On Punching Gods and Absentee Dads
Enigmaris
Chapter 39: Loki Gets Caught
Summary:
Grading was truly torture. Loki didn't think this through when he'd come up with the idea to teach. He did not want to grade these essays. Really he didn't. Thankfully, it seems like some of his colleagues are willing to help him.
Notes:
The conference was such a blast guys and it's great to be home. I'm actually traveling again tomorrow, this time to go visit my family for the holidays so please wish me luck.
Also I am starting to apply for PhD programs and it makes me want to die.
Please enjoy this chapter that I wrote instead of starting on my personal statements.
Chapter Text
Loki tapped the tip of his quill on the rim of his ink pot. His students had turned in their first set of essays and he had roll after roll of the ridiculous things to grade. Being a teacher was not very fun most of the time even if Loki did enjoy the actual teaching part. Perhaps he should just magic the papers graded, give students grades based on how well Loki assumed they could do and be done with it.
"Mr. Potter don't even think about it." Loki flinched at the censure in that voice.
"Wasn't thinking of anything Minnie." He responded automatically. Loki then froze, like a mouse in front of a cat about to pounce.
Slowly he looked up to see Minerva McGonagall smirking at him.
"Is there perhaps any hope at all that we could forget what just happened?" Instead of granting him the sweet release of death Minerva merely lifted up an eyebrow and then spoke quite clearly. "Filius? Pomona? It's him."
"Odin strike me down." Loki groaned as the other two professors popped up from behind a curtain (Pomona) and an armchair (Filius).
"I think Odin is going to be the least of your problems." Minerva warned him. "I am very disappointed in you Mr. Potter."
"Minnie. Harry already broken my nose, Remus gave me a black eye and you do not want to know what Hermione Granger threatened to do to me." Loki said. "Could you please at least allow me the honor of explaining myself before you put me on a pike and roast me over an open flame?"
The three professors, the ones who had known him the best, were looking quite murderous but at the very least the mention of Hermione made them pause. They looked at each other for a moment before taking a seat at his table.
"Talk." Pomona ordered.
"Right. Yes. How to start this…"
"Mr. Potter."
"Right. Right. So, it all started when I left my home in Asgard and decided to set up shop on earth." Loki began.
And he told them. The four of them were alone in the staff room, the only other noise in the entire room was the cracking of the fire. They listened to him as he explained his decision to become James Potter and the subsequent changing of his entire world view.
"Oh how I loved this world." Loki said. "How I loved learning magic from you and making mischief and just…being myself in a way I had never been allowed to be. I admit that when my memories returned on my 18th birthday I was quite upset to have my fantasy destroyed."
"Did Lily know?" Filius asked, ever protective of his favorite student.
"She was the only one I told. I told her when we were married, gave her the chance to back off, to deny me. She didn't of course. Just loved me." Loki sighed, a pang in his heart making him far more maudlin than he wanted to be. "After…I well I was in a human body you see. I didn't have the power of a god to protect my family and when I was killed, I couldn't get back to earth fast enough. I tried to find Harry or anyone but I couldn't...I believed them all to be dead."
"So you went home." Pomona finished. "To mourn."
And Loki looked around at the three professors, the people who had taught him so much, and he found acceptance in their eyes.
"Just so. I never got over it." Loki said. "And I was angry at the world for taking my family from me. That rage was what…Before my invasion of New York I was being held prisoner by a dangerous maniac and he used a magical device to twist my mind, all I could think about was the rage and pain of losing Lily and they set me on her home planet. The spells on me were broken violently near the end of the failed invasion and there was nothing I could do to…undo what had been done. I work with the muggles who stopped me, I thought perhaps Lily would have approved of it."
"She would have." Filius declared. "And I assume that Harry found out?"
"At the end of the last school year. Found his mother's journal and decided that I'd abandoned him and that I deserved a punch in the face for it."
"I knew Harry had disappeared from his relatives over the summer, but I hadn't expected that." Minerva said, decidedly amused.
"How did you figure it out?" Loki asked.
"Oh James." Filius said shaking his head. "You're exactly the same."
"You were never that great of an actor either." Pomona added.
"Now I'm just offended." Loki sniffed causing the three teachers to laugh.
"Why all the secrecy?" Minerva asked.
"Harry is a demi-god. You-Know-Who used his blood in the resurrection ritual, if he knew what he had, he could do untold damage with that sort of power." Loki warned. "I can't…I won't risk my son's life anymore by openly being his father, not until this war is over. You can't tell anyone about this."
"We won't." Filius promised.
"Thank you. For your secrecy and for everything else. You all taught Harry enough magic to survive this long and I couldn't be more grateful."
"You should be very proud of him James." Minerva said smiling. "He really is quite a wonder."
"He reminds me so much of Lily." Loki admitted. "I couldn't be prouder of him."
"Has he told you about his tutoring group?" She asked. "The boy came to me to ask for permission to hold a bi-weekly club meeting where older students volunteer their time to tutor the younger years."
"An interhouse effort!" Pomona said clapping her hands together. "Harry and Neville came to me to ask to borrow a few plants for some hands on herbology work. I asked them who else was working on the club and they have students from every house."
"I think it's about time." Filius said. "I've been pushing for a club like this for years but the funding or the staff was never there for it."
"We've been understaffed for decades." Minerva complained. "The war took away all of the best graduates, we've had no one to replace professors who retire since 1967. I didn't use to be the only transfigurations professor you know. Of course, we've had a few new additions but so many courses have had to be cut from the curriculum, rolled back all the way to just the core classes."
"It doesn't help that admittance rates have tanked." Pomona pointed out. "I mean if the parents are off fighting in a war that never ends doesn't really give them much time to make large families does it."
"Bless Molly and Arthur for doing it anyway."
"I'd drink to that." Filius declared.
"And do not even get me started on Defense!" Minerva declared violently.
"Is this…Is this what being a teacher is like?" Loki asked feeling entirely mystified. Pomona reached out and carefully gave Loki's hand a gentle pat, he didn't know if she was being patronizing or comforting.
"You'll get used to it James." Filius promised. "Speaking of…who knows?"
"Well Harry and his two best friends."
"The golden trio is what the staff's been calling them." Pomona revealed.
"Of course, you have. Yes, well they know, as does Albus, Snape, and Draco Malfoy." At the look on their faces Loki grimaced and snapped his fingers, conjuring four glasses of potent whiskey. "Please do not ask me about that mess."
"I had noticed that Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter had been acting quite strangely these past two weeks." Minerva pointed out.
Loki had not grounded his son. This was mostly because there was nothing for him to ground his son from. He'd brought up the idea of grounding his son for his actions in Asgard and Tyr had smacked him upside the head. Tyr had threatened to take his head off if he punished Harry for actually using his sword for the first time without someone yelling at him to do it. So Harry was still meant to go to Asgard.
Loki couldn't bring himself to tell his son he couldn't play quidditch either. He wasn't a monster.
So, Harry had gone unpunished by his father. Not that he'd been free of punishment. After all, now Harry actually had to spend time with Draco Malfoy and Loki considered that punishment enough.
"Draco owes Harry a life debt now and Harry refuses to understand what that means." Loki explained. "So now Draco keeps desperately trying to find a way to wriggle out of helping Harry with his plan to unify the school against evil and Harry firmly believes that Draco is 'on the path to redemption, really dad I mean it'. I am…exhausted."
"You can't rest now I'm afraid." Filius pointed out. "We've been watching your son for five years now, you've not even got one under your belt yet. Buck up."
"Thank you. That's very comforting."
They all smirked at him and then took sips of the drinks he so helpfully provided. They complimented him on his choice and Loki told them that he'd only provide the best for his favorite teachers.
"I should also mention one other thing." Loki said. "Sirius is alive."
"What?" Minerva shouted. "But- but he."
"The Veil of Death is just a tear in the Yggdrasil, anyone who falls through it will just land in another part of the universe relatively unharmed. Over the summer Harry and I mounted a rescue mission and managed to get Sirius out of there. Speaking of which I should really go back to the ministry and close that tear up before it does any more harm."
"Next thing you're going to tell us is that you also managed to bring Lily back." Filius said, Loki winced and shook his head.
"No. I'm afraid not even a god can undo death."
They settled into silence then, drinking for a bit and reminiscing. Eventually Pomona looked at the essays stacked in front of Loki and clicked her tongue.
"You'll never get through grading doing it like that dear."
"Huh?"
"You need a rubric."
"A what?"
"A rubric, just a sheet of paper with the things you wanted the student to write down. Then you can read through their work and look for the correct phrases and mark it off. Can save you hours if you do it right."
"Oh." Loki said. "I…I think perhaps I wasn't prepared to be a teacher."
"How surprising." Minerva said.
"Hey."
"Oh, shush James. We'll help you, just this once." Filius said grabbing for one of the many piles of scrolls.
"I'm far too selfish to tell you no."
Soon enough every one of his old professors was taking pity on him and helping him get through the grading of the hundreds of essays he had to do. As they graded for him the professors were kind enough to tell Loki in explicit detail just exactly what his son had been up to for the past five years. This also resulted in Loki getting drunk just to keep his nerves steady.
It was so much worse than Loki had thought. His son had been vague on the details. Likely uncomfortable talking about things that brought such attention to him. But his old teachers had no such compunctions.
Wrestling a troll, as an eleven year old!
The dementors! The Damn Dementors! (And let's not forget the damn time turner either!)
Steal a golden egg from a nesting dragon? No problem for Haraldr Lokison.
What about a gigantic murder maze? That's just a typical Tuesday.
Swimming with murderous mermaids? Sounds like a pleasant afternoon.
It was near the end of the grading that Loki finally learnt how his son got the scar on the back of his hand.
"She what?"
"We didn't know what she was doing." Filius said. "She made the students believe we knew and that we agreed and when we asked they just said they were doing lines. I swear if I'd known, she would not have remained in the castle."
"None of us would have stood for it. But with her inquisitorial squad none of the students felt brave enough to tell us and…"
"We should have been more vigilant." Minerva decided. "It's our own fault, our students were hurt under our charge."
"Oh I just hated that woman." Pomona said. "Despised her and her awful pink robes."
Loki tilted his neck so loudly it caused a cricking noise he then clicked his tongue against his teeth.
"Where is she?" Loki asked. "Where is Dolores Umbridge?"
"I assume she's gone back to the Ministry to work for Fudge, she was his Undersecretary before. Why?" Filius asked.
"Perhaps I shouldn't answer that question for you. Plausible deniability after all."
"James." Minerva said. "If you kill the Undersecretary you will be fired."
"I'm not going to kill the toad Minerva." Loki said. "No one will even know I did a thing."
"Then tell us." Pomona said. "Oh I just want to make that woman suffer for what she did to my students!"
Loki was just drunk enough to truly see the viciousness in that statement. Something he normally would have missed when it came from as someone as genuinely pleasant as Pomona Sprout. He blinked a little looked at the other two teachers who were also sporting rather bloodthirsty looks.
"I…well I had thought perhaps to teach the woman why she shouldn't mark the son of the god of lies with something like that." Loki said. "I have a few Asgardian curses that would be quite effective."
"Do you have anything that'll make cats hate her?" Minerva asked, a glint in her eyes.
"You know I do Minnie."
"Well then I might have a few ideas myself."
Which is how four drunk Hogwarts professors planned out their revenge against Delores Umbridge. They flooed from Minerva's office to Diagon Alley, drunk and holding back delighted giggles. Tom lifted up a shocked eyebrow at the sight of the drunk professors coming out of the Leaky Cauldron's floo. Minerva brought herself up and gave Tom a very serious look.
"I trust, Mr. Miller, that you won't be speaking of this."
"Of course not Miss." He said. "Might I have the pleasure of knowing what your four fine professors are up to?"
"Oh, just a bit of mischief." Loki said. "Keep your eye on the morning paper!"
And with that Loki led his three favorite professors into a spot of mischief. He found it was far more enjoyable working with Minerva McGonagall than trying to work around her. Filius had a very sharp tongue and some devious ideas that he'd hidden behind a kind smile too. Pomona was just vicious, much like a badger protecting their young. Loki approved of course.
It took only a couple of hours to get done what they wanted to and they drunkenly stumbled back to Hogwarts high on their success. They went back to Loki's rooms and continued to drink and gossip with one another, Loki even shared a bunch of Asgardian gossip that made Filius laugh so hard he nearly threw up. They fell asleep on Loki's couches and woke with blinding hangovers having missed breakfast.
They would have been late to their first classes of the day if Madam Pomphrey hadn't tracked them down, snapped them awake and then refused to give them hangover potions. Served them right she claimed. So, Loki stumbled to his first class, with perfectly graded essays and a headache in hand. His first class of the day was the sixth year class. The one Harry was in.
His students were already inside and seated, chattering away at each other. Harry was staring directly at him and on the desk in front of him was the morning paper.
Oh no.
Loki did his best to remember exactly what he'd done in his drunkenness. He knew he'd broken into both the Ministry (where he pranked some things and then gave a very drunken and irresponsible demonstration of Yggdrasil care to his equally drunk old professors) and had then tracked down the location of where Umbridge lived in London and broken into her home via floo. He vaguely recalled doing some magic there and taking a can of conjured spray paint to paint the word 'Umbitch' on the walls of her bedroom over her creepy paintings of cats.
Harry looked very, very torn.
"Quiet down!" Loki ordered. "I was up all night grading your pointless essays and if any of you speak out of turn today, I swear on Odin himself I'll throw you out a window."
"We didn't see you at breakfast professor." Hermione said politely while his son glared at him suspiciously.
"I fail to see how that is any of your business Granger." Loki sneered. "Now. Everyone, get up and push the tables to the wall. We're starting dueling today."
Thankfully as a god he didn't never had a hangover for long. Unlike his colleagues he was fine by the time the students were ready to start dueling. Loki snapped his fingers creating a circle of red paint.
"Longbottom. Zabini. To the center." Loki ordered. "You'll bow to each other and then follow traditional dueling rules. Two spells each turn. No illegal spells. No murderous intent. First one tied up, unconscious, or pushed out of the circle loses. Questions? No. Good. Begin."
He didn't give them time to ask questions. He smirked as Neville and Blaise both looked at each other and slowly stepped into the circle to begin. Thankfully the students were distracted enough by their dueling peers that no one important noticed Harry sliding over to Loki and looking at him, a question clear in his eyes.
"It's fine."
"Fine?" He hissed. "Did you see the paper?"
Loki wordlessly cast a privacy spell, something to keep anyone from overhearing them. He kept his eyes on Neville as the boy cast a disarming spell and then a stinging hex. Blaise dodged the disarming spell and blocked the hex with his first spell before firing back a tripping hex.
"No. I was…sleeping." Loki admitted.
"Dad."
"I had a late night."
"Doing what? Hexing Umbridge?"
"Minerva figured out my identity." Loki said. "And she told me what happened to you last year. I wasn't going to let that stand, Starlight."
"The papers say that cats are pissing all over her every time she goes outside!"
"A petty curse."
"Every other word she speaks causes toads to fall out of her mouth."
"That was Filius' idea."
"The plants in the ministry tried to eat her. The normal ones."
"Pomona can really be quite persuasive."
"There were pictures of those brain things from the Department of Mysteries in her office."
"Well I had to go back down there to take care of the Veil of Death, didn't want to waste the trip."
"Dad."
"Starlight. She abused children, hundreds of them. Not just you. But nearly every child in this school, if not all of them in some way." Loki said. "The curses I've placed on her will be lifted the moment she admits her crimes and is punished for them. She only has to suffer as long as she chooses."
"This is insane Dad. You can't go around doing stuff like this."
"So you can go around being a hero but I can't do what I was meant to do?" Loki asked. "Seems a bit hypocritical."
Harry huffed.
"I didn't want you to know. About that."
"I saw the scar. I didn't know how you'd gotten it but…Harry I can't let that go unpunished. You didn't deserve that and I won't allow her to harm anyone else with that quill of hers."
Harry swallowed and nodded. It wasn't something they had talked about yet. At least not fully. Harry had this tendency to really shy away from things like vengeance. Loki didn't know where it came from, not even Lily was that forgiving. It was something he loved about his son even if it made it difficult to work around how Loki wanted to treat people like Umbridge or Dumbledore. In front of them Neville successfully hit Blaise with a sleeping hex, sending the other teen flying to the floor. Loki lifted up a hand and used magic to cushion Blaise's fall.
"Excellent Longbottom, 3 points to Gryffindor." Loki said. "Now wake Zabini up. Weasley, you're up next along with Patil."
"Which one?" Padma asked.
"You." Loki decided pointing at the other twin.
Harry had ducked in between the crowds at the end of the duel and no one seemed to notice. When Ron began his duel, Harry returned.
"I had a vision at breakfast."
"What?"
"You know." Harry carefully tapped his scar. "I think he's back in England. He's trying to find Nagini. Can you send out a warning that he might try to pull something soon? He's angry."
"It will be done." Loki promised. "Go to your head of house if the pain gets bad, she'll call me and I'll help block it for you."
Ron easily took the win, using magic to trip his opponent out of the circle. As the class cheered Loki heard his son whisper 'love you dad' and slipping away fully.
As the class continued Loki kept an eye on his son. He wasn't surprised to see the scar get redder and brighter as time went on. Occasionally his son would twitch in pain or rub at his scar as if trying to push away an itching sensation. Previously his son's visions had come on quickly and without much warning, but Loki had been carefully building up his son's defenses and now it took much longer for any of Voldemort to get through, if he did at all.
Voldemort must be furious.
His good mood at a pranking spree well done vanished when class ended and his son didn't leave, Ron and Hermione stayed nearby. To his surprise Draco was also lingering, but a bit further away, watching the door for any eavesdroppers.
"Are you getting anything mate?"
"He's…I think it's…he knows Malfoy's mum is gone and he can't find his snake." Harry gasped out. "He's not thinking straight. Dad."
Loki snapped his fingers, conjuring his phone. He immediately tapped out a message to Jarvis, letting him know that Voldemort was back in England and trouble was coming.
"Warning's been sent. Do you have a location Harry?"
"No. He doesn't know what he's doing." Harry said. "There's no plan dad he just wants to hurt someone."
"He'll come here." Draco said. "He told me that if my parents escaped that he'd…"
"He won't get through the wards of the castle on a frontal assault." Loki soothed. "But he might try to attack Hogsmeade. It'd take the adults out of the castle and allow him to sneak someone into the castle for you."
Draco flinched a bit and Loki turned back to his son.
"Do you think he'll do it soon?" Harry gasped in pain again and then nodded. Loki carefully reached up and cast a few more spells to help fully block the connection, his son almost collapsed in relief. "Then I suggest you get ready. We'll be alerted when the attack happens. If it's Hogsmeade then you three should make your way there on your own."
"What about me?" Draco asked.
"That is your choice. If you want protection, you can go to where your mother is or stay here in my office until the attack is over."
"Or?"
"Or you could come with us." Harry offered. "You're a great dueler Malfoy."
"You expect me to fight against my own…?"
"We expect nothing." Loki said. "As always it is your choice."
Draco pouted once again. He hated their insistence that it was his choice. It made his desire to repay his magical debt all the more difficult to achieve. Harry either didn't realize he was making things harder for Draco or he knew and was enjoying it far too much to stop. Over the past two weeks since Harry had rescued Narcissa Malfoy, Harry had been relentless in his pursuit of Draco. Constantly working on trying to convince Malfoy not to believe in Death Eater values. His son seemed determined to bring Draco to his side. When Loki asked him why his son merely shrugged and pointed out that the war wouldn't stop until they managed to stop hating each other for silly things.
He had no idea if his son had been at all successful. From his perspective on the outside it seemed like Draco was digging his heels as much as possible when it came to redemption. Much to the annoyance of Ron and Hermione, who both couldn't stand Draco for their own reasons. Draco had at least stopped calling people Mudbloods which was some form of progress.
Loki's phone buzzed and he looked at the message.
"The Avengers are ready." Loki said. "As are the Americans. Go get into your armor."
The four teens nodded and turned to leave. The last thing Loki heard was Draco asking in a very whiney voice why they had armor and he didn't. Loki scoffed and rolled his eyes. Honestly what his son saw in that boy he'd never know.
Then again, Loki had had the same thought about Lily and himself.