Frank n' Drac
It was a cold, dark Transylvanian night. The ground was still moist from the showers that have just passed. The moon's reflection glistens in the few remaining puddles. A small cluster of bats traverse through the darkness of the night, entering a collapsed wall into an eerie crypt. Their colony travels down into a catacomb. Aside from being riddled with the bones of the deceased, the damp halls were empty, the bats hung themselves upon a dangling tree root protruding from the ceiling, above a surprisingly clean coffin leaning against the wall.
The lid to the coffin cracks open and slides down, crashing onto the muddy floor. A groan comes from inside the coffin. A long, drawn out groan. A figure steps forward, underneath a crack in the ceiling where the moon's light clashes upon the figure's face. A middle age looking man with pale skin and dark, slicked back hair, emerges onto the fallen lid. The man's groan forms into a yawn, as his eyes begin to tear up. He looks up at the bats, still dangling from the root. He dawns a large smile, exposing his extra sharp canines.
"Hello there, children!" the man says in a thick Transylvanian accent, "Tonight's the big night for Papa!" The bats reply with a happy screech, they fly down a different hallway of the catacomb. "Well!" Dracula places his hands on his hips, "Better get ready! Don't want to keep him waiting." Dracula heads down the hallway the bats went into, leading a poorly put together kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, he reveals several jugs of blood, each labeled with a different blood type. "Feels like an AB Positive kind of night" he remarks, reaching for a jug labeled as such. He grabs a box of Count Chocula cereal and pours it into a bowl. Dracula empties the contents of the box, revealing cheap chocolate pebbles as well as a small plastic package. "Oooo!" Dracula cries out ecstatically, "A prize!" Dracula uses his canine to split the package open, and a pair of false vampire teeth fall into the bowl. "Damn it!" He shouts, "You screwed me again, Chocula!" Dracula then proceeds to throw the teeth into a pile of hundreds of others just like it.
Suddenly, two loud thuds come from above, accompanied with an elongated moan. "Alright, alright!" Dracula shrieks, "Always so impatient!" He gets up and grabs his cloak, then changes his form into a bat and flies out of the crypt. Upon reaching the outside, Dracula changes his form back and quickly glances around. "Great," He sighs looking at his surroundings only to see nothing. "Now you are just teasing me." The same moan from before comes from across the damp empty field. Dracula turns to see a massive horde of the undead, organs exposed and bodies decaying. Among them is an eight foot tall walking corpse, assembled from all kinds of odd body parts. Frankenstein's Monster.
"Frankie!" Dracula shouts to him, "It is good to see you! The moon is lovely, yes?" Frankenstein replies with a groan of impatience. "Why must you always rush things, Frankie?" Dracula asks, but Frankenstein replies with the same groan, louder as if annoyed. Dracula crosses his arms and makes a pouty face. "Fine! Come my children!" He cries, as hundreds of bats emerge from the Sodom below, "Feast!" Commanded by Dracula, the bats transform into an army of vampires and charge their enemy, as the undead do the same.
Dracula and Frankenstein march towards each other, wading through the tides of minions. Whether it be friend or foe, the two creatures destroy anything in their paths. With eyes locked unto one another, Dracula draws a great sword and begins walking faster. Frankenstein breaks into a rage and charges at Dracula.
These two monsters may seem like immortal enemies, but they were once the best of friends. A few years ago, in 1987, Dracula and Frankenstein formed a band. Now Frank and Drac, as they called each other back then, were only the bassist and drummer. The two were joined by Wolfman and Swampman, the lead and rhythm guitarists, as well as the lovely Medusa on vocals. The called themselves "The Monster Mash". They toured all around the world, with such hits as "Sweet Home Transylvania", "Escalator to Purgatory", and "Simon Bellmont Is a Jerk".
During their down time, the band would gather in Swampman's basement, getting high, eating Cheetos and watching Beavis and Butt-Head. Their hangouts have become a band tradition. Frank and Drac take up the whole couch, Medusa is usually off in another room "stoning" one of her many male groupies. Wolfman tends to be in the corner alone because, to be honest, nobody likes Wolfman. No real reasoning behind it, he's just that kind of guy no one really enjoys. And Swampman? Well, nobody really cares about Swampman. It's not like how they all hate Wolfman, they just forget about him. He's usually off doing fish stuff anyway, no one keeps track of him.
Frank and Drac seemed like pretty great pals. And they were, up until their concert in New York City a month ago. When the band was playing "Escalator to Purgatory", both Frankenstein and Dracula noticed someone in the audience. Their jaws dropped as they gazed upon the most beautiful goth chick in the world. They were both so struck with awe that they both stopped playing their instruments.
After the show, they invited her backstage. She was wearing a leather jacket, plaid skirt, and combat boots. They loved her. The whole night, Frank and Drac kept trying to steal her from the other. Dracula would use hundred year old pick-up lines, such as "Do you have the Bubonic Plague? Because you are sick!" or they would both brag about how immortal they are. After Frankenstein performed "Thriller" for her, using his backup dancer zombies, Dracula snapped.
Dracula jumped out of his seat, pointed at him, and shouted, "You want to fight bro!?" Frankenstein replied with a loud roar, shaking the whole room and causing Wolfman to whimper in fear. Dracula walked up to him and poked him in the chest, "Me. You. Transylvania. One month." Frankenstein stomped out of the room, shaking it with more of his yelling. After the quake had ended, all that could be heard was crying from the corner. "Wolfman!" Dracula cried, "Shut up, nobody cares about you!" then walked out of the room.
Now a month has passed, and Frankenstein and Dracula have begun their legendary battle for the love of their undead lives. As the two draw closer, they rapidly increase speed, preparing for a head on collision. When the unstoppable forces are ready to collide, a woman's voice arises from the sidelines. "Stop!" it was the goth chick from the concert.
The battle grinds to a halt, and all eyes turn to her. "What?! Can't you see we are fighting for your love?!" Dracula asked, as Frankenstein barked agreeingly.
A long silence overtook the battlefield as she tries to gather her words. "I don't like either of you," She answers. At that moment, everyone involved in the battle let out a confused utterance that collectively could be heard all across Transylvania.
"Then who do you like?" Dracula cries.
"I like Wolfman," She replies. An even louder wave of confused sounds is released, this one heard half way across the globe.
"Why?!" Dracula shrieks, "Out of all people, why him?!"
"Because," She continues, "I like a guy who's not a bunch of random body parts or is thirsting for blood 24/7." She slowly turns around and begins walking away. "Sorry for wasting your time," She adds. All the minions on the battlefield sigh and walk away, wishing for a reason to keep fighting.
The two monsters paused in disbelief. Dracula cries, "I'm not thirsty for blood ALL the time! Just most!" Frankenstein's monster shouts in an equal tone to that of Draculas. "Yeah!" Dracula exclaims, "He's not made of random parts! That crazy doctor got the best ones he could find!" The goth chick was now out of ear shot, as Frank and Drac stood defeated.
The former friends took at each other, and let out a simultaneous apologetic grunt. "Do you wanna go get high in Swampman's basement?" Drac asks. Frank replies with a confused groan, as if asking, Who is Swampman? "You know," Drac answers, "Swampman. I think he's like our sound tech guy or something." Frank replies by shrugging his shoulders. The two walk off, palling around and laughing up a storm. True friendship.