Turns out trying to learn self defense from my sleep deprived older brother, who's only experience fighting was stage fighting and however long he spent watching videos last night, wasn't a very good or productive idea. It led to me having bloody nail indents in my palm (punching someone with long nails isn't as simple as one might believe) and Chase having a light bruise on his arm. Because I was, and still am, a wimp.
Then Mom saw the scabs on my hands and freaked out. Just a bit. And made me cut my nails to stubs for the first time since I was nine. I mourned them for the next week. Another sacrifice for the sake of the city.
...Chase and I had to explain why I was punching him and doing more damage to myself. And then she set us up for actual self defense classes.
We don't know why we didn't just ask her in the first place. But they say hindsight is 20/20 for a reason.
. . .
"-you have approximately two weeks to design and make a derby hat. Gabriel Agreste himself has promised to judge them personally and-"
I scratched my ear, tuning out Headmaster Damocles entirely. I glanced over at Nino, who was slouching in his chair. "That's Adrien's dad, right?" I whispered.
Nino nodded, his countenance briefly darkening into a scowl. Because Gabriel Agreste was a jerk and Adrien deserved a thousand times better. We had considered hiding him in one of our homes and waiting for the police searches to die down before forging him a new identity. Unfortunately, we both realized that our houses would be the first places searched. Plus, Nino wouldn't be able to become a successful musician if he was a suspect for kidnapping someone.
"Why does Mr. Agreste have enough time to judge a dumb derby hat competition when he doesn't even have enough time to eat dinner with his son?" I grumbled in english, because Adrien wasn't in the room to hear me smack talk his dad. Nino nodded in agreement- he was still learning english, but he could understand enough from my tone alone.
"And Adrien Agreste will wear the winning hat at one of his photoshoots-"
Gasps echoed across the room accompanied by excited gibbering. I rolled my eyes. Most of these kids were in his class, why did it matter if he wore their stupid hat? I glanced over at Marinette, who looked as though she had just been blessed. Weird.
Headmaster Damocles left the room after one last iteration of the submission date. Chatter in the room grew
"Why are we here again?" I asked Nino.
"Dude, Adrien thought it'd be fun."
I wrinkled my nose. "I know he's sheltered, but next time tell him he doesn't get to choose the 'bonding as friends' activity. He doesn't know what fun is."
"You're the one who refused to watch the first 80 episodes of Naruto. That was his first idea."
I made a face. "I don't have the attention span for 80 episodes. You know that."
Nino stared at me, as though judging my soul. "...Which is why we're doing this instead."
. . .
The dojo Mom signed Chase and Keana up for looked more like a massage parlor. Chase glanced at the old man who was supposedly their instructor. Then he looked back over to his mom, who was signing a few forms.
He looked closer at the old man, who was leaning on his cane but he seemed like he needed a walker-
Wait.
"Are you the same guy who was in our house that one time?" Chase blurted out, thinking about the second wave of Stoneheart.
"What are you talking about?" Keana whispered. "I've never seen this man before in my life. Have I?"
"You weren't there," Chase waved a hand.
Mom appeared behind them. "This is Mr. Wang Fu. He's a retired martial artist."
"You may call me Master Fu, since I'll be your instructor."
"Uhm, sir, why are you teaching us if you're retired?" Keana asked.
Master Fu smiled. "Your mother has been very kind. She's been checking up on me fairly regularly ever since she learned I'm living along without any family nearby. I suppose this is my favor to her."
Chase didn't recall his Mom visiting people recently. If she had, she hadn't mentioned it. Keana shared a look with him that conveyed her own bewilderment. Chase glanced back at the old, wrinkled, hunched over man.
"No offense, but are you sure you're able to teach us..?"
Mom sent him a stern glare. "Be polite."
"Oh, it's all right," Master Fu waved a hand. "I'll just have to give them a demonstration in our first lesson."
Chase managed to feel a deep sense of foreboding from that phrase alone.
. . .
Marinette had several basic derby hat outlines already sketched out in her notebook. She hadn't really started designing anything yet, it was just to help her keep the shape in mind while she brainstormed.
Yet despite the fact she had specifically gone to the park for inspiration, she found it was rather difficult to be creative and focused when someone was blabbing incessantly in her ear.
"-how about the Eiffel Tower, that's pretty iconic, girl."
Marinette set down her 4H pencil and took a deep breath. She turned her head towards Alya, who was leaning on the back of the bench to peek at her sketchbook. Alya who, despite being a rather dedicated reporter and knowing how to catch a reader's attention, was practically blind in accordance to good design choices beyond superhero costumes.
"Alya," Mari started, stopped, then started again. "Alya, I need to win this."
Her friend smirked knowingly and wiggled her eyebrows. "So Adrien will wear your hat."
Marinette closed her sketchbook and let the sounds of the park wash over her for a brief moment while she thought about her response. Children screaming- some in delight, others because their parents refused to get them a balloon or something. Cars honking, because traffic was awful. Bicycles ringing bells, because sidewalk traffic sucked too. A man who looked as though he was having a midlife crisis as he threw seeds and bread at the various pigeons and birds that were around and rambled about government conspiracies loud enough for everyone to assume he wasn't sober.
"Do you think I'm just doing this because of Adrien?" Marinette questioned, because even though Tikki had opened her eyes regarding her priorities and -she hated to word it this way- obsession, she didn't think she had been bad enough to warrant this much of a misread regarding her motivations.
"Girl, I hate to break it to you, but your crush is as obvious as the sun in a clear sky."
Mari decided to ignore that statement in favor of laying out her main reason. "Bestie, I know we've only known each other for a few months-"
"You looked like a kicked puppy when you dropped those macrons, I couldn't not adopt you"
She rolled her eyes. "You do realize I plan on becoming a fashion designer, right?"
Alya nodded. "And you'll kill it, Queen"
"Gabriel Agreste is one of the biggest names in the fashion industry." Marinette stressed. "Whenever he drops a new line of clothes, everyone is watching. I've seen entire lines based off just one of his designs."
"Sheesh," Alya whistled. "I knew he was big, but I didn't-"
"And he's judging this competition. And whoever wins is going to have their hat featured in an Agreste magazine. Having something I made sponsored by Him will kickstart my career." Marinette stared dead into Alya's eyes. "I am going to win this."
"Adrien wearing the hat is just a bonus." She added nonchalantly.
Alya grinned. "Killing two birds with one stone!"
Marinette nodded. "Exactly."
They both ignored the incoherent sputterings of the crazy bird man as he scolded them for referencing bird murder.
. . .
Seeing a flock of pigeons is not uncommon in Paris, or any big city.
Seeing a flock of pigeons completing complex aerial maneuvers and forming complex shapes while in flight? A little rarer, but there's been a few videos online that compared them to sardines.
Seeing the same flock of pigeons that are completing complex aerial maneuvers like some sort of fighter jet squad while being surfed on by a man in a skin tight bird costume? That's what clued Adrien in that maybe there was the smallest chance that there was some shenaniganry going on.
And, despite his mild allergy to feathers (it wasn't even feathers , it was the dust mites on feathers), Adrien couldn't take this new threat seriously. What supervillain decided to use one of the most human friendly bird as a weapon?
But he wasn't about to turn down the chance to be Chat Noir, even if the akuma was super dumb. That actually made it more appealing. Even if his Lady was gonna be disappointed that he wasn't taking it seriously.
They didn't meet up on the Eiffel Tower this time because it was clear that... Monsieur Pigeon had an aerial advantage and would immediately spot them.
"This akuma is really dumb." Ladybug said first.
Chat Noir agreed, but probably not for the same reasons. He sneezed.
"He's wasting the only tactical advantage he gets from pigeons by making them group together. Controlling them like that makes it obvious that they're spies, which makes it easier for us to slip his notice."
Yes, definitely not for the same reasons. He sneezed again.
Ladybug raised an eyebrow. "...You good?"
Chat Noir sniffled. "I'm allergic to feathers."
She snorted and waved a hand while he grumbled.
"Sorry," she grinned, not sounding sorry in the slightest.
The plan was simple:
Stalk a bird patrol and figure out the routes. Find out where Pigeon Man is Beat up the Bird brain Bonus, Flirt time.
The plan was working, until they got a little too close to the flock and Chat Noir sneezed.
Which led them to this situation.
The situation being Ladybug and him getting trapped in a bird cage on a roof. That being a cage made out of birds in the shape of a bird cage big enough to comfortably fit humans bird cage.
Adrien was realizing that this akuma was a lot weirder than what he first thought. But in that very instance, he was stuck in the very middle of the bird cage so his nose wouldn't be on fire. It didn't stop a few tears leaking from his itchy eyes. He scrubbed them away only to leave his eyes red and puffy. The tears came back. He sniffed.
"Ladybug," Chat Noir's voice pitched up into something that was definitely not a whine. He didn't know why they haven't busted out of the cage, it wasn't as though stacked pigeons are a sturdy building material. But she had stopped him when he had raised a baton to break through the 'bars'.
They didn't wait long for the akuma to show up. Pigeon Man flew in with his flock of birds while cycling through several different JoJo poses as though he couldn't decide which one he thought would strike the most fear into the hearts of men.
Chat Noir shifted slightly to the left and opened his mouth to say something along the lines of 'this is ridiculous' only to get interrupted by himself sneezing.
"Oh ho~" He cooed leaning forward dramatically. He was over the roof now, but still hadn't deigned to get off his platform of pigeons. "What's this? A little birdie told me that I've caught the two superheroes!"
"Oh no!" Ladybug's eyes were wide and she had one hand placed over her mouth. "I wonder what your dastardly plans for us are?!"
Was she acting? She must not be very good at it if Adrien could tell. He didn't know what sarcasm was until he met Keana; he could only see through it because of direct exposure to his friends. It was like a whole language- how was he supposed to know that people can say something and mean the opposite?
Mr. Pigeon obviously didn't have friends to teach him the concept.
"You are completely helpless to stop me!" He declared. "I, Monsieur Pigeon the liberator of birds, shall free all shackles that weigh down the birds in the world! Society shall be the ones searching for breadcrumbs in the dirt while Pigeons will feast on all the croissants and baguettes they desire! Birdgeoisie shall rule!"
Monsieur Pigeon cawed and puffed his chest out, strutting about. His feathered friends around him joined his victory celebration with their own warbles, making quite the racket.
Chat Noir looked to Ladybug who looked regretful that she wasted the time trying to figure out his goals. Especially since they could finish this akuma quickly.
Ladybug brought out her yo-yo and tossed it into the air. "Lucky charm!" She called out, quiet enough that the pigeons covered up the noise. A hefty polka dotted bag fell into her arms. She hesitantly opened it. 'Food,' she mouthed at Chat. Bird seed, then.
"Hey!" She shouted. Chat Noir sneezed. All the birds quit their celebrating and turned towards them. "I've got a tribute to the birds but if you want it," She winked and got into a throwing stance, "you're gonna have to go get it!"
She threw it off the roof, seed spilling from the opened bag as if in slow motion.
Every single one of the birds tracked the bag's descent. A few seconds passed and there was a thump and a loud noise of complaint.
Three. Two. On-
There was a flurry of beating wings and a hurricane of loose feathers. Adrien made the new Guinness World Record for sneezes in a row.
Mr. Pigeon was left without a single pigeon. And the two superheroes were left free of a bird cage of birds.
They charged. Mr Pigeon squawked and attempted to flee, only to get nailed in the head with a baton and tied up with a yo-yo. He collapsed on the ground. Chat Noir sauntered up to him and snapped the bird whistle from his neck. It had to be the akuma's item, he had nothing else on him and it'd be easy to see if he was trying to hide something, considering his suit was skin tight.
Chat hurled the small bird call at the ground. It bounced. He frowned and stomped on it a few times until it broke. Then a small butterfly slipped free that Ladybug swiftly captured.
"Miraculous Ladybug!" The pink swarm of ladybugs didn't have much to fix.
Dark energy left Monsieur Pigeon revealing... some random man who looked tired, with his red eyes and accompanying eyebags.
"...did I black out again?" Chat barely heard him mutter.
"Pound it!" He happily obliged, really glad Nino taught him how to do that.
Ladybug helped the mess of a man to his feet and showed him the door to the roof.
"Hey, Ladybug," Chat Noir kicked the roof and scratched the back of his neck.
"Hmm?"
"I was wondering if, maybe you wanted to go see a movie sometime?"
Her earrings beeped. "Not now," she smiled apologetically, "maybe some other time."
"S-sure!"
Success!
He pumped a fist and looked around for anyone he could celebrate with. Maybe a pigeon he could pretend-?
His eyes landed on a white horned mask peeking up from the edge of the roof.
His eyes widened. It's eyes widened.
He pointed a clawed finger at the mysterious figure. " You !"
They dropped down and Chat Noir gave chase.
. . .
That was the easiest akuma so far and it almost made Marinette think that Hawkmoth was saving up energy for something big. Except she had no idea if that was how it worked or not. This might have just been a 3 AM idea for him or something. It wasn't any use worrying about, Tikki told her, since she can't do much about what Hawkmoth might do.
Now, Marinette, armed with new inspiration, was on her way to the park to finish her hat design.
A black blur passed in her peripherals and she turned her eyes toward the rooftops. What was Chat Noir doing now-?
Then Chat Noir blurred past.
Wait. If that's Chat Noir, then who was-?
The realization dawned on her.
Ghost.
Her eyes widened, much more panicked this time as she realized one last thing.
She never told Chat Noir to stand down.
"Tikki Spots on!" She cried out just remembering to duck into an alleyway.
Ladybug exited a moment later swinging her yo-yo in pursuit.
She arrived to a nondescript rooftop where the two were wrestling on the ground.
"Stop!" Ladybug yelled.
Both froze and turn to look at her. Ghost had their mask up on their forehead, revealing a black domino and glowing white irises. Chat Noir had them in a headlock and the cryptid was poised and about to bite down on the offending arm. They both blinked in sync.
Ladybug sighed. "Chat Noir, let them go."
"What? But, M'Lady-"
"Just do it," she rolled her eyes. Chat Noir grumbled but acquiesced. He stood up and took a step away.
Ghost eyed them warily and slid their mask back down over their face and tugged their grey tattered scarf up to cover their mouth. It was strange that any hint of their glowing irises was covered up completely with the addition of the bone looking mask on their face. They just looked like pools of darkness.
"You're Ghost, right?" Ladybug knew the answer but it was nice to see the hesitant nod. "You're not an akuma either?"
The word akuma seemed to freeze them, until they started rapidly shaking their head no and waving their hands in front of them, as if to say 'you got the wrong idea!'
Why weren't they saying anything?
"Can you speak...?" Chat Noir asked and was rewarded with a solid head shake. "Well that's awkward."
They shrugged and nodded.
"I feel like this is partially my fault," Ladybug admitted.
Both of them looked back to her.
Chat Noir started. "No way-"
"I had talked about Ghost with my kwami and she said it was unlikely that they- well, you- are an akuma. I was going to tell Chat Noir to not attack unless you attacked first, but obviously..."
Ghost rolled their eyes (more like made the head motion accompanied with an eye roll) and made an 'x' with their arms.
Ladybug squinted, not entirely sure what that was supposed to mean.
Chat Noir nodded. "Yeah, listen to- erm, watch?- Ghost. You can't blame yourself for this!"
Ladybug peered at him. "...You understood that?"
He nodded. "It's just body language."
"We'll sort that out later, I guess," Ladybug said while rubbing her eyes. "But for now, before we try to figure out some convoluted way to talk to you, I have just one question. Do you intend to help us defeat Hawkmoth?"
They stood there for a moment. Then they nodded.
Ladybug grinned. "Then let's get this sorted out."
. . .
The hats were in, sitting on podiums and covered by tall hat boxes.
"-now Mr. Agreste will be judging the submitted derby hats."
I didn't think that the lady holding an ipad was Mr. Agreste, but she started walking around to point it at the hats anyway. They were unboxed one by one. Some were regarded and immediately dismissed. Others, the man on the ipad made a comment or two on.
The woman- probably Nathalie, Mr. Agreste's secretary (maybe secret assassin) and Adrien's unofficial nanny- approached the stand where I knew I put the masterpiece Nino and I slaved over for hours. Sweat, tears, and definitely blood went into making that hat. I glanced over at Nino and we shared a grin. This is gonna be good .
The hat box lifted revealing-
" Who created this?"
Nathalie turned swiftly to face the line of creators, where Nino and I stood with more confidence then we had. We both stepped forward.
"That hat is a crime against nature!" Chloe complained.
The rest of the contestants watched with mild horror. Marinette looked as though her soul was leaving her body. Which was unfortunate, since she was too young to die. And then my family might not get her family's bread for free anymore.
" Did you think this competition was a joke, a fun game?" He seemed mildly irritated, which was more emotion he had shown for any other contestant.
I ignored the shame burning along the back of my neck because this was planned and he doesn't count as an authority figure cause he's the worst-
" I will not be made a mockery. What did you hope to accomplish with such a-" He glanced in the vague direction of our masterpiece, " tacky creation?"
"Sir," Nino spoke up, "What's wrong with it? It looks fine to me, dude."
"Yeah, I think it looks really nice," I pipped up, just to double down. I made direct eye contact with Adrien, who managed to look both impressed and mildly like he's about to pass out.
Nathalie pointed the tablet back at the hat, forcing Gabriel Agreste to probably wish he could wash his eyes out with bleach.
" For one," he started, " it doesn't fit any part of the prompt. It isn't a derby hat and it doesn't represent an aspect of Paris. It's craftsmanship is shoddy at best. "
This prompted everyone in the room to once again look at the hat.
The olive green safari hat with four stalks of fake, plastic wildgrass stuck on each side of the hat. Made with hot glue and hate.
" You should be ashamed. "
"If I may," I said, "I can explain the creative process we used to come up with it-"
" You may no-"
"Wonderful!" I exclaimed. "It all comes down to artistic interpretation, really. The piece is very postmodern: who am I to judge what does and what doesn't qualify as a bowler hat-"
"Derby hat," someone corrected.
"Really, who is anyone to judge anything and put it under arbitrary categories?"
Nino nodded, eyes closed. "So thoughtful, dude."
I spread my arms out, tuning into the theatre kid that has been passed down through my family for generations. "We as humans have such a limited time in life, we really shouldn't spend it on frivolous matters such as what does or does not count as a specific hat type."
"That's so deep, bro."
"And to address the theme of grass," I paused for a moment to scrape some dumb reason off the top of my head. "You complained that it didn't represent Paris. I disagree. It is supposed to represent to people of Paris. Grass covers nearly the entire world, and it's foolish to believe that every single person who lives here have lived here their whole life. Therefore grass is the ideal representation of how people worldwide have moved and congregated here; it speaks of their roots ."
I delivered this with a complete straightface, because I have learned that the way to convince others that BS is real is to give no indication that you are joking. I could see Nino staring at me in my peripherals, but I refused to break eye contact with the man on the screen.
" I can see you put some modicum of thought into this." Mr. Agreste said eventually. " But that doesn't explain the shoddy craftsmanship nor does it excuse the fact that it is not a derby hat. Nathalie, return to the hats."
The tablet turned away from us and it took all my effort not to break my straight face.
Holy crap I can't believe that worked
Tension left my body, leaving behind a giddy excitement. I exhaled slowly, shakily, and the feeling grew. Then my eyes landed on Adrien, who's eyes were the size of apples and his mouth was open wide enough to catch a fly. He'd look shocked and horrified if the subtle twist in his lips didn't betray that he was shocked and amazed. He looked as though he just witnessed One Punch Man and Goku fight and then hug it out.
The rest of the competition is a bit of a blur, with one 'unoriginal' hat after another. Until the very last two hats, anyway.
The second to last was unveiled, revealing a black derby hat with a white feather and fancy looking embroidery. I squinted. Was that embroidered on layered feathers ? I whistled- tried to anyway, since I can't whistle. That must have been difficult.
Then I noticed that the two people who claimed to be it's creator was Chloe and her tagalong. Nevermind. She probably paid someone to make it for her. I could admit the design looked nice, not that I had an eye for fashion in the slightest.
Nathalie had brought the tablet closer, which wasn't something she had done before. And she circled the hat. People were whispering excitedly. Actually, Alya was glaring at Chloe liked she wanted to murder her. So nothing new
" This hat is well crafted and the design is simple yet complex."
Was that a compliment I heard? I didn't know Gabriel Agreste could do those.
" Thank you" Chloe preened.
Then the next hat was unveiled and it was... the exact same thing.
Marinette stepped forward.
Understanding dawned on me, because that hat was just as good quality as the one that Chloe probably (definitely) paid someone to make. And, no offense to the Dupain-Cheng family, but they didn't have enough money to pay a professional milliner so their daughter may or may not win a competition. Which meant Marinette both designed and hand-crafted that hat herself.
Chloe plagiarized her work.
I openly scowled, mood ruined. Verbally mocking people was one thing, but stealing intellectual and creative property: Disgusting.
Then I stopped scowling when Marinette thoroughly trounced Chloe by revealing her signature was in the design of the stitching which meant the rich girl had inadvertently copied that since she stole the design. So really she trounced herself. Mood restored. And Marinette just earned herself major respect points.
She won, not that that was surprising. With that display it'd be a shock if she hadn't.
And as the crowd was dispersing, Nino looked at me with a look on his face.
"Dude, how'd you do that."
I grinned. "I'd tell you, I really would. But it's a tradition that's been passed down through generations."
"Tell me." Nino narrowed his eyes.
"I want to wear the hat." Adrien demanded, appearing from the ether somehow. I thought he was trapped in a conversation with his father and the hat winner.
"Dude what's with your face?"
"I'm allergic to feathers," he said quickly, but not quickly enough for us to miss it. "Where's your-"
"wait-wait wait!" I held up a hand. "So you have to wear the hat in a photoshoot, and you'll just, what, suffer through trying not to sneeze?"
"They're gonna make the feathers fake."
"So you're gonna make poor Marinette make her hat, that she slaved over for hours, all over again?"
"What?" His brows furrowed over his puffy eyes. "There's just one feather."
"Dude," Nino stared. "The whole thing is covered in feathers. She'll have to remake the whole thing."
"W-well-" Adrien sputtered. "She doesn't have to remake it! We can get someone else to-"
"And invalidate all of her hard work!" I cried. "She struggled for weeks only for you to replace-"
Adrien slumped over. "Why are you guys like this?"
"Hmmm?" I looked at Nino. "Did you hear someone complain about their friends?"
"Dude, I heard nothing."
Adrien was left face down on the ground, completely defeated. "I just wanted to wear the grass hat"
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