Hi All,
I hope everyone is well! I just turned 26 three days ago, and my body is aching like the traitor it is. I'm telling myself it is the perks of getting wiser. Scorpio Nation Unite! :D Anyway, thank you for the lovely reviews and recs for the switch.
I hope you like the chapter.
Let me know your thoughts!
Take care of yourselves.
Always and Forever,
Ari.
Warnings for all chapters: No minors, sexual situations, Mentions of death, funeral anxiety, parental arguing, silent treatment, bullying, emotional abuse, discussion of death, implied sexual relationships, unwanted touching, sexual assault, suicide attempt using a medication, suicidal ideation, manipulation, panic attack, abandonment, stress, abandonment.
Disclaimer: I only own my O.C.s and parts of the plot you do not recognize from the Twilight Saga.
Chapter 36: I Won't Fail
"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..."
― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight
10:45 A.M. Lahote House, La Push, Washington
I stirred the eggs in the pan, trying to keep my attention on the eggs and not my koala-turned-brother inches from me, watching my every move. I turned off the pan, accidentally bumping into him when I reached for the bread. "Jay, sweetheart," I paused, watching his puppy eyes lock with mine, and I knew I needed to address him, yet I couldn't find it in myself to try and ask for space, "will you get the butter out?"
He nodded, going to the fridge, and I busied myself with toasting the bread. Jay set the butter down, pulling out a butter knife, "When is Paul coming back?"
"He should be back in an hour. Do you want me to drive you to Collin's," I asked, waiting for the bread to pop out. Jay's arm brushed against mine, and he started plating the eggs. "Didn't he get a new game you wanted to play?"
"I'm not going," He grimaced, leaning against the counter. I held a sigh, trying to hide my displeasure. The bread popped out, and I put butter on it, setting it on the plate.
"Why," I asked, handing him the tub of butter.
Jay winced, and he slowly took the butter. "You know why," His voice was quiet, and I almost missed it. I turned to face him fully, taking his hands once he closed the fridge. "I don't want to leave." I heard his hidden words: I don't want to leave you.
I squeezed his hands, trying to catch his eyes, "Nothing is going to happen." He shook his head, focusing on the tiles. I let go of one of his hands, lifting his chin, "I know it's a lot, and I am so sorry. Jay, I know you feel guilty, and there is nothing I can do or say to take it away."
His eyes met mine, and his lower lip trembled. I could see him visibly trying to push down his emotions, "I was supposed to protect you. Dad always told me when he left, I was the man of the house. That, I was in charge. Then Dad died, and this happened to you. I failed you."
I cupped his cheeks, brushing my thumbs against them, catching the tears. "You didn't fail me. Dad should've never placed that burden on you. It should've been with Grace, the adult." Jay tried to scoff and pull away. I let my hands drop from his face, yet I couldn't bring myself to stop. "You were eleven years old. Your job was to be a child and grieve the loss of Dad. Not to take charge or protect anyone." Jay stared at the floor, tears running down his face, and he would run his palms harshly against his eyes. "Now, your job is to be a teenager. The fault lies with Grace and Norris. Grace was supposed to care for and protect us, but she failed. It is not your fault or mine." Once the words left, it felt freeing. Deep down, I knew it wasn't my fault, yet a part of my brain would whisper it was. Saying it out loud quieted the voice. "I can't go back into the past and change what happened. I can choose to move forward, but I won't take a step forward without you. I will wait with you however long it takes. Just remember, you were an eleven-year-old child." Jay glanced up at me, and I wanted to gather him in my arms.
It seemed as if he were reading my thoughts and launched into me. His gangly arms wrapped around me, and he squeezed tightly. I squeezed him back, "I love you."
I waited until he let go, and I wiped his face. "I love you too, forever and always." He grinned at me, "Go wash your face, and then we can eat. Then maybe you can still go to Collin's?"
"Maybe tomorrow. Can I stay with you today," Jay stepped back, tugging his long sleeve over his hands. I nodded, and he turned, rushing to the restroom. I heard the water start, and I gathered the plates, taking them to the table, grimacing at the cold eggs.
12:15 P.M. Lahote House, La Push, Washington
I watched Jay's current obsession, trying to figure out the storyline, letting my fingers run through his hair. He snored on the pillow, and I heard the door click. I glanced at the door, seeing Paul's tired face. Paul perked up, moving towards the couch. He leaned down, quickly kissing my lips, "Good patrol?"
"Even better now that it's over," He grinned, staring at Jay. "Good here?"
"Yeah," I smiled, feeling his hand running through my hair. "I made you some food. It's in the microwave."
"Thanks, babe; I'm going to take a shower. I'll eat it after," He murmured, ruffling Jay's hair. Paul stood, heading towards the room.
I shifted on the couch, ignoring the T.V. playing. I closed my eyes, remembering Grace's face, and let myself settle with the hurt. I opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling. I wanted to push the pain away, and I wanted to embrace the numbness. It was easier than feeling the hurt. Yet, I knew because it was easier, it didn't mean that it was healthier. When my eyes started to burn, I rightened my head, blinked, and I felt the tears fall. Seeing Jay still sleeping, I quickly whipped them away. I ran my fingers against his cheek. I was the adult now, and I would protect him. I lifted Jay, gently setting him down and pulling the throw to his chin. I shoved my feet in my shoes, pulling my jacket over my long sleeve. I went outside, the rain pouring down. I settled on the porch steps, letting the cool air brush against my heated skin. I pulled my knees up to my chest, watching the rain fall. I allowed myself to cry, feeling everything new and everything that I had pushed down. After a few moments, I straightened my legs wiping my face. The wind blew, and I imagined I wasn't sitting alone on the porch steps and my father was stretched out beside me.
I wanted to yell at him for putting pressure on Jay, for drinking, and for abandoning us with her. "I will do what both of you failed to do. I will protect him."
The door opened, and Paul stepped out, steam rising from his body. He settled beside me, his fingers briefly brushing against my cheek. "Your brother is snoring away on the couch with his mouth open. I took a picture of his face, blackmail for later," He smirked, pulling out his phone to show me, and I couldn't help but grin at his open mouth. Paul pocketed his phone again and leaned down, resting his cheek on my shoulder, "want to talk about it?"
I stared at him, his long eyelashes brushing against his cheek with every blink. I looked back at the rain, "my heart aches for my brother. I wish I were stronger back then against Grace and Norris." Paul straightened, his arm settled around my waist, and the action was grounding, "The pressure my dad caused weighs heavily on him, and there is nothing I can do that will ease it. He has so much guilt from what he knows. I wish I could take it from him, but I can't. I could only tell him that it wasn't his fault and he was a child." Paul tightened his arm, and I laid my head on his shoulder. "Since I can't change the past and give him his childhood back, I will protect him. He deserves to be a teenager."
"I think him being with you will ease his feelings and help reassure him. Remember, sweetheart, this information is new for him, and it will take time to work through his feelings. We can protect him. We will protect him and each other," His voice was soothing, and the reminder that I wasn't alone warmed me. "It wasn't your fault either...you know that, right?" I looked up at him, seeing how tired he looked. His eyes watched me, and his eyes flashed with dissatisfaction. Paul moved his arm, his hands cupping my face, keeping my gaze on him. "It's not your fault."
"I know... at least part of me does. I am working to get the rest of me to believe it, too," I whispered, taking in the warmth from Paul's hands. "It will take time; I'll get there eventually." Paul's eyes softened, and he leaned down, pressing his forehead to mine, "Please be patient with me." I grasped his hands against mine.
"I will," Paul mumbled, letting his hand drop before he pulled me into his lap. He cuddled me closer, burying his face in my hair while I watched the rain. "I know her betrayal hurts and cuts deep. I know you are trying to push down the pain, and nothing I say will help ease it or take it away. But I will say it anyway. She does not deserve you, Laryssa. It will forever be her loss, and she will regret it. I know it hurts, my heart. You don't have to pretend it doesn't. Not with me, at least. I believe you, even if she doesn't."
"I knew better, and I still chose wrong. The consequences of my actions," I murmured, burying my hand in Paul's hair. "It hurts like a wound that keeps opening. Only this time, I will be sure that I will let it heal," I promised, leaning closer to him. "Thank you for believing me. For understanding." Paul lifted his head, his nose brushing against my cheek. "The pain will lessen as time goes on." I blinked, and the tears fell, "I knew better, but why does it hurt so much more?" Everything was starting to become overwhelming, and I couldn't breathe freely.
"You had hope for her. She wasted it." Paul's arms tightened, holding me firmly against him, and I buried my face in his neck, trying to shove down the tears and control my breath. "Let it out, Laryssa. It's okay." His body curved over mine, cocooning us away from the world. Paul hummed, rocking us back and forth. He sat with me, patiently waiting until my tears dried and my breath steadied, "Are you ready?" Peace swept through my body.
"Yes," I said, and he straightened, his hand rubbing up and down my back. I pressed my palm into his cheek, "did you eat?"
Paul grinned, nodding, kissing my hand. "I could always eat more, you know this." I smiled, silently agreeing with him, stroking his cheek. "Let's make pizzas tonight. When Jay wakes, we'll go to the store, get everything, make the pizzas, watch movies. You can curl in my arms when we ultimately watch the horror movie. How does that sound?"
I loved him deeply; only he could help me find calm in the storm. "Good," I kissed his cheek, "Thank you, my love."
Paul leaned his forehead against mine again, our breaths becoming one. "You don't need to thank me. You are mine to love. You are mine to cherish. You are mine to protect." My body shivered at the bare love of his words and the powerful claim of being his. I briefly wondered if he felt similar when I called him mine.
"I love you."
"I love you."
4:45 P.M. Lahote House, La Push, Washington
I watched them laugh with each other as they tossed the shredded mozzarella cheese in the air, trying to catch it with their open mouths. I shook my head at them, trying to hide my smile at their antics. I layered my cheese before putting the assortment of veggies on mine. Jay snorted, tossing pepperoni at Paul while they bantered back and forth. I finished my pizza, sitting on one of the chairs, fiddling with my secret weapon. Paul grabbed him into a headlock, ruffling and tangling his hair.
My eyes met Paul's, and I grinned at him. Jay popped up, his hair a mess and his face red. "Are you two having fun?"
Jay snickered, popping a pepperoni in his mouth, "of course." Paul smirked, adding multiple ingredients to his piled-high pizza.
"Good, since you are having so much fun. Guess what I have," I teased, fiddling with my prize.
Paul's eyebrows furrowed, and Jay looked around. I smirked at Paul, "You didn't, Sweetheart." I quirked my eyebrow up, my smirk turning into a full grin.
"Did what," Jay bounced on his toes, snacking on the sliced bell peppers.
"Oh, my lovely little brother. What is our rule for movie night," I teased, tapping my fingers against the table. His mouth opened, and the half-chewed bell pepper fell from it.
"You thief," Jay whined, shooting puppy eyes at Paul. "Brother, you'll be on my side, right?"
I felt my heart race at Paul's devious grin, and I jumped up, hopping over the couch, trying to keep space from them. Both of them cornered me, "No way! I got the remote fair and square." I held my hands towards them, silently trying to ward them off. I knew better than to turn my back towards Paul. "If I yield, then-" I yelped when Jay lunged at me, and I darted right into Paul's arm. "Wait," I laughed, struggling to hold onto the remote against the combined strength of Paul and Jay. "You punks!" Jay cackled, holding the remote like a trophy. I leaned back into Paul, watching Jay's happy dance. "Fine, you two win. Go finish your pizzas." Paul kissed my cheek, letting go of me and high-fiving Jay. They whispered with each other, and I watched them. My chest was warm with affection. We could get through anything. The rain started again, and the despair started to lessen with the cackles and snorts of two people I loved most. We would endure in our little world.