Anomalous Personalities

"Have you finished yet?" Piotr asked.

"Almost. Unfortunately," Mastermind grumbled. "I'd rather put off completing this stupid task until sometime during the millennium after next."

"Don't take that long, Masty," Pyro cautioned. "Otherwise you'll miss out discovering one of the most important things you'll ever really need to know in life. The lack of which will haunt you to your very dying day!"

"I think I'll be able to get over it," Mastermind muttered. "Especially since any day I spend around here without dying is considered to be a bona fide miracle."

"Hey, hommes," Remy greeted entering the Recreation Room. Piotr, Pyro and Mastermind were seated around a large table covered in books and papers. "Have any of you seen the super glue? I thought there was still some left over from last week's pool noodle rocket races."

"I believe there is still half a gallon of it under the Laundry Room sink," Piotr said. "Behind the boxes of fabric softener sheets, in front of the firecrackers and to the right of the liquid nitrogen."

"Okay, thanks," Remy nodded shooting a questioning glance at the table. "What are you hommes doing? Some kind of research project?"

"Nope," Pyro shook his head. "We're taking personality tests."

"Personality tests?" Remy repeated skeptically. "Didn't we do something like this before?"

"Those were psychological tests," Pyro pointed out. "These are completely different."

"Yeah, by driving the test takers completely nuts," Mastermind grumbled. "Instead of proving the test takers are completely nuts already."

"You have no idea, Masty," Remy quipped giving him a look. "And just why are you partaking in this little character-defining exercise?"

"I'm not exactly sure," Mastermind sighed in resignation. "I just know it involves a mishmashed combination of blackmail, coercion and being held hostage."

"I would not put it like that," Piotr said looking at him. "You choose to participate and take this test all of your own free will."

"Only because the alternative would have been so much worse!" Mastermind snapped. "Which considering the sheer amount of pain, suffering, madness and insanity I've been forced to endure ever since coming to this cursed place is really saying something!"

"That's nice," Remy waved. "But it still doesn't explain why the rest of you guys are doing this. I tell ya these tests are nothing but a bunch of made-up nonsense which give people a false impression of themselves by making them feel good."

"No, they're not," Pyro protested. "These tests are scientifically accurate! They're the absolute latest versions which incorporate all the most advanced behavioral and biometric algorithms to determine a person's custom-defined set of personality quirks and traits."

"Translation: they're an overblown load of hooey dressed up in a monkey suit of fancy catchwords," Remy snorted dismissively. "Their so-called 'results' are just a bunch of broad generalizations that trick you into believing they are applicable to your 'unique' personality."

"That may be true of other tests, but not this one," Pyro insisted. "It's touted as being one hundred percent accurate. Here, I'll show ya." He held up several sheets of paper. "I just finished scoring my test. The results say I'm an expressive, easy-going free spirit. A loveable social butterfly who is not afraid to be assertive, competitive or confined by ordinary behavioral norms."

"I have to admit it fits," Mastermind grumbled. "Though it left out the parts about being impulsive, maniacal and utterly, hopelessly insane."

"Eh, big deal," Remy waved. "That oversimplified characterization could easily be interpreted to fit anybody. Especially if they desperately want to believe it."

"There's more," Pyro went on. "I am also a bright, energetic soul of great intellect who also contains an optimistic, child-like innocence. My curious and creative imagination is well suited to a wide variety of interests and pursuits, particularity those involving entertainment, animals, gothic writing and fire."

"Okay," Mastermind blinked. "That was a little more specific that I expected."

"And quite accurate," Piotr added.

"Aw, it was just a fluke," Remy brushed the results aside. "There's no way some stupid paper and pencil test can precisely determine one's true personality."

"Oh yeah? Let's see," Pyro said rising to the challenge. "Let's look at Masty's test next."

"Do you have to?" Mastermind sighed.

"Okay, here we go," Pyro said checking Mastermind's scores and answers. "This says that Masty is a rational, pragmatic intellectual. A reserved individual whose is well-tuned to all kinds of senses and who is not easily fooled by illusions…"

"Well, obviously," Mastermind smirked preening a bit.

"While also being weak-willed and easily influenced by others," Pyro went on. "A pessimistic and lonely figure possessing a strong inclination towards being distressed, cowardly, physically unimpressive and perpetually depressed."

"And there it is," Mastermind groaned sagging in his seat.

"Wow," Piotr blinked in surprise. "That test result was almost a perfect description of Mastermind."

"Huh, gotta admit I wasn't expecting that," Remy raised an eyebrow. "The test actually included negative results and aspects along with the positive ones."

"Told ya it was different," Pyro smiled. "When done correctly the test can even determine the personalities of people who don't complete the test themselves. Just like the test I filled out for Mags."

"Oh, this outta be good," Remy smirked.

"The test pegs Mags as being a brilliant, ambitious, hard-driven leader," Pyro read out the results. "A skilled, stern and solitary figure with a tragic, pain-filled past whose pride, assertiveness and overbearing personality often leads to trouble, frustration, disasters and being a victim of various agents of chaos brought on as byproducts from his own actions. Also highly likely to be a terrible parent. Having children is not recommended."

"Now that is the best profile summary of Magneto I have ever heard," Piotr chuckled. "Especially the parts detailing his faults and tendencies towards frustration."

"Gee, I wonder why he would be like that," Mastermind drawled giving the younger Acolytes a look. "And who the various agents of chaos are."

"Boy, this test has Mags down pat," Remy snickered. "Guess I was wrong about it being a bunch of made-up hogwash after all."

"Great," Pyro grinned. "Then you'll love the results for the test I filled out for you."

"What?!" Remy yelped.

"Oh really?" Mastermind grinned. "Do tell."

"Hmmm, let's see," Pyro quickly scored the test. "Ah, here it is. According to the test, Gambit is a confident, dashing rogue and card sharp whose natural charm combines with a strong aptitude towards pranking, flirting and thieving."

"Of course it does," Remy grinned. "I'm Remy LeBeau. A man of many wonderous hidden skills and talents!"

"Although modestly obviously isn't one of them," Mastermind quipped.

"This is a very impressive test," Piotr blinked. "The accuracy and precision of the score details never ceases to amaze me."

"Gambit's traits also include a propensity towards recklessness, risk-taking and mendaciousness," Pyro continued to read out the results. "Whose habits of exaggeration and deception often result in inflating certain skills in order to hide one's feelings of inadequacy and being hopelessly unlucky in all matters regarding love."

"WHAT?!" Remy yelped.

"Oh my," Piotr blushed. "Those test scores are a bit too detailed.

"Oh, that's rich!" Mastermind laughed slapping his knee. "Hearing that totally makes finding out my own humiliating test results worthwhile!"

"What the heck are you talking about? I'm not unlucky when it comes to love! I'm a homme fatal!" Remy roared indignantly. "Those results are lies! Lies I tell you! I knew this whole stupid test was a load of junk!"

"But you were the one defending and praising it just a minute ago," Piotr reminded.

"I was tricked!" Remy cried. "The test used a veneer of honest, pretty words to cover up the fact the rest of the results were a scam!"

"Oh, so you're saying the test was able to dupe and seduce you?" Mastermind asked.

"Yes! No! I mean," Remy sputtered. "Aggghhh, those conclusions are obviously false! I've been slandered and painted with the brush of unsubstantiated fabrications!" He turned to glare at Pyro. "And it's all because of you!"

"Hey, don't look at me," Pyro defended holding up his hands. "It's not my fault. If you don't like the way your scores turned out, take it up with the test."

"Yes, the test. That's it," Remy babbled grabbing a fresh answer sheet. "I'll take the test myself and prove once and for all that I'm the true master of romance, passion and love! And that Rogue and I are ultimately destined to be together!"

"Oh boy," Mastermind groaned. "Here we go again."

"Perhaps the test results are not that accurate after all," Piotr commented. "Since they missed mentioning Remy also being overly sensitive, jealous and obsessive."

"Not to mention maniacal, crazy and just plain nuts," Mastermind added. "Of course, for you lunatics, those last three traits are obviously a given."

"Try to fool me by branding me with the wrong traits, huh? Well, I'll fool you!" Remy chanted while answering questions at lightning speed. "Take this, you stupid test! I'll game the system and base my answers on what will give me the results I want! Ha, ha, ha!"

"I do not think the test results will be accurate if you attempt to manipulate the test like that," Piotr said. "Would that not be considered cheating?"

"Maybe for other personality tests, but not this one," Pyro stated. "This test is cheat-proof. It scores not just the answers to the questions, but how one answers the questions. That's why the results are so accurate. The test separates fact from fiction and reveals one's true personality. Just like it did when I took it in place of Sabes."

"What did you say you took from me, Firebug?" Sabertooth growled entering the room. "It better not have been my additional pairs of silk socks. I still haven't replaced the last ones you ruined and burned up."

"Pyro did not take anything from you," Piotr clarified. "He took something for you. Specifically a version of this personality test."

"A personality test? Him?" Sabertooth snorted. "Ha! Talk about a waste of time! The only idiots who bother with those stupid things are people who lack any kind of personality to begin with."

"That may be, but I still answered it for you anyway," Pyro said. "And boy were your scores interesting! The test says you are an aggressive, vicious soul who fully embraces and indulges your more primal, savage instincts which often conceal a surprisingly perceptive and highly intelligent mind."

"You needed some dumb test to tell you that?" Sabertooth grunted. "Those aspects are obvious."

"The test results also say such brusque outward appearances are simply a cover in order to hide your natural shyness, loneliness and feelings of inferiority," Pyro went on. "Along with a refined sense of culture and a secret soft side towards the innocent, close family and mistreated young children. Aside from your own…"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth roared.

"Wait, really?" Mastermind did a take. "Wow, I never would have guessed that."

"I did not know Sabertooth had a soft side," Piotr blinked. "Though now that I think about it, it does explain a few things…"

"NO IT DOESN'T!" Sabertooth howled. "THAT STUPID TEST OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT! I'M VICTOR CREED: SABERTOOTH! I'M THE MEANEST, BADDEST, TOUGHEST, MOST FEROCIOUS GUY AROUND! I DON'T HAVE A SECRET SHRED OF SOFTNESS, SHYNESS OR INSECURE FEELING IN MY BODY!"

"Sure you don't," Mastermind drawled.

"The test did not say anything about having insecure feelings," Piotr pointed out. "It only said you had inferiority-like feelings."

"Sounds like a Freudian slip to me," Pyro said.

"How about I slip and slit your throat?" Sabertooth snarled. "Then we'll see just what kind of hidden feelings there are in what remains in your already-addled nervous system!"

"Na, that doesn't seem very efficient," Pyro remarked. "But if you ever tire of denying your hidden personality results, you can always just take the test yourself."

"Fine! I will!" Sabertooth vowed grabbing a set of papers. "I'll show you all exactly who Sabertooth really is!"

"I think we're getting a pretty good picture of it right now," Mastermind quipped as Sabertooth savagely attacked his test. "Unfortunately."

"This test is revealing much more information about our individual personalities than I thought it would," Piotr gulped as Remy and Sabertooth tore through their tests with crazy looks in their eyes. "I am almost afraid to see what it has to say about me."

"No worries, mate. I'll read your results out for you," Pyro chirped snatching Piotr's test scores. "Ah, it says here you are a quiet, honest and gentle soul who is also hardworking, trustworthy and virtuous."

"Oh. Well, that is not bad," Piotr sighed in relief.

"Nor is it surprising," Mastermind yawned sarcastically. "But it sure is boring."

"Humble, modest, loyal, artistic," Pyro continued to reel off Piotr's test results. "With a strong sense of morality and righteousness while also harboring a deep, secret dark side."

"What?!" Piot yelped.

"Oh really?" Mastermind paused in mid-yawn. "Now that is unexpected. Huh, I wonder what an evil, twisted version of Colossus would be like." He blinked for a moment before shivering. "On second thought, I don't want to know."

"No, there must be a mistake," Piotr insisted looking somewhat nervous. "The test is obviously wrong. I do not have a secret dark side. At least I hope not…"

"Aw, don't worry about it, mate," Pyro assured him. "If you ever do decide to embrace your dark side and become evil, the rest of us will simply take you out. What are friends for?"

"Thank you. I think," Piotr blinked looking very uncomfortable. "Yet somehow that really does not make me feel better."

"Aha! Done!" Remy cackled finishing his test with a flourish. "Let's see what the stupid test has to say about me now!" He quickly scored and looked up his test results. "You are a hopeless, flagrant womanizer with an acute fear of emotional commitment and physical intimacy which will cause any and all potential romantic relationships to end in complete and utter doom…AAARRRGGGHHHHHH! NOT AGAIN! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"

"QUASI-SIBLING RIVAL ISSUES?!" Sabertooth screamed sneaking an advanced peek at his own scores. "I DON'T HAVE RIVAL ISSUES! I DON'T' HAVE ANY RIVALS OR QUASI-SIBLINGS PERIOD! ESPECIALLY THE RUNT!"

"I am a good person. I am a good person," Piotr chanted hugging himself while rocking back and forth with a haunted look in his eyes. "I could never have a secret, subconscious dark side. Much less ever chose to embrace it. Could I?"

"Oh great. I should have known something like this would happen," Mastermind groaned at his three teammates proceeded to shriek, act out and obsess about their scores. "Taking a personality test has totally warped whatever these maniacs had that passed for personalities in the first place."

"That's why early mental health and personality screenings are so important," Pyro smiled. "After all, who ever heard of bringing one's true fun and lovable character to life simply by writing it out?"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.