A/N: so we get a little bit of Magna's side in this chapter. Still in Miko's POV (this entire fic is) but we get some of Magna's thought process

In the end, they'd wound up tangled around each other under the thin covers of Magna's bed. The room was cold, something Yumiko hadn't been able to notice earlier when she was burning up from the inside with arousal. But now their bodies had fallen still - the desperate urgency that had driven every touch long since faded - and she found it a lot harder to ignore.

Equally hard to ignore was the fact that this was the temperature Magna had to endure every night. There was no heater, nor fireplace in sight. And the blanket they currently hid beneath was as threadbare as anything. Not only did it not cover the whole mattress but she'd already discovered two holes in its surface, having accidentally caught her finger in one.

Just as she'd been doing all night, Yumiko added this latest item to her growing list of problems to contend with in the future, and shifted, wrapping her leg more closely around Magna's in an attempt to absorb more of her heat - and to provide some.

Magna, for her part, didn't seem to notice the chill.

Instead, her eyes burned softly, a lukewarm contentment simmering in the darkness as she gazed back at Yumiko, mouth crooked ever so slightly in a smile.

In this moment, the lack of sex seemed anything but a loss. They'd needed this more. The chance just to be close. To hold. And be held.

They'd needed the pause.

The peace.

Delicately, not taking her eyes off Magna's, she gently moved some hair behind her ear, feeling the texture of her skin, the warmth.

She'd missed this. The quiet moments. When it was just them.

Just the heat of each other's skin and the low beat of their breaths.

So many hours of her life had been spent just like this. The happiest hours. The ones she kept tucked safely away inside her, treasured memories to light a candle in the darkness. She was relieved that she'd have a new memory now to add to the trove. A new memory to fall asleep to at night.

Magna mirrored her gesture, reaching out. Yumiko closed her eyes at the sensation of soft skin against her temple, fingertips smoothing through her hair, tickling her ear.

Until tonight, no-one had touched her hair in months. And the last person to do so had been Magna: a light touch sweeping a lock from her cheek before dawn; the softest of kisses coming to land on the space that had been left behind. Half asleep, exhausted and mind muddy from sex, Yumiko had barely felt it. Barely noticed. Had drifted back into the darkness just as she felt the space beside her open up, the mattress shifting, familiar heat falling away.

That was the last time anyone had touched her hair.

She hadn't realized that she'd missed the feeling until tonight. Until gentle fingers had combed through newly shortened strands, sliding smoothly into place.

Hadn't realized that she'd been aching for that touch.

Yumiko still couldn't quite grasp how they'd gotten here. How the look of betrayal on Magna's face in that kitchen had melted into this soft expression of love before her now. And she needed to know. Needed to know if she was to feel safe enough to trust it.

"What made you change your mind?" she murmured, daring to break the sanctuary of silence that had cloaked them for the last half hour.

"About what?"

"Us."

Magna grew quiet again, gently twirling her hair around her fingers. Yumiko allowed the stalling tactic, waiting; knowing she would speak when she was ready. "I ended things because I was tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being scared. Scared that I'd fuck things up. Scared that you'd wake up one day and realize the mistake you'd made. I thought. . . we were good as friends. For twelve years, we were good. It's when we got together that shit started happening. So if we just went back to being friends. . . we'd be good again. And things would be easy."

Yumiko nodded absently, relieved that she finally had an explanation for what had taken place that day on the log. An answer to all the questions that had haunted her since.

She would be lying if she said that she'd never toyed with the same idea herself. Though, her own contemplation had taken place towards the beginning of their relationship. Not the end. By the time things had ended between them, she'd known that returning to the simplicity of friendship could never fix things. Could never erase the issues between them. "So then what changed?"

She felt the slight tug against her scalp, watched as a dark strand looped around Magna's finger, drew loose and looped again. After the fourth time it fell free, the routine ceased, and Magna's hand moved to rest against her cheek, settling lightly. Cradling.

Their eyes met.

"When I saw you again, all I wanted to do was kiss you. And I realized. . . I'm always going to want to do that. That feeling will always be there. I'm always going to want to kiss you." Magna trailed her fingers slowly over her jaw and Yumiko resisted the urge to draw closer, seek out more than just the touch of those fingers. "And I can ignore that and risk waking up one day with a truckload of regret and no time left to do anything about it. . . or I can give in to the feeling - and risk losing everything."

Yumiko raised a brow. "I'm surprised you chose the latter."

Magna snorted faintly. "Me too, honestly." She glanced down at their hands, chewing her lip. "But. . . I've spent my entire life being afraid. Being angry because I'm afraid. And since the cave I've been trying to change that. I don't want to live the rest of my life - however short or long it'll turn out to be - scared to shit. Letting fear control me."

"Well, for the record," Yumiko's gaze lowered to their hands as well, gripping Magna's lightly, "you're never going to lose me. Even if this doesn't work out, you'll always have my friendship. You'll always have me."

That was an easy promise to make.

One she didn't even have to think about.

Yumiko would always want to be a part of her life. That was something she'd known for years, almost from the very beginning. Certainly from the moment Magna's conviction was overturned, when right beside the overwhelming ecstasy of relief - was dread.

Because now it was over.

Now there was no longer any reason for Yumiko to be in her life.

For Magna to want her to be there.

And that was terrifying.

Magna swallowed, gripping her hand. "You'll always have me too."

There was steel in the firmness of her hold, a feeling that couldn't be expressed in words - and Yumiko drank it in. The reassurance. The conviction.

She hadn't realized until just now how much she'd needed it. That confirmation.

Promise.

Needed to know that Magna was as determined to hold on to her every bit as much as she was to hold on to Magna.

"So I now know why you changed your mind about us being together. But I still don't know how we ended up here," she murmured.

"In my crappy excuse for an apartment?"

"In bed. Together. Okay." Yumiko released a breath, "We're okay. But when I left tonight. . . we weren't. I honestly wasn't sure we ever would be again."

The divide had seemed too great.

Magna raised a brow. "But you still showed up at my door with a bottle of wine?"

"Tomi's influence."

"Ah."

"And. . . I had to try. Even if it came to nothing." They'd been through too much not to try. And it had taken so long for them to get together in the first place, let alone settle into being together. To find a rhythm that worked for them. That was right. But still, she'd known the chances of them reaching that place again were slim. Would have been relieved just to regain the friendship they'd lost. The easiness they'd once shared. The trust. "I wasn't expecting much, though. I'd hoped that we could mend things a little. Leave off on a better note. . . I certainly wasn't expecting you to kiss me."

"A little out of left field?"

Yumiko couldn't find it within herself to rise to the humor. "More than a little."

Magna lifted a shoulder. "Well, I had some time to think before you got here. Not usually a good thing with me but. . . this time I'd say it worked out alright."

Yumiko reached out, smoothing a stray curl back from her forehead, before allowing her hand to settle against the side of her face, feeling the warmth of her skin. "what did you think about?"

Magna fell silent, eyes not breaking from hers as she leaned into the touch. Yumiko could see the thoughts churning in her head, piecing themselves into words. Careful words.

Magna was rarely careful with her words.

But tonight she'd been so more times than Yumiko could ever recall.

It was an adjustment.

"Watching you walk away tonight with Tomi. . . all I wanted was to go with you. In the past, I would have gone with you. Wouldn't even have hesitated. And I hated that. Hated that I couldn't leave with you, be there for you. Just . . . be with you. And that matters more than all the other shit. All of it." Magna gripped the hand against her cheek. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching you leave without me. Just like that day you set out for the Commonwealth."

Her gaze burned and Yumiko felt the intensity of it settle deep in her chest.

It was almost too much.

The words. The emotion in her eyes.

The heat.

Yumiko wet her lips, now more than ever regretting her decision to take sex off the table.

You've made a lot of mistakes in your time but this. . .

Trying to strengthen her resolve with a reminder of why it had been the best course of action, the smartest course of action, she drew her gaze up from Magna's lips, forcing an edge of humor into the curve of her own. "But the wine sealed the deal?"

"The wine definitely sealed the deal."

They shared a grin, the moment breaking, lightening.

And Yumiko breathed.

Shaking her head, she moved her hand back to Magna's hair, feeling the heat of her scalp as her fingers threaded through thick tangles. Yumiko's exploration was hampered somewhat by the restraints of her bun but it had loosened enough during their time in bed for her to reach some semblance of satisfaction.

She considered applying pressure - just the right amount to draw Magna in, fasten their mouths together.

But Yumiko didn't trust herself enough right now to leave it there. To not reach for more. So much more.

She wanted more.

But she couldn't afford to have it. Not yet.

"So what I'm taking away from everything you've said. . . is that you're done running."

Not something that Yumiko had been confident she'd ever live long enough to see.

Magna considered it. "Yeah. Guess I am."

"Mmm." Yumiko wasn't sure she believed her. She wanted to. But she also knew Magna. And running was more instinct than choice at this point. It had become a part of her nature years before they'd met. A part that Yumiko had come to accept.

Still. . . maybe it wasn't such a bold claim. Magna had changed. And Yumiko may still be trying to acclimatize to the evidence of that change but it was there nonetheless. All she really knew for certain was that the Magna before her now wasn't the same Magna that she'd kicked out of their room that night, or even the one that she'd walked away from three months ago.

"You know," Yumiko started, thoughts swirling with contemplation, "I'm not the only one who's changed. You're different."

"Different good or different bad?"

"Just different. Less angry."

Magna paused, saying nothing for a time as Yumiko's hands ran over her body, remapping the paths that had started to fade in her memory. Strengthening them once more.

Yumiko was content to do this. To wait. To give her time until she had the words.

"The anger's still there," Magna murmured. "Sometimes I can't breathe with the feeling of it. But it doesn't control me like before. At least. . . I'm trying not to let it control me."

"Seems to be working." Yumiko smiled faintly. "But, you know, you've been angry for as long as I've known you - longer - that's not something that will disappear in a few months. It's okay to still struggle with it. And anger. . . it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's healthy. And it's there for a reason. We need it."

Like bacteria. Sometimes it got out of control. Sometimes it was harmful. But they still needed it. It was a part of them. And trying to eradicate it completely would only do more harm than good in the end.

And the last thing Yumiko wanted was for the woman in her arms to come to harm.

Magna didn't return her smile, eyes dark as they held onto hers. "That anger nearly cost me you. Made me push you away."

"That wasn't anger. That was fear."

"For me it's always been the same thing."

"I know." Yumiko's smile turned sad as she traced a thumb over the crest of her cheek, back and forth. Soothing. "The thing is. . . you're angry now. That much is obvious." Even if I'm the only one who can see it. "And pretending otherwise, pushing it down. . . that's not going to help anyone. Least of all you."

That anger had leaked out tonight, sometimes at a drip, sometimes with a force so strong it had nearly knocked Yumiko off her feet. She suspected that it was anger Magna had been bottling up for some time. And, as had so often happened in the past, Yumiko had ended up the target.

Magna winced, seeming to share her thoughts. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. I. . ."

"Felt betrayed. I know."

'Sucks, doesn't it?' a bitter, more resentful part of Yumiko nearly said.

Luckily, it kept its peace.

She didn't want to be bitter. Not in this. Not right now.

"Maybe. Still shouldn't have been so snippy."

That tugged a smile from her, mouth curling slowly. "Snippy?"

"Snappy?"

"Like an angry puppy." She grinned when Magna rolled her eyes, taking a moment to enjoy the sight before sobering again. "I shouldn't have avoided you. I think that earned some snippiness. I wish. . ."

Things were different.

Only Yumiko had lost track of just how many things that wish contained.

Magna held her gaze for a long moment. "I know."

The words didn't need to be said.

She knew.

Yumiko could see that in the tired lines of her face. The wistfulness mixed with defeat. Sadness.

"Me too," Magna exhaled. "And, you know, I knew what I wanted when I approached you tonight. You. But everything else, all my doubt, all my fear - and, yeah, my anger - kept changing my mind. Till I didn't know what I wanted at all. . . I'm sorry. I never meant to mess you around when I asked for that dance."

"Well," Yumiko stroked a finger down Magna's palm, mouth drawing up faintly, "it all worked out, didn't it? We got here eventually."

"No thanks to me."

"Oh no. You were a big part of it. If you hadn't asked for that dance tonight, it might have taken months before I worked up the nerve to talk to you. Really talk to you. You got the ball rolling. And honestly. . . the things you said tonight, needed to be said. We needed to have those conversations. Or this was never going to work."

Burying everything down deep was what had ruined them before. Yumiko didn't think they could survive that again. They had to do better.

They would do better.

And as far as she could tell, they already were.

"Maybe you're right." Magna held her gaze a moment, features soft, before she released a breath. "Speaking of conversations. . . we still probably need to talk about what happened. We never really did."

"A lot's happened, Magna, you're going to have to be more specific."

"Brian."

Silence filled up the space between them.

Yumiko could hear the sound of her own heart beating in her ears, wished that it didn't throb with tension. That her chest didn't tighten, trapping her breath. "It's in the past."

"I killed a guy and lied to you about it, Miko. For thirteen years. You're really going to tell me that's 'in the past'? Forgotten?"

Forgiven?

Yumiko's jaw worked a moment. "You're right. We do need to talk about it. But not tonight. Tonight I just want to hold you."

"I mean, technically it's morning-"

Yumiko poked her in the side and she grinned, dodging the attack.

Biting her lip, she caught Magna's twisting waist, ignoring her squirming as she drew her gently back in, until she rested snugly against her once more. The sensation of her body, warm and familiar, so smooth, moulding with her own smothered the residual flickers of hurt and anger in Yumiko's chest.

How could she feel anything in this moment but Magna?

And the relief of finally having her again.

Yumiko certainly wasn't going to risk starting a conversation - though more likely an argument - that would shatter the circle of comfort and contentment around them. She'd waited so long just to feel this. To have it back. Had no intention of giving it up without a fight.

Magna held her gaze a moment, features soft, before she wet her lips - something hard yet vulnerable replacing the tenderness in her eyes. "You know that guy, tonight? Tyler?"

Yumiko's insides stiffened, wariness filling her at the name, but she forced the calm to remain in her expression; hummed in acknowledgment. "It's only been a matter of hours so I certainly haven't forgotten him."

"He fucking spooked me."

"Well, it was a little scary. Always is when someone brings out a knife."

(unless that someone was Magna)

Yumiko certainly hadn't been expecting it. Especially not in the Commonwealth.

You've grown complacent.

That was dangerous. Complacency could get you killed. She'd seen how it could get you killed.

Magna shook her head. "No, I mean. . . I wasn't scared. I was spooked. And it had nothing to do with any fucking knife. . . well, not really. . . it's one of the reasons I got so snippy with you. He fucking threw me off. Rattled me. . . dug up a bunch of shit."

Yumiko frowned, trying to understand. "Magna. . ."

The situation with Tyler was terrible - not to mention a complete and utter mess - but she couldn't see why it would have affected her to such a degree. In comparison to everything else they'd been through, what had happened with Tyler tonight was a walk in the park.

"I saw the look on his face, Miko." A muscle in Magna's jaw jumped. "It was like looking into a fucking mirror. I know that look. . . what he was feeling. . . I've felt that way before. Desperate. Angry. Betrayed. . . scared. Just wanting someone to see you. To listen. To care. To fucking do something." She shifted, the fire fading from her gaze, tension slowly receding. "I think I've felt that way for most of my life. Certainly the first half. . . I know what tipped him over the edge because it tipped me over too."

"Lawson."

It wasn't a question but Magna nodded anyway. "I don't know what's going to happen to him. What kind of punishment this place has in stall. I hate to ask, especially after everything, but if it turns out that he needs a lawyer. . ."

"He's got one," Yumiko said firmly, without hesitation, even as she knew it wasn't the wisest course of action. That there would likely be consequences. That her plan to play it safe, to not rock the boat - at least until she knew that rocking it wouldn't toss them all overboard - could very well be obliterated if she reached out a hand to Tyler Davis.

But there was a hint of vulnerability in Magna's eyes - reluctant, tentative - that she couldn't refuse, couldn't do anything but respond to, try to assuage. Even if Magna hadn't asked this of her, though, she still would have offered it. Not for her but for Tyler.

Because it was the right thing to do.

And Yumiko had missed having that freedom. The freedom to do what was right rather than what was smart. Necessary.

The freedom to do good.

Gratitude flashed in Magna's eyes a moment, before it was subdued. "I doubt he'll need one. Something tells me this isn't the kind of thing that makes it to trial in the Commonwealth."

Yumiko hated that she agreed.

That she couldn't think of any points to argue with.

Magna looked away. "And Connie will probably be all over it. Investigating. Journalist that she is. Pretty sure she distrusts this place almost as much as I do."

Yumiko had no doubt. About either assertion. She also had a strong feeling that it was going to cause a headache for her in the future, eventually. Connie wasn't the type to drop anything, or to keep her nose out of places other people warned it didn't belong.

Still, her lips drew up faintly. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you use the word journalist without a modicum of disdain."

Magna shifted, eyes moving away. "Yeah, well, Connie's a special case. Credit to her species, yada yada yada. . ."

"I'll tell her you said that. She'll be touched. . . High praise from one Magna Carter."

She rolled her eyes and Yumiko's grin grew.

In truth, though, that was high praise coming from Magna. In this instance especially. With all the bad blood between her and journalists, Yumiko hadn't thought she'd ever be able to look past her resentment. Even for Connie.

And she would have understood. Of course, she would have understood. How could she not? After everything that had happened back then, everything that had been said about what happened. The speculation. The rumors.

The lies.

Everyone had an opinion. Everyone thought they knew the truth. The ins and outs. The gory details.

None of them had known a goddamn thing.

None of them.

(and neither had she)

Smile fading, Yumiko reached out, smoothing her fingers across flyaway strands, not sure who she was trying to soothe more with the action. "Are you still feeling spooked?"

Magna's mouth drew up at the edge, a tired sort of humor filling her gaze. "Spooked is the farthest thing from what I'm feeling right now."

Yumiko's own mouth rose the barest amount as she continued with her idle stroking. "Is that really what you were like? Back then."

Magna's eyes darkened slightly. "No. I was angrier."

Yumiko had no trouble believing it.

She'd seen the autopsy report. Photos from the crime scene. It was hard to believe a young girl was capable of that much damage. Hard to believe Magna was.

She'd seen her kill before. Walkers and humans both. But never like that. Never outside the bounds of practicality. Necessity.

Never because she wanted to.

That was something Yumiko was still working to assimilate. She didn't think less of Magna for the fact, didn't love her any less. . . but it was new information. And it was an adjustment.

Her age at the time was something Yumiko would probably continue to struggle with for a while. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. Around any of it.

It was so hard to picture. To even believe.

She could easily imagine a teenager like Lydia stabbing a man sixteen times, though not out of rage but necessity. Her mother had spent a decade trying to craft her into a weapon, into a monster strong enough to survive in a world of monsters. But Magna?

She'd had no such preparation.

The world may always have been a hostile place for her to survive in, but she hadn't been forced into a life of kill or be killed as a child like the teenagers of today. Hadn't been taught how to wield a katana from the moment she had the motor control to bear the challenge. She'd grown up in the same world as Yumiko, even if she'd been forced to endure a very different side of it.

And barring her father's death, murder had been as foreign to Magna as it was to her.

But she'd done it.

That fact was now irrefutable.

She'd killed him.

Violently.

Yumiko wanted to ask whether it had been premeditated like the prosecutor had argued. If Brian Lawson's murder had been planned. For hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Had she planned to kill him?

Or had it been spontaneous? A moment of passion. Rage.

The amount of stab wounds suggested the latter. The fact that she'd gone over to his house in the middle of the night, after months of not seeing him, argued for the former. Yumiko struggled to conjure any other reason for why she would go there. But that didn't mean there hadn't been one. It was impossible to know without Magna's side of the story.

Which she didn't have.

And had yet to ask for.

She could do so right now. And might even get an answer. But it would be a hard conversation. Probably a painful conversation. For Magna especially.

And she'd had her fill of painful conversations. Not to mention, starting this particular one would no doubt lead into that conversation. The one Magna had just tried to initiate. And the one Yumiko was determinedly avoiding.

It would be hard to talk about Lawson's murder without also talking about the way the truth of that murder had been hidden from her, or the night Magna had finally ceased to do so.

So no. She wouldn't ask. Not yet.

"Does it freak you out?"

Yumiko blinked at the question.

For the longest beat, Magna did nothing but hold her gaze. "Thinking of me like that. What I did to him."

"No."

She'd felt a lot in regards to the revelation of Lawson's death but 'freaked out' had never been a part of it. Shocked? Yes. Disbelieving? Yes. Hurt and betrayed? Absolutely. But freaked out? No. Not in the way she was asking. "You forget that I've seen you kill before, Magna."

And you've seen me.

(talk about macabre bonding experiences as a couple)

"Yeah, but, this is different."

Yumiko didn't deny it. Couldn't.

"It still doesn't freak me out."

Magna hummed, the noise light - but lacking conviction.

Yumiko suspected there was little she could say that would provide it. "Does it freak you out that I know?"

Magna's mouth turned up wryly. "Little bit."

"Little bit?"

"Big bit. Huge bit."

Yumiko snorted, her own mouth rising. "Would it help if I said you have no need to be?"

I don't think badly of you for it.

And I'm not going to leave.

"It helps." Though the weakened edge to Magna's smile suggested otherwise.

Moving forward, she placed a soft kiss at the corner of that smile - hoping to strengthen it. "You have no need to be."

Magna's mouth twitched against her lips before she turned her head slightly, returning the kiss. "Okay."

But Yumiko knew she didn't believe her.

A/N: So as with most scenes in this fic, I wrote the stuff about Tyler back when 11b aired and was actually kind of shocked that the show had Magna relating to Tyler in 11c, considering how they just kind of ignored her existence in s11. So I guess this headcanon is kind of canon now?

Also, the next few chapters are going to be angsty - Magna and Yumiko have a lot to talk about - but we'll be returning to fluff afterwards, not to worry.