Chapter Ten
Numbness, emptiness, what she had previously desired to feel was not what she wanted to feel any longer. The thought of Nicky being shivved in the neck by Annalisa caused a bout of nausea to form within her. She had long been left alone in the closet once more but she couldn't bring herself to exit out of it. For she knew once she did she wouldn't be allowed to even look at Nicky ever again. Not if she wanted Nicky to be alive and well. However the mere knowledge of not having the chance to talk with Nicky again shattered her heart in a manner she couldn't begin to explain.
Tears stained her face from the crying she had done seconds after Annalisa left her in there. Nicky was all she could think about now, was who she wanted in her presence but knew she couldn't risk that. She couldn't risk Nicky's life just because she craved to be near her, to embrace and snuggle her. An arm was raised up to her face and used to wipe away at her tears. At least the knife was back she thought when she saw it resting on the floor a couple of feet away from her.
The knife was quickly scooped up once she'd noticed it in the corner of her eye. Lorna slid down until she was sitting on the floor, back pressed up to the brick behind it, and cradled the item cautiously in her hand. She placed it up on a spot underneath the sleeve of her shirt but before she could cut into the flesh of her upper arm the door swung open and caused her hand to shake which in turn made the sharp edge of the knife to slice right into her bicep.
This time who entered inside was someone who Lorna hadn't been terrified of. And also not someone she wanted to come in right when they did because now would be the second time said person would have witnessed her cutting herself with a sharp object. There wasn't even any use trying to hide what had been done since Lorna was sure Alex had seen it the moment she opened the door and walked in. However, that hadn't negated her from doing exactly that.
Alex rushed to Lorna's side as soon as she noticed her sitting there and saw the specs of blood dripping from her arm. Though the younger woman tried to hide the bleeding arm from her it was too late. Alex had seen the knife and watched it cut into her flesh when she'd open the door to come in there. Since this happened to be the second time she had witnessed Lorna's self-harm, she began to wonder if this was a new dangerous habit of hers. She wondered if this was becoming an addiction for Lorna. A hazardous addiction at that. Much worse than a heroin addiction that was for certain.
"How often do you come in here and do this, kid?" Her voice softly questioned as she crouched down on the floor right beside Lorna. A tender hand was placed onto where she saw Lorna's resting, in her attempts to try cover up the very obvious cut.
"What are ya talkin' about, Vause? I didn't do nothin'; I'm just sittin' in here is all," Lorna hurriedly responded but even she knew how blatantly bullshit her response was. The sensation of Alex's hand on her arm made her flinch a bit more violently than she would have liked. A lump formed at the back of her throat which wouldn't go away no matter how many times she swallowed.
Narrowing her eyes on the smaller inmate, Alex gave her a look that told Lorna she wasn't buying anything coming out of her mouth. "Hmm, yeah? Is that why your arm's bleeding and you're tryna hide it with your hands?" Seeing how Lorna flinched at her rather gentle touch immediately caused her concern to increase drastically. She cautiously grabbed a delicate hold of Lorna's hand, slowly removing it from the source of the bleeding to thoroughly examine what harm had been done.
The cut ran along nearly the entirety of Lorna's bicep. And by Alex's examination of it, it appeared to be a pretty deep one. A frown fixed itself onto her face as she delicately ran a thumb along the flesh nearby the cut. Eyes peered strongly into Lorna's brown ones. "You really cut it deep this time, Lorna. It's gonna be bleeding for a while if it doesn't get stitched up—"
"I ain't gonna be stitched up, that would mean tellin' a CO and-and then I'd be thrown in-in Florida…I can't do that, Alex. Please don't tell any guards," Lorna desperately interjected, returning Alex's gaze with a highly panicked one of her own.
"Hey, I'm not gonna say anything but I'm just lettin' ya know it's gonna bleed for a while. Which means we gotta stay hidden in here until it stops, okay?"
Lorna felt most of the panic ease away but both eyebrows curved up above her eyes. "We?"
The darker haired woman nodded fervently while ripping a piece of cotton off one sleeve of her shirt and using it to hold tightly against Lorna's bleeding arm with. Her other free hand she lifted up to frame firmly around the other's cheek with. A sigh escaped through her windpipe. "I'm not leaving you in here to hurt yourself again, kid. So until the cut stops bleeding I'll be sittin' right here beside ya. And that'll give ya time to explain to me what made you come in here in the first place, yeah?"
Apprehension bubbled up after hearing Alex's plan. Her legs fidgeted underneath the elbows she had resting on top of them. She hadn't any clue as to what to say to Alex in explanation for why she had chosen to come in there and cut herself. The inside of her mouth, despite having sufficient saliva there to moisten it, suddenly felt increasingly dry. She could acquaint the sensation to a rather parched one—as if she needed to chug a gallon or two of water right then and there.
Someone needed to be informed of the incident which had just taken place before Alex's arrival. Maybe Alex's presence was a blessing in disguise. Lorna loathed the idea of staying away from Nicky, especially since the pair were currently trying to patch their relationship back together. Maybe telling Alex what happened with Annalisa might be to both she and Nicky's benefit. Alex could explain what was going on to Nicky so she would know Lorna wasn't ignoring her on purpose. Fuck, the last thing she wanted to do was ignore Nicky.
"I don't know, Alex. I don't know why I came in here—I just, my mind was real overwhelmed and-and I just needed relief from all the feelings and shit. Okay? It's no big deal, really. And I didn't even meana cut that deep…when ya opened the door it scared me and the knife moved the wrong way because a how I jumped and that's why the cut is deeper than normal. I ain't tryna kill myself here."
Air huffed from the older inmate's lungs. It was a more believable explanation than the one Lorna had initially given a bit earlier. Alex temporarily focused her eyes on the cotton covered cut she was holding onto and frowned to see the blood was still pouring out. The bleeding wasn't as bad as when she first came in there but it still appeared like it wouldn't be stopping any time soon. She tightened the pressure around it and then quickly averted her eyes back onto Lorna.
The disclosure secretly confirmed her suspicions that this cutting thing was slowly becoming a dangerous addiction to Lorna. Instead of using drugs to numb out the pain—like the majority of other inmates had—Lorna was using self-harming behaviors to do that. Which, in Alex's mind, was much worse than drugs. One wrong cut and Lorna could end up either critically injured or even dead if she cut through a vein or artery. Neither would be a pleasant outcome.
"No big deal? Lorna, coming in here to cut yourself is a pretty damn big deal," Alex started out, her voice soft but stern. She did her best to speak quietly to not only make sure no one outside of the closet could hear their conversation but also so she hadn't unintentionally scared Lorna. "Regardless of why the cut is deep, you were gonna do it anyway weren't ya? Even if I didn't come in here, yeah?"
Lorna bit down on her bottom lip while giving a timid nod in response. Eyes peered away from the black-haired woman, shame and guilt rising rapidly within her. "Yeah, I guess. But it don't matter so just drop it, okay? Please."
Tightening her grip slightly on her arm, Alex shook her head. Like hell she was about to drop the subject. A behavior she knew wasn't at all healthy for Lorna and if she chose to ignore it she would only be helping her to do it again and again. "It does fucking matter, Lorna, this ain't some shit that can be forgotten about. If ya keep cuttin' yourself like this you could end up hurt or fucking dead. So no I won't drop it and I'm not leavin' ya in here just so you can end up doing it again," she firmly assured her while bringing her other hand up to frame around Lorna's face in order to keep it held directly in front of her own.
"But I'm crazy, Alex, I'm fuckin' crazy and there ain't nothin' I can do about it in here. And I can't keep burdening Nicky with my problems cause' then she'll get burnt out and that, that ain't fuckin' fair to her, ya know? I wanna be the normal girlfriend she deserves but I just can't because I have a stupid fucked up piece a shit mind," the words nearly shrieked out from Lorna's trembling mouth. The emotions were swirling around her and she felt utterly helpless to them. She couldn't stop them but she couldn't feel them either. She felt trapped in her own world.
Alex sighed and instead of continuing to frame her hand around Lorna's face she removed it so that she could wrap her arm around Lorna's shoulder instead. Naturally the gesture caused Lorna to be pulled closer to her. Another sigh made its way out as she cautiously allowed her head to rest against the side of Lorna's. It was a bit heartbreaking to hear the way she talked about herself. She gave a tender squeeze to the shoulder she had her arm wrapped around.
"You're not crazy, okay? You just have a mental illness and it's unfortunate that there's no mental health treatment in here. But even so that doesn't mean you should be hurtin' yourself, kid. What, ya think because you're mentally unwell you deserve to be hurt?" She swallowed hard and brushed her fingers soothingly along the cotton-covered shoulder she was gently grasping onto with her arm. Head shook as her eyes stared compassionately down into Lorna's brown ones. It wasn't hard to take note of the grief and sorrow oozing out of them. "Has Nicky flat out told you you're a burden or is this just some shit you've decided yourself?"
Again Lorna found herself biting down on her tongue. She tilted her head to one shoulder and raised both of them up into a shrug. Nicky may not have ever said such a thing but that didn't mean it wasn't true. Nicky would never admit to it, Lorna knew, however how could she not be a burden to her? She was so damn screwed up and because of that fact she had done numerous things to cause Nicky pain. She couldn't comprehend how Nicky still wanted to be with her or even near her.
The silence had gone on for a bit too long because Lorna was brought back to the conversation by the sound of a clearing throat. Instantly, she returned Alex's stare with an unnerving one of her own. "Erm, no, Nicky hasn't said anything but, but I mean—"
Alex held up a hand to halt her from continuing. "Then ya gotta stop believing in this nonsense your self-hatred is feeding to you, yeah? Nicky's never said you're a burden to you or to anyone so there's no reason for you to think that you are. If anything all Nicky wants is to fucking be there for you. You're the only one who won't accept her support. I mean ya won't accept anyone's support, not just Nicky's. It's sad, really. It's like you don't even have respect for yourself. Clearly you don't because you think it's fucking perfectly dandy to just sit in a closet and stick a knife through your skin, huh?"
Lips curved into a frown and slowly began to tremble as the realization that Alex was completely right in what she was saying slapped her right in the face. Tears appeared at the bottom of her eyelids threatening to spill out at any given moment. "I-I know. Okay? I know. I'm the asshole here. I don't know what ya want me to say or do, I just—I needed to…I want to feel nothing. I wanna be fuckin' numb so I don't have to constantly think about all the shit I've done to Nicky, or how much of a fuck-up I am to everyone around me. Cutting is the only way I can get that," progressively her voice became quieter and quieter with each word.
Lorna's revelation had Alex securing her arm even fiercer around her shoulder. A pang melded inside of her chest to hear the clear brokenness permeating through her voice. The yearning to protect her from her own self was intense. She loathed the mental picture of Lorna's hiding away from everyone just so she could physically abuse herself. "No, kid, you're not an asshole. I didn't say that and I certainly don't think that of you. I think you just need some comfort, yeah? You're too caught up in your mind to let anyone help you and you need people outside of yourself to help you with this. You can't keep going on the way you are."
Comfort was a sure thing Lorna craved but also a sure thing she wasn't worthy of. At least not in her mind, anyway. Why would she be worthy of that? All she believed she did was cause people more grief than was necessary. She failed her son and was likely the reason he got pneumonia and died, and she used Vinny for her own selfish need of not wanting to be alone. And Nicky, oh her sweet poor Nicky, she stomped on her precious heart way too many times since the pair had first made acquaintances. So, to her, it made sense why the only thing she could ever possibly be worthy of was pain. Heartless, selfish, people like her only deserved bad things like pain and suffering. Maybe that was why she was burdened with a mental illness. To punish her for her evil ways.
"I can manage on my own just fine, thank you. I don't need anyone's help. There's not much any a you can do anyway. It's a lose-lose situation. Can we just stop talking about me and my stupid problems please? What were you comin' in here for? Hiding from everyone too?" Lorna questioned, wiping the last of her tears away before quirking an eyebrow at the other in peaking interest.
That was the biggest crock of shit Alex ever did hear. This whole incident was proof of such—people who were able to properly manage their issues on their own didn't do so by resorting to self-destructive behaviors. Now, of course, she concluded that wasn't entirely Lorna's fault since the prison did not offer her any helpful resources to use to manage her mental health but it didn't negate the clear fact which Lorna hadn't been managing well at all on her own.
"Yeah because isolating yourself from those who care about you and inflicting pain on yourself is absolutely a fine way of coping. Come on, Lorna, you gotta understand how absurd that sounds, right? If you were able to manage the issue alone you wouldn't go into abandoned closets to harm your body, would you?"
If she was a normal person like everyone else she wouldn't even have thoughts of wanting to cause any part of her body harm. But Lorna wasn't normal and she did have those sorts of thoughts. More than anything did she desire to be like the rest of the human population. She hated the way her brain and mind were wired. Wired in a way that made her both mentally and emotionally unstable. Caused her to make decisions that weren't even close to being rational ones. Probably even aided in the illness along with the death of her premature son.
She shifted her eyes onto her arm where Alex's hand was still holding the cloth onto and was relieved to observe the bleeding had finally ceased. Satisfied to see that Lorna brought her stare back onto the taller woman's face. "Okay, okay, I get your point but can we just not talk about that anymore? I wanna know why you came in here. Are ya still doin' that drug thing?"
Alex exhaled an exasperated breath but gave a curt nod. Maybe it was a wiser choice to move the topic of conversation onto something else for a moment. She took a second to examine the cut underneath where her hand rested and when she saw the blood stopped coming out she felt it was safe to remove her grasp from it. Now having her other arm free once more she went ahead and wrapped that one around Lorna's back, pulling her closer until Lorna was practically resting on her lap.
The arm that had been wrapped around her shoulder she released from it and used the hand on that one to comb softly through Lorna's brown waves. Lorna's comment caused another sigh to make an exit out of her lungs. "Fine, we can finish that conversation in a moment. But I'm not gonna leave this closet until we finish that conversation, Lorna," she started off, her voice stern to make certain Lorna knew she was serious. "If it'll help you calm down, though, we can take a break from it and I'll enlighten ya on what made me come in here."
She stopped a second to breathe in a few times and then resumed speaking. "I was supposed to meet McCullough in here but guess she meant a different closet."
Shoulders recoiled up in a shrug as she allowed her back to press into the brick wall behind it. A sigh sounded its way out from her lungs and through her windpipe. The drug business she and the CO seemed to be collaborating on lately felt more like only an excuse for the pair of them to spend private time together in secluded closets. Not that Alex had minded; officer McCullough definitely wasn't lacking in the attractiveness department. However, she wasn't too keen on the drug dealing aspect of whatever sort of relationship was happening between them. She feared if it ever got found out what they were doing she would end up with even more time on her already seemingly endless prison sentence.
Eyebrows quirking upward in interest, Lorna lifted her head from the older woman's shoulder and peered into her eyes rather fiercely. "Ya mean that blonde CO?" She questioned, watching intently until she received a nod in acknowledgement. That nod given by Alex was quickly followed up by one of her own. "Do ya two have a little fling goin' on? Eh, I always liked her back at Litchfield…she was the only nice one after Caputo hired all those real shitty COs, ya know?"
A fling sounded like the perfect word to sum up what was going on between she and McCullough. Though she wasn't entirely sure if that was how the officer felt about them. They hadn't really discussed the topic, more like McCullough gave her drugs to hand out and in return Alex received some heavily-desired affectionate, intimate, sex. And Alex was apprehensive about bringing forth a conversation on the matter—worried if she chose to do so it might abruptly end the arrangement. Something she hadn't wanted to see happen since she'd begun to develop actual feelings for the woman.
"Yeah, I'm not too sure what to call what me and her have going on. But you're right, she was the only nice one before the whole riot went down. And she's kinda all messed up because of what happened during it. I feel bad for her. The other inmates were cruel to her for no reason, McCullough told me she's still having nightmares from what they'd done to her," Alex said while staring off into the abyss.
Her chest ached knowing the toll the aftermath of the riot had on Officer McCullough. Someone who didn't even have a damn thing to do with Poussey's death, she bitterly thought. Some people were just flat out disturbed. She swallowed thickly and shook her head. The fucking riot didn't solve anything—Poussey was still dead and the rest of them were now forced to spend the rest of their sentences in fucking maximum security. Fighting fire with fire never ended well and this was a vastly huge confirmation of said fact.
Lorna frowned to hear that. She bowed her head, focusing her gaze on her lap where she now had both of her hands resting atop of. For a brief moment she felt a sharp tingle course through the bicep of her arm with the cut but it dissipated away so fast she didn't even have time to physically react to the pain. She instinctively covered her hand over that specific arm and let out an intense breath of air. To distract herself from the strange sensation she did her best to put her attention back on the topic of Alex's possible love interest.
The riot was a complete fuckery to all of them, Lorna truthfully concluded in her mind. However, it never crossed her mind that it could also negatively affect any of the officers. She felt a knot mold its way into the pit of her stomach at such a realization. "That's real fucked up. Out of all the COs, she seemed like the least problematic one. I wish that stupid riot never even happened—it was real pointless and we just all got in more trouble. And it's not like it would make her come back, ya know?"
Alex nodded intuitively. That was exactly what she believed. Everyone acted stupid during the riot as if they were all a bunch of school kids instead of grown ass women. It was handled very poorly, she deemed, and showed that many of her fellow inmates hadn't learned a damn thing at all during their time in there. Instead of growing and learning they became even more immature and appeared to regress rather than moving forward like was expected of them.
Air huffed out of her which in turn had her shoulders naturally raise up to the sides of her face. "Oh, no, I agree with you one hundred percent, kid. The riot was bullshit. It accomplished nothin' and fucking hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt. I mean fuckin' McCullough is so scarred from it she's harming herself with cigarette burns and you're isolating yourself in closets to harm yourself with a damn knife. So who the fuck did this riot benefit? No one—fucking absolutely no one. We're all still incarcerated and Poussey is still not alive."
Anger was merely at a boiling point for Alex, she had the urge to slam something but settled for lightly clasping her hands together in her lap. There was no place for anger in here she had to silently remind herself. The last thing she needed or wanted was more time added to her sentence. So she tried her hardest to tone down the frustrating sensation. Fighting fire with fire did no good, her mind chanted to aid in calming her nerves.
"She burns, erm, burns herself?" Lorna merely whispered, mouth agape at the knowledge which had just been shared with her. When Alex nodded she felt her lips fall into a disheartened frown. "That's, that's horrible," her voice muttered quieter almost to the point that it was nearly impossible for anyone else to make out what she had spoken. Cutting was one thing but to burn one's self? Lorna felt a shiver run all along her spine just at the mere thought alone.
Burning oneself was a different level of self-hatred in Lorna's mind. She couldn't imagine doing that to her own body, that was a pain she feared. A pain she concluded was likely one of the most horrific kinds. Empathy overtook her at the thought of there being another person who was willingly making the choice to cause their own body harm. She bit down on her tongue and swallowed thickly. No one should have to feel so bad that the only thing that could possibly make said person feel better was to self-mutilate themselves.
It was horrible—horrendous even, Alex thought. But what Lorna was doing to herself wasn't any better. It baffled her how Lorna could have compassion for other people who portrayed the same sort of dangerous behaviors she had but couldn't find that same compassion for herself.
Lines creased onto her forehead as she peered solemnly over at the brunette. "It is pretty horrible and ya know what else is just as horrible?" She paused to see what the other's reaction might be. When Lorna didn't move in the slightest Alex sighed and decided to just continue on with her spiel. "What you're doing to yourself using a knife to cut your arms with. That you think so little of yourself you find it's okay to do a thing so harmful to your own body. I find that to be pretty damn horrible too."
The irony of it went right over Lorna's head. In her faulty wired mind she didn't see the hypocrisy in how she thought about things, it made perfect sense to her the way she perceived that it wasn't okay for other people to harm themselves but for herself it was. What made that so was the fact that she was a terrible person, especially when compared to officer McCullough. And terrible people deserved to suffer. Lorna Morello deserved to suffer. One way to achieve that was through self-destructing behaviors. Prison wasn't enough punishment for all of her wrongdoings.
She lifted her shoulders for a quick, little, shrug and then shook her head. "I mean cuttin' ain't nothin' compared to burning yourself. I wouldn't even wanna try somethin' that scary," her voice murmured as her eyes peered down on her legs. She sighed, tracing her fingers along the thick material of the pants covering them. "I hope she gets some help for that. She's a real nice CO and don't deserve to be hurtin'."
Alex matched Lorna's sigh with her own. Arms rewrapped themselves protectively around the smaller woman's body, pulling her close once more. If only Lorna could take some of the care she had for everyone else and apply it to her own self. It was utterly heartrending to see her treat herself the way she had. Nobody should have to experience that kind of intense self-loathing. She rubbed a hand soothingly along the length of Lorna's spine while silently wondering if Lorna chose to cut her skin as a way to punish herself for what happened with her baby—with Nicky, even.
No matter the reason it would never deem it acceptable for Lorna to take part in. And God did she wish Lorna would open her eyes and realize that as well. "So, you don't believe it's okay for Officer McCullough to inflict pain on herself?" She questioned, observing closely as the brunette shook her head rather firmly. A breath sounded its way up out of her esophagus. "Okay, so we agree on that. But then if it's not okay for her to choose to use self-harming behaviors as a way to cope why do you think it's okay for you to do so? I don't get it, kid. Why is it that she's allowed to need help but not for you? Make it make sense, Lorna."
A hard swallow was conducted. Lorna shifted uneasily and fixed her eyes onto the slightly ajar closet door. She was thankful no one came by it and if they did they probably hadn't even noticed it was there at all. Other than Alex and Annalisa, clearly. She sighed while busying her hands with her khaki-patterned cotton pants. It felt as if Alex had the same ability as Nicky—in the way that she appeared to be able to read right through the lines the same means Nicky always had.
"Erm, because she didn't do anything wrong like I have. I've hurt a lotta people, Alex, and-and my uh my son…he's-he's not here anymore because a how bad of a person I am. Nicky's gonna end up hurt, too, if-if I can't be a betta person. I'm a real messed up woman and I needa be punished for all the bad things I've done. That's why it's fine for me to cut myself and you can't say a word about it to anyone."
Alex's head shook harshly while her grasp tightened around Lorna. "That's all bullshit, kid. And how is Nicky gonna end up hurt?"