Yet another possible Fate/Stay Night crossover for you. This one, unlike Light the Blue Touch Paper and Run Like Hell, is based more on my Harry/Luna stories, namely Truth and Consequences, and Yin and Yang. The formula, as you might have noticed by now, is that Harry and Luna are married, Luna drags Harry into another adventure, which they have to survive. Hilarity ensues, both literally and figuratively.

I think this one, honestly, has more potential to it than Light the Blue Touch Paper..., simply because...well, we have less angst, more comedy, and a better reason to smash Nasuverse canon into fragments with a cricket bat. Who knows, this one might actually get published...

PERILS OF MAGICAL INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM

CHAPTER 1:

ESCAPE INTO DANGER

There are many mating calls throughout the animal kingdom, from beautiful to raucous, from elegant to the grotesque. But perhaps there are fewer unusual than the one tearing its way from the lips of a young man who had just finished vomiting on the footpath.

"Goddammit, Luna…" Harry Potter said, before he heaved again, depositing more mess on the concrete footpath.

"Harry, we need to get you over these travel sickness problems," Luna Lovegood, technically Luna Potter, replied with a too-cheerful smile, given the circumstances.

"There's a difference between travel sickness, Luna, and using an emergency Portkey shortly after being nearly drowned in dragon shit by irate breeders whose spaying practises you've exposed in The Quibbler," Harry said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for it, and for the automatic clothes cleaning, but still, I am nauseous. I'm puking things I don't think I have even eaten yet."

"Well, you'll be pleased to know we're not in England anymore," Luna said.

"…Why do I get the feeling that I'm not going to be pleased anyway?"

"Just your imagination," Luna said cheerfully.

"…You know, if this was me denying reality to you, it would be gaslighting," Harry remarked. "But with you doing it, it's…you."

Luna smirked. It was certainly an experience, Harry reflected, being married to Luna Lovegood. He broke off his relationship with Ginny for good after a year of trying to revive it after the Battle of Hogwarts. It took a while to mend bridges with the Weasleys after that. Hermione had married a Squib who had later become a scientist, of all things, and the two were doing groundbreaking research. It was actually through that Squib that Harry first heard about Magi, the 'cousins', so to speak, of wizards and witches. Both equally old-fashioned, both with their own pros and cons, and they fucking hated each other. It was rumoured that many Magi let Voldemort run around because they thought they would thin out the wizarding population substantially. Wizards thought that the Magi were cruel experimenters and meddlers in things nobody should, and the Magi thought wizards to be inbred hicks too scared to delve too deeply into magic.

At the time, his relationship with Luna had progressed to engagement, having surpassed the friends with benefits stage. It was while idly mentioning his discussion with Hermione's husband that Harry learned a shocking thing about Luna. Her family, from her mother's side, came from a long line of Magi. In fact, Luna's mother was a Homunculus, created by the von Einzberns, a notorious Magus family from Germany, known for their skill with Homunculi, their ruthlessness even by Magi standards, and their high-end ale. Luna needed some modifications to grow properly, though, as well as a charm to disguise her albino snow-white skin and her eyes, which were actually naturally red. Like Voldemort's, only on Luna, red eyes looked endearing. Harry eventually decided that being half-Homunculus merely explained a hell of a lot about the strange girl, and decided she was still all right in his book.

The relationship between Harry and Luna was considerably more complex than husband and wife. Indeed, Luna was the main breadwinner, as she turned The Quibbler into a major force for investigative journalism in Magical Britain. Harry still worked, not that he needed to with his family's money, mostly as a freelance bodyguard. He'd even been a bodyguard for Draco Malfoy, of all people, for a few memorable weeks. He usually acted as Luna's bodyguard, and general minder. It was like being the assistant to Hunter S Thompson, only with less drugs and violence, and more sex and crazy.

And in a way, Harry didn't mind it. It meant he was important for something other than being the Boy Who Lived, the so-called messiah of Magical Britain, slayer of Lord Voldemort, etc. And he and Luna complemented each other. Luna, deep down, was broken in many ways, and Harry was too. They fit together like the jagged edges of a jigsaw puzzle.

Still, there were a few things about their life that Harry could do without. Like revenge attacks by people who Luna pissed off in her articles. One of which they had just escaped. And the fact that Harry didn't know where the freaking fuck he was. Again. Though the road sign in what had to be Japanese helped narrow it down.

"Luna," he began in a long-suffering tone, knowing the answer would make him more annoyed than ever, "why are we in Japan?"

"Umm, because Uncle Zelretch programmed the Portkey for Japan?"

Oh yes. Of course. It had to be Luna's Uncle Zelretch who did this. When Harry first met the old man who was like Dumbledore with a shorter beard, twinkling red eyes, and a perpetual smirk that seemed like it belonged on Sirius Black, he wasn't actually surprised that Luna's honorary uncle was actually a vampire. Or, for that matter, a vampire of a particular variety known as a 'Dead Apostle Ancestor'. Then again, save for the blood red eyes and the occasional predatory look in them, Zelretch was actually all right for a vampire. The predatory gleam usually meant that he was looking for a new victim, not to suck blood from, but to prank the ever-loving fuck out of them.

He would have fit right in with the Marauders. Indeed, Zelretch had actually employed Remus Lupin immediately after he was forced to resign from Hogwarts, as a research assistant. When Harry asked why, Zelretch claimed (albeit with a pseudo-Dumbledoresque twinkle in his sanguine eyes) that he wanted to prank people who believed a werewolf and a vampire couldn't get along. Indeed, apparently Lupin and Zelretch pranked a lot of people at Clock Tower, and Zelretch had been forced to dismiss Lupin on the orders of Barthomeloi Lorelei, the so-called Queen of Clock Tower. Even so, Zelretch was named by Lupin as the second godfather of Teddy Lupin, much to the horror of Andromeda Tonks. That was the first time Harry heard of Zelretch, though he only met him for the first time through Luna.

"Luna…at the risk of regretting my question, why did Zelretch set the emergency Portkey to Japan?" Harry asked tentatively.

"Because my next big exposé was to be in Japan," Luna said with a wide grin. "I was going to do a special article on the upcoming Fuyuki Holy Grail War. Uncle Zelretch claimed it was going to be starting fifty years ahead of schedule."

Harry stared at her incredulously. While he was all for investigative journalism, doing so about a war sounded like a bad idea, if one was about to get caught up in the middle of it. And given his bad luck, and both of their tendencies to attract trouble like blowflies to a corpse, he knew something was going to go badly wrong. "…And you didn't see fit to ask me?"

Luna shrugged. "Uncle Zelretch said that it's better to seek forgiveness than permission. Your creed as well as mine. Anyway, you weren't complaining when I gave you that surprise in the shower two nights ago."

"I've gotten used to those," Harry said.

"Oh. I might have to change it up a bit, then." Luna then peered behind him. Her face lost its smile, instead having a mask of mild concern. Experience as the spouse and minder of Luna Lovegood (despite being married to him, she kept her maiden name, simply because she thought of Luna Potter as not odd enough) had given him the ability to determine whether her concern meant that he had a psychotic Nundu charging behind him, or whether she had just noticed something fall off a nearby shelf. Judging by her look, what was currently behind him was not immediately dangerous, and indeed might be in need of assistance.

He turned to find a strange figure behind him. Not as strange as some of those he had experienced during his life, even when at Hogwarts, though by mundane standards, the blue robes and dark hooded cloak were strange and old-fashioned. It was a woman, her face mostly hidden by the hood of her cloak, though the lower part of her face was visible, along with strands of light blue hair. There was also a strange sense of fatigue about her, as if she was running out of energy. Subtle, nothing as explicit as breathing heavily, but there was an instability to her stance that spoke of exhaustion.

The woman spoke in accented English. Not a Japanese accent by any means, but one that sounded odd all the same. "You two…what are you? Magi?"

"I'm a witch, he's a wizard," Luna said. She tilted her head. "Are you a Servant?"

After a brief moment, the woman nodded her hooded head. "Caster."

"Gesundheit?" Harry asked.

Luna ignored him, skipping merrily over to the woman, and peered at her. The woman pursed her lips in what could have been annoyance, bemusement, or even amusement, or all of the above. "Just out of interest, how do you feel about having a ménage à trois?"

In the silence that followed, Harry said, "Luna, we are NOT making this woman a sex slave. Why the hell did you call this poor woman a Servant?"

"Because she is one. Oh, that's right. I didn't tell you about Heaven's Feel."

"…Is that anything to do with that plan you had to grope an angel?"

"No, no. Though thanks for reminding me," Luna said with a smile.

The woman in the hooded cloak turned her attention to Harry. "If she is your wife or concubine, I pity you. But time is of the essence. I require one of you to become my Master. Preferably the sane one."

"Luna's not insane, she's…just a little reality-impaired," Harry said, Luna beaming all the while.

After a brief pause, the woman said, "I stand by my earlier statement."

"Yeah, but…I have issues about having servants."

"Oh, I cannot tarry any longer!" the woman said exasperatedly. "I need your help, or I will soon vanish from this plane of existence, and to be perfectly honest, I would prefer to remain here for a little while longer yet. Can I put it any more bluntly than that?"

"Oh." Harry blinked. But before he could do anything, Luna skipped merrily over, and kissed the woman in a rather passionate manner. The woman seemed as surprised at this as Harry was, so much so that her hood fell back.

Harry stared at the woman's face. Long blue hair framed a face that was both regally beautiful and rather lugubrious. Her eyes added to this, a melancholy, beautiful blue. But her ears were the oddest feature, being pointed, rather like an elf's ears.

When Luna broke off the kiss, the woman seemed to blink rapidly, her eyes seemingly threatening to roll into the back of her head. "Ah," the woman said. "Well, that is one way to supply me with a…hmm, what is an appropriate colloquialism?"

"A TARDIS-load?" Luna supplied.

After a moment, the woman decided to go with it. "…Right. A TARDIS-load of prana."

Harry, meanwhile, frowned as he noticed something on Luna's hand. "Luna…since when did you get an ominous-looking demonic tattoo?"

"Oh, this?" Luna said. "They are Command Seals. I got them when I agreed to become Caster's Master."

"…Is that her name? Caster?"

"In much the same way as Boy Who Lived is your name, yes," Luna said. "Her real name, though, is Medea of Colchis. You may remember her from such legends as Jason and the Argonauts, and a supporting role in the myth of Theseus. Yet another woman in Greek myth royally screwed over by gods and mortals alike. Actually, yet another woman screwed over by history." She cocked her head. "Did you hear that noise?"

"What noise?" Harry and Caster…well, Medea, who looked rather shocked at Luna's blasé reveal of her identity, said simultaneously.

"All those women obscured or maligned unnecessarily by history and myth all sneezing at once," Luna said.

Medea looked askance at Luna, before saying, "I appreciate the sentiment, but you know that you are now my Master, and all that entails."

"Of course."

Harry put his hand up. "Umm, I didn't get the memo. Can I have the abridged version?"

"Oh, well, you know that Holy Grail War thing I wanted to cover for The Quibbler, Harry? Well, as of now, we're participating in it!"

Harry stared at Luna, and then at Medea, who seemed to be giving him a pitying look, before looking back at Luna, before giving voice to his thoughts in the only way he could, given the circumstances.

"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck."

CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:

So, here you have it. I originally intended, as with Light the Blue Touch Paper…, for Harry to be Medea's Master. But the thought of Luna snogging Medea (as she does with Lust in Truth and Consequences, and Poison Ivy in Yin and Yang) was too appealing to pass up. Luna's the kind of person to French-kiss a Basilisk just to see what it'd taste like. Well, she IS a Ravenclaw with a strange sense of what is considered dangerous. And considering Casters require more strategic skills to make up for their crappy ability to fight under normal circumstances, it suits Luna, a Ravenclaw, to be paired up with one.

But who will Harry's Servant be? And how will they affect Heaven's Feel? You'll see.

As of writing this (but before I publish this as a story rather than a sample chapter), I have obtained Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works Part 1 on DVD.

No numbered annotations this time.