A/N:

[Trigger Warning: reference to sexual harassment, also brief discussion of sexual abuse (not Maisie, but still canon even though it's not brought up on the show]

The problem with having written rough drafts for like five other yumagna fics is that when I write a new one I can't help dropping references to things that take place in those ones because for me it's already happened which unfortunately means that I end up spoiling quite a lot. Anyway I decided to just roll with it. There's quite a bit being revealed in this fic that wasn't supposed to be revealed until my later fics (I've been working on a steady buildup for them, etc.). But I ultimately decided to throw out that plan and at least reveal a few in case my health gets so bad that I'm never able to post those future fics.

Warning: thirsty Miko, lol

'But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross

If we don't understand
What this life is made of
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love.'

- That Kind of Love by Alison Krauss

Magna slid a finger under her collar, mouth turning down. "Gotta say, as much as it sucked waiting tables at that truck stop, at least the clothes were a hell of lot more comfortable."

Yumiko's mouth twitched. "Knew you'd hate the bow tie."

She scowled, tugging at the stiff fabric encasing her throat. "It's like a goddamn collar."

Yumiko could sympathize. Magna had always hated having anything around her neck. Would never willingly have worn something like a bowtie in the past. Which, in many ways, was regrettable.

"Still. . . it looks good."

It looked hot.

The whole outfit did. And it was a fact that was growing harder and harder to ignore.

Magna paused in her struggle, stilling at the look on her face - a slow smirk coming to rise on her own. "It's doing things to you."

"No."

"It is." She snorted, leaning in. "You're hot for bow tie."

"And these."

Yumiko snapped a suspender.

Magna blinked, momentarily startled.

Though whether it was by the action or the fact that she'd responded to her flirting in kind, Yumiko couldn't tell.

Sometimes, Magna flirted as a defense mechanism. To disarm people.

To disarm her.

Likely, she hadn't expected anything to come of it.

But Yumiko couldn't resist playing along, was glad she had. Especially when she saw the faint evidence of a flush, rising up Magna's neck. She bit down on the urge to reach out and touch her skin, feel that heat.

Lay her lips against it.

It had been a long time since she'd had to resist an impulse like that. Resist the desire she had for Magna.

Yumiko had thought her days of doing so had ended about a year into their blooming relationship.

It was more than a little frustrating to be on this side of things again.

Swallowing that frustration, she reached out, tracing the edge of the bow tie. "A shame really. If you didn't hate it, I might have to ask you to wear one of these more often."

Or a tie.

But that might just give her cardiac arrest.

Yumiko's hands moved down to the suspenders, fighting against the urge to hook her fingers under them, tug them over the curve of sharp shoulder blades.

Down.

"These too."

Magna snorted. "Figures this would get you going. You were hot for my waitress uniform too."

"I was not."

"I caught you staring."

"I was trying to work out whether the shortness of that skirt was a health and safety violation."

Not entirely untrue.

Magna grimaced. "Manager was a fucking perv."

"I think he just liked to capitalize on the fact that most of his customers were pervs."

"No, he was a fucking perv and he liked capitalizing on the fact that his customers were ones too." Magna glanced down at herself. "At least this time I get to wear fucking pants." She shrugged, moving on. "Doesn't matter. I talked him around eventually."

If that's what we're calling it.

"You threatened to quit."

"Yeah." Her brow furrowed. "Surprised he actually went for it. Not like he didn't know I wasn't going to get a job anywhere else."

True. As leveraging power went, Magna had possessed very little.

"Maybe, but he also knew you well enough by then to realize that wouldn't keep you from quitting." She'd been even more stubborn and impulsive back then. Two traits no-one could have claimed to be oblivious to. "And I doubt many other people were lining up for your job."

"Well, none as hot as me that's for sure." It might have come out as boastful, if she couldn't hear the grimace in Magna's voice. Could feel an answering one rising on her own face.

"I hated that job," Yumiko muttered.

Hated even more that she'd played a part in her obtaining it in the first place.

"Well," Magna shrugged, avoiding her gaze, "slim pickings and all that. It was alright."

"You hated it."

"I'd just come out of prison. Anything was better than that place. Even working for some slimy old perv. And, hey, no strip-searches. Best part of all."

Yumiko clenched her jaw, felt a hand squeeze her waist - a sure sign that her feelings weren't at all hidden. Despite the breezy nature of Magna's tone, she knew the trauma that lay buried deep within it. Had seen the evidence more times than she could count. Especially after they'd gotten together.

"Sorry."

Yumiko returned her squeeze. "Don't apologize."

She knew this was how Magna coped. By making light of the things that hurt her. Joking about them. But that didn't make it any easier to hear.

"You hate when I joke about it."

She shook her head. "I hate that it happened." What's more, that her visits had contributed to it happening. That there'd been no way for Magna to see her without being violated in the process. That it was legal. Part of the system that Yumiko had devoted her life to. Just. "How you deal with it is how you deal with it."

Which for a long time had meant not dealing with it.

Magna snorted, mouth curving faintly. "Okay, now that's a lie. You hated how I dealt with it."

"I'll admit there were a few. . . things I might have taken issue with."

Alright, more than a few.

"Uh huh." The smugly amused look on her face was entirely out of place, but also entirely Magna.

"But I don't hate the way you deal with it now," Yumiko continued, more strongly.

Because unlike before, Magna wasn't hurting herself - or anyone else - by pretending that there was nothing to deal with. "You can always joke about it with me. Talk about it. . . But I'm never going to be able to pretend that it's easy to hear. Because it's not. And it never will be." She reached up, brushing her fingers over Magna's cheek. Before daring to settle, to hold. "But that doesn't mean I want you to stop. To feel like you can't speak freely about it."

Especially since for twelve years she hadn't spoken about it.

Yumiko felt the hands on her waist clench, didn't know whether it was with gratitude or distress.

"That's not your job anymore," Magna murmured.

"Job?" She raised a brow. "Listening to you, being there for you, has never been a job for me. That's not how relationships work. That's not how friendships work. I know things are complicated right now-"

Magna snorted. "That's one word for it."

"But we are still friends. Right?"

The question stopped her short.

She watched as Magna's eyes softened; all derision, all defense, fading out. Slowly, she nodded. "Yeah."

The word was little more than a mere breath, light enough to almost be soundless, but it landed in the air between them with the weight of stone.

The amount of relief that filled Yumiko at hearing it was unexpected. She hadn't realized till that moment how unsure she was of where they stood. If more than just their romantic relationship had been lost. If everything had.

She could lose Magna as a girlfriend. It would hurt. It had hurt. But she could do it and still go on with her life.

But she didn't know how to survive losing her as a friend.

Yumiko lowered her hand back down, squeezing her shoulder with a force that was entirely necessary. "Then don't insult that friendship by calling any part of it a job."

Magna smirked vaguely at her tone. "Understood." Her finger tapped Yumiko's spine. A solid, reassuring thump. "It's never been a job for me either. Still isn't. . . won't ever be."

And she caught the message.

The implication woven between words.

The promise.

If Yumiko needed to talk, if Yumiko needed her, she would be there.

Would always be there.

And suddenly the small threads of distance between them were too much. The space between their bodies as isolating as a moat.

Screw it.

She moved her hands, locking them behind Magna's neck. Feeling the reassuring press of her chest as they drew closer together. Magna didn't pull away at the liberty, didn't flinch, instead bending her head, leaning further into the hold. Into her.

Speaking of friendship. . .

Yumiko smiled, remembering what had started this conversation. "You didn't really think I was checking you out back then. You had no idea I was attracted to you."

It had taken nine more years for that penny to drop.

But Magna surprised her. "Not true. I knew you were attracted to me. Sort of. I just thought it was the way everybody else was attracted. You know, superficial. Automatic. . . not real."

Yumiko barely caught the last part, the words little more than a murmur.

She tightened her hold. "Anything I've ever felt for you, everything I've ever felt for you. . . has been real."

Some days, she thought her feelings for Magna might just be the realest thing she'd ever felt. The realest part of her.

The most imperfect.

And all the greater for the fact.

"I know." She felt Magna's cheek press into hers, eyelashes fluttering against her skin, before becoming still. The proximity was torture. Torture for not being close enough. Torture because it came with the knowledge that it would end. Soon. Minutes away. An hour. Eventually, it would end. Eventually, she would lose this. "It's the same for me. I've never felt anything like I feel for you."

Feel.

Not felt.

Yumiko swallowed.

Felt the light trail of fingers over her waist, the sensation almost too much - even through the barrier of her dress. Maybe even because of that barrier. "Do you regret it?"

"What?"

"Being with me."

Deja Vu tickled at her senses. Magna had asked her something similar once before. Oddly enough, they'd been dancing then too.

But that was before the stash. The fight. The cave.

Before everything shattered to pieces.

Yumiko shook her head slowly. "That's not the kind of thing I could ever regret."

Magna drew back, the surprise in her eyes tearing at something inside her.

Yumiko was glad she'd asked. Whatever happened next, whatever they became or didn't become, she didn't ever want Magna to think that she regretted even a second of what they'd had.

Regretted them.

She wondered if the feeling was mutual.

"Do you?" Yumiko murmured, nails trailing absently over the exposed skin at the top of her neck. "Regret it?"

Magna's answer was much slower in coming, fingers crafting patterns through her dress, more distracting than soothing. But she didn't look away, didn't shy from the question.

Didn't run.

Yumiko held her breath.

"I regret that I hurt you. That I couldn't let myself believe that. . ." She shook her head. "But I loved being with you. I'd never. . . had that before. With anyone. And I'm glad I got to have it with you. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, I know. But it was the best I'd ever had. Better than I ever thought I could have. . . better than I thought existed."

And that tension that had been wrapped so tightly around her heart all night dissolved.

"Same."

Magna blinked.

Yumiko smiled faintly. "Don't look so shocked. Of course you were the best I'd ever had."

"I drove you crazy."

Her mouth curved higher. "Oh, you've been doing that since we met. It's part of your charm."

"The shit we went through at the beginning-"

Yumiko tightened her hold. "Was hard. And painful. But not your fault."

"I put you through hell."

"You were going through hell. So I'm glad I got to go through it with you." She meant that. It hadn't been a cakewalk, those months, and it would be a lie to say that there weren't days she'd cried herself to exhaustion. But in the end, it had only brought them closer together. And even if it hadn't, Yumiko couldn't bear the thought of Magna going through that, any of that, without her. Going through it alone. Just as she had for years. "And it was all worth it in the end, wasn't it?"

"Was it?"

"Every second." Her lips pressed into another smile. "Or am I alone in thinking that?"

Magna stared at her for a beat too long - still looking more than a little thrown, a little lost - before slowly shaking her head. "You're not alone."

Yumiko's smile grew, arms further relaxing against her shoulders. "Besides, the beginning wasn't all bad. Remember those first few weeks? When things were still new and we were taking it slow?"

Magna smiled faintly, some of her disbelief easing. "I remember you using archery lessons as an excuse to grope me."

Yumiko narrowed her eyes. "Don't be crass."

She smirked. "That the best defense you've got?"

Maybe.

Considering the accusation was more or less a hundred percent true.

"I was just trying to keep you from shooting Bernie."

Better.

Magna snorted. "Wasted opportunity."

But Yumiko caught the tinge of sadness in her eyes, the grief.

Felt an answering weight engulf her chest. Breathed in, hoping to dislodge it.

Magna's next words had better success. "Remember that time we got sprung making out in the rig?"

She groaned. "Don't remind me."

"It was hilarious."

"For you maybe. I could have gone my entire life without Luke seeing me in a bra."

"Pretty sure he had a harder time with that than you."

Yumiko chuckled, remembering the look on his face. "I think you're right."

"Poor guy." Magna's grin cast her sympathy somewhat into doubt. "Combined with the hickey incident, we certainly put him through the works."

She dug a finger into her neck. "I still haven't forgiven you for that."

"Hey, it was an honest mistake."

"Mm-hmm."

Yeah, right.

God, it was hard to think that was less than a year ago. That their lives had ever been filled with that much lightness. Or, as light as you could get when surrounded by death on a constant basis.

If Yumiko had known how quickly it could disappear, she would have. . .

What?

Cherished every moment?

She'd already done that.

None of it had been taken for granted. Not even a single second. But it was still over. Still gone.

And it scared Yumiko that she might never get any of it back. That from now on, she would only have memories to sustain her.

"Things were easier then, weren't they?" she murmured, not entirely intending to speak the words aloud.

Magna paused, her shoe brushing against Yumiko's the barest amount as she lost the rhythm of their dance - which was really more of a sedate sway at this point.

It took a beat for the surprise on her face to fade, to settle into an expression that Yumiko was sure mirrored her own. "Yeah. They were." She snorted. "Which is funny because, at the time, I thought they couldn't get any harder."

Yumiko smiled faintly. "Well. . . you were a little confused."

"A lot confused. I was still tripping over the fact that I liked you - that you liked me."

Which really shouldn't have been quite as big a revelation as it was.

"I mean, I had been trying to clue you in on the fact for years before then. It's not my fault you were a little slow on the uptake."

Magna rolled her eyes, looking away. "Yeah, yeah. You could have tried harder."

Uh huh.

"If I'd tried any harder you would have run half-way across the globe."

Magna had always been a little. . . skittish when it came to feelings.

A lot skittish.

She narrowed her eyes. "I resent that."

"But it's true."

Magna sighed. "It's true."

She grinned, watching an answering one curve across Magna's face. Yumiko bent her head, bringing their faces together again, feeling the heat of Magna's skin as her focus narrowed to that grin, those lips. So close.

Closer than they'd been all evening. Closer than they'd been in months.

It wouldn't take much.

To close that distance.

Wouldn't take much at all.

But no.

Yumiko drew back a little, losing the contact.

Just to be safe.

(wasn't sure if it was disappointment or relief that she saw in Magna's eyes after the fact)

Yumiko cleared her throat. "Well. . . you figured it out eventually."

"I mean, technically Kelly figured it out and then whacked me over the head with the fact until I got the message."

Inwardly, Yumiko rolled her eyes. "Of course."

"But I get points for kissing you first, right?"

"Technically I kissed you first."

"On the cheek. Doesn't count."

"Did it wake you up to the fact that we might be more than just friends?"

Magna pursed her lips. Refused to answer.

Yumiko grinned. "Then it counts."

She let out an exaggerated whine. "Come on, let me have this."

"Fine. It counts."

And it'll count even more if you do it again.

Kiss me first.

Kiss me.

Yumiko was wary of making that move herself, given the mixed signals she'd been getting all night. The fact that she still had no bloody clue where they stood, what Magna wanted.

It was a maze. And every time Yumiko thought she'd found her way to the center, a hedge sprung up in her path. Blocking her. Surrounding her.

And she found herself feeling even more lost than when she'd taken that very first step inside.

No way in.

No way out.

Stuck. In a dizzying limbo.

If Yumiko was ever to find her way to anything, she was going to need Magna's help. A confirmation, one way or the other, of what they were. What they could be.

What she wanted them to be.

Friends, or something more.

Yumiko could wait. For that confirmation.

She'd waited most of their relationship to receive it the first time. She could wait again.

She just hoped that this time, she wouldn't end up waiting years.

'How am I gonna make each moment better than the last

How am I gonna make it better if I can't go back. . .'

- Can't Go Back by Rosi Golan

A/N: writing an entire fic whilst incredibly sleep-deprived and suffering from a migraine is certainly. . . an experience