Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., You know, I am hooked on you… Nah, I am hooked on your puppets. Honestly, I wouldn't have a clue what to do with you if I had. You know, different circles and all that rot. And I am too bloody old to be a boy toy… I'll shut up and go ahead with the story, for free of course.

Previous:

I wrote my Will, Daphne got her million or two, Hermione her books, everyone got a piece of me. I felt like bloody Santa.

Xxxxx

I opened my eyes when I heard a voice: "Robe Me." SHIT!

14 Robed.

I closed my eyes again, stood still, and let the memories rush in, I felt some fabric go over my head, while the memories slammed into my head. I realized I am in deep shit. Repressing my headache, I opened my eyes to the opening stage. Very gloomy indeed, a dark cemetery, a big motherfucking big Cauldron, Wormtail sobbing on the ground, a dead Diggory, and Harry fucking Potter tied up at a tombstone.

I looked down and saw two big bare feet, I'm not joking, but these feet were huge! Bozo the clown would pay big bucks to have a pair of those! The robe Wormtail threw over me made me look more like Friar Tuck.

Except for my face and hands, going by the look of my hands and feet, I bet the title of Mister Universe has to wait for a few decades. Pale, long bony fingers, those would make pianists green with envy, long toes… the first one that makes a foot joke will get a Crucio on his ass.

I sighed, I am Tom Freaking Riddle! The worst part? Those death eaters felt the mark come back alive and expected to be called. Memories of how to do spells flowed in, the three main ones are easy now…

"Your arm, Wormtail," I said, I better follow the script for a bit, "No the other one, there, let's find out who will come, and who dares to stay away."

What comes next… Ah, the monologue with Harry: "You see Harry, my real… nah they are not family, just some glorified servants." I whispered, "But don't tell them that, you know, it is bad for morale. There are the first ones, all dressed up. Excuse me I have to greet my loyal followers."

I left a shell-shocked Harry behind and faced my terrified minions: "Welcome my loyal death eaters, I am surprised by the speed of your arrival, less than ten minutes! The last time I needed your services it took thirteen years before only one showed up! Worst of all, he did it as a last resort, didn't you Wormtail?"

I gave him a good kick, Crap! I stepped on a pointy pebble, I need new shoes, too bad I can only find a fitting pair in the clown section.

"But," I said, "Don't let it be said that Lord Voldemort isn't rewarding a task well done." I concentrated on my memory of the spell and gave Wormtail his silver paw.

"Thank you, my Lord, it is beautiful." Sniveled Wormtail when he took place outside the circle.

I turned to my inner circle: "Now, one by one, explain why I had to survive as a wraith for thirteen years, while you were getting fat on the work I have done. Lucius, my slippery friend, the tales I heard about you, Not, Parkinson, Avery, McNair, Goyle, Crabbe, THIRTEEN YEARS! Expect some suffering, expect some pain before I forgive."

Avery groveled at my feet: "Forgive me, my Lord! It won't happen again! Have Mercy!" Ah! My first Crucio volunteer, that tosser is drooling on my bloody toes! "CRUCIO!" Ok, how long do I hold that spell? Is it like food that you drop on the floor? Like the five-second rule, after five seconds, it gets germs they say. Totally not true! I know people where you can eat your food from their floor with no problems at all, and I know people who have their food contaminated the moment you put it on their plate.

Where was I?… Crap! I released the spell and cast the counter-spell to ease the nerve ends. Note to myself, keep track of time when doing a Crucio, or focus when casting it. Avery crawled back to his place.

Lucius tried to divert my attention from torture, I admit, Crucio-ing that creep felt good… I have to try that Kadavra spell… Hmm, maybe later, focus Dude!

"My Lord, how did you accomplish this amazing feat? We feared everything was lost when we could not find a trace of you, what powerful ritual made this possible?"

Alright, this calls for some serious bullshitting, I have to mix Canon with Fan Fiction to spin it in my favor.

"Ah, Lucius, it ended and restarted with my guest of honor, Harry Potter. I spent quite some years pondering what happened. My conclusion? Dumbledore set a trap for me, beautifully orchestrated I even might say."

I turned to Harry and continued: "You see, on an evening in July 81, one of my Junior Death eaters reported that he overheard a prophecy about a boy being born as the seventh month dies. A boy able to vanquish me. A prophecy spoken by Sibyl Trelawney to Dumbledore during a job interview at the Hogshead. The Junior only heard the first part, but it was enough to limit my targets to two, Neville Longbottom and Harry Potter. Baby Harry was closest to the end of July, so I picked him as my first target."

They are hanging on my lips… fuck! I don't have lips! Or even a fucking nose! Let's get on with my story, I started to pace between Harry and my crew… I stopped pacing, there was too much gravel on the ground with sharp points, limping was not an option, that would ruin my style.

"You all well know how that ended for me, pain, worse than a Crucio, getting ripped out of your body and dwelling on the earth for THIRTEEN YEARS!" Boy, I love the way they shrink when I shout it out like that.

"I used the boy to get my body back, to prove my superiority, I had him entered in the Tri-Wizard tournament, and let him win it. Right under Dumbledore's nose. And yet, this is just what Dumbledore wants. This is one big scheme of Dumbledore. My year as Quirrell and the two years' worth of intel from Wormtail paint a worrying picture. Let's find out if I have it right."

"Harry, My Boy! I want to make a bet with you, in less than an hour you will know that it was not me that was responsible for your parent's death, but Dumbledore's. Well? Do you want to bet on it? My Boy?"

Harry glared at me: "I know you killed them! I see it every time a Dementor is close to me. What are we betting for?"

I smiled: "Simple, if I win, you make an unbreakable vow with me to keep everything that has happened here a secret, I can lock that away in your brain, and you will take your revenge on Dumbledore first. If I lose, then I'll give you time until you graduate before I will go after you. Do we have a deal?"

"What if I don't want to bet with you?" he asked suspiciously.

I shrugged: "Then I'll slit your throat, right here, right now. Or do you prefer a bit of Crucio first? I am quite fond of that spell." Is that cruel enough?

Yep, the kid swallows and says: "I'll take the bet." Hah, the kid almost pissed his pants, I must compliment his bladder control.

I smiled: "I knew you saw it my way once you thought it through. OK, to start, let's get some facts right, Dumbledore is a paradise bird, don't you agree? He is always dressed as if a rainbow pissed on him, in other words, he loves to show off. Therefore, he does all his job interviews in his office, so he can look important. Why did he that interview in the Hogshead? A pub his brother Abersford Dumbledore owns?"

I saw Harry getting interested, I continued: "Sibyl, the poor soul, she can't predict what clothes she is going to wear the next day, let alone who can kill a Dark Lord. No, My Boy, this was a staged event, meant to be overheard by that Junior Death Eater, timed so that he only heard the first part."

"The bait worked, though, and I went foolishly after your parents. Yes, your mother did an ancient sacrificial ritual, offering both James Potter's and Lily Evans's lives in exchange for your life. Well, Harry, My Boy, who taught them that ritual? I burned Potter Manor down in April, so there were no ancient books anymore. Yes, Harry, My Boy, Dumbledore provided the ritual."

I looked at Wormtail and grinned: "Imagine my surprise that Wormtail informed me that he was the secret keeper for that Fidelius spell on the cottage, Wormtail! Tell us who recommended you as secret keeper and who cast that spell?"

"It was Dumbledore, My Lord, James wanted Sirius, but halfway, Sirius changed his mind and agreed with Dumbledore. A day later, Dumbledore cast the spell, with me as the secret keeper."

The look of horror, changing into anger was amusing to witness, I added: "Did you know that Your Hero Dumbledore is an expert in Legilimence? That means he can read your thoughts and memories without trouble, Harry, My Boy. Yes, that means he could read Wormtail like an open book. I even used Wormtail to plant false information for your Hero. He knew that Wormtail changed sides when he made him a secret keeper."

Is it true? Probably, Peter was a weak-minded boy, that sucked people's ass to better himself. And Dumbledore is an expert mind reader, no doubt about that.

This will shock his pants off: "It gets better, Harry, My Boy, guess who dropped you off on your Aunts doorstep? On November first? At night? In a basket? With a letter? Without even knocking on the door? You guessed it, My Boy! It was your Hero Dumbledore!"

"He seals your parents Will and claims Magical Guardianship of you, Harry, his Boy. What about Godfather Sirius or Godmother Alice you ask? Easy, Sirius gets relocated to Azkaban, and Alice gets a new home in St Mungoos. Guess who helped them to get there? Dumbledore! Black got arrested on the 3rd of November, and Bellatrix lobotomized your Godmother on the fifth. Well after you got dumped at your Aunty, isn't it?"

"Let us talk about your life, Harry, My boy, How many times did your Magical Guardian visit you at your Aunty to see if you are well taken care of? By law, it had to be at least six times a year. He had to oversee your welfare, food, clothing, and mental care. He is also responsible for educating you in the wizarding customs, or at least hiring tutors to teach you."

I turned to my Death Eaters and laughed: "I was in the Leaky Cauldron when that oaf Hagrid led this boy in on his eleventh birthday, a small, scared, skinny boy dressed in rags. The kid was clearly abused and starved by his relatives."

"Well, Harry, My boy? You, Heir to one of the top twenty of the richest Most Ancient, and Most Noble Houses, did Dumbledore visit you all these years? Did they feed you? Bought you new clothes? What did they do when you had a bout of accidental Magic? Tell me, My Boy, did you like your bed under the stairs?"

"My friends, here stands Dumbledore's Champion, According to the Boy-Who-Lives books, he is trained in ancient Magics from his second birthday, and yet he had trouble changing a matchstick into a needle in his first year. Why did Dumbledore refuse to train him? Yes, because of that famous scar. In that scar is an imprint of my Magic locked, encased behind his Mother's protection."

"And that is why Dumbledore wants you small and weak, My Boy, you are nothing more than the carrot that I have to chase so that Dumbledore can invent a complicated plan to get me killed."

I rubbed Harry's hair: "Feel free to ask for confirmation, My Boy, Susan Bones for example, or the Greengrass heir, they are in the neutral faction, Smith, Zabini, or even your Godfather if you will. Not your minder Weasley though, he is Dumbledore's hired help to keep you lazy and stupid."

I softly asked: "What do you want to be, Harry Potter, a puppet or your own man?"

With tears in his eyes, he mumbled: "That can't be true, it can't be."

"Oh," I said out loud, "You still don't believe me? What about your first year? Who gave you your cloak? Ah, but why was that cloak not with your parents? Surely your mother could have escaped with you if she had that cloak."

I called out: "Lucius, here is a bit of news for you, did you know that your son with Harry, My Boy, a Weasley, and a Mudblood were sent into the forbidden forest after dark, to track something that was killing Unicorns? But Draco and Harry, My Boy got protection, a big dog followed them."

"What!" Shouted Malfoy, "I never heard of this, are they out of their minds? Why didn't he write home about it? I'll have that bastard's job for putting Draco in danger!"

I nodded: "That is only one occasion nobody wrote home about isn't it Harry? What about the third-floor corridor that is off-limits if you don't want to die a gruesome death? Guarded by a Cerberus behind a door a firstie can open after two months of school. Or the Troll at Samhain, where I called out that there is a Troll loose in the dungeons, and Dumbledore sends the Hufflepuffs and Slytherins to their common rooms, who happens to be located in the dungeons."

"Second years was a blast too," I continued, "Poor Harry got accused of being the Heir of Slytherin, because he speaks to snakes, Dumbledore in all his wisdom fools him into believing it is the scar's fault. Well, Harry, My Boy? Did he even try to tell everyone you were not the Heir? Is it normal to let someone be petrified for seven months? Did he try to get Black a trial? That is in his power you know, but then again, that would mean that you could live with Black instead of your loving Aunty and friendly uncle."

I used the last nail in his coffin: "Did you know Dumbledore could cancel the Champion selection based on irregularities? They could start it all over, even only allowing the three champions to enter their name. Did he tell you that you are declared of age because they forced you to compete with adults? Oh, yes, Lord Potter, those are the details Dumbledore is so happy to forget to mention. He could just disqualify you, that too was in his rights to do."

I rubbed his hair again: "No, Dumbledore wants his Boy meek and weak, and most of all, following him as a newborn duckling. What do you think, Harry, My Boy? Am I right or wrong?"

My Death Eaters were amused at my attempt to turn the Harry Potter to the Dark Side. Poor Harry's world crashed down around him, this is really from Hero to Zero to him, All my comments struck home like a ton of bricks, I could talk for hours, but his time is running out.

"Tell me now, Harry, My boy, the freak of Petunia and Vernon, the prey of the Harry hunts, puppet of the old bastard. Here is another tip, the one that told the Prophecy to me is teaching potions, Does that sound familiar?"

A low blow, I admit, but Snape allegedly turned into a spy for Albus, so I throw him under Truck San.

"WHAT? That bastard betrayed my parents and now he is being pampered by the Headmaster? I kill him and that old man! You bloody win, alright! YOU WIN!"

There we have it! Being mean is fun! What do I mess up next… "Prepare for that vow, My Boy, I won my bet. Darius Not will be our Binder, I know that Malfoy is not exactly your friend, is he?"

Darius Not guided Harry through the vow, after that, I locked the Memory away behind a wall protected with a Parseltongue password. For a sociopath he has a lot of talent, too bad he lost his nose and lips somewhere.

Man, conjure some shoes! With those feet, you can walk on water!… wait a minute, Robe Me? No Boxers? I am going commando? Why don't I feel any movement below? Carefully I went with my hands over my robes until my right hand went over my Dingeling… where my Dingeling is supposed to be… That bloody motherfucking moron removed his dick? Cool it, throw a tantrum later, we have some brainwashing to do, and at the moment I am in the mood to open a skull and give that brain a scrubbing.

"Here is your cover story, little puppet, someone tampered with the trophy, Wormtail was waiting for you and killed Diggory, never mind, you can take your revenge later on Dumbledore, without you we would not be here. You avoided the curses and made a run for it, Wormtail chased you, and after a mile, you circled around and took the Portkey back. Now, look at Wormtail… and obliviate. That can easily be undone. Of you go."

I saw Harry Portkey away with Diggory's body, I turned to my crew: "Wormtail, clean this mess up, remove all traces of the ritual, and Magics, Crabbe, Goyle, help him. Lucius, prepare your Mansion for my stay there, we need to have a conversation about a little book that you lost. The rest of you come tomorrow night to the Mansion. I have some things to do."

§Nagini, return to the mansion, we leave from there later.§ the bitch didn't even answer.

I looked a last time around and apparated away.

Xxxxx

The Gaunt shack was the same as I left it all those years ago, I rushed through the wards and traps, a simple finite in Parseltongue is enough, and a 'reveal yourself for Lord Slytherin' to get in the box. A few dispels later, and I have the resurrection stone in my hand. I know it won't work for me, I wore that ring for a year or two, I must have turned that ring a hundred times, I bet it needs something more, like claiming Lordship of house Slytherin or Peverell. He, no, I, failed to claim the Slytherin Lordship, the ring probably noticed some missing soul pieces.

Anyway, back at the Riddle Mansion, I have the most accessible Horcrux in my hand, the question is, what do we do with it? First things first, I lifted my skirt and inspected my equipment… sigh, nothing to brag with, that's for sure, the term Needle dick comes to mind, a few inches, and I bet when the blood flows in… that fucker did a ritual and offered his sex drive away!

I know that with every Grand Ritual, you need to sacrifice something of yourself, but boy did he get his priorities messed up! You should have offered half of your feet, moron! In my mindscape, I went over every ritual this tosser ever made. This fool is an addict! My only consolation is that I can lock all the memories of his murders away in my Mindscape.

I can confirm now that Tom, AKA, Me, was not hit with the crazy stick, no, he got smashed down with the demented tree trunk. Every Ritual he did was more dangerous than the previous one, I mean, Unicorn horn stolen from a live Unicorn? Forcing Fairies to aid in a ritual? Yeah, that is why I have these good looks, my Magic got amplified though. Personally, I preferred to keep my dick the way it was before, or my lips and nose. The Jean-Luc Picard look doesn't work for me either.

Xxxxx

I gathered Nagini and apparated to Malfoy's Mansion, I have some Crucio's to do concerning a Diary. Didn't that fool know that a Diary is sacred? No, maybe that is a girls-only thing. Ah, I am expected, the gates are opening for me. I have to get my priorities sorted… enlarging my Dingeling for one, getting a nose, lips would be nice, hair...