A/N: buckle up kids, you're in for a bumpy ride
Trigger Warning: implied domestic abuse
Yumiko idly stroked the soft skin of Magna's cheek, hoping it would soothe that lingering doubt her kiss had failed to wash away. But from the conflict waging in her eyes - carefully suppressed but she could see it, she could always see it - her efforts seemed wasted.
Magna opened her mouth, tried for a tone that might have been light - to anyone's ears but hers. "You know, there was a part of me that worried you were avoiding me because of what I did. Before the cave."
The lie.
Or rather, lies plural.
Yumiko hadn't forgotten about the stash.
"That wasn't it."
Not really. Not entirely.
But Yumiko would be lying if she said it hadn't been a factor. Just not one that would have kept her away all on its own. She regretted that her distance - avoidance - this last month had led Magna to think otherwise.
Magna hesitated. Yumiko couldn't tell if she believed her or not. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened? Just talk, I mean. No arguing." She raised her hand in a three-finger salute. "Scout's honour."
Yumiko's mouth twitched.
It was a tempting offer.
The offer of staying silent and sweeping everything under the rug was even more tempting.
"Positive."
"Huh."
"What?"
"Just. . . things really have changed. Normally you're the one pushing us to talk about shit and I'm the one shutting things down."
She wasn't wrong.
Yumiko imagined that if their friends could see them now, they'd be completely flummoxed by the drastic reversal of roles.
"It's not that I don't want to talk about it." Although, she definitely didn't want to talk about it tonight. "It's that I'm not even sure that there's anything to talk about. I know why you did it. Lied to me. I know. But it doesn't change the fact that you did it. That you hurt me."
That her nightmares about Nicole had returned again.
That she hadn't had a good night's sleep in months.
That a wound she'd worked so long on trying to heal, and which had finally started to scab over - was now torn apart. Oozing once more.
That she couldn't talk about any of it with the one person in the world she might want to.
Because that person was the reason she was bleeding again.
She clenched her jaw, that seed of anger returning, sprouting in her chest. Taking root. "But more importantly, you didn't care that you hurt me."
Magna's eyes widened slightly. "Miko-"
"I know you care now. And I know you cared before. But in that moment, you didn't. In that moment, all you wanted was to prove a point. To prove that I'd been wrong about you all along. That I didn't know you at all. That I'd never known you."
And for a while she'd succeeded. Had torn loose the certainty Yumiko had clutched all these years. Made her doubt.
Could you really know someone that had existed inside a lie for thirteen years? Who had come into your life under false pretences?
Everything she'd gone through with Nicole had screamed against it. That relationship had been born from a lie as well. Maybe. Probably. Decades later she still didn't know the truth. Would never know.
But. . .
It was different with Magna. Lie or no lie, Yumiko knew her. Knew her on a level that she had never known Nicole. Knew who she was, at her core. Had thirteen years of moments, of actions, of words, to build a picture of the woman before her now. That picture might not have been complete. Might even have been wrong in some parts. But it was real. Real in a way Nicole's had never been.
She was still Magna.
It had just taken Yumiko a little time to realize that. To believe it. A conversation with Kelly had helped.
And the cave.
The cave had pushed everything else into the background. All her doubt. All her hurt.
And then Magna had told her to leave. Told her to leave when Yumiko had known, could see that all she really wanted in that moment was for her to stay.
And that, more than anything, had confirmed the truth of who Magna was. Who she'd always been.
(Nicole would never have told her to go.
Nicole would never have let her leave)
But months had passed now and the hurt was still there. Buried. Buried deep. But there.
And Yumiko discovered that she no longer had the energy to keep it inside. For all her attempts to do exactly that, to avoid this very conversation, she found that hurt bubbling up inside her, spewing forth. And all the words she'd been keeping inside along with it.
Slowly, she sat up. Watching as Magna hastily followed suit. There was trepidation in her gaze - vulnerability - and Yumiko clenched her hand, hardening herself against it.
"I'm not angry that you killed Lawson." Because she knew that was what Magna believed. What she feared. And it was so far from the point. "I am angry that you lied to me about it. That thirteen years together meant nothing."
"It didn't mean nothing."
"Well, it felt like it," she snapped. "It felt like you'd never trusted me at all. That my feelings and our relationship didn't matter to you. That I didn't matter. Not enough for you to be honest with me." Yumiko's nails dug into her palm, the bite only increasing the burn in her chest. "And the trial. . . I lied for you."
And she hadn't even known.
Hadn't known a thing.
Hadn't been able to make that choice.
And maybe it was illogical to be upset about that - she was an attorney, after all, she'd probably unknowingly lied for many clients, it was to be expected - but she didn't care. This was different. This was Magna.
And even at the very beginning, Yumiko had trusted her more than she'd ever trusted any other client. Trusted her more than she'd trusted almost anyone, barring her family and Sonja.
She'd trusted her.
And that trust had been used against her.
She'd been used.
"I lied for you."
Magna winced a little. "You didn't know you were lying."
Yumiko couldn't tell if the protest was an excuse or a weak attempt to be comforting. Either way, she didn't appreciate it.
"You think that matters to me? I would have preferred that I had known. At least then it would have been my choice."
And I wouldn't have been left feeling like a bloody fool in the aftermath.
That sparked something in Magna's eyes, something other than guilt. "Don't bullshit. Like you wouldn't have dropped me like a hot potato the instant you learned the truth."
"That is not what I would have done."
"Yeah. It is." Magna's jaw clenched stubbornly. Her eyes had gone dark, bitterness and anger filling their depths.
Like you have anything to feel bitter or angry about in this situation.
It made Yumiko want to get up off the bed and march out the door. Slam it behind her.
But she'd only come to regret the action in the morning. Possibly even sooner. Regret not seeing this through. To wherever the hell it led.
Seeing them through.
She knew that it was Magna's instinct to get defensive in an argument. To double down. A natural response to feeling cornered. An instinct bred from being attacked so often in her life, usually for things that had never been her fault.
They rarely achieved anything through arguing for this very reason. Because it could be near impossible for Magna to listen in an argument, to not be triggered and respond without thought.
Yumiko knew it and she understood it but it still frustrated her.
She needed Magna to listen.
Needed her to-
This should have been a conversation and not an argument. She'd wanted it to be a conversation. But it was too emotionally charged for that. Their feelings around the subject too raw, too harsh.
The ghosts of Lawson and Nicole only compounded the issue, increasing the volatility level by a thousand.
Scout's honour or not, Yumiko didn't think either one of them was capable of discussing this calmly.
Still, she took a steadying breath, trying to quiet her temper. She didn't want to fight. Not tonight. Which was the exact reason why she'd tried to prolong this conversation.
"Okay, let's say for a moment that you're right. Let's say I would have dropped you. Walked away. Left." She wouldn't have. Nothing could have gotten her to walk away from Magna. "Are you going to tell me that still shouldn't have been my choice to make?"
She hesitated. "I. . ."
Yumiko stared back at her, gaze even. Challenging.
Magna let out a breath, looking away. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."
Some of the rigidity in Yumiko's muscles gave out. There was a certain relief in the answer. Relief that Magna understood this much at least, the unfairness of denying her a choice, though that relief did little to cool the anger still simmering inside her.
"You made a decision for me that wasn't yours to make."
What small acquiescence had been won evaporated, defensiveness spilling back into Magna's features.
"Clients lie to their lawyers all the time, don't act like they don't. Don't act like I was the first to do it to you. Hell, I didn't even lie, I just didn't tell you the truth."
And that tore at the threadbare covering of her control, ripped it free.
"You weren't just a client, you were never just a client! You should have been but you weren't."
Magna flinched at the volume of her voice and Yumiko swallowed, grappling to reign her anger in. Her frustration.
"You were never just a client to me."
Magna stared back at her, eyes slightly wide, and she didn't know whether it was from the words or the way that she'd snapped.
"I didn't know that," she whispered. "Not then. You know I didn't know that. I didn't know I was anything to you. Anything but a job."
It wasn't a protest this time but a fragile defence, a confession even. The vulnerability tangled with shock in her eyes, dug at the flesh of Yumiko's heart, worked away at her own defences.
"I know," she exhaled, closing her eyes, the strongest of her anger receding. Exhaustion overwhelmed the empty space left behind. "And so you lied to me so I could do that job."
Given her situation, Yumiko couldn't truly blame her for that. In truth, if she'd been a part of Magna's life back then, a part of it in the way she was now, she would have wanted her to do anything and everything to get out of that hell. Even lie.
It just hurt to be the victim of that lie.
Magna shook her head slowly. "I lied to you because I cared about you." She cringed, apparently realizing how that sounded. "Not- I cared about you. I didn't care about you getting me out of prison. I didn't think you could get me out. But I cared about you. Even if I refused to admit it. To you. Or to myself. I cared about you so I lied. Lied to keep you around. . . I didn't want you to leave. Didn't want to," she shifted uncomfortably, "be alone again. . . I was selfish."
Her chest tightened at the confession. It burned. And soothed. Left her feeling turned inside out.
"Yeah. You were." Yumiko sighed, a little more of her defences caving - she raised a brow. "You didn't think I cared about you so you didn't want me to leave?"
Magna shrugged. "I was used to people not caring about me. But you were better company than most. And, besides," she looked down, "didn't stop me from caring about you."
She resisted the urge to reach out. Touch her hand. Knew that if she did, this conversation would end now. End here. That she wouldn't be able to keep going. To say the things that she needed to.
And there were so many things she needed to say. Now that the box was open. Things that couldn't just be stuffed back inside. Forgotten. Left to fester. Rot.
Biting down on her tongue, Yumiko closed her hand. Clenched it tight.
Not yet.
She did wonder at what point Magna had switched from wanting her to leave, to being afraid that she would - so afraid that she would even lie to keep her. Because in the beginning, for that first year especially, it had been clear that Magna would have liked nothing more than to see the back of her. She'd done everything she could to discourage her from sticking around.
Except tell her the truth.
Yumiko's brow furrowed. Why hadn't she told her the truth? Back then. During the beginning of their relationship when she hadn't yet wanted her to stay, and also hadn't believed that she could help her. It would have made sense to.
But she hadn't.
Was it because a part of Magna had felt that same inexplicable connection she had, right from the start? That compulsion to linger, to not walk away, even if common sense dictated that you probably should?
Now wasn't the time to ask.
No, that was a conversation for a time when Yumiko didn't feel like her heart was being torn at the edges, a stew of anger and resentment simmering low in her gut, waiting for the chance to bubble over again.
They had other things to talk about right now.
(but first, she needed a moment)
Muscles weary and heavy as lead, she eased back down onto the mattress, closing her eyes. Allowing herself a pause in the darkness. A moment to breathe.
Her muscles cried out in relief at the reprieve and Yumiko exhaled, feeling the ache, the steady throb of exhaustion in her veins. The conversation had drained her more than she'd anticipated - and it wasn't even finished yet.
(Maybe she shouldn't be surprised, though. It was hardly the first painful conversation she'd had tonight. Not even the first one with Magna.
Clearly, she was reaching her limit.)
The mattress groaned, the hairs on her arm shivering as the air beside her shifted. Evidence that Magna had chosen to join her - whilst also keeping a rigid amount of space between them. A safe amount.
It was a good sign. That Magna was following her lead, her motions. That she hadn't chosen to stay seated, towering over her.
It gave Yumiko the strength she needed to open her eyes.
Breathe out.
"And after?"
Magna looked up. "After?"
"After the trial. After it was all said and done. All those years we spent together. . ." She clenched her jaw, the pot boiling, bubbles rising. You could have told me. You should have told me. "I get it. You were afraid. Afraid that you'd lose me. That I couldn't accept that part of you. Accept you." Now it was Yumiko's turn to look down, watching the shift of her fingers on her stomach, pressing through the sheets. "The thing is, I can accept that in a heartbeat. I can accept it because I know you. And I know who you are. I have for a long time. The fact that you killed Lawson doesn't change what I know. Not really. But everything else? The lie, the way you used that lie to hurt me. . . I find that a lot harder to accept." She took a breath, then clenched her hands slightly. "I mean, just look at the way you told me. You told me in the middle of a fucking argument, Magna. Worse - you told me to win that argument."
"I told you because I couldn't keep it inside anymore."
And maybe that was true.
Yumiko could accept that maybe that was true.
But it wasn't the whole truth.
"You told me to push me away. You told me to prove a point. To win. And in that moment, you didn't care. Didn't care if it hurt me. If you hurt me." The words spilled out, faster than she could catch them. All the words she'd kept inside, ever since that night. The ones she'd stuffed down deep when Magna had been trapped in the cave, and deeper still during their absence from one another all these months. She couldn't stuff them down anymore. "Maybe you even wanted to. On some level. You were so angry with me."
Magna's lips parted.
Eyes wide, for once it seemed she had no retort. No defence.
Yumiko let out a frustrated breath. "Why did you have to tell me like that?"
Her mouth worked, took its time. So much time. "It would have hurt whatever way I told you."
"Of course it fucking would have. You lied to me for thirteen years." She took a breath, tried to calm herself. This was why she hadn't wanted to talk about it. Hadn't wanted to fight. To ruin this. To open the door back up to all the hurt she'd tried to suppress. "But anything would have hurt less than you using the truth as a weapon."
She knew that Magna regretted lying to her.
Hurting her.
Had seen the guilt in her eyes on more than one occasion. Saw it now.
But it was clear she'd never truly thought about the way in which she'd told her. Hadn't realized how much it had hurt to find out like that.
How much it still hurt.
"You hurt me, okay? You really. . . hurt me."
Magna gazed at her a long time, mouth thinning. "I know."
Yumiko looked away, eyes squeezing shut a moment. ". . . I wish you hadn't."
"Me too." It was little but a whisper, and yet contained more emotion - more regret - than anything else Magna had said tonight.
Yumiko reached back a hand, finding hers. She wasn't sure why, only that she needed the contact, needed to wrap her fingers around Magna's and clench tight.
There was a moment's hesitation, then she felt a returning squeeze. "If I could take it back, I would. . . but I can't."
"I know."
And she did.
Of course she knew.
It just didn't change anything. Didn't stop the hurt from hurting.
"More than anyone in the world, you're the person who I never wanted to hurt," Magna murmured, voice almost too low to hear. "But I always knew that I would. And not just because of Brian. I always knew that I'd hurt you one day. I have hurt you. Lots of different times. Lots of different ways. I can't stop."
Yumiko closed her eyes and exhaled. Shook her head. "Those other times. . . they were different. They weren't like this. They were. . . it's inevitable when you're a part of someone's life that you might hurt them sometimes. Accidentally. Unintentionally." She opened her eyes, connecting with Magna's. "And I know I've hurt you too. What happened last year. . ."
Immediately, discomfort appeared on her face, tangled with guilt. It was difficult to parse one emotion from the other and Yumiko ran a thumb over the back of her hand, a sour taste consuming her mouth.
"That wasn't your fault." Magna snorted then, raising her eyes to the ceiling - and Yumiko wondered if it was only to avoid meeting hers. "If anything it was mine."
"Maybe." She was more inclined to believe the blame lay with others. Shadowy spectres from Magna's past. The kind that refused to let her go, spreading their poison into the present. "But at the end of the day, you still got hurt." Badly. "And I was still the one who hurt you."
And Yumiko would always blame herself for not listening to her gut. She'd known something was wrong, but she'd silenced the fear. Silenced it too long. And the end result, the damage. . .
That wasn't how she'd wanted their relationship to start out. Wasn't the kind of memories she wanted either of them to have. In a way, their beginning would always feel tainted to her. Even if eventually it had led into something beautiful. Something Yumiko had never imagined herself having.
And in truth, what happened had hurt her as well.
Magna had hurt her.
Without meaning to. Whilst trying to do the very opposite.
She'd hurt her.
They'd hurt each other.
(they seemed to do that a lot)
"You know, most of the times you've hurt me weren't your fault, either," Yumiko said. "Miscommunication and misunderstandings. We're very good at that."
Magna's mouth turned up in wry agreement. "Top of the class."
Yumiko could remember the first time Magna had truly hurt her. The worst argument they'd had until a few months ago. How she'd shown up at her door days later, armed with ice cream and an apology, still not entirely certain what she'd done but determined to make up for it nonetheless.
Looking back, with everything she'd learned last year, she couldn't blame Magna for that lack of understanding. Couldn't blame her for not knowing something that she'd never had the privilege to learn.
Her words that day had hurt.
But they hadn't been chosen to. Hadn't been chosen with Yumiko in mind. Hadn't been chosen with any real understanding of their meaning at all.
Lack of understanding. Miscommunication.
The source of most of the conflict that had ever been between them.
"We've both hurt each other," Yumiko said, expression sobering. "And we'll hurt each other again. That's just a part of loving someone - and being human. Making human mistakes. I know that. But this. . ."
The lie about Lawson had cut her in a way nothing else Magna had done had ever been capable of, could ever be capable of. It wasn't a mistake. Or a misunderstanding. Couldn't be blamed on unresolved trauma. It was careful, deliberate deceit. Deceit which had carried on for their entire relationship.
Every day, Magna had chosen to maintain a lie.
For over four thousand days, she'd woken up, looked her in the eye. . . and continued on her course.
How do you forgive something like that?
"It's not even just about Lawson," Yumiko continued. "Because it wasn't just one lie. I don't know how many lies it was. How many you've told me over the years. But I know that I asked you about the stash and you lied to my face." She let out a frustrated breath. "We don't lie to each other, Magna. . . or at least, I thought we didn't. I thought. . ."
I thought I could trust you.
Yumiko swallowed, before her face contorted. "You know what it's like to have your trust broken, the damage it does, so why would you break mine?"
Magna's mouth parted.
But she didn't try to speak. Didn't try to form words. Possibly couldn't.
Just as well.
There was nothing she could say right now. Nothing Yumiko wanted to hear.
No answer that could make this better.
She took a breath, hastily wiping at the sting on her cheeks, drawing the emotion back in. Apparently the wound hadn't finished bleeding. "But I could move past that, I could forgive you for that . . . because I do know why you did it. I even understand why you did it. It still hurts that you did it and I still resent you for doing it but I understand. I understand and I could move past it. But what you did that night? I don't know how to move past that."
And that was the crux of the problem.
The thing she hadn't wanted to admit. Not even to herself.
Because she wanted to move past it. Wanted to let go of this hurt and doubt and anger inside of her. To never feel it in Magna's presence again.
She just didn't know if she could.
(wasn't sure if she was more angry at herself or Magna for that)
She'd never been the kind of person to hold onto anger. To let it affect her life. Now, she didn't know if she could stop it from destroying the most important relationship she'd ever had. The greatest source of joy in her life.
Except it wasn't really anger.
It was hurt.
A kind she hadn't felt in so many years. The kind that came from betrayal.
Magna looked down. And it was only then that Yumiko realized that they were still holding hands. Still holding onto each other. She thought about tearing away, breaking the connection but couldn't find the will. Right now, Magna's hold felt like the only thing keeping her steady. Despite the hurt and anger overwhelming her, she didn't want to let go. Didn't want to lose the comfort.
"And then there's Brian." Magna sat up, hand pulling free. Abandoning her. And she could have tightened her grip. Could have stopped its escape. But she was angry enough not to try. "What I did to him." Magna hunched in on herself. "That's a pretty hard thing to move past too. You never signed up to be in a relationship with a murderer."
Only three months ago you were using the fact that we're both murderers against me.
Yumiko scoffed. "For god's sake, Magna - that's never been the issue. It will never be the issue."
It was like going around in circles. No matter how hard she tried to convey what the real issue was, Magna couldn't get past this one specific thing. The thing she saw as the root of everything. All their problems. Every fault Yumiko could ever find in her. The reason she'd lied in the first place.
Brian fucking Lawson.
For a man who'd been dead for fifteen years, he had more of a hold on Magna and her life than anyone who was alive. Her very own albatross, strangling her neck, never letting go.
In some ways, there had always been three people in this relationship. And she'd grown tired of having to share Magna with a man who had never been worth a second of her time, who'd never deserved to be a part of her life in the first place.
To have this power.
(sometimes Yumiko wondered whether, by killing Lawson, she'd only ended up immortalizing him. Ensured that his hold on her would never fall loose)
Magna's face screwed up, disbelief tangling with irritation in her eyes. "Oh, come on, Miko. I saw the look on your face that night. You hate what I did."
"I don't agree with what you did." There was a difference. "Killing Lawson. I don't think that murder is ever right and I don't agree with taking the law into your own hands," she scoffed, raising her eyes to the ceiling. "No matter how much we've done so in the last decade. . . I don't agree with it. And, yes, I know that makes me a hypocrite." She didn't need anyone to tell her that. "But if you think the look I gave you that night was because you killed the man who sexually abused someone you loved, the man who hurt you in ways I'm sure I don't even know yet. . . then you really don't know me." Magna was stiff beside her, tension rolling off her in waves. The strength of it palpable. She looked like a caged animal - and Yumiko could guess what part of her speech had triggered the reaction. But it needed to be said. She needed to know, to understand that Lawson's murder had never been the problem. Had never been the thing that broke Yumiko's heart. "The look I gave you that night wasn't because of him or what you did to him - but what you did to me. I looked at you like that because I was disappointed. I was so fucking disappointed in you. And not for killing Lawson. But for lying about it. And for using that lie to hurt me. I was disappointed because you were the one person I trusted never to hurt me. Not like that. Not like. . ."
She stopped herself. Stopped herself before the name could tumble out. Before she went too far.
Too far.
Yumiko looked away. Closed her eyes. Teeth digging into her tongue as she forced the name back down, into the depths of her.
Silence filled the aching space between them.
But only for a moment.
"Her."
Yumiko blinked. Turned her head.
Found Magna's eyes, gazing back at her. There was shame twisting within them, dark and cloying. But it was the understanding that made Yumiko's chest tighten, her breath catch.
"I reminded you of her. Nicole. . . Because that's something she would have done."
She stared at Magna for a long moment, thoughts and emotions twisting like a storm inside her chest, pushing at her teeth in desperation to come out. But she couldn't make sense of them. Couldn't pinpoint the right ones. The true ones.
The ones she actually wanted to give voice to.
Releasing a breath, she rolled onto her back again, closing her eyes.
She needed a moment. Just a moment. To collect it all together. Sort through the mess. Make sense of it. Needed a moment without Magna's face as the only thing she could see.
Because if she looked too long into that face, those eyes, she wouldn't be able to say anything at all.
"No," Yumiko said finally. Firmly. Was glad for the strength in her voice. That it bellied the current fragility in her heart. "No. . . Nicole might have used the truth as a weapon. To hurt me." On more occasions than she could count. "But the difference is that Nicole liked hurting me. That was the point." Yumiko opened her eyes, craned her head slowly to meet Magna's. Her mouth was pressed into a thin line, an angry line, but she knew that anger wasn't directed at her. Could see the questions burning in her gaze. Thousands of questions. But Yumiko couldn't answer them. Not tonight. Possibly not ever. But she could answer this one. Just this one. "And that's never been you. Not even in that moment."
"But I still reminded you of her."
It wasn't an accusation. The self-loathing in her voice too plain for that. And she hated to feed that feeling. Hated to give Magna something else to crucify herself with, something to be added to the pile of reasons why she thought she didn't deserve her, didn't deserve anything good. Another reason to think she was bad. Worthless.
But she wouldn't lie.
After a moment, Yumiko gave a slow nod. "I know that you're not her. That you would never hurt me the way she did." Never in a million years. "But it still brought it all back. . . I know you're not her."
She couldn't have Magna thinking otherwise.
Thinking that Yumiko would ever cast her in the same light as someone like Nicole.
Someone who would-
"Miko. . ." Magna sighed, closed her eyes a moment, before reaching out and grasping her hand. She found herself inordinately grateful for the strength of her grip, the way it grounded her. To the here. To the now. To Magna. "You think I don't get that? I know what it's like to see reminders of the people that hurt you in everyone around you. Did you forget what I was like when I got out of prison? Or when we first got together? I know. . . Fuck, I saw those reminders in you. Every time you helped me. Every time you tried to get close to me. Every time we kissed." Her features contorted a moment. "So I know. The difference is I actually hurt you. And I am so. . . sorry for that. I wasn't thinking about you when I told you the truth. And I should have been. You should have been my first fucking thought."
An odd calmness settled into Yumiko's bones. A calmness she had never before felt when talking about Nicole. Or when thinking about that argument months ago. The lie.
It was more than calmness, though.
It was. . . something that felt an awful lot like closure. Not a feeling she was all that used to experiencing.
"Thankyou."
Magna's brow furrowed.
"For apologizing," Yumiko elaborated. "And for doing it for my sake, not yours."
Nicole had apologized.
So many times. Too many times.
But never because she felt guilty.
Never because she thought Yumiko deserved an apology.
'I'm sorry' was just another weapon in her arsenal. Another tool of manipulation.
She suspected that was something Magna could understand. That she knew the weight of those words intimately. Just how easily they could be turned into poison.
The confusion that cleared from Magna's face after she spoke, only to be replaced by something darker, cemented the theory.
Yumiko held her breath a moment, waiting for the questions to come, trying to muster the energy in preparation to knock them back. To rally herself.
But they didn't come.
Instead, she felt the gentle graze of fingers across her cheek, bringing to light the dampness on her skin.
"I should have done it a lot sooner."
Magna's murmur was low, as light as her touch.
Yumiko smiled, the gesture weighted with fatigue - but genuine. "You're doing it now. And I didn't exactly give you a lot of opportunity."
There'd been that short fleeting space between the cave and her departure to the Commonwealth.
And tonight. When they were dancing.
She didn't much like the idea of having a conversation like this during either of those times. She also knew that Magna's admittance that she'd been right to kick her out that day on the log had been its own kind of apology. But she'd needed more than that brief admittance. She'd needed Magna to understand. Really understand.
And now she did.
The fingers against her cheek retreated and Yumiko immediately regretted their loss.
Magna's mouth turned up vaguely. "So. . . not exactly how I imagined tonight going when I started getting you out of that dress."
Yumiko snorted lightly, wiping her face. "See now why I didn't want to talk about this?"
"Yeah. I do." Magna's hand still held tight to hers. The security of her grip drained the last of the tension from Yumiko's chest, drawing out the hurt. "But I'm glad that we did. I didn't get it before. Not really. And I needed to. I needed to get this." She shifted, moving to lie down, her head coming to rest by Yumiko's. Close enough that she could feel the comfort of her breath, but not so close as to invade. "And you needed me to even more."
"I did," she breathed, before craning her head to meet Magna's eyes, gazing at her. . . "I'm glad you're here."
Glad I'm here.
"Me too," she murmured, almost too faint to hear, but the depth of emotion in her eyes was more than loud enough. Yumiko wanted to take her face in her hand, smooth her fingers along the edge of her cheek - but the shadow of something else in Magna's eyes held her back. "You were right that I was angry at you back then. Really angry. Angry at myself even more. . . But I need you to know that I wasn't trying to hurt you. Not as a defence, but because it's the truth. And you deserve the truth. After everything, you deserve it. And the truth is that, even if I wasn't trying to hurt you, I also didn't care if I did. . . And I should have cared. I'll always regret that I didn't."
Yumiko swallowed. As much as the words hurt, she was oddly grateful for them. For the acknowledgement. And to know that at least one of the fears that she'd harboured since that night had been false.
Hurting her hadn't been the goal. Just a consequence. Collateral damage.
It would make moving forward easier. The fact that she didn't have to find a way to forgive something like that on top of everything else.
Magna cleared her throat. "Even more sorry that I had something to hurt you with in the first place. That I didn't trust you. That I didn't give you the truth you deserved, even in the case that you couldn't be trusted with it. . ." Magna's voice dropped. "I messed up. By the time I realized how much, it was too late. I'd kept the secret too long."
"It was too late the moment you decided that proving a point was more important than how I would feel when I learned the truth. It hurts. That that was the thing that finally drove you to tell me - and not the fact that I deserved to know."
"I know. It was a shit thing to do." Magna looked away. "And the worst part is that I almost told you. Before that. The right way. I mean, I've almost told you so many times. But the time I came closest. . . back when we got together. Before we slept together for the first time. I almost told you. But I didn't know how to do it without hurting you. And I didn't know how to be with you when that was between us. And I don't mean just the sex, I mean. . . all of it. I didn't know what to fucking do. So I thought. . . If I left, then that would solve things. If I left, I wouldn't hurt you."
Yumiko's brow furrowed. "I remember."
Only Magna would think that running away, leaving, wouldn't hurt.
"I thought you'd just gotten cold feet."
"I mean, yeah," Magna snorted, "that was part of it. My feet were fucking icy. But mostly I just didn't know what to do. What to do to not hurt you." She hesitated. "That got harder the longer we were together. . . You know, I spent so much time thinking of the best way to tell you. If I did tell you. So many different ways. Could never decide on one. . ." Her jaw clenched. "I never meant to tell you like that. I got angry. And when I'm angry I don't think. That's not an excuse. It's just what it is. I got angry and I hurt you. The way I never wanted to hurt you. And I can't. . . there's nothing I can do to make that right. Wish there was but- I know there isn't."
Yumiko wet her lips, words storming through her head, struggling to find their way to her mouth. Because what did she say to that?
She wanted to assuage the guilt in Magna's eyes, wanted to reassure her that it could in fact be made right, of course it could be made right. But she didn't know. She really just didn't know.
Some things couldn't be.
And, in truth, Yumiko didn't need it to be made right. It happened. And it was horrible. But she could live with that horribleness. Move past it. Rebuild on top of it. That horribleness didn't have to define them or what they had. Even if it never went away.
It was a part of their journey now.
And that journey had brought them here. To now.
The Eternal Return.
So no, Yumiko didn't need it to be made right.
(and at the same time, she didn't think Magna was looking for reassurance. There was nothing but apology in her eyes - and regret)
Yumiko opened her mouth, hesitated. "I want to forgive you but. . ."
"I know." Her voice was soft. "I get it. And I'm not expecting anything, Miko. Forgiveness takes time. And I'm saying this as someone who's never been able to forgive anyone in their life. . . take the time."
She trailed her fingers over Magna's face. "I'm halfway there I think. . ."
More than halfway, if she was being honest.
She smiled faintly. "I know. You wouldn't be here now if you weren't."
Brushing her thumb over Magna's lips, lost in the softness of her eyes, Yumiko barely managed to part her mouth. To murmur the words she only now knew to be true. "We're going to be okay."
Something flickered in Magna's eyes, a shadow - or maybe a trick of the light - but Yumiko didn't have the energy to decipher it. For now, all she could do was gaze into those eyes, feeling the texture of Magna's lips, the softness of her skin.
They were going to be okay.
A/N: There's still a little bit more that they have to discuss. and magna also has her own issues that need to be aired. but we will be returning to fluff eventually!
So I'm kind of revealing/hinting at a lot of things in this fic that weren't supposed to be revealed until future fics. And I'm mostly doing that because I wanted to get at least some of that stuff out (even if it's just the seeds of it) in case my health prevents me from posting those other fics, whilst also trying to keep things reasonably vague. So there's a lot of things that are hinted at or referenced throughout this fic that will hopefully be expanded on in the future if my health allows