As I have noted before, time and time again, I do NOT do challenges normally. That being said, there are small exceptions to the rule, and this story was inspired by DZ2's Eyeballs to Entrails Challenge, though I do not intend to follow ALL of the rules of said challenge, so this is not answering it. However, I have asked permission from DZ2 to write it my way, and have received it. Therefore, it is not a full response, but rather, just inspired by it and based on it.

The gist of the challenge was basically to have Luna Lovegood turned into a vampire, and the first person she would turn would be Harry. Luna would be not unlike Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However, having not watched the series, nor do I have any desire or inclination to do so, I still wanted to do my own take on a semi-insane vampire Luna Lovegood. Therefore, I took my inspiration from elsewhere. The vampires of this story are particularly based on those from Hellsing, albeit with a lot of modifications, and fans of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, as well as my crossover stories Haemophilia and The Uncertainty Principle, will be delighted to learn that Luna is partially based on Abridged Alucard, along with other violent and semi-insane characters (like Tiny Tina from the Borderlands games, for example, or maybe Deadpool).

This WILL be a cracky fic. Oh, it will certainly have a lot of horror, violence, pathos, bashing, and dubious magicryptozoology, but for some reason, vampire Luna seems to lend herself very well to dark comedy. Also, if this gets posted as a full story, it will be posted as a pure Harry Potter fic, if only because the crossovers are more as references.

Incidentally, for those of you interested in the original challenge, look it up here: topic/184815/159757359/1/Eyeballs-to-Entrails

ON THE DELIGHTS OF DRINKING BLOOD

CHAPTER 1:

ON THE INADVISABILITY OF DRINKING SEER'S BLOOD

Thomas Smith, once better known (during his metaphorical 5 minutes of fame, which was closer to five weeks, but still pretty ephemeral in the fame stakes) as Tom the Bomb when he was part of the short-lived shock rock group Nuclear Arsenal, had partaken of a variety of drugs in his time. Of course, once he became a vampire, the only drug he needed was blood. But during his lifetime, he had taken a number of drugs. It was one of his dalliances with lysergic acid diethylamide while watching Arthur Brown scream about being 'the God of Hellfire' on Top of the Pops(1) that inspired him to form Nuclear Arsenal (a band one critic claimed would be like a nuclear weapon going off: all the exciting bits over in a flash, but with unwanted contamination lingering for decades if not centuries to come, a not-inaccurate assessment as it turned out).

If he was lucid enough to describe the effects of intoxication he was feeling after drinking this girl's blood, he would have described it as some bizarre combination of being drunk, and being high on a particularly potent hallucinogen. He was now forty-seven years old, though he looked perhaps half that thanks to being turned at a relatively young age, but he acted like a petulant teenager most of the time, and his sire had given up on teaching him a number of the various rules and truisms fledgling vampires should abide by. So he could be forgiven for not knowing a relatively minor rule.

Never drink the blood of a seer.

The reason for this was interesting. Vampires didn't just drink blood: they could absorb the souls of their victims, should they wish to, and view the memories of their victims. They could also use said absorbed victims as familiars, as well as a means of avoiding death by sacrificing said familiar. Tom the Bomb (called Tom the Bum by many of his so-called peers) never really paid attention to his sire's lessons, and so didn't have a familiar to his name, though considering his desires for a harem of sexy vampire women, this was probably for the best. He just loved drinking blood and killing people. Of course, normal blood drinking would still transfer some memories, but he put those strange visions of other people's lives down to a bad acid flashback.

Anyway, the reason why drinking the blood of a seer was inadvisable was that seers absorbed information from many directions, from back, forth, and sideways in time. This was why seers made frustrating obtuse prophecies, when they had them at all. They could also see things that were there…but nobody else could.

Now, Tom the Bomb, who fancied himself a latter-day Byron (he certainly indulged in excesses even the notoriously hedonistic and unhinged Lord Byron would have flinched at, but he didn't have Byron's skill at poetry, sadly), had come across this father/daughter pair while at the Quidditch World Cup. Most if not all vampires were aware of wizards, and Tom decided that the World Cup might be a good place to find victims. After all, he had eaten his share of wizards. They tasted rather delectable, presumably due to the magic inside them. So before making his attack, he donned his warpaint (well, his facepaint from back when he was the lead singer of Nuclear Arsenal), dumped a fuckton of glitter onto himself, and had waited for an opportune moment.

After the game, and a bunch of Death Eaters started causing chaos, Tom found it a good opportunity to abduct the father and daughter, and took them into a secluded area of the woods, whereupon he broke the man's neck. Why? He wanted him alive but paralysed to witness his daughter's demise, and then drank the blood of the girl screaming for her daddy. Now, he didn't want to turn her. The few women he had managed to turn had parted ways with him shortly thereafter due to his obnoxious attitude (plus their insistence that, even if it was part of his vampire persona, vampires do NOT sparkle!), and he preferred his lovers to be at least twenty or up. No, he just wanted to kill her by drinking her blood.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that her blood had started to affect him, he lost control and turned her. He was unaware of that, though. He was babbling things that only made a small amount of sense, like "I CAN SEE THE FYOO-CHERRRR(2)!" and, "Veni! Veni! Veni!" He didn't realise that his would be victim had turned, and was about to turn the tables. Then again, perhaps it was for the best, for him, anyway…

Luna Lovegood was having a bad day. Though it started out as a good day, what with going to see the Quidditch World Cup finals, though she frequently found the mascots more entertaining than the game itself. Watching Veela get stroppy was frequently funny. But then, the Death Eaters attacked, and she and her father were pounced upon by this vampiric arsehole. He took them deeper into the woods, he broke her daddy's neck, and bit into her own. The pain was rather bad, she had to admit, and once the vampire had withdrawn, the turning hurt rather worse than the bite did. She idly wondered if this was how regeneration felt to the Doctor from Doctor Who in one of the few remotely lucid parts of her mind.

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, but was closer to about ten or fifteen minutes, she came to. Unsteadily, she got to her feet, absently wiping the blood from the puncture wounds on her neck, before looking at the vampire dancing around, singing something about a girl called Lucy being in the sky with diamonds.

Now, she had a choice. Should she drink his blood, or just kill him? Well, she was a growing girl. She needed blood, even if it was from a tainted source like her vampiric sire. So she promptly opened up her mouth, revealing a set of teeth that a shark would be proud of, jagged and sharp, before leaping onto the vampire and biting down onto his neck with a roar of "OM NOM NOM!"

It was over within seconds, and soon, Tom the Bomb had bombed out. She had all of his memories at his disposal (sadly, not too many were actually of use to her), and she had her first familiar. He was also going to be her first metaphysical meatshield.

Then, she remembered what she had forgotten in what was understandably a tsunami of all-consuming rage. Namely, her father. She rushed to his side in an instant, not noticing or caring about the blood and gore that painted her lips and chin. If she had the wit to realise it at the time, she would have been heartened to know that her father didn't care. But at the moment, she was worried that she was about to witness the death of another parent.

Luna cast a diagnostic spell. While she wasn't a trained Healer by any means, her father had taught her a few basic spells for first aid for their expeditions. And what they were telling her wasn't good. If she shifted him too much, his injury would get worse, changing him from a quadriplegic to dead. Using a Portkey or Apparition was out of the question, and a Body Bind might cause the injury to worsen when applied. The authorities were also having to deal with the riot, and she doubted they'd want to help Xenophilus Lovegood, noted conspiracy theorist and muckraker, or Luna 'Loony' Lovegood, now a vampire.

Seeing the dilemma in his daughter's eyes, Xenophilus Lovegood, who saw what had happened, and knew precisely what his daughter had turned into, rasped, "Luna…make me a familiar. That way…I'll always be with you."

Luna, somewhat reluctantly, despite the fact that part of her was really raring to partake of this freely-offered meal, opened her mouth, revealing once more the shark-like maw of a real fucking vampire, before she bit down hard on her father's neck.

She was ashamed to admit that his blood tasted fantastic.

The next morning, Luna and her father (who, being her familiar, could be given a physical body of his own) were back at the Rookery. She let her father out with his own physical body because less questions would be asked that way. And she didn't particularly want to go to an orphanage, or be adopted. After absorbing her father into the darkness that now filled her soul, she had, under his direction, created a Portkey that led back to Ottery St Catchpole.

She had spent that time thumbing through So, You're A Real Fucking Vampire Now, by Mr Alphonse Urquhart Card, the Brunested Sisters, and K Zelretch Schweinorg, a book which had fallen through a rift in time and space and into her bookshelf. Said rift was the temporary result of her mother's last experiment in spellcrafting.

Contrary to popular opinion, holy symbols and water did little to vampires. Sunlight just weakened them, but the same could be said for sedentary shut-ins in the sunlight-weakening stakes. A stake through the heart would be a threat to a fledgling, as would cutting off the head, so she had to be careful of that. Fire was a big threat, and so was Fiendfyre, but the latter was pretty much a threat to anything on this planet. It was basically the wizarding equivalent of napalm, albeit (barely) controllable, and the fire burned at temperatures a smelting furnace would envy.

Another misconception was that vampires didn't age. It was more that aging was wholly optional, which Luna found agreeable. If she didn't age, she would get to miss out on all sorts of fun stuff. She would just let herself age to some optimal age between her late teens and late twenties, and then stop. And she could eat normal food. It just wouldn't give her any nutritional value before coming out the other end. And considering how much she loved her puddings, she was grateful.

At the moment, she was looking at the section marked Dealing with Immortality. Much of the section could be boiled down to a single concept: Get a hobby.

Now, magicryptozoology would be a good long-term hobby, as would conspiracy theories (writing about them, investigating them, perhaps even instigating them now that her lifespan could be measured in centuries), but the book suggested variety would be good.

Luna pursed her lips. Should she pursue the path of the great Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged and insult everyone in Magical Britain in alphabetical order(3)? Take over the world using a children's card game? Unfortunately, she couldn't do the really fun stuff until she was older. Her daddy said so, and while he was now a familiar bound to her through vampiric haemophagy, she was still daddy's little girl. Which meant no summoning potentially amorous betentacled monstrosities from beyond time, space, and sanity until she was 18 at least.

She looked at one section under the hobbies section, where Mr Card had mentioned something about vampire hunting. Now, the trick to doing it in a fun way, as long as you've got a few thousand souls spare, is to hold back. You'll get the shit shot out of you, or carved out of you, and it's a bit painful, but trust me, the 'OH FUCK!' look on their faces afterwards when you start wrecking their shit is TOTALLY worth it.

That did have an interesting ring to it, vampire hunting…but Luna had her own thoughts about what to hunt. A smirk touched her features. Vampires always had some degree of bloodlust and loosening of morals, and combined with Luna's seer capabilities and her general oddness (which were only partly due to her seer abilities), it made for an unnerving combination.

You see, part of having the Sight meant that you were sensitive to all sorts of information, information the human brain, even one as lateral as Luna Lovegood's, was ill-equipped to interpret. But one thing she did know was that Magic was becoming stagnant, especially in Magical Britain. Between the Blood Purists and their hypocritical leader Voldemort on one side, and a certain old goat and his Greater Good on the other, the stasis quo had been maintained for far too long.

Luna Lovegood began to cackle, her malicious mirth echoing around the Rookery, until her father said, "My little bloodthirsty radish, I know sometimes you can't help yourself, but can you please erect wards before you start laughing in an evil manner? They already think we are insane, even if sanity is highly overrated, but if, say, the Weasleys hear that laughter, they may decide to call Dumbledore, and that will end badly."

Luna pouted, but did as she was bidden. Then, she started laughing evilly again. But her heart wasn't in it this time, having been interrupted earlier. She then began swearing profusely in an obscure language that hadn't been heard on the Earth (aside from obsessive linguistic scholars and fanboys) since the time Gilgamesh walked the planet, calling everyone in earshot mongrels.

Which was a crying shame, as the expletives were amongst the best ever committed to a language. English was lacking by comparison.

"Now, now, my little turnip, calm down. My mother certainly did nothing with oxen using a golden jewelled staff and rancid beef fat," Xenophilus chided gently. "I know you're frustrated, going through changes, you just don't need to be so vocal about it."

The syllables Luna uttered could be roughly translated to 'Fuck that for a laugh' in English, though it loses some of the poetry, elegance, and vehemence in translation. A small part of her mind was surprised at her own increasing vulgarity, but she guessed that was down to the vampirism loosening her inhibitions somewhat. Either that, or the shock of being turned gave her a bad case of coprolalia(4).

"Look, if you are going to keep talking like that young lady, you will get no pudding tonight."

Luna Lovegood's melodramatic wail of "NOOOOOOO!" was so strong, it actually broke the sound-dampening wards. In the Burrow, Molly Weasley heard it, believed it to be a Banshee, and took umbrage at what she considered to be unwanted competition…

CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:

Yeah, okay, this is VERY cracky. Hopefully, it entertained you guys. Luna's going to be the mutant offspring of so many crazy characters. Abridged Alucard, Tiny Tina from Borderlands (as you'll see in the next chapter), Missy from Doctor Who…yeah, fun times are ahead.

Now, while I am disregarding some of the rules of the challenge, one thing that will remain is that Luna's first fledgling WILL be Harry. Tom the Bomb and Xenophilus don't count: they are familiars.

1. I am referring, of course, to Arthur Brown's famous song Fire, which begins with him screaming "I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU…FIRE!" Top of the Pops was a music show that used to run on the BBC for decades. Unfortunately, it's not been without controversy, especially in recent years with the Jimmy Saville saga…

2. This is a reference to Dragonball Z: Bardock- Father of Goku Abridged.

3. Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged and his quest appeared in the Douglas Adams novel Life, the Universe, and Everything. Which, incidentally, was derived from an old, rejected Doctor Who script Adams wrote called Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen. No, really!

4. You know how people with Tourette's Syndrome are stereotypically shown to impulsively swear frequently? This is the technical term for that, though it only occurs in a small percentage of people with Tourette's Syndrome.