Ai's imaginary Diary.

1st person perspective: Ai

Time: [Before meeting Hikaru] [After the 2nd Dome concert]

I returned home quite late into the night one time… When Miyako took the twins out for dinner, a time where I couldn't really provide for them any food as I was out celebrating my 2nd Dome concert.

The room I found myself in, the living room, as I opened the door, just didn't feel the same.

Aqua, Ruby. The children I bore into this world wouldn't always be with me. That's the thought I had when I first conceived them… A thought that maybe one day they'll outgrow me and carry on my name. I nearly wanted to cry when I delivered them, but, when I saw their cute faces, I couldn't help myself to cry those tears of joy instead.

Yeah, that's why I laid on the couch for several minutes after I got home. I just wanted to shake off the feelings and alcohol I consumed with Ichigo and the rest, the party was great.

I don't really like alcohol at all actually, the taste is weird, tastes like medicine. But, the feeling you get when the drink hits… Oh my god.

It's not healthy for me, I think I should stop when I celebrate again with my members, it will be just a one time thing.

I smelled really bad after the 2nd concert, all that sweat infused into my clothing, UGH. I needed to go bathe immediately after I recovered from all that intoxication.

But, as you know, I… Couldn't really shake off the feeling of the empty room I was in. The missing puzzle pieces to my dopamine receptors made me feel extremely lethargic and lazy. So, I went on my phone to procrastinate a bit more.

I gleamed at the sight of Miyako's text messages. She and the twins went out to eat at some Italian restaurant… I think it was called "Supply and Demand"?... Anyways, other than that, I was just groping over Aqua and Ruby's cuteness in the photos she sent too, both of them are little sugar buns. Their cheeks! I could pinch them all day, they really inherited my face.

Hehehe…

Afterwards, I could smell my stench pierce my nose, so I quickly went to undress and bathe. However, since the day just didn't feel right… I scrolled through this app Takamine told me to install, spotify. It's pretty good, but the paid plan isn't too cheap. But damn, I wouldn't be able to live without it, practices would be much more troublesome as I would have to wait forever for an advertisement to finish if I played it on another streaming service.

I chose a playlist, making sure that all the songs would fit the desolate and edgy mood I felt back then. Then, turning up the speaker to maximum volume as I placed it onto the toilet seat. Turning on the heater, making sure the water from the shower is warm and all.

And there I was, blissfully listening to the songs I liked, their beats resonating and uplifting the atmosphere within the ceramic plated walls of the bathroom. I vibed a bit, bobbing my head up and down as the water splattered over my long hair.

I spent roughly 8 minutes just standing there, under the shower head, listening to 2 songs. Both of which I jammed to quite a bit.

Conditioning my hair was tough. Everyday, it had to be that same silky, vibrant, and shining flocks of hair that was shown on television. I roughly use 2 - 3 different shampoos that do various jobs to rid my hair of any impurities.

Back then, when Aqua and Ruby were still small enough to fit into the bathtub, I remember scrubbing their hair with the same products as I used now. Aqua didn't like any of it, shying away constantly… Until, I realised… It probably wasn't the shampoo.

He always acted strange, speaking somewhat full sentences near the age of 3. I asked Miyako if that was normal, she said no.

They act way beyond their age… I can't shake that feeling off. I constantly have to remind myself.

Not to mention at kindergarten… Aqua and Ruby seem to be the outcasts from what I heard from the teachers. The teachers would always say stuff like, "Aqua is an intelligent boy who is always trying to talk to others…" Or, "Aqua is scary," Hahaha! I know right. Oh yeah, and Ruby… I don't know what's up with her too, she is very fond of me, always asking me to hug her or rub her hair. I always found it quite strange, but Miyako said it was normal, or in fact, healthy.

That news didn't resonate with me quite well, I was often worried that Aqua was depressed, he never ever asked me to hug him or even let me show any signs of affection to him. He's a little cold sometimes, but I trust him.

I love both of them, close to my heart.

Ah yes, another banger song kicks in at the very last thought, nastasia. I know, breakcore may not seem like something I would be interested in, but at this time, anything works. I don't really care about finding any meaning in the song, I just want something I can jam to.

I must've forgotten to replace my body wash, as out of all 4 of the separate conditioners and body wash, 3 of them ran out. I often forget to replace them as they always last so long, I never really had to change them too often and it just became a habit to continuously use them without refilling it.

Tch! Same thing with Aqua and Ruby… Miyako often scolds me for not raising Aqua and Ruby properly sometimes, but, the thing is, since they don't act like normal babies, I couldn't really understand what Miyako was scolding me for.

They seemed to be potty trained from the very beginning or something, so I never bothered to teach them. However, Miyako didn't like it when I told her that.

SO… it eventually just became a habit where I don't intervene into their lives too often, and Miyako always has to remind me to pay attention to them and care for them. I do okay!? I DO! It's just that Ichigo always calls me at the worst possible times.

I think I just got used to Miyako's ramblings about how to take care of a child and stuff, because I don't really remember much else.

At this point, I am done with my hair and body, now it's time for some facial cream. I don't really have a lot, nor do I use it too often, I found that the natural oils on my face work just fine. However, Miyako always insisted and continued to buy more and more of the facial cream she thought was good. So… I just had to use it out of pure courtesy.

I got to hand it to Miyako, at least she didn't absolutely force me to use facial cream… ICHIGO! YOU GODDAM. URGH! I kept asking him, "Why do I have to use lipstick?". I don't need it! I don't need lipstick, but Ichigo insisted relentlessly! Always saying that the other idol groups are doing it and are setting the trend. WELL in that case, screw the trend!

And then, of course, Miyako gave me her set of lipsticks, but… I always found it to make my lips dry. Ugh, and the tone… I remember asking her many times to get me one with a colour that suits me, but she says that it does, and that I need to stop being so super-conscious about my looks.

And, can I say that, I am an idol, a person who has to depend on their looks.

…

Nevermind, my pay has been quite good recently, I have to admit. If it weren't for Miyako and Ichigo always planning ahead and changing B Komachi to the newer trends, we wouldn't have reached so far as to have a 2nd dome concert.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw my paycheck, 3 million yen!? Wow! I could buy so many things for Aqua and Ruby, and possibly send them to better schools in the future.

I could even see it in Ruby's eyes as I shared the information with her, something glimmered within her left eye, possibly a star, but who am I to say.

At this point, I wash off my facial cream, my mind rambling on. I could see my lips in the mirror, parched as ever, I need to drink a lot more water now that I remember.

I go back under the showerhead, the pouring warm water being so… good… to my brain. It felt like a deep cranial massage.

Cool, another song starts to play, something I can deeply resonate with. Some electronic-wave music should do the trick. Nostalgia… "Home Resonance" they call it.

I could feel the beats and the drifting musical notes shift my thoughts somewhere deeper into my past. Somewhere I wouldn't really like to visit again. I am happy here, no need to dwell in the past.

My mother, no… No longer my mother, someone foreign. She left me to rot in a place I don't remember, and a place in which I DON'T want to remember.

Escaping to Tokyo was probably the best decision of my life.

If it weren't for my ambitious attitude back then, I wouldn't have the chance to ever meet Ichigo, Miyako, and my two little… Angels.

I think at this point, I curled myself into a foetal position, my foot supporting my whole body as I let the pouring water dance and prance on my back. I don't want my stomach to churn as I reminisce.

I am done bathing, this introspection and reflection whilst enjoying a bath was really fun, I think I would do this again.

So I picked myself up from the bathroom floor, reaching out for a towel… And there is none. Oh what the hell.

In my moment of picking my favourite songs to play in the shower, I forgot to bring myself a towel. Reasonably, I was quite disappointed in myself, smacking my forehead with my palm.

Should I risk it? Nah, I don't want to go outside of the bathroom, completely drenched in water and naked. Especially when Miyako said she would be done and heading home right now… It would be weird if they saw me like this.

So… My best bet would be to wait for Miyako to get back home and scream for a towel, but… I don't really know what else to do right now. I don't want to waste the water bathing for an extra minute or so.

…

Oh, cool, another song plays on my phone… Storm by JVNLIII. The names of such artists… They are getting weirder as we progress into the modern era.

The rapid beats from the song really placed me in the mood, of which I was digging for so as to wait for Miyako to come back home.

My body just started to bob a bit to the rhythm of the rapid drums.

Soon, I found myself just absentmindedly dancing to the song, my dance moves slowly getting more energetic as time passes.

The joy of just… Moving, to just… be in the moment. I keep forgetting how it's like, all the ruckus from daily life made me feel… Displaced. I couldn't really be in the moment, most of the time, it just felt like I was watching my life play out like a video and my actions were in someone else's control.

I never felt… like…

Myself

…

…

…

My dance moves were getting a little sporadic, I could feel my arms moving and my legs, everything. It just felt… Good.

It felt… Blissful.

I just let my body loose onto all sorts of moves that I could come up on the fly, spinning, sliding… My foot seemed to glide on the slippery floor as I pranced. My arms just automatically flailed all around me.

I felt a grin form on my face. A smile that is genuine, for I felt free.

Surprisingly, when I had opened the door to check if I had a towel laying around, I forgot to lock the bathroom door. I feel as if my memory is just degrading as time flies.

So… When Aqua came back with Miyako and really needed to go use the bathroom, he was greeted to see me. In the bathroom, dancing to a song, naked.

Reasonably, he screamed, shying away and apologising for even attempting to use the bathroom.

I am flustered, left stunned to my embarrassment, only to immediately close the door again, whilst telling Aqua it is okay.

I should probably ask Miyako to get me a towel by now. I couldn't hear them enter the house as I was stuck in my own world, dancing to my heart's content.

You know… As far as I am concerned, if life gives me another chance to be like this one more time, I wouldn't mind putting on lipstick.