A/N: little side note, I realize that Lance and Pamela are rather different from what they are in canon and that's because I wrote the draft for this fic back during the first half of 11b - and I don't have the cognitive capacity or energy to rewrite things to fit better, sort of just struggling to proofread and sort everything into the right order atm. With that said, this is all set at the beginning of 11b and it's all Yumiko, Magna, and Tomi's interpretation of things so it could plausibly still align with what we're seeing in canon now.
"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal."
― E.M. Forster
"You know, you don't have to tuck me in," Tomi said, as Yumiko worked the covers tighter around his frame. "You're not Mum."
"God forbid," she muttered, shoving the sheet more firmly under the mattress's edge. "And I'm not tucking you in. I'm trying to make these sheets so tight that you have no hope of escaping before morning."
She was determined to give herself at least a few hours of reprieve.
"That might be a problem if I need to use the bathroom."
. . . good point.
Reluctantly, Yumiko loosened the fabric a little.
Tomi raised a brow, clearly amused. "Afraid I'm going to follow you home?"
"Like a mangy stray."
And as much as she loved strays, her brother didn't possess nearly enough fur to be endearing.
"Shouldn't be a problem," Tomi placed his hands under his head, smiling. "Since I'm fairly certain you're not going home. . . unless that is the problem. Perhaps you're worried I'm going to follow you to where you're really going."
"Don't be ridiculous. The only place I'm going tonight is to bed."
"But your bed or someone else's, that's the question?"
So alcohol also had the added benefit of making her brother delusional. Wonderful.
Ignoring his words, Yumiko examined her work. Deeming it satisfactory, she stepped back. "Just stay put. Okay? I don't want to see your naked arse blasted across every newspaper come tomorrow."
He held up a finger. "That was one time. And it was the school paper so it hardly counts."
"You're lucky Mum and Dad didn't see it."
"No luck about it. I know you tracked down every copy you could find and disposed of them before they could ever get a chance."
Yumiko shifted. "I did that for their sake. God knows they'd already been through enough by that stage."
Mostly because of her.
"Mm." Tomi's smile was far from convinced. "Well, I appreciate it, anyway."
"Enough to stop drinking?"
"Enough not to follow you home like some mangy stray. Or wherever it is you're going."
"For the last time, I have no plans of going anywhere."
Again, he didn't look convinced.
It was the truth, though. Whilst Yumiko may have toyed with alternative arrangements, the last hour or so had worn on her - and any optimism she might have possessed. Now, all she wanted was this night to end.
She was beyond tired. Worn thin. And it was hard to see how any good could come of seeing the night continue.
No, straight home. Straight home to bed.
And then she'd re-evaluate in the morning.
Hopefully a few hours of sleep would grant her the stamina and brain cells she'd need to navigate this mess.
(or find the strength to leave it behind her completely)
Earlier that night
They danced quietly for a time, Magna scanning the room and its occupants with obvious dissatisfaction - and no small level of judgment.
Yumiko waited, already knowing what was coming.
"Look, not really my place to say-"
"But you'll say it anyway."
"but this ball sucks balls. I mean, the music taste alone. . ."
Yumiko suppressed a smirk. "I don't think you're the target audience they're trying to appeal to."
"Really? What gave you that idea?"
"And we both know you'd hate this event no matter how it was set up." And not just because it was an ostentatious symbol of the class divide - a divide it was doing a brilliant job of rubbing in the faces of those like Magna. "You hate parties."
Hated anything that involved being packed into a room full of people, many if not all of them strangers. The 'fanciness' of this particular party was only the icing on the cake.
"Especially the ones I can't drink at," Magna muttered under her breath, before her gaze flicked up. "You like it, though."
Yumiko's eyes trailed the room, taking in the people, the clothes, the food. All of it piecing together to create a picture she never thought she'd see again. "It's. . . familiar."
Which wasn't to say Yumiko necessarily liked it.
Your world. Tomi had called it.
He'd never understood that just because she fit into this world so seamlessly didn't mean she was comfortable with every aspect of it. Enjoyed it. She'd always considered parties like this a nuisance to attend. But tonight. . .
Tonight Yumiko found comfort in experiencing a taste of the past.
But she doubted that was something Magna could understand. The past wasn't something she'd ever wanted to return to. Not like her.
Magna moved forward. Not backwards.
And that. . . that was something Yumiko could understand. There might be moments from the past that she wanted back. Moments she would give anything to relive. But there were even more moments she never wanted to set sights on again.
Moments she'd been running from her whole life. Only. . .
They weren't just moments.
They were too big for moments. Too long.
Made up far too much of who she was.
If they were only moments, that would be so much easier. Yumiko could deal with moments. Seconds. Minutes. Days.
She didn't know how to deal with years.
With decades.
"You okay?"
Yumiko blinked as a finger tapped against her spine. Looked up.
Magna's expression was light, but the edges of concern in it were poorly hidden. "You got quiet."
"Just thinking."
"Never a good thing." Her mouth curved and it wasn't hard for Yumiko's own to follow suit, to give in to that warm feeling in her chest - the one Magna had always inspired. "Guess I'm going to have to come up with a way to keep your attention."
Yumiko could think of more than a few things.
Apparently, so could Magna, for not a moment later her hands began to wander again.
This time, Yumiko really almost didn't stop her. The urge to succumb to the touch burning in her veins, accompanied by a rising curiosity.
She was tempted to see just how far Magna would push this. How far she would go, if Yumiko didn't provide the expected excuse for her to stop.
But she'd also rather not feel Magna pull away again. Retreat.
(better not to give her the chance)
Yumiko caught her hands.
Tried to decipher which emotion was strongest in Magna's eyes: the disappointment;
or relief.
In the end, Yumiko decided she was better off not knowing.
('I hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you. Not again. Not like that.'
'What you did would have hurt whether we were together or not.'
'But you can't say it didn't hurt more because we were together.'
No. She couldn't.
But only because of Nicole.
Only because of things she didn't know how to say. Didn't want to say.
All the things she could never talk about.
Magna took her silence as answer. Nodded.
'Yeah. . . see the thing is, I hurt people. And I'm shit at relationships. Always have been. But being a friend? I don't suck quite as much at that. Not like I used to.')
The words turned over and over in Yumiko's head, sticking to her thoughts like taffy. Every time she tried to move on, to move past them, they only clung tighter, pulling her back under.
Had that been her chance?
Should she have said something then?
Should she have told Magna that, as much as she may make mistakes, as much as romantic relationships were still clearly a learning curve for her. . . Yumiko had never once thought that she'd sucked at it. Or considered it a reason to end things. To go back to the way things were. Throw in the towel.
She certainly didn't want to lose what was between them because of it.
Lose Magna.
And it seemed almost certain that she would lose her. Because as much as the both of them might want to try at being friends, Yumiko wasn't sure it was something they could ever achieve. That they could ever go back to what they'd been before. She couldn't unlearn what it was like to love Magna in a way that was entirely unfriendly, to be with her - couldn't erase those memories and feelings from her being. And she didn't think Magna could either.
If a romantic relationship was off the table, then of course she wanted to hold onto the friendship between them. To maintain it.
She just didn't know how that would be possible.
How did she overcome the sensation of Magna's lips against hers, the taste of her on her tongue, or what it felt like to be inside her? How did she bury those details away, never to be revisited again?
And how could she not? If it was the only way of holding onto what small parts she could of what existed between them. Holding onto Magna.
"She hurt me."
Tomi blinked at the words, teasing coming to an abrupt stop.
"Magna." Yumiko wet her lips. "Badly. And then she nearly died. I thought that she'd. . . I thought that I'd lost her. And it made the hurt not matter. But it still mattered to her." 'I hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you. Not again. Not like that.' "So she ended it. That's why we broke up." She lifted a shoulder. "Though, you're right. Me trying to run everything created issues too."
"I'm sorry."
Yumiko didn't know if he was apologizing for his earlier words or the situation. Supposed it didn't really matter at this point.
She raked a hand through her hair. "It's. . ." she exhaled, arm falling to her side, "a mess."
And normally she was alright with messes. But not this kind. Not the kind that hurt.
Tomi watched her closely - with a level of clarity that should have been impossible in his current state.
A part of Yumiko wondered whether perhaps he wasn't as drunk as she'd first thought, if he'd simply been using the excuse of his intoxicated state to get some things off his chest. Things that had been bearing down on him for months. For years.
Or perhaps she was just too used to dealing with Magna who, whilst remarkably articulate for a drunk person, wasn't at all what you could call comprehensible. Or coherent.
It could be like speaking to a toddler. A very sad, angry toddler.
(who also happened to have an aversion to clothes)
With Tomi the only real change she could see was an increase in honesty and directness. An utter absence of inclination to hold anything back.
Lack of inhibition.
"The hurt still matters to you too," he murmured.
It wasn't a question.
After a moment, Yumiko nodded.
Because of course it did.
She'd trusted Magna more than she'd ever trusted anyone in her life.
Trusted her not to hurt her.
To-
"Have you forgiven her?"
God.
Yumiko raised her eyes to the ceiling, feeling harsh lines cut through her chest, splitting it open. "I don't know. Sometimes I think. . . yes. Absolutely. Then others. . . I don't know if I can ever forgive her. But I want to. I really want to." She cleared her throat, forcing the cracks to close as she met Tomi's gaze once more. "I don't think she understands how much she hurt me. Or why what she did hurt so much. She knows but. . . she also doesn't. And that's not entirely her fault. I haven't given her enough of the pieces to know."
"Then maybe you should."
"Maybe," Yumiko allowed softly. "But I'm not sure I'm ready for that."
"Something tells me you're never going to be ready. But that shouldn't keep you from doing it. I think you both need to have a long, good talk. About many things. Because I know you love her. And I know she loves you. Which means that whatever you have might still be salvageable. Might be." He shrugged. "Love isn't always enough. You have to want to fix things. Both of you."
For a drunk person, he made an ridiculous amount of sense.
"Well. . . I've always liked fixing things." She attempted a smile.
He returned it, holding the expression with her for a moment.
And she did want to fix things. That hadn't been a question for months. Not since the cave. Of course she wanted to fix things.
The real question was whether Magna did.
And whether Yumiko should keep trying to find out. Whether it was nothing more than an exercise in futility, only capable of prolonging the pain.
A lost cause.
But the way Magna had held her tonight. . .
The way she'd looked at her. . .
('I want you to.'
'What?'
'Keep me.')
There was something there. Something which she knew, in this moment, without question, she wasn't willing to walk away from. Not again.
Maybe it was a lost cause.
But Yumiko knew in her bones that if she didn't reach for it with everything she had, then she would regret it for the rest of her life. Because a life without Magna. . .
She's alive.
You both are.
And so many people aren't.
They had a chance. So how could she waste it? How could they?
It seemed unfathomable when she put it like that. How could Yumiko throw away the chance she'd prayed so hard for those nights during the cave?
She couldn't.
And she just had to hope that Magna felt the same way. Or that at least a part of her did.
Yumiko could work with a part. She'd worked with far less thirteen years ago, the first time she'd tried to become a fixture in Magna's life. To knock on the door that stood between them, barring anyone from entering.
Anyone, it turned out, except her.
She could knock again.
She would knock again.
(and hopefully. . . it would open to her again)
"You best get going," Tomi said, drawing her back into the conversation. She'd almost forgotten he was there.
Yumiko raised a brow. "Eager to get rid of me?"
"Oh yes. Very eager. But also. . . I know why you stole that wine."
"I didn't-"
"Oh no, you definitely stole it and I'm still very impressed, by the way. . . I'm sure she will be too."
Yumiko couldn't find it within herself to be surprised that he'd figured it out. Even considering she hadn't decided until just a few seconds ago whether she really would be delivering that wine to Magna. Whilst she'd stolen it with that intention, her conviction had certainly wavered in the time since that hasty act.
Yumiko smiled small. "Or she'll find it insulting and throw it in my face. You never know which way things are going to go with her."
"Hmm." Tomi's lips pressed together as he went slightly crossed-eyed. "You know, I'm glad I stopped dating women."
"Oh, this isn't indicative of dating women. This is just dating Magna."
He snorted. "Best of luck to you then."
"Mm."
God knows I'm going to need it.
Yumiko bent down to retrieve his abandoned clothes off the floor, and his shoes. Hazardously piled up as they were, they were nothing but an accident waiting to happen. The last thing she needed was to find out tomorrow that he'd tripped over them on his way to the bathroom and now had a Grade A concussion.
"Is it worth it?"
Her brow furrowed as she collected the last shoe. "What?"
"Loving her."
Yumiko stilled, partway to standing.
After a moment, her surprise at the question melted away and she straightened. A smile, the first truly real one she'd felt since their dance, slowly found its way onto her face. "In all my life. . . I've never done anything more worthwhile."
It had taken her time, all those years ago, to wrap her head around the enduring contradiction of the Eternal Return. Its saving grace.
The idea of the Eternal Return could be horrifying. But it could also be overwhelmingly comforting. Even beautiful.
The possibility that all the good things you gained from your choices, all the happiest moments of your life, could be yours forever. Yours to experience over and over again. For eternity.
Yumiko knew which category her choice to represent Magna thirteen years ago would fall into. And she would gladly live her life over and over again, with all its consequences - good and bad - if loving Magna remained among them.
She was the one thing Yumiko could never part with.
Never regret.
Every wrong move, every terrible moment, had in the end led only to her.
It was the kind of romantic sentiment that she never would have believed in before Magna. The idea that anyone could mean that much to her.
That such love was even possible.
For anyone.
Of all the gifts Magna had given her, proving that a love like theirs could exist would always be the most breathtaking. The one she would forever be grateful for.
Was it worth it?
Every second.
Tomi smiled faintly. "Then I hope it works out."
Yumiko's own smile faded, though not completely. Some strength still remained to it. ". . . me too."
And I hope that you remember this tomorrow.
That this will last.
He grunted, flopping back on his pillow. "She's still terrifying, though."
Yumiko's mouth turned up. "Only mildly."
Personally, she'd never found her terrifying in the slightest. Magna, of course, would say that was because she lacked a healthy amount of self-preservation instincts - a laughable claim if ever there was one. No. The truth was, Yumiko had known she was lethal, right from the beginning. But never toward the people that she cared about. The people she would do anything for.
The only thing that had ever scared her about Magna was how much she felt for her - and what it would consequently feel like to lose her.
Yumiko had gotten a taste of that during the cave.
Could admit that she'd been wrong to be scared.
In reality, she should have been terrified.
Tomi's eyes fluttered, lids fighting to stay open, before at last losing the battle.
"Finally ready for sleep?"
"No," he mumbled, forcing his eyes open. "I'm good." They fluttered closed again. "Wide awake. . ."
"I can see that." Smiling faintly, Yumiko bent down and smoothed back his hair. "Go to sleep."
"You go to sleep," the retort was barely comprehensible.
"I hope to."
Tomi cracked his eyes open. "With a certain someone beside you, mm?" He sloppily fumbled his way through an eyebrow waggle.
Yumiko snorted. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I think I'll take it as a win if she simply opens the door."
"Oh, she will," he sighed, closing his eyes again. "She would have followed us home like a puppy if you'd let her. A very scary puppy. That bites."
"Probably just so she could find out where you live," Yumiko teased.
His mouth puckered. "Don't be mean. I don't need nightmares of your wife stabbing me in my sleep."
"She wouldn't stab you. . . just poke you with a few forks." Yumiko lifted a shoulder. "Maybe a butter knife or two. I've even seen her get creative with a spoon."
"How comforting." Tomi huffed, though didn't open his eyes.
Smiling, Yumiko stepped away from the bed. "Goodnight. Pleasant dreams."
"She says after just serving me a generous helping of nightmare fuel."
"Just doing my duty as your one and only sibling."
He grumbled something under his breath and although she couldn't make out the words, she gathered it wasn't altogether flattering.
Still smiling, Yumiko turned to leave-
"She can handle it, you know?"
Paused.
"Magna. . . She can handle all the things inside you. All the things you haven't said."
He still didn't understand.
Still didn't-
Reluctantly, she turned back to face him.
"It's not about what she can handle," Yumiko said softly. "It's about what I can."
Tomi's eyes were open again, gazing at her intensely, even as his mouth curved faintly. "Well. . . I've seen you handle an awful lot. And I know you've handled far more that I haven't seen. This is small potatoes."
She smiled sadly. "From the outside, maybe. They don't feel so small when you're actually the one who's holding them." She inclined her head, before turning once more. "Goodnight, Tomi. . . try not to choke on your own vomit during the night."
"Bloody catastrophiz - you need therapy!"
Yumiko knocked on the unfamiliar door.
Waited a beat.
And another.
Knocked again before a third could pass.
Come on. . .
She was certain she had the right address. Kelly had only mentioned it to her over half a dozen times. Her look growing more and more pointed with each repetition.
Not very subtle that one.
The door cracked open with a screech that cried out for some tender love and care. Or just a little bit of oil. Yumiko made a note to add it to her list of things to-
She couldn't help but tense as Magna's form was finally revealed to her. And a little too much of it at that.
Yumiko seemed to have caught her in the middle of changing. If the half-unbuttoned shirt and absence of any pants were anything to go by.
Yumiko put all her considerable strength of will into keeping her eyes on Magna's face. Into not looking down.
But, God, it had been a long time since she'd seen those legs.
Even longer since she'd felt them.
If she was a more paranoid person, she might think Magna had deliberately opened the door in this state just to torture her.
(thankfully, out of the two of them, paranoia had always been more Magna's thing)
Yumiko shifted. God, she hadn't felt this awkward since the first time she'd been on a date. It stung, a little, to feel such awkwardness around Magna of all people - the one person in all the world she had always felt most comfortable with.
Yumiko forced a smile past the nervousness in her gut. "Trick or treat?"
The joke failed to land.
Magna blinked, confusion bleeding with disbelief. "What are you doing here?"
Right.
Yumiko raised her hands, which currently contained two glasses and a bottle of wine. The second glass was presumptive - and more than a little risky - but Tomi was right.
She'd squandered enough chances.
Maybe it was time to take a risk.
Magna's eyebrows shot up. "You stole the wine?"
Yumiko grinned, though it felt strained on her face. Everything felt strained. "I figured after serving it all night you should at least get to have a bottle."
Magna smiled faintly. And then, much to her surprise, opened the door wider. "I'm good with just half of one."
And the tightness in Yumiko's grin fell away, softened.
It was an invitation.
One she hadn't been confident would be extended. Only hoped.
Letting go of the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, she slowly followed Magna inside, closing the door behind her and clicking the lock into place. It was still such a strange thing. A new habit that was taking time to relearn. There'd been no locks on their rig. No locks on their bedroom door at Hilltop either. No locks on the road.
It was a part of a world that no longer existed.
Same as the wine currently in her grasp.
Speaking of which.
Yumiko turned, holding out the bottle in offering-
Magna thrust up a hand, stopping her. "Actually, you can have the whole bottle. I hate wine."
And Yumiko laughed.
(couldn't help it.
Of course-)
It died as Magna stepped into her space, drawing closer and closer. Too close.
Not close enough.
Too close.
"But I could stomach the taste if it meant kissing you right now."
Yumiko's breath caught.
She waited for the punchline. The revelation that Magna was just teasing. Waited for her to change her mind. Pull away. Just as she'd been doing all night.
Push and pull. Push and pull. That had always been the rhythm of their relationship. Especially in the last two years.
She waited.
Only. . . none of that happened.
Instead, Magna stayed. Staring at her expectantly. Also waiting. Eyes so dark Yumiko could see her own reflection in them.
I'm never going to be able to predict you.
Taking another breath, she reached out, cradling the back of Magna's neck. She wondered what had changed. Between the ball and now. Their last conversation. Surely a stolen bottle of wine wasn't all it took to tip the scales? "You sure? I've drunk a fair bit of it."
"No, you haven't. Was watching you the whole night. You barely had a glass."
She tried to ignore the sudden surge of heat inside her at the casual admittance, the knowledge that Magna's eyes had been on her all evening.
"That might be because I was too busy watching you," Yumiko said, inordinately proud when her voice didn't shake, didn't even tremble.
Only Magna had ever had this effect on her.
This power.
(and as terrifying as it had always been, it was also intoxicating)
"Might be." Magna moved closer. "Might be because I made you feel guilty for having it." Closer. "Sorry about that."
"You're really not."
"I'm really not."
Yumiko shook her head with a smile, though found herself sobering slightly a moment later. Despite the lightness of Magna's tone, she wasn't oblivious to why the wine had been such a thorny issue. Why resentment had sparked in her eyes so often throughout the evening. "I know you hate being under me."
A lower rung on the social ladder.
Hated the reminder of the differences between them.
Yumiko hated it too, no matter what Magna thought to the contrary.
"Well. . . I wouldn't say that. Sometimes being under you is my favorite place to be."
Yumiko rolled her eyes at the smug little smirk on her face. "Ha ha."
"Oh come on, you walked right into that one." Magna was grinning, unashamed - and not a little proud of herself for the joke - and Yumiko felt a lightness fill her chest, forcing the darkness that had cloaked it for months to the very edges.
Magna had always had that effect.
And Yumiko bathed in it now. In that feeling.
In the grin on her face, still so close to hers.
Whatever had caused this change, she wasn't going to question it. Wouldn't poke at it with a stick of suspicion until it broke.
For now, she'd just enjoy it.
(for however long she could)
Carpe diem.
Magna's eyes drifted down a moment, to the wine still in her hand, mouth turning up again, a tinge of disbelief to the expression this time. "Can't believe you got on my ass for swiping a mango and then went and stole a whole bottle of expensive wine."
"Technically I just liberated it from Tomi and then neglected to return it."
Magna snorted, shaking her head. "I'll make a thief of you yet."
She opened her mouth to retort but in that instant, the distance between them grew even smaller. Minuscule. So close to nonexistent.
Shit.
A hand caught hers, light, barely touching. Yumiko's skin tingled with the contact, pulse roaring to life - and she almost didn't hear the words that came next past the pounding in her ears.
"So can I?" Magna murmured.
"Can you?"
Yumiko shivered as hot breath played across her cheek, tortuously tantalizing in its closeness.
"Kiss you."
The question nearly tore another laugh from her.
I've only been hanging out all evening
Stepping forward, Yumiko closed the gap, pausing just an inch from her lips. "Always."
The word was barely out of her mouth before Magna was leaning in. Kissing her.
Kissing her first.
Just like she'd wanted. Just like she'd hoped for. The vow she'd made with herself when they'd been dancing. A fantasy she hadn't dared to believe would actually solidify itself into reality.
And yet here they were.
Here Magna was.
Lips soft but firm, sealing to hers. Igniting them.
Yumiko's eyes fell shut, her free hand coming up to splay across her cheek. Pressing into Magna with all the force, all the passion, her body had been holding onto, holding onto for months. Everything that she could no longer contain.
She let it all flow free, pouring into Magna's mouth as hands found her face, cradling, drawing her closer. Drawing her in.
Their last kiss had been a weak and broken thing. Strangled by lies and bottled resentment. Anger and fear. The naivety of thinking they'd have another. That there would be more time. That there would always be more time.
That wasn't a mistake Yumiko would make again.
If this moment was all they would ever have, If this was to be their last kiss, she'd make it a last worth remembering.
No more regrets.
Not ever again.
Only this.
Magna's soft skin under the pads of her fingers, the heat of her mouth, eclipsing all else.
The return of what had been lost.
Only this.
This moment.
This kiss.
"What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine'."
― Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science
A/N: Don't worry, this is in no way the end. I'm not cruel enough to leave it here. And you know me, there's no way I'd write yumagna getting back together without them actually talking things out and discussing their issues. And you will get some insight into what's changed with Magna later. However, I've put you guys through a lot, so I figured I gift you this plus a couple more chapters as a breather before we get back into shit.
There's a little callback to when Yumiko and Magna found that bottle of wine in 'if you love me, don't let go' in this chapter. Magna is very much not a wine drinker lol