement rushes through my veins. I do like surprises.
"Okay. Keep 'em closed and hold out your hands."
Holding my hands out, I shiver, a little giddy. Then something warm and furry touches my skin, and my eyes fly open.
"Surprise!" JK smirks like he's the god of gifts.
"You got a cat?" I hug the white and black patched kitten to my chest, nuzzling my nose in her hair.
"Well," he chuckles, "I got a cat for you."
"For me?" I no longer feel as smitten with the kitten because I fear what he means.
"On our first date, you said you liked cats and wanted to adopt one someday."
I did say that. Now, let's break it down. I wanted to do the adopting. And someday is not today, when my current residence is my car. Unless you're married or living together, you don't buy someone a living, breathing creature. That's a huge fucking responsibility.
"I … I can't believe you got me a cat."
"I feel bad about how things have been between us lately. I've been working nonstop, and I've kinda been a dick about you staying the night."
I stare at him with a slow nod and an equally slow raise of my eyebrows. "You're going to let me stay over? Is this our cat?"
"God, no! I'm actually a little allergic to cats … all pets, really. I just thought you'd feel less lonely at your own place if you had a cat. I mean … that's why you said you wanted one, right?"
"I'm …"
Say it! I try so hard to get the nerve to tell him the truth as the kitten sniffs my chin, tickling me with her whiskers. Her … I'm not sure if it's a her.
"Speechless?" JK looks so proud of himself. In his own special way, I'm sure this is a huge gesture and show of love.
"So speechless." I reposition the cat only to see that it's a boy. He got me a tomcat? Figures. I wanted a female cat, but it's really not my biggest problem. It's mid-summer in Atlanta. Hot as fuck. I live out of my car. I don't know if I can train my cat to do its business outside like one can train a dog. A litter box in my car is a bit too much. And what the hell am I supposed to do with him during the day when I'm working? Leaving him in my car is not an option.
"Why don't you look as happy as I thought you'd be?"
I shrug while offering a nervous laugh. "Sorry. It's quite something that you remembered that little nugget of information from our first date, and I'm probably just in shock. That's all."
JK frowns. "I expected high-pitched squealing, hugs, kisses, maybe other kinds of gratitude." He waggles his eyebrows.
Really? Does he really expect sexual favors for a cat? I should buy him a gift certificate for a new tattoo and expect him to let me move in with him. How would he like that?
"Well, now I have a cat. What am I supposed to do with her…" I wrinkle my nose "…him while expressing other forms of gratitude?"
JK's mouth opens to speak, but I cut him off.
"I think it's best if I get this little guy home, and we hang out another night."
Never. I'm breaking up with him right now; he just doesn't know it yet. Screw it. I'll use body wipes until I figure out an alternative plan. I can't risk him buying me a sofa or something else for a place I don't have. Later, I will send him a lengthy message after I give my explanation more thought. It will go something like this:
Dear JK,
Thanks for the cat and the gym membership. I will always remember you as my first anal partner. I think we have different needs at the moment. Best of luck with your quest to own your own gym. It's been fun. —Jen
P.S. I've been living out of my car for nearly three months, and I have epilepsy.
I'm just spitballing. I might tweak a few parts of it, hence the need to give it some more thought. I'm living a lie, waiting to get caught, and I can't go on any longer. What if I have a seizure? What if he gets some harebrained idea and decides to come to my house, a trailer where someone else lives now?
It's all too much work for just a shower.
"I can put the cat back in the box, and it won't take that long." He reaches for the cat.
My jaw unhinges. "You've kept him in a box? Are you serious? What is wrong with you?" I won't elaborate by telling him the way to a woman's sexual soul is not with the words: It won't take that long.
With an eye roll, JK parks a hand on his hip. "There are holes in the box. I'm not an idiot, Jen."
"I just can't. I'm too excited." My words hold no excitement, so I nuzzle my nose into the cat's neck and bring out the baby talk. "You don't want to go into a box, do you? No. Not my little guy. We need to get home and name you." Shooting JK an apologetic smile, I sigh. "Sorry. Rain check?"
JK's nose twitches, and he sniffles. "Yeah, it might be a good idea. My allergies are already acting up."
This really highlights the seriousness of our relationship and how it's on a one-way track to nowhere. What if this cat lives ten years, give or take? Are we really planning on staying together but living separately for that long? Or would I have to get rid of the very cat he gave me if we moved in together or got married?
"Thanks again." I step forward to kiss him, but he backs away, eyes turning red. I try to keep from laughing at the insane irony of the whole situation.
"Later." He returns a stiff smile. Is it possible that he, too, is questioning his decision?
..
..
..