Chapter Twelve

summary:

-dealing with the loss of john

Lillian stood in front of the flames with her arms crossed between both her brothers. She was exhausted physically and emotionally. Her cheeks were glistening with tears as she watched John Winchesters body burn. There were so many thoughts going through her mind as she watched the fire. Her mind was racing as she was trying to comprehend her emotions. Depressed. Empty. Sad. Solemn. Guilty. Lillian mostly felt guilty standing there with her brothers.

Reaching her hand to her mouth to stifle a new sob, Sam came over and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. No words exchanged between them. She tore her eyes away from the fire and wrapped her arms around her brother for comfort, hiding her face in his side. Letting her mind wonder as she hid. She realizes while John Winchester was a terrible father, she wouldn't be where she was without him. I should have called more. I could've appreciated him more, been more grateful for all that he's taught me. My father he.. he didn't teach me half of what John taught me. I probably wouldn't be a hunter if it wasn't for John. He's a dick but he cared in his own way. He loved us and I… I could've been better.

Sam shook her to look up, snapping her out of her thoughts. "C'mon we're going to Bobby's to rest up for a couple days." She followed her brothers into the car and they drove off.

They had been at Bobby's for a few days now. Sam, Dean and Bobby were worried about the female Winchester. She had been holed up in her room that she uses when they stay there. From what it sounds like she only comes out a couple times dead in the middle of the night then immediately returns. The three men were huddled in the living room talking about what to do with her in hushed tones in case she's listening.

"We shouldn't force her to come out if she doesn't want to. This could be her way of grieving yknow everyone grieves differently" Sam insisted.

"No man. She's just rotting up there!" Dean whisper yelled with his eyes wide. "We don't even know if she's eating. I'm not one with the touchy girl feelings but, she needs to go out and be active or get some fresh air. It's been days since she's been outside. We could find her a hunt she would enjoy."

"Dean a hunt is probably the last thing she wants right now!" Sam whisper yelled back at him. "I'm not saying to leave her up there and ignore her, we shouldn't overwhelm her."

Bobby now spoke up, having enough of the brothers bickering. "Why don't one of you idjits go up there and talk to her? Has that crossed your mind?"

Dean turned to Sam "You do it, like I said… girl feelings and that stuff is not my thing. You on the other hand…."

Sam gave Dean a look "What's that supposed to mean?" Dean made a face like he had no idea what he was talking about "Nothing, hehe, get up there and talk to her."

Sam made his way up the stairs, dragging his feet in front of her door. He didn't want to just barge in so he knocked respectfully. "Lily?" There was no answer so he knocked again. "Lily?" Another knock. "Lillian…" Worried now he slowly opened the door.

His sister was peacefully asleep in bed. He didn't remember her being such a deep sleeper. Walking towards the left side of the bed, he crouched over and lightly shook her. Nothing happened. What the hell. She was breathing, he could see that, so she was obviously alive. He shook her harder "Lillian… Lily?!"

She woke abruptly and immediately gripped his throat, squeezing tight. Once her eyes adjusted to being awake and she realized who woke her she let go. "Don't do that Samuel!" He was lucky her grace was locked, if she was at full strength she could've did real damage.

"Yeah trust me I won't do it again in the future." Sam was rubbing his throat where she grabbed him. "I'm worried about you, everyone is." He looked down at her with concern. She sat up and scooted over so he could sit down on the bed too.

"Why?"

"Why?" Sam was bewildered by the question. "What do you mean why? Ever since we came here you have stowed yourself away in your room and only come out doing who knows what in the middle of the night!" He exploded. He took a deep breath and turned towards her "I'm sorry, I know you are grieving. We all are. You just are doing it differently than we are."

"I'm just sleeping mostly. I'd like to be left alone for now."

"We are worried." He placed his hand on her arm. "Are you eating?"

She smiled up at him "What did you think I was doing at night?"

"Why are you waiting for night? Are you avoiding us?" Sam looked at his sister confused.

"It's not on purpose it's just when I wake up. I'd also just rather be by myself at this moment." She felt ashamed of who she was now. She was not only grieving her adoptive father but who she was. She was coming to terms with living with no grace and being human again.

"I can't let you just sleep all the time Lily, it's not healthy… Dean wants to go on a hunt." he offered.

"I'm not interested right now to be honest. Sam just give me another week to wallow. I'll go to a motel if you guys don't want me around to mess up your mood but I need this." Lillian was practically begging him.

He looked at her questionably. What they went through was hard and their lives aren't easy. When is going to be the next time she gets this? He stood up from the bed and nodded. "One week." With that he closed the door behind him and left her alone again. Descending down the stairs he updated Dean and Bobby on what occurred. He knew Dean wouldn't be happy. Dean would want her out and about as soon as possible, not giving in to her antics.

Lillian rolled over in her bed and drifted back off to sleep. She continued her endless slumber with the man in her dreams.