Every Little Thing

by wolvesjr34

Part two of the Saints & Sinners Universe. Sequel to What If It's You? It's still a soapy, soapy world. Jane and Maura are navigating their life together in Launceston, and are drawn into their friend's drama. Established Rizzles. I do not own Maura and Jane and any other character from the show or books, original characters are all my own though!

24. Chapter 24

A/N: Trigger warning for domestic violence (it's an almost happens, not an actually happens, but just in case its triggering, I wanted to warn in advance).

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Chapter Twenty Four

It was foolish to think things could be different the second time around. Clearly nothing had changed. Gabby couldn't help but chase after Melissa. The love of her life. These thoughts bounced bitterly around Alexis' brain as she stood staring at the space Gabby had vacated in her hurry to rush to the rescue. It wasn't that she didn't understand the reality, because she was an intelligent woman, she did. She knew she only had a chance because Melissa had pushed Gabby beyond her breaking point. Knowing it was one thing. Hearing her girlfriend announce it so casually in conversation with the wife of the woman in question was another thing altogether. There was an uncomfortable tightness settling in her chest and a roiling in her gut. How exactly was she supposed to reconcile her head and heart after what she had just witnessed? How was she supposed to look at Gabby the same again? Was it even possible for Gabby to love her again? Was she dooming herself to history repeating?

"Are you alright?"

Alexis' eyes snapped to Kelly and focused, drawing her mind back into the here and now. She had little desire to be honest, but she did have questions. She longed to understand precisely what it was about Melissa Sanderson that had women falling at her feet. "I'm fine. Dinner's served."

She led Kelly back through the house to the dining room and motioned for her guest to take a seat. She sat down opposite the apprehensive looking American and poured two glasses of Chardonnay. "You'll find this Chardonnay pairs nicely with the Barramundi. Bon appetit."

Kelly accepted the glass and smiled awkwardly before turning her attention to her plate. It was apparent she felt the tension Gabby had left behind in her wake. "Thank you."

Alexis ate several small bites of the fish, which she felt she had prepared perfectly, but had little appetite. She settled on moving the food around on her plate while she watched Kelly dig in wholeheartedly. At least her effort was being appreciated by one person in her life. "I hope the fish is as good as you remember it."

Kelly looked up and gently placed down her cutlery, taking a moment to study her host. "Much better than I remember, thank you. Lost your appetite?"

Alexis glanced down at her plate, where her fork had been moving food back and forth absently. She sighed, the heaviness of her heart weighing her down. "I thought it would take longer for Gabby to feel the need to play knight in shining armour."

"I don't think you need to worry. She spent the entire time we were talking trying to convince me not to give up on Missy." Kelly offered reassuringly.

It was a nice gesture for Kelly to defend Gabby like that and perhaps there was truth to what was being said, but Alexis wasn't sure it made a difference. This behaviour was inevitably going to continue and one day it might come down to a choice between something very important to her and Melissa having a meltdown. If Gabby chose Melissa on a day like that, well, she would be done. There would be no coming back from that, because while she might be capable of finding a way to accept she wasn't first choice, she sure expected to be treated like she was. It was more than fair.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Uh, sure Lexi. Go for it."

"Given you married the woman I would love to know what exactly it is about Missy that drives all you ladies wild. Because the way I see it, she's had Gabby wrapped around her finger for years. Yourself of course and now Jane has thrown away her relationship for Missy? I just don't understand."

Kelly laughed awkwardly. "I can't really speak for Gabby, but for Jane I think it's how broken Missy is. She's got a bit of a saviour complex."

"What about you? What drew you in? Surely it isn't easy loving someone that unstable."

Kelly's eyes darkened in warning, apparently even with her marriage ending she was ready to defend Melissa from any stray insults. Alexis offered a soft smile and apologised, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so petty."

"It hurts, I know. I understand what it's like being on the other side of Missy and Gabby's romance. I know the pain all too intimately. After what happened in Chicago I was blindsided by her desire to come home to Launceston. To leave me for Gabby. I didn't see it coming."

Chicago. Gabby had mentioned it once or twice in passing but had refused to go into details because it was part of 'a long story'. Alexis understood that Melissa had almost fallen victim to a killer, that much she had seen on the news, but beyond that she was clueless. This was an opportunity to learn more. "Gabby hasn't really talked about Chicago. I understand that Melissa was attacked while she was there, but Gabby refuses to go further into it."

"That's because she almost died." Kelly's voice was tight, emotion clearly caught in her throat.

Alexis stabbed at a piece of sweet potato and dipped it in the butter based sauce she had made for the fish. She popped it into her mouth and chewed, all the while thinking about what she had heard. "So that's why Gabby tolerated the open relationship they had for so long?"

Kelly sighed. "I imagine so."

"I'm sorry. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be thinking about. I'm just trying to see what others do. I'm trying to understand, because I've only ever known her as the girl who stole Gabby's heart." Alexis offered openly, realising that she was quite possibly asking a lot without offering much in return. Not to mention her curiosity wasn't the most sensitive given the day Kelly had been having. "We can talk about something else, if you'd like."

"Did you know Missy well, when you were younger?"

Kelly sounded genuinely curious and if it meant the conversation stayed on Melissa, enabling opportunities for further insight then Alexis was more than happy to answer some questions of her own. "Yeah. Gabby and I were dating when Rachael introduced them. Goodness, I think we must have been sixteen or seventeen at the time."

"What was she like as a teen?"

"Didn't Missy talk to you about all this?" Alexis was trying to figure out Kelly's angle.

"She told me things, but I always got the sense she was hesitant to tell the full story." Kelly elaborated before taking a sip of the wine.

It wasn't easy looking back, because it forced Alexis to remember who Melissa had been before she had become her rival in love. She finished her wine glass and poured another. Finally, she tried to give an honest representation of the girl she had known. "Missy radiated sadness. She was raised by the Taylor's after her parents passed away when she was young. She couldn't have been more than five or six, I think. It's a little hazy now. Depression threatened to swallow her whole, there were definitely suicide attempts. I think Rachael was desperate when she introduced them."

"Rachael was Gabby's best friend, right? The one Missy had the affair with?"

Alexis sighed. That situation was so incredibly fucked up. She couldn't really blame Gabby for not wanting to sever ties despite the broken trust. "As much as I'd love to blame all that on Missy, I can't. Rachel was practically her sister. She was definitely her protector. I heard the things she'd tell Gabby about warding off bullies in high school and I saw her desperate need to help when she first introduced them. I don't know if what they felt was real or not, I just know Missy didn't stand a chance once Rachael made a move."

Kelly looked genuinely surprised, which only prompted Alexis to shake her head and sigh. "I'm not a total bitch when it comes to Missy, Kelly. I understand she's had it tough. It's just hard to like the woman who stole your girlfriend, you know?"

Kelly stared at her for a moment and then smiled a little before breaking out into a soft chuckle. "Oh I know. Good friend stole my wife today, remember?"

"What on earth is that about anyway? My understanding is that Jane and Maura are soulmates."

"Your guess is as good as mine, Lexi. Gabby thinks because Maura left, Jane's in a tailspin and well maybe Missy couldn't help herself. Those two have always had this connection. When I saw them together in Boston, I honestly thought they were meant for each other. But no, Maura, Gabby, a mess. I don't know, Lexi. I just know it was a mistake to come back. I should have left well enough alone."

"You came back for a reason," Alexis said firmly, "Maybe just giving up is the mistake. Clearly you love this woman. I don't understand it, but I don't have to. Maybe you ought to be fighting for her."

Kelly had an almost far away whimsical look on her face. "You asked me what it is that drew me to Missy. Her tenacity. The first real conversation I had with her was right after Jane had been obnoxiously out of line. She wasn't dealing with it well but her entire reason for being in Boston was to help get Jane back on her feet. She wasn't willing to compromise her mental health, but she also wasn't willing to forsake Jane either. So she did what she had to. She got help for her struggles and she helped Jane. Quite honestly she worked a miracle if you ask me, because Jane was headed down a really dark path. Then there was the Australian softball nationals, and despite her disappointment at being overlooked for national selection she just, I dunno Lexi, I've never seen someone carry a team on their back like she did throughout that tournament. It honestly took my breath away."

That was quite the monologue and it left Alexis feeling a little confused. Kelly sounded so passionate. Clearly the aura with which Melissa had carried herself had had a serious impact and yet she was still just letting another woman storm in and stake a claim in a situation that felt eerily similar to what Gabby had experienced when Rachael had done the same. Clearly Melissa was prone to confusing her emotions. "She has a history of this. I don't think she was setting out to hurt you. I don't even think she knows who she needs. I understand if the betrayal stings too much, I really do, but Kelly you sound like a woman desperately in love. I think at the very least you should consider whether that love is worth fighting for."

Kelly lifted an eyebrow in an apparent challenge. "I think you should take your own advice. You've clearly held on to your love for all these years, don't throw it away now because of something that could so easily change in the future."

"Yes well, I suppose I can't really be encouraging you to romantically pursue Missy if I'm worried Gabby will never truly let her go." Alexis sighed and took several long gulps from her second glass of wine. "I think she's genuinely trying, I'm just feeling a bit gunshy given our history."

"Which is absolutely understandable, but talk to her first, Lexi. Let her explain."

"I will, if you'll at least consider thinking about what I've said."

Kelly nodded slowly and looked across the room, taking her time thinking about her response. Finally she spoke, returning her attention to her host. "Lexi… "

"Yes?"

"I know that tensions are high right now. The same with emotions. But I just wanted to thank you."

Alexis threw Kelly a quizzical look, unsure where she was coming from. "For what?"

"Since I've been here, away from home, my friends and my family I have felt very alone and quite frankly depressed when I wasn't pissed off at the situation. Then things started looking up and it finally felt like I was where I belonged, but now I'm right back where I started. While I know we're not friends, I do remember you quite fondly and I just wanted to say thank you for tonight."

Alexis' smile reflected the feeling she felt spread across her chest. It was nice feeling appreciated. "You're welcome, Kelly and you're right we may not be friends right now, but I am open to the possibility of it. If that's something that interests you, of course."

"Yeah, I'd like that."

---

"...and there's not enough room in this world for my pain. Signals cross and love gets lost, and time passed makes it plain. Of all my demon spirits, I need you the most. I'm in love with your ghost. I'm in love with your ghost…"

The soft melody emanating from Melissa's room was accompanied by some hauntingly sad vocals. Jane wasn't familiar with the artist but she knew it wasn't a good thing that Melissa was listening to sad songs. Jane set her duffel bag down on the spare bed and quickly made her way through the house to Melissa's closed bedroom door. She paused for a moment, hesitating, only to shake away concerns that barely had a moment to form in her mind before being pushed aside. She knocked firmly and called out, "Missy, are you okay?"

A few moments later the door opened and Melissa stood there, eyes all puffy and her face stained by tears both old and new. She didn't utter a single word. She just stood staring, searching perhaps. Jane wasn't sure, but she felt like Melissa's eyes were cutting through every natural barrier she had and it left her feeling unsettled.

As if she didn't already feel completely unsettled by her conversation with Maura and the absolutely bitter cold end to it. The ache that permeated throughout her chest threatened to overwhelm her senses and she was fairly certain Melissa could see all of her pain. She wasn't sure how she felt about that, the way Melissa could see right through to her core. It was electrifying but terrifying at the same time. She shifted uncomfortably on her feet, fighting the urge to just reach out and wrap Melissa protectively in her arms.

Finally, Jane found her voice. Though she didn't manage to say a single meaningful word, haunted by the look in ocean blue eyes shimmering in front of her. "Who are you listening to?"

"The Indigo Girls," Melissa answered, still studying Jane's entire demeanour in earnest. "What did Maura have to say for herself?"

Jane glanced away and then back at Melissa, pulling her head back in an exaggerated manner to express her surprise at how accurate Melissa's assessment of the situation was. She opened her mouth to respond, but words failed to come to mind so she snapped her mouth closed and shrugged, sighing heavily.

Melissa's arms slid expertly around her body a moment later and Jane's eyes closed as she wrapped her own arms around the athletic blonde in response and clung to her tightly. She felt Melissa nudge her chin and she opened her eyes long enough to see the silent question in piercing eyes staring back at her. She nuzzled against Melissa's cheek before answering the question with a slow, tentative kiss, her eyes closing instinctively as she melted into the moment and focused on every little sensation. The taste of Melissa's tears as they rolled onto her lips. The urgency she felt rush through her own blood. The pure magnetic sensation drawing her deeper into the kiss. The languid nature brought back memories of times gone by. The emptiness she felt the moment Melissa pulled back made way for a rising warmth when soft lips press against her neck. Melissa's breath tickled her skin and Jane's fingers dug deeper into the back she held, desperate to maintain their connection. Desperate to stay in the light. In the warmth. In the moment.

"...and I feel it like a sickness, how this love is killing me. But I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly, and dance the edge of sanity. I've never been this close. In love with your ghost…"

Jane's eyes closed as she buried her chin against Melissa's shoulder. The song found its way to her heart, wrapping tendrils around the ache left in Maura's wake. She shuddered and felt the tears as they trickled down her cheeks, she dare not say anything. She barely dared to breathe. It was a moment of utter vulnerability brought on by their embrace and the haunting words of a song she had never heard before. A moment of sheer vulnerability brought on by the memory of the ice in Maura's eyes right before she took the handle and walked out of the motel room and presumably out of her life.

"Oh God," Jane uttered quietly, her legs giving out under the immense emotional weight bearing down on her. She felt Melissa's hands wrap around her and she felt the air as it moved around them. She heard an agonised scream shatter the silence and clutched tightly to Melissa, who dragged her into her lap. She blinked twice and looked around, realising that they were both on the floor. It was the worried creases on Melissa's forehead and the concern in her eyes that made Jane realise that the piercing scream she heard had come from her own mouth.

Melissa's hand ran gently through her hair and Jane closed her eyes again. She couldn't face this. She didn't want to face this. It was excruciating. There wasn't a word in the English language that could do justice to the intensity of the heartache she felt. She tried to focus on the gentle comfort Melissa was attempting to provide her, it was her tether to sanity. She had been bending so much under the force of all the outside stimuli in her life without even realising it that no matter what she knew she needed to do for her own sanity, the heartache was a cut she was going to need to find a way to live with. Because that cut threatened to bring her tumbling down.

"Talk to me," Melissa cooed softly, continuing to run her hand through Jane's wild mane of hair. "What happened?"

"I… I can't." Jane hiccuped, bitter tears biting at her cheeks. Her chest rose and fell rapidly in time with her short sharp breaths. She envisioned pouring a hefty serving of whiskey into a glass and drinking it before pouring another. She could practically smell the cheap whiskey she had taken a liking to the last time Maura had broken her heart. "I don't understand. Why would she do this? Why?"

Melissa's lips pressed against her clammy forehead and Jane's eyes fluttered open just long enough to see compassion staring down at her, before she clamped them shut again. She was a mess and she knew it. She had tears everywhere and she was going to get snotty if she kept blubbering. She felt like she was barely getting enough oxygen and all she wanted was a drink. She dare not speak it out loud though, because if she did, she would never get the chance. Melissa would ensure that and as much as she appreciated the tether to reality her friend provided, the only way through this pain involved cheap and nasty liquor. Just one drink, maybe two.

"Why would she do what?" Melissa asked gently, her voice steady and thoughtful.

Jane knew she was trying to keep her present, and it was working. She opened her eyes and forced herself to face the concern staring down at her. She reached across her body and clasped the hand cradling her in her friend's lap. "Why would she leave? Doesn't she know how much I love her?"

"She knows." Melissa acknowledged softly.

"Then why?"

"You would have to ask Maura, Jane." Melissa's tone remained supportive, but her response didn't help at all. Not when she refused to answer. Not when she refused to explain why Jane's heart felt like it had been ripped from her chest while it was still beating. It was irrational to expect Melissa to have the answers, but her friend was so intuitive, so naturally in tune with her needs, that she expected, albeit unfairly, her friend to have some kind of answer that would make it all make sense.

"I'm a blubbering mess in your lap," Jane blurted out through her tears. She knew her eyes must have spelled it out for Melissa, because she knew she wasn't actively trying to hide anything. She was letting her vulnerability be seen. "Tell me."

Melissa stared at her for what felt like an eternity before she finally spoke, her hand moving to Jane's cheek, which she cupped, stroking gently with her thumb. "She's scared, Jane. She never learned how to love or be loved growing up. The intensity of her feelings for you, they overwhelm her. They make her skittish. She feels so much for you, but the thought of losing you keeps her awake at night. The thought that you couldn't possibly feel the same intensity she does, haunts her. She worries she'll never be enough for you. She wants you to be happy and she wants to be the one to make you happy, but it's all too much. So she runs, Jane. She runs and leaves you in the arms of another."

Jane felt the lump form in her throat. She was laid out 'in the arms of another' and yet as she continued to gaze unblinkingly into Melissa's eyes she couldn't help but question if Melissa was talking about Maura, or about herself. "Missy…"

Melissa blinked and offered a shrug, pulling her hand away from where it had lingered all too long. "Well, based on what you and Gabby have told me about her upbringing anyway. It's a theory. I dunno, Jane. I wish I had the answers you needed."

Jane decided to ignore the heaviness lingering between them following the confession-like theory. She didn't have the energy for that. Melissa was her one safe source of comfort while she tried to figure out where to even begin picking up the pieces of her broken heart. She needed to try and sift through the wreckage, which meant talking, but laying there looking up into Melissa's eyes was starting to feel a little too intimate for the moment at hand. It only served to confuse the situation, for them both, she suspected.

Jane rolled over onto her knees and picked herself up and then offered Melissa a helping hand, pulling her to her feet. Standing face to face, hands jammed awkwardly in her pockets Jane said, "She uh, she tracked me down. It seems I used our joint credit card for the motel room."

Melissa nodded slowly before stepping past Jane and disappearing into the kitchenette. Jane followed and took up a position leaning in the doorway with her arms folded across her chest. She watched as her friend took time to boil the kettle. There was an apparent heaviness settling around Melissa and she wasn't sure if it was because of the conversation they just had, or something else that had been the cause of the sad songs and the closed bedroom door in the first place.

When Melissa's palms pressed against the bench and she leaned forward, staring down at the surface in front of her, Jane started to worry. Without even thinking she blurted, "It's over. There's no fixing it."

The sobs were barely audible, but the shaking of Melissa's shoulders was unmistakable. Jane cursed herself internally before taking two long strides, bridging the gap between them. She placed a hand on Melissa's shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, alert to the fact that whatever was going through her friend's mind was causing her to withdraw. She didn't want to impose more physical comfort than may have been welcomed. "What do you need?"

Melissa ignored the question. She spoke through her own tears, like nothing was wrong. "She came looking for you, because she loves you. We've given her every reason to believe she's right, but she still came looking."

"I told her what happened between us. Not in any great detail, just, I was so angry. I'm still angry and hurt. I lashed out at her, Missy. Her eyes, I've never seen them so cold. Not even when we first met and she was practically clinical." Jane's fingers dug into Melissa's shoulder, her heart aching to the point it felt it would explode if she didn't let it out somehow. "It's over because it has to be."

Melissa swung on her then, causing Jane to let go and step back in surprise. "Why Jane? Why does it have to be? Why would you just give up on a love like that?"

"Because you weren't wrong, Missy. She's a runner. I can't deal with that. I can't keep chasing her, it'll kill me." Jane's voice was raspier than usual from the emotion catching in her throat.

Melissa sighed and looked beyond her shoulder. There was something going on in her mind but Jane couldn't figure it out. It worried her, but she was so caught up in her own pain that she didn't have the energy to explore it. The life she had built with the love of her life had been ripped apart at the seams and there was no repairing the damage. She had to figure out how she was supposed to move forward knowing that she'd never share the little moments with Maura again. That she'd never get to wake up before her and just stare at her beautiful face. She'd never get to look into curious hazel eyes and just know she was where she belonged. She had to figure her way through the world without her other half.

Should she even stay? Perhaps returning to Boston and her family was the best chance at recovering some resemblance of herself. But what would become of Melissa if she did that? She couldn't just walk away from her friend either. Regardless of what it was brewing between them, she was needed, desperately. That mattered. It had to matter, because right now there wasn't much left to hold onto.

"Maura is undoubtedly the love of my life…"

"I know." Melissa said softly, her eyes finally showing a willingness to lock with Jane's.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this without her, but I don't have a choice. I can't deal with all the running. I've been nothing but loyal to her, Missy. I just, I can't do it."

"I know." Melissa's smile was sad, her eyes clearly displaying a deeper understanding of the situation. Jane wasn't sure why she was so sad, but she didn't question it.

"Just, please don't lose yourself to your grief."

Just like the first time around Melissa represented the only life preserver she could find to ride the waves of overwhelming grief threatening to drown her. Just like the first time, at the height of her pain she found salvation staring at her from deep, ocean blue eyes and just like the first time she knew it was a bad idea. She didn't doubt for a minute that the upheaval in both their lives had allowed her to uncover feelings she had buried deeply in her pursuit of Maura. She had no doubt that she hadn't truly gotten over Melissa, and in this moment at the height of her own agony she wanted more than to simply ease her friend's pain.

Jane reached out and tucked several strands of hair back behind Melissa's ear. She let her hand linger there as her eyes flicked towards lips that were licked in anticipation. It wasn't that they hadn't already been intimate. It wasn't that they hadn't even already kissed mere minutes before. It was that this moment was loaded with electricity and magnetism.

"It's not real," Melissa warned.

"I know I'm not who you imagined standing here and you're not Maura, but that doesn't mean this isn't real. We keep circling back around to each other for a reason, Missy." Jane said, desperation seeping through every pore as she moved her hand down to Melissa's cheek, which she stroked with the back of her fingers. "Tell me you don't feel it too. Tell me I'm crazy, Missy."

"I can't tell you that," Melissa admitted quietly, her hands coming to rest on Jane's hips as she shifted her body closer so that they were almost touching. "Any of it. I can't say that you're not that one I imagined standing here, just as I can't tell you this isn't real, because I don't know Jane. I just know that if we give in to this now, we're going to go down in flames and I don't know if I can come back from that again."

Jane swallowed down the emotion catching in her throat. Her eyes trying to stay glued onto the eyes piercing her very essence, but still dropping to lips she wanted to accost with her own. She ached to touch Melissa again, to bury herself in the one pure love she felt she'd ever had. It took all her restraint not to bridge the gap between them and to focus on the words Melissa spoke. Of course she was afraid of the intensity brewing between them. She had been burned the first time. Who wouldn't be? After all mere moments ago she was admitting the depths of her love for Maura. It was messed up. She knew it, but she didn't want to fight it. She needed something to hold on to and the way Melissa still made her feel, even after three years of suppressing those feelings, well she didn't want to ignore it. She didn't want to lose that good feeling, not again.

"I understand if you feel like I'm just falling back to a safe option, but let me be real clear about something. I fell in love with you back then. I was happy with you. I was ready to move forward. She swooped in and did her thing, but that won't happen this time. I won't betray you a second time."

Melissa's face screwed up in confusion. Her eyes darkened dangerously. Jane quickly rewound what she had said in her mind and felt dread creep along her spine. Melissa never knew of the second kiss. All she knew was that Maura had staked her claim and she had turned her down. Hell she'd even literally fought Gabby in her attempt to honour Melissa's love for her and now, now she was stuck staring into eyes that were anxiously trying to work out what the Hell she had meant by mentioning betrayal.

"How, Jane? How did you betray me?"

Melissa's hands fell away from her hips and Jane knew she was in trouble. She could tell the truth or she could try to play it off. She felt a tightening in her chest. In her haste she had inadvertently pushed them to a precipice. She could very well lose Melissa the very same day that Maura had walked away for good. She wouldn't come back from that and her body knew it. She was agitated and oh so desperate. "Missy, please, it's not… It's the past. It was a mistake, I chose you. Just like I'm trying to do right now."

Melissa stepped back, vigorously shaking her head. "You never chose me, Jane. You settled for me out of fear and that's all you're trying to do right now."

"Christ Missy, the happiest I've ever been in my life was when I was with you. There was no fear of you leaving. There was no fear of not being good enough. You gave me everything and I was willing to do that for you. So no, you don't get to call it that." Jane growled angrily, hating the labels society forced them to put on things. Hating the belief that you could only really truly love one person, because she knew that wasn't true. She didn't even know how she was still standing with the new grief piling on top of the grief from Maura. "I chose you. I'm choosing you now. I've been choosing you without even realising it, Missy. Christ, you think Maura would just run like that, without good reason?" Jane's hands rubbed at the back of her neck as she turned away, she couldn't keep staring into the deep blue abyss of Melissa's eyes knowing she had caused the fresh hurt in them.

"How did you betray me?" Melissa's voice was hard, and it sent a terrible chill down Jane's spine.

"I kissed her alright?" Jane said, swinging back around and glaring at Melissa, her chest heaving under the pressure of the situation. "I picked her up and carried her to the counter and kissed her like I'd never kissed anyone, until this afternoon anyway. But that's all that happened. I swear to God, Missy. It was just one crazy kiss."

Melissa's lips were on her before she could comprehend the pace with which Melissa had closed the distance between them, wrapping herself fiercely around the stunned American. Jane instinctively lifted Melissa and set her down on the counter, innately aware that this moment was pivotal. Whatever had gone on in Melissa's brain, be it jealousy, understanding or something else entirely, this moment mattered. This kiss mattered. She slid between Melissa's legs and gripped her waist as she welcomed the deepening of their kiss. In the past she had been the one to take control when their kisses deepened, but earlier this afternoon and more so in this moment, Melissa was asserting herself and Jane conceded, allowing Melissa the control she yearned for. They kissed intensely for so long she was struggling to breathe when Melissa finally pulled away. "I… uh… wow… that was…"

"Forgiveness." Melissa whispered softly, her lips ghosting across Jane's cheek.

Jane pulled back just enough to search her eyes, and it left her feeling shaken. It was obvious that Melissa felt it too, the thing between them that had never really gone away, at least not for her anyway. It was also obvious she remained hesitant. Jane's hand drifted to the scar on the Australian's neck and she traced over it with her finger tips, her eyes conveying the regret she felt about that particular moment in time. "I should have been with you. I'm so, so sorry."

Melissa gripped her wrist and pushed it away from her neck. "Don't," she warned, her mood apparently still tempestuous, understandably so. "Don't make me consider the possibilities. He surprised us Jane. The only thing that would have changed is that two people would have died that day."

"No." Jane replied fiercely, a raging fire building in her chest. Her chin set defiantly with an understanding it had taken her a long time to reach when it came to her own situation with Hoyt and his last failed attempt to make her suffer. If Maura had been trapped with them, if her life had been in danger, she wouldn't have stopped until the threat was extinguished, even if it meant she died doing so. There was zero hesitation in her mind. She would have done the same for Melissa. "I would have stopped him, Missy. I would have never let him hurt you."

Melissa brought her hand up to her face and stroked her cheek gently, her eyes sparkled with certainty. "Oh I know. I have no doubt about that, but I also know what I went through. I fear you would have died in the process, and I just, Jane, I wouldn't have been able to survive that. It might not have been that night, the next day or a month from then, but I know if I lost you that day every last ounce of my humanity would have disappeared. I'd be nothing more than an empty shell. I'd have died right alongside you."

Jane listened intently. She heard every word. Every gut wrenching word. Except her brain interpreted the words quite differently. All she took from the way Melissa was looking at her, touching her and speaking was that there was no doubting their bond. Melissa was effectively saying, 'I love you Jane, I've never stopped loving you and I can't imagine a future without you in it.'

"Come to Boston with me," Jane blurted out, "Come home with me, Missy."

---

Gabby slammed her palm against the steering wheel repeatedly. She was parked outside Alexis' house just trying to reel in her emotions, which were bubbling over like a volcano ready to erupt. The look of absolute desolation on Melissa's face when she'd made the decision to withdraw from being an active participant in her life was seared into her brain. She didn't even have to close her eyes to conjure it. It just danced in front of her as if it were a projection.

It hurt. It hurt so much that her brain did the thing it always liked to do when the sadness was overwhelming. It turned the pain into a visceral anger. Which was why she sat in her truck, slamming her palm against the steering wheel. Because Kelly's rental was still parked in the drive and it didn't matter that their conversation had been amicable before she abruptly left. It was different now. Walking away from Melissa brought back all the pain of what she had lost and who she had lost it to. The fact Melissa had even said yes to Kelly, was more than enough fuel for the raging fire that was her anger. She was so done and she knew if she walked back into that house while she felt the way she did, she might just lose it all. Because the only vision that could push aside the look on Melissa's face when she left, was her memory of punching Kelly in the face and the feeling of satisfaction that came along with it.

Thunder rolled overhead. Storm clouds had moved in surprisingly quickly from the north west and the pitter patter of rain hitting the roof of her vehicle intensified. She was going to be drenched if she waited much longer to go inside the house. Gabby glanced over at the front door where the outside light was on, at least Alexis was waiting on her to return. Although she couldn't imagine it would be that easy or that sweet. Quite the contrary, she had very obviously hurt Alexis with her words and then she had left. Her girlfriend was going to be livid. That wasn't a good situation for either of them to be in, not with the ripples of anger that rolled through her body increasing her agitation. If she went inside, they would fight. It wouldn't be some little back forth that turned out to be a little spat. No, it would be the verbal equivalent of stepping into a boxing ring. There'd be no winners.

Gabby's phone dinged and she checked the message. It was Alexis.

Are you going to come inside, or are you just going to sit outside all night?

Well, at least the message had been civil. At least she was clearly welcomed inside, but it didn't change Gabby's very real fear that things would escalate quickly and painfully, for everyone involved. Her phone dinged again.

Please come inside, we need to talk.

Gabby started to tap out a reply before deleting it entirely. She pocketed her phone and thumped her steering wheel one more time for good measure. Leaving was the best option, but it was also the worst. She sighed heavily and cast her eyes back towards the house where she saw Alexis silhouetted in the light pouring out of the open front door. She removed the keys from the ignition and climbed out of the vehicle. She locked her Triton and made her way up the path slowly, despite the rain having tripled in intensity. She'd rather be cold and shivering than dry and losing control of her temper.

Gabby barely met Alexis' concerned gaze when she stepped past her into the house. She pulled off her socks and shoes and left them beside the stairs, not wanting to traipse the water further into the house. She climbed the stairs two at a time and made a beeline directly for the bedroom ensuite. She paid little attention to anything other than the sound of Alexis' footsteps trailing right behind her.

"Sorry for leaving like that," Gabby mumbled while peeling her t-shirt away from her body, dumping it unceremoniously at her feet. The rain had really been coming down, she felt like she had been soaked to the bone.

Alexis grabbed a towel from the rack and held it out. Gabby grabbed it after stepping out of her sweatpants and kicking them to the side with the t-shirt. "I know I've hurt you, for which I am genuinely sorry. I had to make sure she was okay."

"Am I wasting my time here, Gabby?" Alexis' tone was sharp and her question wasn't at all expected. Not straight off the bat anyway.

Gabby couldn't imagine being in a more vulnerable position. Her underwear had joined the pile of wet clothes and it was just her and the towel wrapped around her middle. In the mirror above the sink she could see hurt reflecting back from Alexis' eyes. Gabby hung her head and pressed her hands against the sink. How was she supposed to answer that? She understood why Alexis felt the way she did, but Alexis clearly lacked the understanding she needed from her partner at this time. "Can we talk about this later?"

"So you've got time to talk to Missy when she summons you, but you can't talk to me right now?"

Gabby closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose. The knuckles on the hand still bracing against the sink went white. "Can I just have a damn minute?"

"It wasn't a difficult question, Gabrielle."

"You really want to do this right now? With Kelly in the other room? Seriously, Alex?" Gabby's voice rose along with her incredulity at the situation. Yes they had to talk, but it should be done in private, not with an audience of one. "Do you think maybe I could take a hot shower and get dressed first?"

"Do you think you could look at me?" Alexis fired back.

Gabby opened her eyes and glanced at her girlfriend's reflection in the mirror. She wasn't happy. Not that she could blame her. Gabby sighed heavily and slowly turned to face Alexis. "Okay. I'm lookin' at you. Can I please take a shower?"

"Am I wasting my time with you?" Alexis doubled down on her previously unanswered question.

"I dunno Andy, you fuckin' tell me." Gabby spat back angrily, choosing the nickname she knew would antagonise Alexis further.

"It's never going to change, is it? You're always going to go running when she needs you. You're always going to put her first!"

"You have no damn clue what's going on Andy, so just fuckin' stop."

"Then explain it to me."

"I can't." Gabby roared, her eyes flashing dangerously as she clenched her fists at her sides. "So just leave it alone."

"You can't? Or you won't?" Alexis asked defiantly.

"I can't," Gabby reiterated.

The sound of her phone receiving a message caught both their attention and Gabby exhaled her frustration as she had left it in the pocket of her pants. She knelt down to fish it out of the pocket. It was Maura. Of course everyone had to come looking for support for their relationship dramas the same night she had blown a gaping big hole in her own relationship. A gaping big hole she wanted to fix, if everyone would just give her a moment to freakin' breathe.

"Let me guess? Maura, right?" Alexis questioned bitterly.

"Yes, my best friend who found out today that the love of her life has been fucking mine. So yeah Alex, forgive me for being needed." Gabby knew her response had been absolutely bitter and antagonistic, but she didn't care. She was so close to blowing it all up because it might just be easier than trying to navigate the minefield she had created for herself.

"So what, I'm not second priority in your life, but third? Should I just go to bed and hope that you get to me sometime this week? Do you even care about me at all, Gabrielle?" Alexis fired a barrage of angry questions in return.

"You really think I'd be here right now if I didn't care?" Gabby ground out between her teeth. She placed the phone down on the bathroom counter next to the sink and focused on breathing in and out. Her anger was rapidly approaching the next level. White hot rage. She couldn't stop it while being forced to defend herself. It didn't matter that Alexis was more than within her rights to be concerned and asking those questions. All that mattered was that the pressure she'd been under was ready to release. She needed alone time to cool down and better regulate her emotions.

"Honestly, at this point. I just don't know. I told you I won't be a rebound."

Gabby whirled back around and stared wide eyed at her girlfriend. She was blowing this all up well and truly out of proportion. "You're acting like you didn't already know what she means to me. I've never lied to you about that. You asked for this. So please, please just give me some space. I just need a minute, or two."

"Well, what can I say Gabrielle? It's one thing knowing it and another, hearing you just openly say it to the wife of your ex-girlfriend."

"For fuck's sake Alex, it's been a few weeks. It's not all going to change overnight. Just, fuck… you gotta leave babe. Let me take a shower and decompress. I'll answer your questions after. Please."

Alexis folded her arms across her chest. "How can I be sure you're not just going to shower, change and chase after your other ex lover?"

There was an extra little edge in Alexis' voice that struck the last nerve Gabby had holding her composure together. Her heart felt like it was going to pound right out of her chest and she could hear her rapidly increasing heartrate in her ears. Her vision clouded over and she had an uncontrollable urge to punch something and the only target in her sights was Alexis. Her fist flew before she realised what was happening. She only just managed to pull the punch at the last moment, mere millimetres from Alexis' jaw. The problem was she still needed an outlet for her rage, a rage only being stoked further by the hurt settling in the pit of her stomach. She turned and launched her fist at the mirror.

"Fuck," she yelled, pain shooting down her arm as she collided with the mirror. Glass shattered and bit into her hand. She pulled her hand back and looked at her knuckles, there were tiny shards of glass sticking out, but she wasn't bleeding too badly. It could wait. She turned back around to look at her girlfriend and found her looking absolutely terrified.

Gabby felt ashamed, but all she could see was red. There was no calming down in this situation without time to breathe. "Get out," she said quietly.

"Gabby…" Alexis whispered, shakily.

"Get the fuck out now!" Gabby roared, her fists clenching at her sides, a grimace appearing on her face from the pain caused by the glass shards still embedded in her knuckles.

She turned her head sideways towards the door when she heard rapid footsteps and watched as Kelly arrived latching hold of the doorframe to halt her momentum. She locked eyes with Kelly, stared her down and said, "Get her out. Now."

Kelly didn't even look at Alexis, she nodded briefly in apparent acknowledgement and maintained their eye contact as she shifted a little further into the room. She reached out and grabbed Alexis' hand, pulling her towards the doorway. She used that hand to push Alexis out the door, while holding her other hand up in front of her body, elbow bent, palm out. Gabby ground her molars together, not at all feeling calmed by Kelly's efforts. She felt her feet flex, she was antsy, ready to strike like a viper if Kelly did a single thing she didn't appreciate. Kelly backed up slowly, never taking her eyes from Gabby until she had quite gently pulled the door shut, effectively severing their eye contact.

Gabby's entire body shook from her rage and she flexed her damaged hand, allowing the pain to sear into her brain in an attempt to drag herself closer to normal. It wasn't working. She pressed her hands against the wall and hung her head, attempting to breathe her way through the worst of it. She slammed her palm repeatedly against the wall before turning and sliding down to the ground. She was desperately trying to distract from the white hot rage screaming through every nerve ending. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she brought her head to rest against the tiles behind her. She barely managed to resist slamming her elbows into them as she breathed deeply, feeling the rage bleed away to a churning simmer.

For long moments she just tried to breathe. It was difficult, but she was well versed in this song and dance. Eventually, Gabby stood up and turned on the shower taps. She started to shiver the moment steam began to circle the room. The frigid cold from earlier now felt nearly crippling in combination with the hollow chill left from the earlier look in Alexis' eyes. Fear. Her girlfriend was afraid of her and Gabby felt like screaming. Her temper could very well be the end of them.

She stepped into the heated water and instantly felt pins and needles all over her body from the contrasting temperatures. As her muscles began to loosen, so did the knot in her chest. She took deep breaths and focused on the rhythm her lungs created when they synced up with the random sob that escaped her throat. She was an emotional wreck. It had been too much. Everything was too much and there was only one person that Gabby could think of who could be her anchor in the shit storm that was her life. Gabby picked up the soap with determination. She would shower, get dressed and go downstairs to apologise. She didn't know how she would be able to speak the actual words, but she would find a way. Then? Then she would do what she should have done earlier instead of walking into this damn house. She would call Maura.

---

Kelly was pissed. Alexis was pacing across the kitchen, shaking, and Gabby was holed up in the bathroom upstairs surrounded by glass and six feet of whatever bullshit she had just tried to pull. Kelly felt her fists ball up in anger as she thought about the shattered mirror and the looks in both women's eyes as she had peered inside the small bathroom. If Gabby had actually hit Alexis, Kelly would have buried her under that six feet of whatever it was that had caused her to act so aggressively.

Kelly moved toward Alexis when she heard a sob tear from her mouth. Kelly took her in her arms and rocked her as the woman clung to her like a lifeline. It was clear that Alexis wasn't used to violence and that actually brought comfort to her. It meant this was probably the first time Gabby had acted this way, at least toward Alexis. Another muffled sob was let loose on her chest, where Alexis had buried into, and Kelly knew she had to call someone.

There was no way in Hell she could face Jane and Melissa was a huge bone of contention in Alexis' relationship. It had to be Maura. Her and Gabby were best friends anyways, right? With everything changing so much lately, Kelly couldn't be sure they weren't on the outs right now, but she honestly didn't care. The woman in her arms had to take priority over yet another bout of lesbian relationship drama. Kelly rolled her eyes as she took her phone from her back pocket. She dialled Maura's number and held Alexis at arm's length as the woman started to reach for the phone the moment she said Maura's name. She ignored the pleas to hang up and the insistence that everything was fine. She explained to Maura what happened as Alexis continued to argue in the background, still being gently held back by an outstretched hand. Kelly hung up the phone after Maura clearly stated an assurance of a ten-minute time frame. It was said over the sound of an engine being started in the background, so Kelly felt a bit more reassured that everything was going to be okay on the Gabby front fairly soon.

She looked at her one-time fling who was now standing across the room with her arms circling her waist. She was staring at the floor and looking timid and embarrassed. Kelly was not about to allow whatever her thought process was in that moment to continue. She moved in front of her slowly, with her hands out and clearly visible. The small flinch she saw made Kelly want to rush up the stairs and beat the shit out of Gabby for ever making Alexis feel this way. Gabby knew how Melissa was and yet now she was making her own girlfriend exhibit some of the same traits.

"Lexi? Honey, look at me, please?" Tear filled eyes slowly did and Kelly felt her heart squeeze at the look of vulnerability she could see there. She couldn't help it when she moved forward. Kelly took the woman in her arms and rocked her gently as she cried. She whispered calming words and rubbed her back, all while peppering kisses into her hair. Kelly tensed up herself for a moment at the realisation of what she was doing, but quickly decided that once again where Alexis was concerned, she simply didn't give a shit. It didn't matter that her hair smelled divine. It didn't matter that Alexis felt right being in her arms or that Kelly felt like she could face off with an entire Spartan army if she needed her too. What mattered was that Alexis was safe now and Kelly would make sure she stayed that way. Even if it meant protecting Alexis from her own girlfriend. She couldn't help the sneer that tugged at her lips, but she wrote it off as using this opportunity to do what she couldn't for her own wife. Jane had that covered, after all. The sneer widened and she held Alexis just a little tighter as she heard an urgent knock on the front door. She slowly released her new friend and moved towards the stairs, stopping at the tentative but strong voice behind her.

"She doesn't need to be here, Kelly. Gabby is my girlfriend. I can handle this. You… you don't need to be here either."

Kelly looked into those beautiful eyes. Eyes that she had once drowned in with pleasure and acknowledged that it wasn't her place to make any decisions for Alexis or Gabby in regard to their relationship. Too bad she didn't care about what she should do right now. She walked closer towards Alexis and ran her fingers through the soft hairs at the base of her skull. She lightly massaged the neck muscles there and felt some tension leave the area. She had found that stress spot all those years ago and the slight sigh that followed assured her she still knew the correct location for it.

"She's not staying here tonight, Lexi. Maura knows how to handle her temper." Kelly watched those soulful silvery grey eyes close in both relief and resignation.
It was only due to the fact that Kelly was so close to her that she heard the sorrowful whisper that followed.

"I don't want to be alone."

Kelly took the woman into her arms and ignored the second round of knocking on the front door for a moment.

"You won't be. I'm right here Lexi. I'm not going anywhere." Kelly knew the amount of relief she could feel pouring off of Alexis shouldn't warm her the way it did. There was no time to think about it as a third set of knocking became even more insistent.

"Let me go for a minute sweetheart. Maura's here." Kelly made her way downstairs and swore she could see the same sense of relief in Maura's eyes as she invited her inside the house. Maura would make sure that Gabby would be okay, and Kelly had been there to get Alexis out of a bad situation in time. She refused to let her mind rush back to a time when she had been too late to save the life of Talia and far too late to save the mind of her wife. Kelly looked into Alexis' eyes and felt grateful that this time she hadn't been late. This time it hadn't ended in such a bleak and shattering way. Kelly ignored Maura's thoughtful looks as she maintained eye contact with Alexis and smiled.

---

The hot water did a fine job of warming her body and easing some of the built up tension in her shoulders, but it didn't cleanse Gabby of her guilt and shame. Something she could only describe as an unholy churning stirred up her gut, her nerves had steadied a little, but she had dropped from fifteen on a scale of one to ten to a seven or eight. She was still so angry and she was reluctant to walk down the hall and face the music. She was afraid to. She had come down from her rage enough to recognise that she had been incredibly close to doing something she couldn't come back from. In her entire life, with all of her anger, she had never once swung at a romantic partner. Sure, she had swung a few punches at Jane and Kelly over the years, but they were rivals and they were more than capable of defending themselves and fighting back if necessary. What had happened mere minutes ago wasn't something she could stomach or easily forget.

Gabby dried herself off with the towel, while standing and staring into the broken shards of the mirror still attached to the wall. Her image was scattered and torn, her eyes a tumultuous storm. She didn't like the person staring back at her, not one bit. She picked at her hand, using her finger nails to dig out the remaining stubborn shards of glass that hadn't popped out in the shower and washed harmlessly down the drain. She then did her best to sweep up the broken glass in the sink and on the surrounding counter top and dumped it in the trash bin by the toilet. It was the least she could do. Clean up the mess she had created. If only the emotional ramifications from her actions could be as easily swept away.

Gabby found her overnight bag and dug out some dry underwear, and proceeded to dress back up in the pantsuit she had hung up on the back of the door. She then walked back into the bathroom and stuffed her wet clothes into her overnight bag and folded the towel over and hung it back up. She grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her pocket. She flexed her damaged hand one more time as she cast a final look at the broken mirror. It was fitting really, the image staring back at her felt a perfect representation of her soul. Broken.

Gabby wasn't ready. She felt just like she did before she walked into the house. She was a powder keg ready to explode. It would only take the smallest of sparks. She sat down on the edge of the bed and gently glided her hand across the duvet cover. It was silky and smooth and comforting. Her eyes lifted and looked around the room. She breathed in deeply and memorised the scent. Alexis' scent. The mixture of her perfume and natural essence. Her first love. Her one great hope at some kind of future that didn't feel so lonely. She took a mental snapshot of the small piece of serenity, because she suspected she wouldn't be back any time soon. If at all. She didn't deserve this woman.

Gabby finally stood. One way or another she had to leave the room, because she had to leave the house. She couldn't stay here. She was a danger to everyone around her and she simply couldn't abide it. Not now that she truly understood what she was capable of. She slipped her backpack over one shoulder and opened the bedroom door. Her feet reluctant to step over the threshold. She heard Kelly's voice filter down the hall. The woman had some nerve, speaking such tender words to her girlfriend. Her hands clenched by her side. Her anger silently ticked over to a nine.

"Fuck," Gabby muttered to herself. She was ready to fight. Kelly had to leave. She couldn't go out into that room and not lose it. Gabby didn't know what to do, because if Kelly was smart and clearly she had proven to be so, she wouldn't be leaving. Not while she was still here anyway. She sure wouldn't have if roles were reversed. No way in Hell would she leave a vulnerable woman alone with someone that had threatened physical violence against them.

It was the sound of Maura's voice filtering down the hall that finally enabled Gabby to put one foot in front of the other. Just hearing her voice was enough to bring her anger down a couple of notches. She normally had a bigger impact, but it was apparent even to Gabby in her current state that what was happening was not her normal. This was a new, very scary level.

When Gabby walked out into the open planned main area of the house her eyes immediately sought out and found Maura, who looked at her with nothing but warmth and compassion. Gabby closed her eyes for a moment, breathed in and out and reminded herself that Maura was a safe space. When her eyes opened again she couldn't help but search for Alexis. Her eyes honed in on her girlfriend, half hidden behind Kelly who was puffing out her chest and standing protectively in front of her.

Alexis refused to meet her desperate gaze. Gabby opened her mouth to say something, anything, apologise even, but no words came out. Her girlfriend was so terrified she was hiding behind Kelly and staring at the floor. She couldn't exactly fix this by beating the crap out of herself and so her mind turned its focus to Kelly. The woman actually had the nerve to hold her arm out in front of Alexis, as if she were responsible for protecting her. That wasn't her job. It stoked the flames of Gabby's anger. She practically felt the veins popping on her forehead. Gabby's vision clouded over with a red haze and she stepped forward, her hand curling into a fist that she absolutely would have thrown without a second thought, if she hadn't felt a familiar hand gently grab her bicep.

Gabby blinked several times and glanced sideways, she could see Maura saying something to her. She couldn't hear the words, the blood rushing around her eardrums was so loud. Her eyes must have looked as wild as she felt because Maura held on to the one arm and then slid her body expertly into her line of sight, cutting off her view of Kelly and her over protectiveness. Alexis was her girlfriend. Wasn't it enough that Kelly had already ensured she would never hold the love of her life again? Did she have to try and claim her first love too?

Gabby stepped forward and reached her arm out in an attempt to brush Maura aside, but Maura stepped back and shifted sideways, her dance moves coming in handy as she kept herself planted between Gabby and the target of her ire.

"Look at me, Gabby. Eyes here," Maura said calmly, motioning with her hand at her own eyes. "That's it, now breathe. Okay, good. We're going to leave now."

Maura didn't wait for an answer, she simply linked arms. Gabby walked side by side with her until they reached the stairs. She kept looking back over her shoulder at the two women staying behind. Alexis looked so small, and Kelly looked like she was ready to kill. Gabby tugged lightly at Maura's grip, but didn't genuinely challenge it. Maura nudged her forward, once again placing herself between Gabby and her triggers, refusing to break her grip on Gabby as her best friend led her down the stairs.

At the base of the stairs Maura grabbed Gabby's shoes and handed them to her. She then grabbed an umbrella, all the while continuing to keep her calming touch on Gabby's arm. Gabby held onto her shoes and followed Maura, stepping under the umbrella as she was led to her own vehicle. She looked questioningly at Maura.

"Your keys," Maura said softly,

Gabby dug them out of her pocket and unlocked the doors with the fob. She allowed Maura to shuffle her into the passenger seat and close the door behind her. She set her shoes down at her feet and watched as Maura climbed into the driver's side and adjusted the seat so that she could better reach the pedals. She handed the keys over at which point her cognisance of what was happening around her became practically non-existent. Her mind took her to another place and time.

"Gabby, are you alright?" Alec asked quietly.

Alright? How the Hell could she be alright? She felt sick to her stomach. She knew it would be bad having to watch footage of the accident. But to be sucker punched like this? Gabby was far from alright. "I think I'm gonna be sick," she mumbled.

Alec's hand immediately went protectively to the small of her back. She allowed it because she knew he was processing too. He had been crushing hard on Rachael since their academy days. He'd never done anything about it and now, it was too late. So if he needed to play the protector for a while, she'd let him. Because what they had just watched tipped her entire world view on its head and she doubted it would have been easy for him either.

There had clearly been a heated conversation leading up to this moment because Rachael had chased after Melissa and she had spun on her suddenly. They'd spoken and then her best friend had made a move on her girlfriend. That alone was enough to twist the knife of betrayal into her back, but the urgent, desperate response from Melissa told her that this was not the first time. It was worse than that though, much worse. Melissa's reckless crossing of the road had to be fueled by heightened emotions and from the look on Rachael's face before she leapt into action, pushing Melissa out of the way of the SUV, her best friend had been in love.

An uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of her stomach, because she had the very distinct feeling that it wasn't one sided. Her girlfriend returned those feelings. It was her apparent struggle with them that had led to this tragic accident. For a brief moment Gabby wished she could have swapped places with her best friend. She wished she could have been the one to sacrifice her life for the woman she loved, so that she didn't have to feel the red hot steel of betrayal. So she didn't have to figure out how the Hell she was supposed to move forward with the knowledge she now had. Her relationship was over and she had no one she could unleash her wrath on, because the person she blamed the most had gone and sacrificed her life with a really, really stupidly heroic act.

Alec turned the screen off, slid around in front of her and gripped both her arms firmly. "I know it looks bad, but we don't know what happened. Not really, so don't blow it all up without talking to her."

"Were we watching the same footage Alec?" She had to wonder, "Because that was clearly my girlfriend and best friend in love with one another."

He shook his head. Apparently he disagreed. "That was Missy breaking Rachael's heart and she still sacrificed herself for the woman. Fuckin' hero in my book."

The momentum of the vehicle coming to a sliding halt jolted Gabby from her uncomfortable journey down memory lane. So many nights she had spent wishing she had never seen that video. So many nights she wished she never found out. So many nights spent just wanting to reach out and pull Melissa back into her arms, but stubbornly refusing to do so because of all of the emotions tied up in that one event. Because dealing with the grief of her best friend's death and the circumstances around it was something she had steadfastly refused to do. It was much easier to hold on to her anger. Except now she had been holding onto it for so long and the fresh wounds had been piling up in the nine years since, to the point that she couldn't control it anymore.

"Are you alright?" Maura's concerned voice snapped Gabby's attention back to what had just occurred.

Gabby processed what she could remember feeling and realised that Maura must have had to slam on the brakes. "What happened?"

"Just a little inattentiveness or ignorance to the road rules by the driver of a Subaru, but no harm done." Maura had the vehicle moving again and kept her focus on the road, however she reached her hand out and brought it to rest on Gabby's thigh. "If you want to talk about what happened with Alexis, I'll listen no judgement. If you don't, that's okay too."

Gabby stared at the hand on her thigh. It was a sign that Maura was all too comfortable with her, when she shouldn't be. Not anymore. She was clearly capable of terrible things and it pained her to realise that Maura was too trusting. She absolutely loved her for it and was thankful to have a friend who refused to be afraid and show a willingness to provide comfort, but it worried Gabby all the same. Thankfully the hand was having the soothing effect that she hoped Maura was aiming for, but her emotions were still threatening to suffocate her. So she didn't say a word in reply, just shifted her head to the left and stared out the passenger window through the rain at the passing buildings.

They travelled in silence for a couple more minutes until Gabby realised Maura wasn't taking her back to her own home. "You missed the turn."

"I don't think it's wise to leave you alone tonight." There was little emotion in Maura's voice, it was merely a calm statement of fact and there really was no arguing with Maura when she had her mind made up.

Gabby simply nodded and returned her head back to its position staring out the window. She slipped back into her own mind, which was a battlefield littered with memories fighting for her attention. It was as if every single pivotal moment in her life was screaming to be prioritised. They were storming forward with the tenacity and grit of the ANZACs at Gallipoli; they would not be denied. She was not prepared.

"...and the last thing she would want is for us to wallow in our grief."

Gabby clenched her teeth as she listened to Monica eulogise her sister, the reality was beginning to set in. There'd be no more softball Saturday's competing against or cheering each other on. There'd be no more Saturday nights sitting around eating pizza, drinking beer and watching the latest movie Melissa had picked. It was funny how they had always just let Melissa pick. Though she had done it because she loved the woman and well, she realised that was undoubtedly Rachael's reasoning too. She'd never know for sure though, because she'd never get to ask her. Damn Rachael for leaving her alone to pick up the pieces like this. Damn her to Hell.

Gabby wiped at her face, convinced that her eyes were going to betray her attempt at stoicism, but there weren't any tears. She must have looked heartless in a room filled with people sniffling at the bare minimum. Her best friend had been beloved. She was boisterous and vibrant in life. Loyal and true, well, almost. Although who was she to judge? Rachael had always been protective and loyal to Melissa. It was selfish to think that just because she was the best friend, that someone who felt like family didn't take priority. Someone had to look out for Melissa. Someone had to have her back. Especially now.

An all too familiar hand entwined with hers, causing Gabby to glance sideways. Melissa's face was tear stricken. Her entire body wanted to revolt against the touch, because it had only been a week. A week wasn't enough time to process what she had learned. The betrayal. The heartache. The stolen future. The loss of her only family. Burying Rachael today, left her with just one, and that one she could barely look at.

Gabby needed time, but once she had been able to heal, or more than likely shove all the hurt down in a box she would bury deep in her psyche, she'd honour the memory of her best friend. She would step into the void created by her absence. She would make sure Melissa was alright. That she got to live the life Rachael would have wanted for her. Because it was easy to hate at a time like this. All too easy. Being a better person. Being the rock. The pillar. The safe place. That was Rachael's legacy, and no matter how mad she was at her best friend, she had to honour that. She would honour that.

"I'm so, so sorry," Gabby cried out. Her heart lurching from the memories. She had made a promise to a dead woman at her funeral and she had broken it. She hadn't been able to honour it. She had been selfish. Because if she had truly honoured Rachael's legacy she would have swallowed her pride and forgiven Melissa a lot sooner than six years later. She would have been the woman Melissa needed her to be. She would have helped Melissa achieve her dreams. She would have worn the green and gold. She wouldn't have needed to resort to shenanigans to don the red white and blue as a giant up yours to their home country for putting her in the too hard basket. She'd be married to the love of her life. Hell, they might even have had kids by now. She most certainly wouldn't have had a need to walk out of Melissa's life. If only she had kept that promise. If only she hadn't been so selfish.

"For what, Darling?" Maura asked gently.

Gabby shook her head and looked around. She was inside the house, sitting on the couch in the living room. The television was on with the volume turned low and her hand had been bandaged up. When the Hell had that happened? Maura was sitting next to her, studying her carefully. Gabby didn't even recall the vehicle coming to a stop, let alone getting out of it and walking down the garden path surrounded by trees. "I… what? When?"

Maura looked concerned but her voice remained calm as she grounded Gabby with a simple touch on her arm. "Ten minutes ago. You don't remember coming inside?"

Gabby shook her head in the negative. She was starting to worry. Something was definitely not right. "I can't turn it off. All the memories. I'm right back there when she died. When it all changed."

Maura gently rubbed up and down her arm. It soothed her a little, but it wasn't having the same effect it was having before. It certainly wasn't having the same effect it would have back when she was recovering from the accident that nearly took her life. When the anxiety would start to overwhelm her, Maura would rub her arm and talk softly to her. She would ground her in the now. Gabby needed that now more than ever, because her heart was pounding in her chest. She felt like it might explode from her grief.

"You're okay. You're here with me, in a safe space. You're okay." Maura cooed, as if on demand.

Gabby knew without this woman her outcome from the evening would be bleak. She had hope, simply because Maura Isles was her friend. Because Maura Isles understood her in ways that Alexis didn't and perhaps couldn't. Nobody understood her like Melissa, but she couldn't exactly go down the road and knock on the door. Not after choosing to walk away. That wasn't fair. She chose to subject Melissa to finding her way through life without her, so she had to navigate life without Melissa. Thank God for Maura.

"I'm in the mood for a Christmas movie," Gabby said, at random. Her brain decided to take her back to a different time once again, except this time it was a happy memory. It was two glorious hours snuggled up on the couch while Maura squirmed in good natured distaste at the 'Christmas movie' Jane had suggested. The way she had disputed the merits of the classification had been adorable. Of course after the movie ended they had inadvertently walked right into the end of their lives as they knew them. On second thoughts she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

Maura pursed her lips and shook her head. "The fact that you and Jane insist on calling Die Hard a Christmas movie, baffles me. However, I am sure I can accommodate your request."

Before Gabby could voice that she had changed her mind Maura found the movie and pressed play. It was oddly comforting, maybe it wasn't the worst idea in the world afterall. Maura shifted closer on the couch, but she didn't cross into her space and Gabby appreciated that. The fact her best friend understood that she had to be the one to set the pace. She had to be the one to choose any level of comfort above and beyond the hand to her arm or knee. She wanted that comfort though and one closer look at Maura made the cracks in her facade become apparent. Of course. Jane. Gabby mentally kicked herself. Maura's life was falling apart and yet she was there trying to pick up the pieces from the mess she'd made of her own life. The woman was a damn saint.

"May I hold you?" she asked, knowing that being the one to hold Maura against her body would bring them both the exact kind of comfort they needed in that moment. Maura's answer was to immediately tuck in under her arm and snuggle up against her chest, eyes forward on the television. Gabby sighed contentedly. At least she still had this.

It didn't take long for the actions of John McClane on screen to become meaningless. Gabby's eyes glazed over and stared unseeingly as the sounds of gunfire and explosions on the television faded into nothingness. Alexis had popped into her mind and it set off a domino effect as her brain flashed back through so many pivotal points in their relationship. From stolen looks in home economics to a rather unexpected first kiss in the girls locker room before the rest of the netball team trailed inside. The sneaking around and pretending to just be friends until they were both able to be honest with their respective caregivers. The freedom they felt when they could sit on the couch snuggled up watching a movie in their own homes without fear of being hated for who they loved. It was incredibly freeing and it had helped Gabby heal from the unexpected loss of her parents when she was only fourteen.

Tears fell down Gabby's face, unbeknownst to her as the good memories were followed by the bad memories. The fights over the time she was spending with Melissa. The fights over her career choice. The night it ended.

Gabby slipped out of her boots and kicked them by the door then gingerly followed the smell of dinner. She found Alexis in the kitchen dishing up fettuccine with an alfredo sauce. She offered a tired smile and said, "Smells good."

Alexis turned with a smile on her face, which quickly faded when her eyes raked across Gabby's body. "What on earth happened?"

Gabby wasn't sure what the fuss was about. Sure she had gotten into a little scrape and had skinned her knees through her navy blue slacks, but it could have been a lot worse. Not to mention it had been quite exhilarating getting to tackle a perp like that. "It's just a little broken skin, I'm fine babe."

Alexis tensed up, her face drew back tightly and she dropped her gaze from Gabby to the countertop. Gabby shifted uncomfortably because it was apparent Alexis was biting her tongue. It was beginning to feel like there wasn't anything she could do to make Alexis happy. It was a frustrating feeling that had been building during the past several months. She was at her wits end.

Alexis grabbed the dinner bowls and carried them through to the dining table set up in their one bedroom flat's living room. The bowls hit the table top with a little more force than usual and the cutlery was firmly slammed against the table. Oh yes, it was very apparent that Alexis' mood had nosedived completely. She was so easy to anger these days, it was exhausting.

A heaviness settled in Gabby's chest. She was tired. Tired from the day's adventures and tired of the way Alexis would look at her anytime she got hurt, even though the worst she had ever had was a few cuts and bruises. She loved being a cop. She was tired of spelling that out too.

Gabby settled down at the table and offered a brief thank you before picking up the fork and stabbing at the pasta in her bowl. She wished she was anywhere but here. She wished 'anywhere' was with Melissa and she couldn't help the smile that crept across her face just thinking about her friend. She had no doubt Melissa would actually cheer her on for today's pursuit and tackle. It was the kind of support she longed for at home, but it was nowhere to be found.

"What are you smiling about?" Alexis asked.

Gabby sighed loudly, deliberately, ensuring her exasperation was clear, before proceeding to lie through her teeth. "Just happy to be home, here, with you."

"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?"

So this is what it's about. Gabby sighed heavily and placed her fork down. She took the time to meet Alexis' jealous gaze. If she really wanted to pick this fight for the umpteenth time this month, then fine. "Yeah, I am. I was thinking she would cheer me on for my good work today."

"Well excuse me for not enjoying the woman I love putting herself in constant danger day after day. It's a horrible way to live, not knowing if you'll be coming home each night."

Alexis was pulling out all the big guns tonight. She was clearly itching for a confrontation. Gabby couldn't just walk away from the job to meet Alexis' demands even if she wanted to, which she didn't. Far from it, in fact. She was a lot closer to walking away from her girlfriend, than ever walking away from the job. Because the same old argument every other day was beyond tiresome and frustrating. "Can't we just go one night without fighting? I'm tired, Alex."

"Can you go one night without thinking about her?" Alexis shot back viciously.

Gabby understood Alexis lashing out in anger, because she wasn't wrong. Despite how out of sync they had become in recent months, Alexis still knew her intimately. She had been sensing the shift that was taking place. A shift that undoubtedly left her girlfriend anxious and worried. Because something had obviously changed between her and Melissa recently, the kid she had been friends with for years had grown into a woman with the sweetest smile and the kindest heart.

She wanted to be around Melissa, because she felt good when she was. She felt seen. She felt happy, which was something she hadn't been feeling lately with Alexis. It pained her to acknowledge it, she couldn't bear to admit it outloud, because she had given five years to Alexis. They had planned their future together, they were in the middle of living it. She didn't want to break any hearts, but if something didn't change soon then she would only be staying out of obligation, because she couldn't take much more of this.

"What are we fighting about here? Missy or my job?" Gabby asked, clearly exasperated.

"Both."

"Just spit it out, whatever the Hell it is that's got a bee in your bonnet."

Alexis dropped her fork into her bowl and pounded on her chest right over her heart. "This, Gabby. It hurts. I'm hurting. All I want is for you to be safe and for you to let me love you, but all you're doing is withdrawing from me."

Gabby shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She was under the microscope here and she knew she would be found lacking. She should have been putting distance between herself and Melissa once she realised there was an attraction there, but she hadn't. She should have been open and honest about her frustrations with Alexis, which she had been to a degree, but she should have tried to be less confrontational while doing so. The fractures cropping up in their relationship weren't all because of Alexis. She had been trying but she had been largely ignored. Gabby's jaw tightened and she nodded slowly. "I know it does and I know you're right. You deserve better."

Alexis' eyes widened and her mouth dropped open a smidgeon, her shock at Gabby's forthright answer on full display. She reached across the table for Gabby's hand. Her eyes indicated her desperation to rekindle their connection. "Talk to me love, because I see you slipping away a little more each day."

"I… I don't know what to say," Gabby admitted softly.

Alexis' grip on her hand tightened. "Tell me I'm not losing you to her, Gabby."

"I'm not sure I can tell you that."

Alexis' hand recoiled and pulled back into her body almost as quickly as she pushed back out of her chair and ran out of the room. A muffled sob could be heard from the kitchen and it absolutely wrenched Gabby's insides with sadness and guilt. This was a woman she had loved since she was sixteen. This was her first love. A shy girl who had grown into this confident, exceptional young woman whose heart she was absolutely shattering. For this reason Gabby followed Alexis into the kitchen, desperate to somehow fix the mess she was causing. "I'm sorry," she uttered quietly. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Too late for that," Alexis said bitterly, her back turned and her arms wrapped around her own middle as she clearly looked to comfort herself.

Gabby didn't know what to say. What could she say in this situation? Her heart was torn between her old love and a new one. She hadn't crossed any lines physically, she wouldn't dare, but she hadn't even tried to shut down the runaway train that were her feelings for Melissa. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and attempted to wrap her arms around Alexis to comfort her, but found herself rebuffed.

"I'm still here." Gabby's words lingered in the space between them.

Alexis turned around and locked eyes with her girlfriend. Her face was tear stained, her heartache plain to see. "No," she said softly, "Your body might be here, but your heart isn't. Not anymore."

Gabby stared for a long time before shaking her head and leaving the kitchen. It was a selfish move, but she felt like she was beginning to drown in her conflicted emotions. She longed to comfort Alexis, but knew it wasn't welcome and would only wind up being a cold comfort anyway. Their relationship was destined for ruin, if it wasn't already there yet and she only had herself to blame.

Gabby reached up and pulled her hair out of the bun it had been in for work and shook it free to release the tension she felt building in her head. She needed some fresh air. She had one shoe on when she heard Alexis enter the room. She didn't look up until she had put the other shoe back on.

"Where do you think you're going?" Alexis asked, her face betraying her surprise that Gabby was actually walking out mid conversation.

"Out."

Alexis' eyes flashed with jealousy. "Missy, right? You're going to see Missy."

It had never actually been her intention, but now she was thinking maybe it ought to be. "Yeah, actually I think I am going to go see her."

"So that's it then?" Alexis asked, a hardness to her tone, "You're choosing her?"

"I… I don't know. Alex, stop pushing me. Please. I'm still here. I've been trying to fix us, but I'm suffocating under the weight of your expectations. You've known who I am our entire lives and yet you still hammer me about my job. A job I love, Alex. I just think if it makes you that unhappy, then this is never going to work between us because I'm not willing to compromise on this. This is who I am. Do you get that, Alex?"

"Bullshit." Alexis spat angrily, her finger pointed directly at Gabby. "This is about your feelings for her. You've never cared in the past that it upset me when you came home hurt, but lately you've been sulking something chronic. So grow a pair already and just admit what we both know. You're in love with her."

Alexis had started the night with a few verbal jabs, but her last statement was the equivalent of a haymaker and it hit hard. Gabby actually found herself leaning against the front door for support. Her girlfriend had dared to verbalise something she never wanted to verbalise and had barely been able to admit to herself. Her life wasn't supposed to go like this. She had one foot out the door and her girlfriend knew it. Gabby sighed heavily, her silence was deafening.

Alexis' face fell, all of her anger withering away with the understanding that came with no verbal denial. Gabby wasn't even trying to pretend anymore. She took two steps forward, but hesitated, apparently second guessing her instincts. Finally her shoulders fell and she asked, "Do you still love me?"

Her girlfriend looked so small at that moment just standing there hesitant and afraid. Gabby erased the gap between them and swept Alexis into her arms, thankful she allowed it. She wiped the tears from her face with her thumbs and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead. "Of course I still love you Alex, don't ever question that."

Alexis looked searchingly into her eyes and Gabby knew she needed confirmation, something to believe in and because she wasn't sure she was ready to walk away from five years building a life with her, she gave it. She leaned in and captured her lips gently, their mouths moved together with a familiar synchronicity that should have provided a sense of comfort to them both, but all Gabby tasted was tears. They weren't just those of her girlfriend, but her own too. She gently stroked Alexis' cheek as she brought the kiss to an end and buried her face against the crook of her girlfriend's neck. An awful sensation rolled through her body in the form of a violent shudder. She felt Alexis' grip on her back tighten and bit down on her own lip to bury the sob that wanted to escape.

"It's okay," Alexis said quietly, "You can't help who you love."

"I want it to be you," Gabby sobbed against her shoulder.

Alexis stroked her back in an attempt to calm her. She felt lips press against the side of her head and she just knew Alexis was going to do what she couldn't bring herself to do, because she had one foot firmly planted in the past and one in the future. Gabby shook her head vigorously, " Please don't."

"I won't," Alexis responded softly, her hand continuing to stroke Gabby's back in a soothing manner. "I'll never leave you my love, but you can't stay for me. Look at what it has already done to us."

Gabby knew Alexis was right. Her heart had betrayed them both and she had to own it. She had to do the right thing and that meant acknowledging that as much as she still loved Alexis, it was dull and worn and faded. She hated herself. She hated herself to the point she had refused to even acknowledge for the longest time her feelings for Melissa. It was such a betrayal to the woman whose heart was breaking and yet still providing her comfort. "I'm so sorry Alex. I know you're right. I can't stay."

Alexis pressed one more lingering kiss against the side of her head and then let go of her hold, stepping back to arms length. She nodded slowly and attempted to harden her features, but failed miserably. "Goodbye, Gabrielle."

Gabby took one last look at Alexis, felt her heart clench for what had been lost and then turned and walked away. It wasn't easy stepping into the unknown and perhaps if her heart hadn't been leading her astray she would have tried harder to make it work, but she knew she didn't belong here. Not anymore. It was time to move on.

"I can't stay," Gabby mumbled, her eyes finally coming back into focus on the screen after a particularly loud scene. She blinked and remembered where she was. At some point she had romanticised her relationship with Alexis in her brain. It had been great for a long time, but then it really wasn't. Between Melissa and her job, they had grown apart. Had she just put Alexis through a terrifying moment for nothing? Was she even capable of loving her again? "You need to move," she ground out between her teeth, a fresh surge of irrationality threatening to bubble over into something a lot more dangerous. "Please."

Maura listened and immediately moved away from Gabby, taking up position on a nearby armchair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Gabby slowly turned her head so that she could meet Maura's questioning gaze. It was obvious she was concerned, but what could she say? How did she even begin to unravel everything she was feeling? Things she didn't want to be feeling. She wasn't even sure how she had pulled the punch. She was absolutely clueless as to how she had pulled back from the big scary red line that no one should ever cross in a romantic relationship. "I think I should go to bed."

"The spare bedroom is freshly made up. I'll be just across the hall if you need me for anything at all."

Gabby nodded and climbed to her feet. She needed some space and Maura understood that. She'd always known how to handle her tumultuous temper and she was thankful for that. Especially now that she didn't have the control she once had to be able to walk away on her own if she needed to. She stopped at the doorway into the foyer and looked back, "Thank you, Maura. Goodnight."

---

"Come home with me, Missy."

Melissa froze upon hearing Jane's desperate plea. She understood the desperation, she felt it herself. With Gabby's decision to walk away she had found herself feeling so incredibly lost. The fact that her ex-girlfriend's parting gift was to rip open a gaping hole in her soul wasn't helping her emotional stability either. She had been spiralling back into the past when Jane had returned and knocked on her bedroom door. She'd seen her standing there and for the briefest moment her eyes deceived her. It was like she was staring at a ghost.

Melissa gripped Jane's shirt and pulled her closer, wrapping her legs around her waist. She didn't want her going anywhere, not while she truly considered what had been put on the table. This was Jane. She couldn't ignore the request. She had to think about it, but she needed more information. She didn't want to make assumptions, not in this situation, not with so much on the line. "What are you actually asking of me, Jane?"

Jane's hands were on Melissa in a flash, one at the nape of her neck and one against her waist. Jane leaned in and brought her forehead together with Melissa's, it was deeply intimate and it had a surprisingly soothing effect. "Let me ease your burden. Let me take care of you. Let me build a new life with you."

They were some pretty heavy words and they didn't sit comfortably with Melissa. Jane's heart was crushed by Maura, she shouldn't be making huge life decisions right now and Melissa had learned the hard way of what happens when Jane is impetuous and jumps in blind. Her heart would end up paying the price again and she wasn't sure she was ready to handle that, because Jane was right about one thing. There was still something lingering between them. Something that felt powerful and primal. It wasn't something that should be trifled with and it most certainly shouldn't be explored until they had both had time to heal. Because she needed to heal too. She first needed to confront her demons.

Apparently her hesitance was obvious to Jane, who decided to take action rather than to stand there waiting for answers. The kiss was surprisingly tender, not what Melissa was expecting in this situation, not with Jane being so amped up. She couldn't stop herself from melting into it and Jane's arms, which slid around her body, pulling them impossibly closer together. She wrapped her own arms around Jane's neck and delved further into the kiss. Of all the kisses they had shared on this day, this was the one leaving her emotionally bare. It had her yearning and aching for all the things Jane said she wanted and it scared her.

Melissa pulled away from Jane's lips and allowed her legs to dangle freely against the counter once more. She wanted to speak, to say something, anything really, but she couldn't. She was haunted. They were in the very place Rachael had told her she loved her for the first time. Standing over the counter waiting for toast to pop, Rachael had just blurted it out and sitting here on the counter Melissa finally realised that while Gabby had been shooting from the hip hoping to hit something, she'd hit the bullseye; she was in love with Rachael all those years ago. Before she knew it she was sobbing and pushing past Jane, rushing out of the kitchen and out of the house.

It was raining, but Melissa didn't care. Jane was chasing after her, but Melissa didn't care. The sobs that ripped from her chest were the only things that almost brought her to a halt, but she kept moving. She half ran, half stumbled her way through the streets of Launceston, Jane hot on her tail. It was only going to be four or five blocks, but she wasn't going to stop until she reached her destination.

Melissa could hear Jane calling out her name, begging her to stop, clearly confused by her literal running away, but it was meaningless. In this moment in time nothing else mattered other than her one solitary thought to return to the scene of the accident. To be able to stand in the spot she stood with Rachael when she ignored what the ache in her chest was telling her. When she ignored the unbelievable pull that kept urging her to remain in Rachael's arms and to let her soothe away her guilt and fear. To return to where the entire trajectory of her life changed and the lives of so many others. People she loved. People she cared about. People she had never been able to truly trust, because her heart had always been convinced that they would leave. That they would be like her parents. That they would be like Rachael.

Melissa ran as fast as her legs would carry her, paying little heed to anything around her. It was bucketing down with rain and she was drenched to the bone and could barely see in front of her, but still she ran. Street lights reflecting extra vibrantly from the wet surface of the bitumen were barely noticed and the traffic completely ignored. As she reached the corner opposite Prince's Square she didn't even hesitate, or look both ways, she just kept moving.

There was a horn blast and the sound of rubber squealing as the steely grip of Jane's fingers wrapped around her arm, yanking her backwards away from the road and the out of control vehicle that slid through the intersection.

"Jesus Christ, Missy. You're going to get yourself killed."

Jane looked and sounded angry but immediately drew her into her protective arms. Melissa sighed against her chest, turning her head to check what happened to the vehicle that almost hit her. Thankfully it course corrected and made it through the intersection in one piece. She let out the breath she had been holding. She had almost caused history to repeat. "I'm so, so sorry," she murmured against Jane's chest, squeezing her eyes shut and clinging tightly to ride out the waves of fresh grief flooding her system.

Jane pulled her closer, entangling them further. Her grip felt desperate and it sent jolts of shame straight to Melissa's gut. Her recklessness had clearly put the fear of God into Jane and it only served to remind her that Jane's emotions were heightened and desperate.

"Don't scare me like that." Jane murmured softly between tender kisses to the top of Melissa's head. "Talk to me, Missy."

"I need time, Jane. I need… I need to talk to her. I need to apologise… she needs to know." Melissa responded between deep breaths she took in an attempt to calm herself down. She pulled back, using her arms to create separation when Jane clung to her, clearly reluctant to let her go. "Please Jane."

Jane's eyes bored straight through to her soul, despite merely roaming over every inch of her body to make sure she was indeed okay. "Who, Missy? What's going on?"

Jane looked so beautiful standing there with her hair slicked back from all the rain. In reality they were both bedraggled messes, soaked to the core, but Melissa couldn't help the smile that curled at her lips. "I need to let her go," she explained, "So that I can finally accept the truth that's been staring me in the face for years."

Jane appeared to study Melissa closely and then she turned her head and paid closer attention to their surroundings. It only took a few moments but Melissa saw the recognition when it appeared on Jane's face. She reached out and squeezed Jane's hand, "I'll be back soon."

Without another word Melissa checked the traffic and crossed the road. The moment she crossed the threshold into Prince's Square in an attempt to retrace her steps from that fateful day, her mind took her right back.

"So what are you thinking for lunch? Because I was thinking we hit up The Royal Oak. I'm dying for a good parmi." Rachael enthused, taking Melissa by the hand as they entered the park.

Melissa smiled, relishing the comfort provided by their entwined hands. "When are you not in the mood for a good parmi? Might just be the better question."

"Well you've got me there." Rachael smiled effusively.

Her mood clearly hadn't been impacted by Monica's ambush that morning. It was a different story for Melissa, who was expending a lot of energy trying to exist in the moment while processing the conversation she had ended up having with Monica herself. A quick sideways glance at Rachael and the flutter in her chest was undeniable, she cared greatly about this woman, but she wasn't Gabby. She was Gabby's best friend. She was in the middle of a full blown affair with Gabby's best friend. The guilt that was usually held at bay until she was alone, or hanging out with Gabby started pouring through the floodgates in her heart. It threatened to consume her.

As a result her hand slipped from Rachael's. They really ought not be holding hands in public anyway, they were literally pushing their luck doing that in a small town. Going out for a meal was one thing, it wasn't an unusual occurrence, but the little intimate behaviours, they had to stop.

"Hey," Rachael said firmly, tugging her arm to get her attention. "What's going on?"

Melissa stopped walking and turned to look at her lover. "I just… we shouldn't hold hands in public. If someone saw us. I don't ever want her to hear about this from anyone but us."

Rachael appeared to study her for a long time. Melissa wondered what she was thinking, but whatever it was went unsaid. Instead all she got was, "Okay."

They walked in silence for a few metres, until they reached the spot that always sent chills down Melissa's spine. The spot where she had almost been beaten to death for being a lesbian. She shuddered and paused. That had turned into a very pivotal night given all the dominos it set into motion. Dominos that led her to this moment, standing side by side with Rachael, staring at a patch of bitumen, flashing back to being curled up in the foetal position while feet hoed into her.

"I thought we might lose you that night." Rachael spoke quietly, emotion clearly caught in her throat.

'We' was the perfect choice of word, because they were in the middle of a very messy situation. "Why haven't you asked me to leave her?"

"Because when you do… if you do, it needs to be your choice. If I pressure you into it we will never work." Rachael sighed, "I know what she means to you."

"If you did, you'd have never kissed me that day." Melissa's tone was harsh, but it wasn't accusatory. She knew as well as Rachael did that they had both felt the tug of inevitable attraction pulling them together. If Rachael hadn't kissed her, she may well have been the first to make a move. The magnetism had been that strong between them. It still was. Even as they stood there, falling into what could be an incredibly painful conversation, Melissa wanted nothing more than to be swept up into Rachael's arms and kissed passionately.

Much to Melissa's surprise Rachael agreed with her. "You're right. I should never have made the first move. It was selfish. I've been selfish and I'm sorry for that, but I can't help the way I feel about you Missy. I can't help the urgency I feel when we're alone. Now that I know what it's like to hold you and touch you, I don't want to go back."

Melissa understood that all too well. It was why their affair had gone on so long. Because everytime she worked up the courage to end it, to stop cheating on Gabby, she'd find herself lost in a kiss or underneath the woman beside her. Her body was reacting just thinking about it. "How can you stand knowing that I go home to her most nights?"

Rachael slid around in front of her and looked at her with surprisingly soft eyes. "What other choice do I have? I'm the other woman, Missy. I try really hard not to think about her touching you the way I do, because when I do, it makes me so angry. I don't want to be sharing you, but I do, because the thought of not having you at all… it's such a bleak, lonely sensation. I can't even begin to describe it."

Melissa tried to put herself in Rachael's shoes for a moment. She thought about what it would be like to be the other woman. To be the one wanting someone she couldn't have entirely because the object of her affection went home to another woman each night. She imagined Rachael touching another woman the way she touched her and it immediately made her feel sick. She had to look away, she couldn't look Rachael in the eyes and it was just a single fictional thought. She had to figure this thing out fast, not just for Gabby's sake but Rachael's too. She deserved to be happy, and what they were doing couldn't possibly be making her feel that way.

Rachael's hands found hers and Melissa didn't fight it, she felt like she owed her that much. Her friend… her lifelong protector… her lover. This woman standing in front of her with the most loving eyes had never said a bad word about Gabby despite how obviously horrible it was to be the other woman, but worse than that, the other woman with real feelings. A lump formed in her throat the more she thought about it. Perhaps that's why Rachael never pushed her on it, she must have surely known deep down that she would always choose Gabby. How couldn't she?

"Hey, hey Missy, don't do that. Stay here with me, please." Rachael actually sounded desperate. Melissa couldn't blame her. She surely sensed that her time was running out. This thing between them couldn't go on like this forever. A choice had to be made and her love for Gabby was genuine, even if her actions might paint a different picture. But so were her feelings for Rachael, right? She couldn't really be cheating for the thrill of it could she? Because there was nothing thrilling about it. There was urgent desperation laced with bouts of crippling guilt and fear of being found out.

This wasn't the kind of life she wanted to live and yet one look into Rachael's eyes could calm almost any storm brewing within. It wasn't helping right now, but she suspected that was because she knew a decision had to be made and she was no closer to knowing who to pick. She may have felt like her mind was made up when she talked it through with Monica, but standing here looking into anxious eyes, she was torn.

"Rache, I'm so sorry but I need time. I need to figure this out. We can't go on like this forever. Someone is going to get hurt."

"Missy, please. Please don't rush this. I'll back off if that's what you need, but please… Please don't just go back to her because it's a safe bet. I love you Missy, you know I do."

"Hey, are you alright?"

Melissa blinked. She was standing on the street just outside the gate where she had stood the day it all changed. A young woman with an umbrella appeared quite concerned. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just caught in a memory."

"Heck of a time for it," the young woman said with a smile.

"Oh yeah, I'm going to need a nice hot shower when I get home. You have a lovely night." Melissa waved the young lady off in the hopes she would get the picture, thankfully she did.

"It wasn't your fault, Missy." Jane said quietly, stepping from the shadows. "You do understand that, don't you?"

Melissa shook her head. She couldn't believe that Jane was still here in the midst of a summer storm, keeping an eye on her. She was like a guardian angel. Always there right when she needed her most. It was comforting. She didn't agree with Jane's assessment of the situation though. "I told you what happened here, once before. You said it was her choice. I agree, it was. But, I kept denying my feelings. I've denied them for nine years, Jane."

"You were in love with her."

Melissa nodded timidly, as if admitting it outloud would condemn her for running scared and costing Rachael her life. She'd never once told her how she felt because she spent so long denying it. Gabby was an innocent party and her conscience just couldn't allow her to accept breaking her heart by choosing Rachael, but it had happened anyway.

Jane pulled her into her arms and held her tightly against her chest. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Melissa knew. She understood that this was Jane acknowledging her pain and allowing her time to feel it. It was Jane choosing to be there, regardless of the circumstances. It was Jane loving her in her own way. "You're a lot like her, you know."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. So incredibly stubborn." Melissa teased.

Jane pressed several kisses into her sopping wet mess of hair, but didn't say a word.

"Protective. Fierce. Loyal."

"I'm sure I would have liked her."

"...and Catholic." Melissa smiled to herself. It was starting to make so much sense. She had always been drawn to Jane, but she never really felt it until they took the trip down memory lane during their first visit to Prince's Square. She never really felt it until she was forced to look back and once she did it was almost as if her heart was given permission by an outside force to love again. Melissa didn't really believe in ghosts, but she couldn't help but wonder if Rachael had been hanging around, waiting for the right person to come along. If ghosts did exist… well it just made sense. "I think she helped me open my heart up to you, in all honesty."

Jane simply hummed against the side of her head, maintaining a steady hold, gently rocking them back and forth. Melissa felt warm and safe, despite the cold rain biting at her skin. She always felt safe in Jane's arms.

"Since the accident, it's only ever felt truly right with one person." Melissa admitted softly, "I've spent so long trying to shove square pegs into round holes, Jane. I fell back on what was comfortable, what was safe, what I knew. I didn't listen to my instincts. I ran the only time it felt right." She leaned back, for this she had to be able to see Jane's eyes. More importantly Jane needed to see hers. "It feels right with you Jane. It's always been you. I won't be walking away this time. If she wants you back, she's going to have a Hell of a fight on her hands."

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A/N: Whew I've been a while. Been working on this, and there was more I wanted to put into this chapter, but it needs some work yet and there's 19,000+ words here already... I'm sorry it's been so long. Especially since this chapter will probably have you tearing your hair out, but hey you've been warned multiple times now that this is a soapie. I do hope you enjoy this for what it is as we continue to plummet... rock bottom must be in sight soon. Soon there's only going to be one direction of up. Soon. Not today though. Today we go down, down, down to unraveled town. Thanks everyone for reading and for sharing your thoughts. Hope you are all well and staying safe in these troubled times.

Was it wise of Maura to put herself in the path of an unravelling Gabby? How much longer is Maura going to hold it together before she too starts unravelling? Does Jane truly comprehend the way she is choosing to cope (or not cope) with her break up? I don't think she does.