I own nothing.
The Two Princes of Hogwarts
-Chapter One:
Harry smiled as he stepped out of the cold, dreary muggle world and into somewhere far more fantastical. "Harry!" He managed to step out of the passage before Hermione slammed into him and did a decent job of trying to crush his ribs.
"Hey Hermione," he managed as he squeezed her back. He took a deep breath as she released her death hold.
"Come on!" She seized his arm and dragged him and his trunk towards the side of the train. "Ron, I found him!" They crashed to a halt together,
"Harry." Harry turned and craned his head back to take in his other oldest friend.
"You know, I grew three inches this summer," he stated crossly.
"Three whole inches," Ron said from where he towered over the two of them. The redhead reached up and patted his head patronizingly. "You've done so well mate. I'm proud of you." Harry's jaw dropped to deliver what was sure to be a truly devastating retort that would have left the redhead emotionally shattered, but a head of blonde hair connected perfectly with his solar plexus and all he could was wheeze.
"Luna," he rasped. The blonde disengaged herself and set upon the other two with similar violence.
"Where's Sirius?" Hermione gasped as she patted the blonde limpet attached to her sternum.
"He's still a little weird about British crowds right now," Harry admitted. "He's in Monte Carlo. I took a portkey."
"So, he doesn't like the stares and whispers?" Ron ventured.
"Tells me that I don't understand how weird it is," Harry commented.
"Did you hit him?" Hermione asked.
"It was a close thing," Harry admitted. "I asked him how his foot tasted. Sophie and Amalie thought it was hilarious, but he didn't get it."
"Speaking of!" Luna pressed.
"Amalie got that apprenticeship with the spell research and development department for the French ministry," Harry stated. "She's the first of her family to have a job where she's not supposed to kill or hurt anybody."
"Except herself," Ron stated. They were silent for a moment.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Harry demanded.
"It's spell research and development," Ron stated as if it were obvious. "Ninety percent of that job is blowing things up and the last ten percent is actually figuring out a new spell." Harry stared at him in horror. "You didn't know that?"
"She told me it was a bunch of boring book stuff!" Harry insisted.
"Kind of," Ron replied, "if the book blows up in your face nine out of ten times that you flip the page."
"That's what my mom did," Luna admitted. She jumped a bit as Ron slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. She grinned up at him and he ruffled her hair.
"Oh, I am going to write that woman such a strongly worded letter," Harry growled.
"Come on let's get a cabin."
"Sounds good," Harry admitted. He saw a familiar face in the crowd. "Neville!"
"Hello Stranger," Neville replied.
"Stranger?" Harry whimpered, "after all the good times we had this summer?"
"Because of all the good times we had this summer," Neville murmured, his gaze taking on a thousand-yard stare.
"You've been partying with Neville?" Hermione asked as Ron dragged Harry towards the train. "I can't believe he agreed to that."
"Well," Harry began awkwardly, "you can't really let Neville agree. If you give him options, he always turns you down. You just have to go and. . .you know. . .get him."
"So, you've been kidnapping Neville all summer," Ron said.
"No!" Harry insisted. "He had a great time! You know, eventually."
"You've been Stockholm'ing Neville?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know what that is," Ron stated, "but I know exactly what you mean."
"I am not Stockholm'ing Neville!" Harry snapped.
(:ii:)
Cedric sighed as he approached the cabin containing his friends. "Do they know that they sound like a bunch of lunatics when they're all laughing like that?" Cho asked.
"They have to," Cedric grumbled. He glanced at his girlfriend. "Right?"
"I love those guys, they probably kept your heroic self from dying stupidly, but I am not going to try to get into their heads," she stated. Cedric sighed again and pushed the door open.
"Cedric!"
"Hello," he stated as he and Cho made their way into the cabin. All present immediately shuffled themselves about so they could sit.
"Where were you?" Harry demanded.
"I was meeting with the new prefects," Cedric explained. "I'm not going to lie; Neville did not look thrilled."
"Neville is a prefect?" Ron asked.
"Well, let's be honest, it wasn't going to be any of you," Cedric replied. "Your female prefect is Parvati."
"Parvati?" Hermione demanded.
"Her grades are good enough and she stays out of trouble," Cedric said, staring at the young woman meaningfully.
"Oh, trouble," Hermione grumbled.
"Anyway, where were you this summer Harry?" Cedric asked. "I tried to send an owl on your birthday, but he just glared at me."
"So did I!" Ron announced. "I forgot that."
"My birthday?" Harry wondered. "Where were we?" He frowned as he tried to remember that week. "I think we were in the Gold Coast on my birthday. Maybe? No, we'd hit Vegas by that point, hadn't we? No. Yeah, we left Macao the day before, so definitely the Gold Coast."
"What?" Cedric asked.
"Sirius decided to take the week of my birthday and hit up party cities around the world," Harry explained. "I may have lost track of exactly when we were at different places."
"You should have told me!" Hermione complained. "My parents surprised me with a trip to Australia as soon as we got back from King's Cross!"
"That explains it, I was in Romania at the time," Ron commented. "I thought Pig was just being lazy."
"You were in Romania?" Harry asked. The redhead laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head.
"Well, dad didn't get to see much of Charlie while he was here, so I kind of paid for a vacation," he admitted. "I mean, last year we got to hang out with Bill in Egypt so I was just. . ."
"You don't need to justify yourself to us," Luna interrupted.
"You earned that money," Harry added. "You were the one that actually killed that basilisk. You spend it how you want."
"Uh, yeah," Ron replied, his face turning slightly red even as Luna patted his shoulder.
"You killed the basilisk at the beginning of the year?" Cho asked.
"Yeah, Charlie taught me a piercing charm they use on dangerous dragons," Ron explained.
"So, just dragons in general?" Cho ventured.
"Dragons aren't dangerous," Harry replied dismissively.
"Oh, right! I have pictures of the horntail and her brood!" Ron announced, digging out his wallet. Cho pointed at the two boys cooing over the pictures and turned to Cedric for answers.
"Harry's best friends with Hagrid," Cedric replied. "Ron's a Weasley. Dragon handlers, curse breakers, Arthur and Molly. Crazy runs in the blood."
"Oh," Cho replied. "You know, now that you point it out, that family is kind of worrying."
"When the black sheep is a government yes man, you should probably be worried," Cedric admitted. He glanced at Luna. "So. . ."
"I was in the Amazon hunting Yacumama with my father!" Luna announced grandly. She pouted after a moment. "All we found was another basilisk. I mean, the locals were happy we killed it, but a basilisk is a far cry from the mother of all aquatic life."
"Well, that explains how quiet this summer has been," Cedric commented. All eyes immediately turned to him.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Harry demanded.
"Well. . ." Cedric drawled as he tried to think of a kind way to continue the conversation. "The government has kind of declared a public relations war on all of you." He glanced at Harry. "You specifically. The minister has kind of declared you a public nuisance and has gone on record questioning your sanity." He braced himself for whatever reactions was the come.
"Oh," Harry grunted. "More Heir of Slytherin/Madman of Hogwarts nonsense then?" Cedric stared at the younger student blankly.
"You know," Cho began, "I did actually forget that you spend half your time being lauded as The Hero of magical Britain and the other half as a burgeoning dark lord."
"The burgeoning dark lord part is way more Hermione though," Harry stated.
"Yeah," Ron agreed. Cedric found himself nodding along even though he kept his mouth shut to avoid the witch's wrath.
"I am not a burgeoning dark lord!" Hermion protested. "After I conquer this country, I plan to make everything fair and just!"
"You mean, get elected, right?" Cho ventured. Cedric elbowed his girlfriend in the ribs. How had she failed to learn that drawing the curly haired witch's attention was a bad idea? Fortunately, Hermione had yet to slip further into her usual state.
"Right!" she announced. "When I am elected Minister of Magic, I will ushed in a new world order of peace, equality and justice!" She glanced around awkwardly as she realized that she was standing dramatically in the middle of the cabin.
"Well, to be fair," Cedric commented, breaking his own personal rules, "a muggle born being elected and forcing purebloods to be held to the same standards as everyone else would make you a dark lord in their eyes." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Hell, you've got my vote."
"So, the ministry has declared me a madman," Harry commented.
"The minister has," Cedric corrected. "It's been. . .messy. You have a lot of supporters and they've started to be targeted." Harry stared at him.
"Amos. . ."
"My father's department was found to be redundant. It was merged with another department and he was given the option to either take a pay cut to become a deputy or quit," Cedric admitted. "He chose to quit and has since gone to work for a firm owned by a friend of his from his days as a solicitor." He wasn't sure what he was expecting from the last Potter, but the younger student's next words still caught him by surprise.
"Great!" Harry announced. "That means I can hire him as my solicitor, right? What's that term for when you pay a solicitor to work for you?"
"Retainer," Hermione supplied.
"I can retainer your dad, right?" Harry asked.
"Put him on retainer," Hermione groaned.
"He hasn't worked as a solicitor for years!" Cedric protested. "He's currently working as an assistant to get experience." Harry stared at him blankly.
"Does that mean I have to put the whole firm on retainer?" he asked. Cedric ran a hand through his hair in aggravation before letting out a bark of laughter.
"You know what? Let me send my dad an owl."
(:ii:)
Minerva scowled as she watched the Hogwarts Express pull into the station. The doors opened and students flooded out. Her quest was made much easier as she spotted a head of red hair towering over most. "Mister Potter!" The students parted like the Red Sea to reveal her target standing next to his friend.
"Wow, Potter. You didn't even wait to get off the train again. I've never seen such an overachiever. What or who have you killed now?"
"That will be more than enough Mister Malfoy!" Minerva snapped, glaring at the blond student. He held is hands up placatingly and moved on. For some reason his subservience just pissed her off more. "And where do you think you lot are going?" The interested party froze in place from where they had been trying to sneak off. "Come here." They slinked over.
"I haven't done anything yet," Harry protested as he approached.
"Yet?" Minerva hissed.
"I mean. . .well. . .I haven't done anything," Harry said firmly, "and I don't plan on doing anything." Minerva shoved the copy of Witch Weekly in her hand into his as he stared down at it.
"Oh, that's a cute picture," Hermione commented. Minerva glared her into silence. Harry looked up from the picture of himself and his girlfriend perched atop a parked motorcycle and eating ice cream.
"I'm not sure. . ."
"At what age can one get a motorbike license Mister Potter?" Minerva demanded.
"In the absence of a magical equivalent, muggle licensing can be produced through magic means so that. . ." the young man trailed off as Minerva's glare sharpened.
"At what age can one get a motorbike license?" she hissed.
"Seventeen," Harry replied.
"A for effort," Hermione stated as she patted his back. He shrugged and handed back the magazine. Minerva went to snatch it and felt her jaw drop as her eyes locked onto his left hand. She snatched him by the wrist and dragged his hand up to inspect the marks on his knuckles.
"For services rendered," Harry said before she could ask. Minerva took a deep breath and released his wrist.
"You need to be more aware of your public appearance," she stated. "Appearing as a thug is not in your best interest right now."
"You mean the latest "Potter is a lunatic" thing?" Harry asked. "Cedric told us about it."
"This is a little more serious than school rumors and tabloids," Minerva stated firmly.
"So nice to know losing my eyes because a tabloid wasn't serious," Hermione commented, glaring at the older woman with her bright grey eyes.
"Ok," Minerva allowed apologetically. "Poor choice of words, but the ministry itself is moving against you, Potter. You need all the support you can get." Harry's face turned cold and calculating with a suddenness that caught Minerva off guard.
"Well, well, well," he stated. "That sounds like motive for a dementor in Little Whinging." The whole group was silent for a moment.
"What?" Cedric asked. Harry let out an annoyed sigh.
"Is Bones still saying that it might not have been a dementor?" he demanded irritably.
"A dementor in Little Whinging?" Cedric demanded.
"Yeah, my cousin was kissed," Harry replied. He stared at the older student before looking at Minerva and Cho. "No one heard about a muggle being found soulless?"
"I vote next summer we just all leave this country again and not come back," Ron stated.
"I think everyone would have a great time in Australia," Hermione said. "Especially since it's on the other side of the fucking globe."
(:ii:)
"Albus!" It was a testament to Minerva's reputation that the entire Great Hall went silent at her cry. All eyes turned to the main doors where his deputy was dragging Harry Potter by the scruff of his robes. A rather impressive feat since he seemed to have sprouted a few inches over the summer.
"Already?" Albus wondered.
"At least he didn't get attacked on the train again," Poppy commented.
"And he made it onto the platform this time," Sinistra added.
"That's Potter," the newest member of his staff commented. Albus frowned at the confusion in her voice. His curiosity was, however, interrupted as Minerva and her gaggle of students crashed to a halt in front of the teacher's table.
"Albus. A moment of your time."
"Of course," Albus replied even though Minerva's request had been in no way a request or a question. He rose from his seat and led the students through a small side door and into a hallway just beyond.
"A little more private, please," Minerva stated. Albus led them into an empty classroom. "Potter." Harry's wand appeared in his hand and he began casting a menagerie of privacy charms and quite a few hexes. It was quite a combination and Albus made a mental note to ask about them later. "Thank you."
"I don't suppose this is good news, is it?" he ventured.
"Potter's cousin was kissed by a dementor over the summer." Any good cheer Albus had been clinging to promptly fled. He wasn't sure what expression he made, but all present took a step back. He turned to Harry and the young man hunched defensively, angling his body so Albus couldn't see his wand.
Albus took a deep breath and leaned back against the desk with as much forced casualness as he could. Intimidating students was a thing best saved for when he actually needed to.
"Please explain Harry." The young man relaxed slightly.
"I was in. . ." the young man trailed off awkwardly, his eyes darting around. Ron reached out and poked him in the ribs.
"It was the summer, mate," he stated. Whatever that meant, the last Potter nodded.
"I was in Monte Carlo with Sirius," he explained. "My aunt and uncle used the embassy to find us and tell us about an emergency concerning my cousin. We came back to England and found my cousin comatose in the Royal London Hospital. I looked into his eyes. There was nothing there. I've seen that before, with Peter."
"You didn't call anyone?" Albus asked, already internally wincing. He was really going to have to do something about the young man's "do everything myself" attitude.
"I called Madame Bones." Albus blinked in surprise.
"You called law enforcement?" he pressed. "You sought help? You didn't try to do everything yourself?"
"What could I have done?" Harry asked in confusion.
"Uh. . .nothing actually," Albus admitted. Except for assaulting the ministry, but he wasn't going to give the young man any ideas. He glanced at Minerva and noted the pleased look on her face. "You called Madame Bones?"
"Well, I was starting to get a little loud with my relatives and a copper stuck his head into the room," Harry admitted. "He recognized me and his brother is an auror, so I asked him to call Madame Bones." The young man stared at him. "She didn't say anything?"
"Nothing that I've heard," Albus said, "and not to brag, but I hear most things one way or another." He frowned as he considered his next words. A part of him didn't want to draw these students any further into the politics of the magic world, but a larger part acknowledged that all present were already intrinsically linked to what was happening and they deserved his honest opinion. "Madame Bones is many things, all of them complimentary. She is actively hiding this and she has a reason for it."
"What reason could she have?" Hermione asked, the young woman probably still struggling with her belief in authority figures.
"The Black Dog Bones," Minerva said suddenly, "only ever goes for the throat."
"Indeed," Albus agreed. Amelia may not have been part of SPIE, but she had built a reputation for ignoring underlings and doggedly chasing those in charge. "If she is biding her time, it is because she is trying to draw out someone important."
"The Minister," Ron said. Albus felt an eyebrow rise. That young man did have a habit of seeing things most didn't. "She thinks the Minister sent that dementor and she wants to build up enough evidence to go after him."
"This is all speculation," Albus stated. "Until, and if, she chooses to explain herself, I feel that we should all keep mum on the situation. Understood?"
"Yes Headmaster," the students chorused. Albus knew them a little better than that and pushed off the desk, towering over all of them, even the now six-foot Weasley. They all flinched back.
"Am I understood?" he repeated.
"Yes Headmaster," they said much quicker this time.
"Good." Albus relaxed again and favored them all with a smile. "Why don't you all go join your friends?" They made sounds of agreement and started to file to the door.
"Headmaster?" Hermione asked hesitantly.
"Yes?" Albus asked, putting as much grandfather energy as he could into it.
"Did you find anything about horcruxes?"
"What now?" Albus asked in confusion. The once mousey girl slowly turned to stare at Harry. The young man subtly took a few steps away from her.
"So, uh, Voldemort called his diary a horcrux," Harry stated. "He kind of made a big deal of it and I really meant to ask you about that when we got back from the graveyard, but I got a little distracted."
"You forgot!" Hermione roared.
"I didn't forget!" Harry countered. "I was busy running for my life from her!" He stabbed a finger at Minerva, who glanced behind herself in comic confusion. "You were running too!"
"What about after?" Hermione snapped.
"Indeed, what about after!" Harry countered. "You're the smart one, why didn't you ask him?"
"Okay," Ron grunted. He lowered himself and scooped up the angry witch over his shoulder. "Luna?"
"Got it!" the blonde chirped as she wrenched Harry's arm up behind his back. "Time for dinner!"
"Indeed," Ron agreed as they led their friends away, leaving Albus, Minerva, Cho and Cedric in their wake.
"Horcrux," Albus repeated. He glanced at the remaining people, but they all just shook their heads or shrugged their shoulders. "Do you think that starts with a w or an h?"
"Why didn't he want to mention that he was in Monte Carlo?" Minerva added.
"Well, time for dinner," Cedric announced cheerfully as he seized Cho's hand and dragged her out the door. "See you at the Prefect meeting after dinner Headmaster!"
"Mister Diggory!" Minerva howled, but Albus managed to catch her by the shoulder.
"Minerva, one thing at a time please."
(:ii:)
"Everybody maintaining?" Ron asked as he stared at his oldest friends.
"That was unnecessary," Harry grumbled as he rubbed his shoulder.
"It's never unnecessary with you," Luna pointed out, cheerfully slapping his shoulder and making him flinch.
"She's not wrong," Ron added. Harry grumbled in annoyance and Hermione just kept glaring at him. Oh yes, he was probably going to pay for their exit later, but really, he was no fool. He knew when the both of them were about to explode into a worrying orgy of violence. He looked around the Great Hall to avoid her spite. "Oh."
"Oh?" Harry demanded.
"Oh, it's a new year," Ron replied quickly. A hand clamped onto his and he turned to see his oldest friend staring at him with disturbingly intense eyes.
"Don't you fuck with me Ronald Bilius Weasley," the last Potter hissed. Ron frowned as he realized that his friend full naming him was almost as scary as when his mother did it.
"Okay," he began, "so, you know how the ministry is apparently trying to kill you?"
"What?" Katie demanded.
"Katie!" Neville snapped. All the Gryffindors flinched.
"I heard nothing. I know nothing. What is even happening?" Katie asked automatically.
"This is the way," Seamus stated.
"The way," the other Gryffindors chorused.
"Yeah, the way, woo," Ron replied dismissively. He turned back to his friend. "So. See that lady at the teacher's table."
"The one we don't know?" Hermione demanded. "The one that is definitely the new DA professor? The woman in the position that always tries to kill Harry?"
"Yeah," Ron admitted. "So, that might be Delores Umbridge, Fudge's chief undersecretary."
"Oh."
(:ii:)
"What!" Albus considered himself a calm person, but even he flinched at that proclamation. The students were a tad bit more animated. Especially Slytherin, most of whom scattered. One of the few exceptions was the young Malfoy who cast a golden dome of some type over the table before Harry's voice could even stop echoing.
"Sorry!" Ron announced into the suddenly silent hall as he snatched up Harry and clamped a hand over the struggling young man's mouth. "Sorry! That was my fault. Everything's fine. We're all fine. No falling rocks! Hermione?"
"Right." The witch raised her wand and Ron cautiously let his friend go. The last Potter stormed about behind their privacy charm, yelling and repeatedly stabbing a finger in the direction of the staff table. His fellow Gryffindors bravely bunched together to avoid ending up in the spell and hearing whatever he was raging about.
"I can't even blame him this year," Minerva groaned in annoyance as she buried her face in her hands. "Ten points for Malfoy's quick reactions."
"Make it twenty," Albus corrected as he wondered if anyone would notice him spiking his pumpkin juice, or if he could use his massive knowledge of alchemy to perhaps push along a little fermentation. "Huh." He stared down at his mug.
"Albus?"
"Just thought of an experiment for later."
-End
(:ii:)
Author's drunken rambling. Okay, so I may have posted that prologue before I actually had most things ready in order to put something up for my twenty-year anniversary.
Wow. Twenty years. Longer than most marriages. I'm still kind of weirded out by that. I mean, how many of you are over twenty? Even those who are over have to admit, two decades is a respectable amount of time for a fucking hobby.
So, short notes. That means I must have much in the way or rants considering my attempt at a new style, right?
Let's find the fuck out.
So, my home state of Delaware just passed some of the most strenuous gun control in the United States.
No, I don't mean top ten out of fifty. We actually just beat out New York and California for rifles. Afterall, you can own an AR and an Ak there as long as you can't put your thumb around the grip because that makes it. . .deadlier? That's only boarder line a joke.
Studies show that most Americans support some gun control. Losing your ability to buy most rifles in twenty-eight days while the ones doing it are being very quiet about it and having elected officials refuse to clarify laws. . .that's not what most people are looking for, I think.
And yes, I do mean refuse to clarify. I and many other gun owners have sent several emails and we have heard nothing definitive. Well, other than when they said folding stocks they meant collapsing too. Obviously. They just didn't think that needed to be said.
Why refuse to clarify? Well, because these folks know that we're looking for loopholes. It's a time-honored tradition. If you don't want loopholes in your shiny new law, take your time writing the law in the first place instead of copy and pasting the 94 assault weapons ban with a few add ons. Don't refuse to clarify after the fact so you can retroactively go after people for following the law to a T in a way you don't like.
Also, you'll be happy to know that the new law has banned dozens of firearms by name that are either no longer in production, were never imported into this country or were never legal in this state before.
Fucking Stechkins. Were they ever imported? I can't believe that a Soviet era machine pistol was ever in this country. Even then, NFA machineguns were already illegal in Delaware.
Also, FAMAS rifles. I think about a hundred semi-auto FAMAS rifles were imported in the eighties. They have no spare parts, no extra magazines and go for something like six figures on the second-hand market.
Truly guns we don't have and playthings for the rich are a real danger to society.
Love you, fuck you, good night.
-Uncle Jack