2. Better
Before Charlie could realise it was over, Vincent Fletcher was being led away and Sahar was nudging his shoulder to leave. He looked up to find the others had begun to file out from the benches while he and Nick had been stuck, stunned at the abrupt closure of a lot of their worries.
Charlie blinked and whispered, "Ready to go?"
Nick's face was pale and he looked a bit sweaty. "Yeah."
Charlie led the way after Sahar. The foyer was full of chatter again but this time it was much more… well, not exactly cheerful, but definitely relieved. A tension had been lifted and the atmosphere was lighter for it.
"Let's get out of here, shall we?" said Jane, appearing at Charlie's shoulder. "I expect you both just want to go home and -"
But Charlie couldn't wait for his mum to finish her sentence because Nick had clamped a hand over his mouth, then made a sudden dash for the loos.
Charlie darted around the door just as Nick made it to a cubicle and threw up.
"Oh, darling…"
Charlie spied a pile of neatly folded hand towels on the side and ran one under the tap. By the time he'd made it to Nick's side, he seemed to have gotten it all out of his system but Charlie bent to hold the towel over his forehead anyway. "Here."
He suspected Nick had meant to say "thanks" but all that came out was a muffled sort of "hmph" of despair mingled with disgust.
"I'd get you some water but there aren't any cups." Charlie slid down to sit beside Nick on the floor. "Do you think you're coming down with something or is it just the tension?"
"Just - just the tension, I think." Nick prodded at the towel over his forehead. "And… and the anger. And everything."
At almost the same moment, Charlie opened his arms and Nick shuffled forward to place himself between them.
"Thanks for the towel." His voice was muffled by Charlie's shoulder. "Sorry for smelling like puke."
"You're welcome and you don't."
"Really?"
"Well… maybe a bit. But I don't mind."
To prove his point, Charlie pecked Nick on the lips and did his best not to recoil. Nick however, pulled a face. "Charlie, that is disgusting."
"Homophobia!" Charlie batted at his shoulders.
Nick laughed and Charlie smiled. "Are you feeling better? I would hate it if you threw up on me."
"I would also hate that. And yeah, I think so. You always make me feel better."
"Sap."
"You love it."
"I love you.
"I love you - don't you dare kiss me again until I've brushed my teeth."
"Nick!"
Nick tried to push Charlie away, dodging his advances. Charlie laughed, refusing to be pushed and only tangled himself up further.
"Why do we always end up canoodling on the floor by the loo?"
Nick shrugged and glanced around. "This is a much nicer loo than usual, though." The room was indeed very shiny, just as the foyer was. "And it's always nice to see you in a suit. It wasn't really appropriate to say it earlier but… you look fucking amazing."
Charlie stroked Nick's reddening cheek. "Me? It's times like these when I wonder how I ended up with you as my boyfriend. Like, how did I manage that?"
"I can remind you if you like," Nick teased. "I seem to remember Mr Lange had something to do with it. We got sat together in form and well…"
"The rest is history?"
"Hell, yes," said Nick.
Energy restored, Nick got to his feet, extending a hand to help Charlie up too. Charlie took it and followed him out of the cubicle to the sinks. Nick turned on a tap and, collecting water in his cupped hands, he rinsed his mouth the best he could.
Charlie leant against the counter and sighed. "It would be nice to have an occasion where we could dress up nice that wasn't a funeral or a sentencing hearing."
"Maybe in Menorca," said Nick. "We're due a fancy date with all the trimmings. I dunno if you'd think it's weird or if you'd even want that but…"
"Would you want that?" Charlie's eyes shone.
"Yeah. I think so."
"Okay, then. I can't wait." He lifted a hand to cup Nick's cheek, leant in for a kiss but at the last second, Nick pulled away. "What? What's wrong? I don't mind the sick, I told you -"
But Nick's eyeline was fixed on the side of Charlie's hand, held steady in his own. Charlie looked. A series of faint, crescent shaped marks marred the skin around the back of it. Nick's eyes were filled with horror but Charlie frowned. He hadn't done that for a while - hadn't been aware he'd been doing today - but at the dawning realisation on Nick's face, Charlie began to form the same conclusion.
"Did I do that?" Nick gasped.
"Oh." Charlie blinked. "You were sort of squeezing my hand quite hard back there but I don't mind."
"Charlie -"
"Honestly, don't worry about it. I understand. No, Nick, listen - look at me." He cupped his hands around his face to help Nick to focus, to not let him spiral. "I'm glad I was there for you to hold on to."
"Doesn't it hurt? I hurt you."
"No. Darling, no, it doesn't hurt at all. I didn't even notice it." He bit at his lip. "And besides, I've never minded you marking me up, have I?" He leaned in so their foreheads rested together. "Have you seen my chest lately?"
Nick exhaled. "I have. But I'm still sorry though… those marks aren't quite as sexy."
"So you're saying they're still a little bit sexy?"
"Well, they are on you, so yeah."
Charlie's laughter got lost between Nick's lips as he kissed him. He slid his arms around Charlie's waist and pulled him in close. A tiny gasp against his mouth spurred him on, his stomach fluttering in the best way possible. Charlie twisted his fingers into Nick's hair, tugging it just enough to make him gasp too.
Nick was just praying he'd rinsed away all traces of puke when Charlie deepened the kiss, tongue prying for better entry. Nick responded with so much vigour that Charlie stumbled slightly against the counter. He steadied himself with one hand against the marble top.
"Sorry," Nick gasped. "Here."
He lifted him to sit on the counter.
"Perfect," Charlie murmured, eyes lidded and heavy, lips pink and shining.
Nick wanted to devour him.
Their mouths collided once again. With this new angle, Charlie was higher than Nick for a change and he wrapped his legs around him, pulling him as close as possible, hands reaching to tug at the back of Nick's shirt. It came free from his trousers and then cool fingers caressed the bare skin of his lower back. Nick eyed Charlie's tie. He was just thinking about how it might look better undone when there was a clatter and the two of them jumped.
Standing in the open doorway of the men's toilets, stunned, was Judge Middleton-Roy, gown and all. In their daze, Nick and Charlie took considerably longer to detach than perhaps they should have.
"Don't mind me, boys," said the judge, an amused glint in his eye.
Charlie withdrew his hands from Nick's back. "Sorry, sir."
The judge smiled. "Don't worry about it. I know this has been a stressful and traumatic time for both of you. I'm just glad I could help to ease some of the burden. Now you can focus on healing - and enjoying the rest of your summer."
"Th-thanks, sir," Nick managed. He was still standing between Charlie's legs but couldn't bring himself to move.
"Are we going to get in trouble?" asked Charlie.
"What for?" The judge chuckled. "No, no. I'll let you off on this one. You remind me of my husband and I when we were young. Couldn't keep our hands off each other… mind you, not much has changed. Excuse me."
Judge Middleton-Roy disappeared into a cubicle and shut the door.
Nick and Charlie looked at each other, both surprised and thrilled.
"One of us," Charlie mouthed.
Nick grinned. "We should probably go."
Charlie jumped down from the counter, then followed Nick back out into the foyer, a spring in both their steps. Jane, Julio and Sarah were still hanging around, having clearly been waiting for them.
"Where have you two -? Oh."
Nick tried to surreptitiously re-tuck his shirt but it was still very clear what they had been doing all this time.
"I don't know why you're surprised, Jane," said Sarah with a smile.
Blushy cheeks aglow, Nick and Charlie sheepishly followed their parents out through the large double doors and into the dazzling sunshine. Nick breathed in the fresh air and couldn't help but smile. Charlie's hair was being ruffled by the light breeze and he realised he didn't much feel like going home.
"Mum," said Charlie as they reached the pavement. "Could we stay in town for a bit? Maybe get some lunch just the two of us?"
Nick blinked. Had Charlie just flawlessly read his mind? And much to their surprise, Jane merely studied them both for a moment before sighing with a nod of assent.
"Have a nice afternoon, boys," said Julio, eyes bright despite the tiredness behind them. "Let us know when you've decided where you're sleeping tonight. Just so we don't panic if you don't show up at home, okay?"
"Yes, please," Sarah agreed. "Text me too, dears. We don't need to know exactly where you are at all times but please make sure we're not completely in the dark."
"Of course, mum," said Nick. "We're sorry for worrying you."
"Oh, baby…" She pulled Nick into a hug. "No need to apologise. It's not your fault, sweetheart. Not your fault at all."
Sarah gave Charlie a hug too, Jane and Julio waved them goodbye, then Nick and Charlie set off down the road toward town.
They were quiet as they walked, light and breezy, hand in hand, feeling only a little strange in their formal attire. Soon however, ties were loosened and jackets were removed. Only Nick chose to roll his sleeves up, a decision Charlie very much appreciated, perhaps even more than the suit itself.
Once stepped onto the high street and were faced with the prospect of deciding where to eat, Charlie realised he might not be as up for food as much as he'd first thought. He had been blinded by their success at the hearing.
"I'm sorry," he groaned, having been stumped the moment Nick had begun listing options. "I - I feel so stupid. Let's just go where you want and I'll…"
The building tightness in his chest only made him panic more. In all honesty, he didn't know what to do. All he knew was that he could not eat right now. Physically couldn't. His forearms itched beneath his shirt sleeves and he longed to get at them, to break skin.
"Hey," Nick breathed, squeezing his hand. "Charlie, it's alright. Let's go and sit somewhere quiet, yeah? Find some shade. How about near the cathedral? Come on."
And then Nick led him by the hand through the crowd of shoppers. It was too loud and too busy and Nick was hungry and Charlie was stupid and a terrible boyfriend and maybe Nick should just ditch him now - just push him into the river and never look back.
But then cobblestones turned to grass and the people disappeared. A dog bounded around on the lawn a small distance away but everything else was still and quiet here. Nick led him to a wide, low-hanging tree and flopped down underneath it. He patted the grass beside him and Charlie all but collapsed there. With a cry of frustration, Charlie buried his face in his removed jacket in an effort to quell his tears.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he kept repeating. "This is so stupid. We wanted a nice lunch and I'm messing everything up. I -"
"Don't you dare say the s-word again. You've used more than enough of the quota for today. And stop trying to stop yourself from crying, Char. Just cry, baby. It's okay."
"But it's embarrassing."
"Nobody's watching, love. It's just us. And that dog."
Charlie peeked out from his bundled jacket to watch the dog retrieve it's Frisbee for the umpteenth time. Charlie's bottom lip quivered traitorously and then he was fully crying into Nick's chest. Nick secured his arms around him and just held him, stroking his back, kissing his hair.
"What do you want to do?" Nick asked quietly once Charlie's tears had subsided and he was lying more comfortably against this shoulder. "It's up to you. I don't mind."
"I don't know."
"Do you want to get something to eat?"
Charlie shook his head. "But you're hungry."
"Not really, actually," said Nick. "I did just throw up not long ago. We can get something at home later."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Can we just stay here for a bit? I'm comfy."
"Of course we can."
They shuffled a little closer under their tree, a little comfier. The breeze was warm against their skin as they let their eyes fall closed. Maybe an hour passed this way.
Nick only realised he'd fallen asleep when a sudden vibration woke him up. He blinked blearily at Charlie who had been awoken too. Charlie took out his phone and frowned at the text. It was always slightly worrying when he did this nowadays and Nick was about to yell at him to please tell him it was just Tao or someone and not a crazy stalker-kidnapper escaped from prison to come after them when Charlie sat up quickly, staring at his phone.
"Char?"
"Oh my god." Charlie's eyes widened and then his face split into a grin, his cheeks dusted with pink. "Yes!"
Nick sat up too. "What is it?"
Charlie bit his lip. "I'm negative. I mean… of course I am but -"
"What?"
"Nick! I don't have any STDs! Officially!"
Nick laughed at Charlie's volume in this very public greenspace and felt himself blush too. "Yes! Well done, my love. You successfully never slept with anyone before me, a fact we were all fully aware of, none more so than your mother but alas -"
Charlie cut him off with a kiss. "Now just yours and then we can -!"
"Shh! Charlie…" Nick giggled, glancing around at the dog and its human several feet away.
"Have sex without protection," Charlie stage-whispered.
With the news having cheered Charlie up considerably, the pair of them left the cathedral grounds to head back toward the high street.
"Want to get a Costa for the way home?" Charlie asked and Nick agreed enthusiastically.
Charlie ordered a tea and sipped it, Nick's frappe in his other hand while Nick ate his takeaway toastie. Charlie even managed a nibble of the sandwich when Nick offered - he was too cute to refuse when he was looking at him like that, pesto on his nose. And the way his face lit up when he'd accepted almost made the anxiety and the fuss worth it. Almost.
Mariam Argent arrived at Nick's house bright and early on Sunday morning, ready to bring Nick and Charlie on the hour-long journey to the seaside, along with Elle, Tao and Aled. Sarah hugged them both extra tightly and for a lot longer than normal before letting them go again.
Lately, Charlie had become increasingly more sad each time they had to say goodbye to her. He didn't blame her for being clingy one bit. If he'd had to let Nick go like that over and over he didn't think he'd keep it together quite as well as Sarah did. He only hoped she wasn't too miserable when they were gone. Nick shared the same feelings, having promised resolutely to text her as much as he could throughout the day and send her loads of pictures.
"Oh, sweethearts, don't worry about me," she said on the doorstep. "Just have a lovely time, both of you. Did you pack a hat, Nicky?"
"Yes, mum…"
"And don't forget sun cream."
"I've got some," said Charlie. "I promise I won't let him burn."
"You're my favourite son, Charlie," said Sarah. "Don't tell David."
"Mum, please don't call Charlie your son, it makes me feel icky."
"Oh, you know what I mean, dear."
"Bye, mum!" Nick groaned, dragging Charlie down the path toward the car. Charlie gave Sarah one last cheerful wave before the door closed behind her. "Charlie, oh my god, she's so embarrassing and you only encourage her."
"Nick, your mum is literally the best. And didn't you hear? I'm her favourite."
"You're everyone's favourite."
Charlie stuck out his tongue, then yanked open the car door. Tao and Aled had the middle seats and so Nick and Charlie were left to clamber into the back.
"Okay," said Mariam. "Anyone else to pick up?"
"No," said Elle. "We're meeting Tara, Darcy and Sahar there."
"Alright. How are you both doing, Nick? Charlie? Are your families well?"
"We're good thanks, Mariam," said Charlie, fastening his seatbelt.
"Mum, can we please go?"
"Okay, okay. I'm driving you to the coast out of the goodness of my heart and this is the treatment I get…"
When they had organised this beach trip, Charlie had thought of it as a final hurrah before Nick abandoned him for two weeks. But now he was going to Menorca too, he kind of just wanted today to be over and done. It would still be nice to spend some time with their friends, though, since they wouldn't be seeing them again until school started. Charlie just hoped he didn't have another meltdown like yesterday. Lately it felt like it was constantly simmering in the back of his mind, waiting to strike at any moment.
The car journey went smoothly and, an hour later, Mariam parked up to let them out and handed Elle a Tupperware container of food to hand out to everyone.
"Thank god," said Tao as they climbed out of the car. "I'm about to pee myself."
The five of them set off toward the promenade, Aled peering curiously at the box in Elle's hands. "What are they?"
"Ta'meya. Egyptian falafel. My mum's gotten super into Egyptian cooking again since she got back from visiting my grandparents out there."
"Can I have one?" asked Tao, appearing eagerly at her side.
"You had breakfast like an hour ago."
"Hey, there they are!"
The others followed Nick's gaze to where Tara, Darcy and Sahar were waving at them from the top of the beach steps.
"The Paris gang's back together!" Darcy cried as she dragged Tao and Elle out onto the sand.
Aled and Tao disappeared in search of some loos, while everyone else followed along and soon, they had found a nice spot to set out their towels.
Charlie got as comfortable as he could on his towel, phone, headphones and book at the ready. He had every intention of getting a head start on his holiday reading before Menorca tomorrow. That would have to wait though apparently, because at that moment, Nick had decided to remove his top. Usually he didn't do this in public. Charlie had the sudden urge to cover him up. Preferably with himself.
Nick smirked. "What?"
"Nothing! Nothing."
"Charlie…"
"I just love you a lot, okay?"
"Aw, and I love you. And that hat." He tipped Charlie's cap affectionately before sitting down beside him.
Charlie laughed. "This is doing it for you, then?"
"Oh, definitely."
Charlie pouted. "Shut up, you. Don't make fun of me." He rummaged around in his bag for the sun cream. "Here, I'll do your back for you. You mum'll be cross if I let you burn."
While their friends chattered happily, removing clothes to reveal swimming costumes and gawping at the giant doughnut rubber ring Darcy had brought, Charlie made sure to rub sun cream into every inch of Nick's back. Really making sure to take his time. Didn't want to miss a spot.
"Okay, I think we're done now," said Nick, laughing.
Charlie clicked the lid shut. "But I was having such a nice time."
"Do you have some on?"
"Oh, no, I don't really burn. I just tan."
"You should still put some on, though."
"I… really don't want to."
Nick leaned over his lap to cuddle in close.
"No - Nick, ugh! You're all sticky and gross."
"Char," he whispered in his ear. "I really don't want you to die of skin cancer."
"For god's sake, fine. Just stop hugging me."
Nick only nuzzled further into Charlie's neck.
"Nick!" came Darcy's shout. "You coming?"
"Yeah, one sec!" He called back. "Want to come in the sea?"
"Um…" Charlie shifted nervously. "Maybe in a bit?"
"Okay."
Nick's face dropped into a more serious expression. He took the bottle of sun cream and squeezed some into his hands. He rubbed his palms together, then reached out to splat sun cream onto each of Charlie's cheeks.
"Nick!" Charlie cried. "Oh my god, that is so gross!"
But Nick kept his hands where they were, then leaned in to kiss him slowly, guiding Charlie's cap off his head with one hand. He pulled away to whisper, "Don't forget to put sun cream on your feet."
Just as Charlie was about to chastise him for being a weirdo, Tara's voice interrupted them.
"Nick!" she yelled. "Stop kissing your boyfriend and hurry up!"
Nick gave Charlie's cap one last playful flick, then wandered over to join the girls in the sea, leaving Charlie and Elle sitting on the towels alone.
"So…" said Elle, absentmindedly undoing one of her plaits. "How was the hearing? It was yesterday, right?"
"Oh, um… yeah. It was… good, I suppose." Charlie fiddled with the book in his hands. "They all got sentenced for a really long time. Most of them for thirty years, some of them for life. Which is… good."
"It must have been stressful," said Elle. "I can't even imagine… everything you've been through. I'm not sure I'd be as put together as you and Nick are."
"What?" Charlie stared at her. "We're not - we're not put together. I'm the least put together person there is, even without all the kidnappings and stuff."
"Oh." Elle blinked. Then shrugged. "Sorry, it's just, you seem to be doing really well. Today you've almost seemed…"
"Normal?"
"I was going to say you seem more like yourself. You both do. Except now I suppose you're even better because you're out and open and can spend excessive amounts of time rubbing his back in public."
"It was sun cream. He burns easily, Elle."
Elle grinned. "I'm glad you have him. I really am."
"I'm glad, too. Like, beyond reason." He looked down at his book but didn't really see it. He thought about how utterly broken he'd be if he'd gone through everything without Nick by his side. He realised he'd likely not even be alive to sit here on this beach to discuss it with his friend.
"Charlie, I'm so sorry." He looked up to find Elle watching him with wide, guilty eyes. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"No, it's okay. You - you didn't. I just…"
"It's okay. You don't have to explain. Hey, would you like a snack?" She reached for her box of falafels.
Charlie's insides twisted. "Um…"
"I will accept some snacks!"
Charlie had never been so thankful for Tao in his whole life than in that moment. He and Aled came strolling toward them across the sand.
"Where have you two been?" Elle exclaimed.
"The toilets were so far away," Tao groaned, flopping down beside Elle and reaching for the Tupperware.
"So, so very far," said Aled.
"You took your hair down," said Tao.
"Yeah? So?"
"Looks nice."
She kissed him back but then - "You're still not allowed any snacks until lunch time."
"You literally just offered Charlie some."
"I accidentally made him sad. He's allowed some. Charlie?"
"Maybe in a bit," he said. "Thanks, though."
Aled had already gotten himself comfortable on the towel beside Charlie, headphones in, eyes closed. Charlie wished he could relax so quickly, so easily. He squinted at the horizon, hoping to spot Nick and the others but they were too far away.
Meanwhile, Tara, Darcy and Sahar splashed about happily in the shallows, Nick watching on, unable to bring himself to join them. Now he'd left Charlie's side, his pretence of normality was slipping. The cold water helped calm him a little, giving him something else to focus on - but he really just wanted to run back across the sand and never leave Charlie's side again.
No. No, that was stupid. He's safe. Charlie is safe. He's with Elle. He'll be fine.
Tara let out a loud screech and Nick looked up. Darcy was waving her arms about, splashing violently, laughing maniacally.
"I'm not going any further in," Tara shivered. "It's too cold."
With one jump, Darcy pounced on her, knocking her backwards into the water. They both resurfaced quickly, Tara even grumpier and still freezing.
"You're welcome," Darcy laughed, her arms around her.
"You're lucky I love you."
"Ah!" Darcy cried. "The doughnut's floating away!"
"Grab it!"
"Hey, Nick. You okay?"
He blinked, looking away from Tara and Darcy who had run off after the doughnut, to find Sahar watching him in concern. "Oh um… yeah." He sighed. "I dunno. I never know how I am anymore. One minute I'm fine and the next…"
Sahar nodded. "I get it. It's weird being back home sometimes. Like sometimes it feels like it never happened. That we were never there. Never trapped. But then I remember that room suddenly, like when I'm trying to get to sleep or… I don't know, when I'm eating breakfast, brushing my teeth… You're lucky, having Charlie to talk to."
"Yeah. I am lucky to have him, but -" Nick cut himself off. He didn't know what he was going to say. Charlie was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He swished his hands around in the water for a moment. "It's nice to have someone else to talk to about it other than Charlie."
Sahar smiled. "Same. My parents are trying but they don't really understand. None of the others do, either. I feel like I just worry them all the time. What about your brother?"
"I don't think he'll open up to me any time soon," said Nick. "He's refused to go to therapy. I just hope he's at least talking to Portia."
Sahar had started therapy too now. Nick's session was just before hers and so she had witnessed his blotchy red face afterwards.
"Is Charlie going to go with you next week?"
At this week's session, Nick had bravely tried to go along without Charlie waiting outside for him. Sahar had been the one to text Charlie to come and pick him up.
Nick chuckled and rubbed a hand through his wind-swept hair. "Yeah, we discussed what happened. It was probably a bit ambitious. We're not gonna try and go alone again for a while."
"And that's okay," said Sahar, nudging his shoulder. "You have to take it all at your own pace. And this way Charlie can keep me company while I'm waiting to go in."
"Thanks, Sahar. I think I needed to hear that. About taking it at my own pace."
"You're welcome."
They were quiet for a moment, just letting the gentle waves lap at their waists, until Sahar said, "Hey, Nick? I sort of needed to talk to you about something else, actually."
"Sure, what's up?"
"So… I'm moving to Truham for Sixth Form."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I know you've had girls in Year 12 and 13 for ages, but it's still mostly boys, isn't it?"
"Yeah… I think we get about ten girls every year compared to like two hundred boys."
"That's what I thought. I'm pretty nervous so… I mean, starting Sixth Form is scary on it's own, but moving schools makes it even more scary. Are you nervous about starting Sixth Form?"
"Oh, erm… I haven't really… had time to think about it."
"Sorry. I don't suppose you have. I think I've been trying to focus on that and not - you know?" She fiddled with her long ponytail. "Anyway, I was just gonna ask if it was okay if we could hang out at school? It'd be nice to have one friend there."
"Yeah, of course," said Nick. "I can introduce you properly to the rugby lads."
"The rugby lads?"
"Sai, Christian and Otis. You met them at Otis' party. They're nice, I promise."
"Oh my god, this is so much better," Tara sighed as she lay back against the blankets on the grass. "Sand is awful."
The group had moved from the beach to a nearby park to eat their lunch. Sahar and Aled had disappeared to purchase fish and chips for everyone, and Nick was hoping they'd hurry up. His stomach was rumbling and Tao wouldn't stop complaining that he was starving.
Nick secured his arms further around Charlie and rested his head on his shoulder. Since getting back from the sea, Nick had been trying to gauge Charlie's mood. He seemed relaxed, sitting beside him on the blanket, their hands tangled together in Nick's lap. He could hear his stomach rumbling but knew that didn't mean he would eat.
"You smell like the sea," Charlie murmured.
"A mystery that…"
"Shush, you."
On the other side of the blanket, Darcy was lounging with her head in Tara's lap while Darcy complained loudly about how she was abandoning her to go on holiday next week.
"I'm sorry," Tara said, stroking Darcy's hair. "You know I'd invite you if I could. Anyway, weren't you and Charlie going to hang out while Nick and I were gone?"
Charlie froze, biting his lip. "Um… well… as much as I was looking forward to that… I, um… I'm actually going with Nick to Menorca now. We're going tomorrow."
"What?" Darcy sat up so quickly she almost headbutted her girlfriend in the chin. "How the fuck did you manage that?"
"I honestly have no idea," said Charlie.
"Well, I think they deserve it," said Tao. "They did just go through rather a lot, remember?"
Tao's face fell the second after he said it. A tension had arrived along with his words, a tension which up until now, had been simmering under the surface of their carefree day.
"It's okay, Tao," said Charlie quickly. "We do deserve it."
"And honestly, we were equally as shocked when our mums told us the new plan," said Nick. "But we're excited too."
"I bet you are," said Tara.
"Will you get to share a room?" asked Elle.
"Yep," said Charlie, smirking. "Our own room for two whole weeks."
"Ugh!" Darcy whined. "I'm so jealous."
"As long as nobody comes home pregnant," said Tao.
"Who's coming home pregnant?" Sahar asked, returning with Aled and several carrier bags of food.
"Not us, apparently," said Nick. "Want some help with that?"
Nick took one of the bags from Aled and the three of them helped to dish out the portions of chip shop food.
And suddenly, a polystyrene container of fish and chips was in Charlie's hands and Charlie disappeared. Fog rolled in from the corners of his brain, coming in way further than it normally did. It blocked out his food and Nick beside him. His friends' chatter became garbled and indistinct. He could hear rather than feel his own heart pounding in his chest. His palms were cold beneath the sweat making the container slide in his grasp. He let it fall onto his lap. Somehow a chip made it's way between his thumb and forefinger. He raised it to his mouth -
"Charlie?"
He practically jumped out of his skin.
"Charlie?"
"Huh?"
He looked around. Nick was were he had always been, right beside him. Nobody else had moved either. It was Charlie who had vanished. Along with everyone else's food. Only Charlie's remained entirely untouched.
"Guess I'm a slow eater today," he said with a forced chuckle. He couldn't meet Nick's concerned eyes.
But then familiar warm hands caressed his shoulders, and then Nick folded himself around him, sitting so that Charlie could lean against his chest, cuddled between his arms.
"Oh hi there," Charlie laughed.
"Hi," Nick murmured. "Wanna go somewhere else to eat?"
A pink hew coloured Charlie's otherwise pale cheeks. Nick hated the despair in those blue eyes once again.
"No. I… I don't want the others to notice."
"We could go and get an ice cream or something?"
"Nick, I - I can't. I can't today. I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey, don't apologise. I'm just w-"
"Are you two gonna keep flirting," came Tao's shout. "Or are you gonna help us eat these snacks?"
Elle had opened her box of falafel and was currently sharing them around to the others. She held the tub out to Nick and Charlie.
"We're all full," said Nick. "Sorry."
"Fine, more for us," said Tao.
Charlie leaned back against Nick and nuzzled his face into his neck. "Thank you," he whispered.
"It's okay."
But Nick wasn't sure if it was. Was anything ever actually okay anymore?
After a stroll back down the promenade, the eight of them made their way back onto the sand. The afternoon was turning out to be even warmer than the morning and so Nick and Charlie had been the only ones left on the towels while the others paddled in the waves.
"Hey," said Nick. Charlie pulled out an earphone. "Come in the water with me?"
"I…" Charlie swallowed. Tried again. "I really… don't want to take my top off."
"Keep it on." Nick swept a hand over Charlie's curls, then got to his feet, extending a hand to help Charlie up too. "It'll dry in the sun."
Hand in hand, Charlie let Nick guide him away from the towels and across the sand to where the waves lapped at their feet. Just being able to hold Nick's hand like this in such a public place, old Charlie would have been thrilled. There were so many people around them and none of them were judging them. No one cared that two boys were holding hands in the sea. That would have been more than enough to make old Charlie happy. It still did make him happy - and he was trying but…
"It's s-so cold," he gasped. "I never go in the sea. We should go under."
"What? I thought you said it was too cold."
A mischievous glint had appeared in Charlie's eyes. "Ready?"
Nick nodded. And then they both took a massive breath and then they were under water. In the few seconds they were completely submerged, the thought of somehow orchestrating an under-water kiss ran through Nick's head - but then they were floating to the surface again, gasping and rubbing salty water from their eyes.
"Hey!" Charlie exclaimed. "I found a shallower bit."
Nick looked up to see Charlie splashing about, laughing, his t-shirt soaked through and clinging to him, hair soggy and flattened.
Nick was by his side before he'd even decided to move. Charlie seemed surprised when Nick wrapped his arms around him but yelled when Nick tipped them both over into the water again. All he had wanted was to hear Charlie laugh again - and it had worked.
"For god's sake," Charlie giggled once they had righted themselves. "I hate you."
He swept his wet hair out of his eyes, grinning, then folded his arms more securely around Nick's neck. His toes skimmed the seabed and he didn't feel like treading water right now. Nick would hold him up. He always would.
"I love you," Charlie murmured.
With a sigh, the sea calmed as Charlie kissed him. It was a bit salty but neither of them minded.
"I love you."
Nick kissed him again, firmer this time, his hand wrapped between soggy dark strands. It still found a way to curl, he noticed. Perfect. Everything about Charlie was so perfect. He'd never understand how anyone could see any differently. Charlie deserved to be protected, to be safe and happy. Forever. Nick used to think he could do that for him - and he still wanted to, more than anything, but now he knew just how difficult a job that was going to be.
"Char?"
"Hmm?" Charlie caught the nervous look on Nick's face. "What is it?"
"I, um… I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Okay." He stroked Nick's cheek. "You can talk to me about anything."
Nick's heart stumbled. Here Charlie was comforting him. He took a breath. "Charlie, I think you have an eating disorder. I've been doing some research and I know you don't want me to, like, try to cure you, but I care about you so much and I can see how much worse it's gotten since we…"
Nick watched Charlie's eyes cloud over, saw his face freeze in shock and fear and something else Nick couldn't name. Why did you have to bring that up, Nelson? You could have chosen a better moment. A better day. But when would that be? Charlie was struggling and had been for a long time. Maybe Nick could help this one thing get better. Maybe.
"Are you… are you angry at me?"
"No," said Charlie. "No, it's - you're right. I probably do have an eating disorder."
Even if both of them had known it were true, it was an entire other thing to hear Charlie say it out loud. They had both been skirting around the issue so much over the past few months - there had always seemed to be more pressing matters to deal with.
Charlie glanced down. "What do I do, then?"
"You could tell your parents?"
Charlie sighed. He let his head flop onto Nick's shoulder. "I don't know if they'd believe me. Most people think eating disorders are… a girl thing."
"But they're not," said Nick. Charlie lifted his head. "I looked it up. We can show them articles and websites about it. We can explain it to them and then - and then they can help."
"Yeah," said Charlie, wrapping himself again around Nick's side. His enthusiasm on Charlie's behalf… it sparked a flame of hope inside him, one that had never existed before. Not about this. It was tiny but it was there. "We can try."
Charlie had promised to have dinner with his family that evening, since he'd be sleeping at Nick's before leaving for the airport early the following day.
"It'll be a few hours," he told Nick as Mariam drove them back toward Rochester. "You can spend the time packing. I know you haven't done any."
Nick groaned. "Can't you do it for me?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you love me. And you'd do a better job than me. You're so tidy."
"Nick, I am not packing your suitcase for you. And besides, wouldn't you rather have it done before I get there so we can spend the evening doing something else?"
Nick could find no argument for that logic. "Okay," he said. "But please hurry. I miss you already just thinking about it."
"Just imagine," said Charlie. "This time in two weeks you'll be sick of me."
"If that ever happens, assume I'm ill."
All in all, Charlie suspected Mariam, Elle, Tao and Aled were very relieved once Nick and Charlie had left the car. They at least saved their kiss goodbye for after they had thanked Mariam for the lift and she had driven away.
Eventually, Charlie pried himself away from Nick - for the last time in quite a while, he reminded himself. He followed his new route home, avoiding the shortcut he used to take. The shortcut he'd avoided at all costs ever since that night when he'd failed to make it to Nick's house for a long, long time.
Instead of the usual ten minutes, the walk now took about fifteen. When he finally got in, he swiftly dodged his brother's constant questions about the trip to the seaside and jumped into the shower to de-sand before dinner.
Dinner.
His stomach had been rumbling for so long now, the sensation had become a comfort.
An eating disorder.
I probably have an eating disorder.
He had said those exact words not two hours ago.
For the first time ever he had allowed himself to speak into existence something that had only ever plagued him from within. Of all the wounds he carried with him, this, Charlie thought, might be the deepest. And it had not been wrought from a fist or a bullet or being locked in a freezer. No. The first hit had been voices. Whispered voices. Shouted voices. So constant they never quite left his head.
He shut the water off and watched the sand drift down the plughole. He looked down at his feet, his legs. Skinny. He'd always been skinny. But had he always been so pale? He stood there for a long time before he realised his legs were shaking. Charlie forced his mind away from the precipice and yanked the shower door open. Avoiding his reflection at all costs, he bundled himself into a big, soft towel and hurried back to his room.
His suitcase was lying open in the corner where he'd left it, fully packed. Neat and tidy and perfect. Tomorrow. He was going on holiday tomorrow. With Nick.
And then he was swooping around his room, getting dried and dressed. In Menorca, things would be different. There would be no reason to stress or to worry or to fear - not when Nick was beside him and no one could take him away from him - not for two whole weeks.
Charlie held onto this dreamlike vision as he sat down at the table with his family an hour later. He had almost forgotten his other good news until his mum brought it up mid-conversation.
"Now, I know you're excited," she told him. "But I need you to be safe in Menorca. And I mean that in all aspects, Charlie. Just because you got your results back doesn't mean Nick is safe, too."
Charlie almost choked on the mouthful of potato he had managed. "Mum… I've told you so many times. Nick has never been with anyone else ever, just like I haven't. We're two of the most safe people to be having sex. The whole thing was a waste of time, honestly…"
"Why are we talking about this?" Tori mumbled.
"Because," said Jane. "It's important. It's important to be safe."
"Your mother's right," said Julio, wisely. "It's a big step letting you go away without us. You know we're going to worry about you constantly."
"Sarah will be there," said Charlie. "And Nick's aunt and uncle. It's not like it's going to be just the two of us." No matter how much they'd love that.
"I know," said Julio. "But all the same, we've been through a lot as a family lately, and well… We'd like to have you back in one piece if that's allowed?"
"Do you expect him to get eaten by a shark or something?" said Tori. "Or just German tourists?"
Charlie laughed quietly but he couldn't blame his parents, not really. Not at all, when he really thought about it. "I'll be fine," he said. "The worst that'll happen is… I'll stub my toe in the pool like I always do or… Nick'll get sunburnt. Everything's going to be perfect."
Oliver suddenly gave a cry of despair, pouting into his roast. "It's not fair. I want to go on holiday."
Julio chuckled and set his cutlery down. "I think we're all a bit jealous, Olly. We're gonna have to start properly thinking about our holiday next year, aren't we?"
"Yay!" Oliver went to throw his arms in the air, forgetting one of them was still in a cast. "Can Nick come with us?"
Jane and Julio stared at him.
"Can Nick come with us?" Charlie repeated.
Jane gave a strange sort of laugh. "We'll see."
The look in her eye told Charlie one thing - that somehow, she still very much doubted whether Nick would even still be in Charlie's life this time next year. Charlie wondered, half amused at the thought, whether his mum would still be surprised even on their wedding day.
When Jane got up to clear the plates away, she tutted when she saw Charlie's leftovers. "What a waste…"
The words had been uttered under her breath but Charlie heard it. He would always hear it.
Tell her. Tell them.
I have an eating disorder.
He was gone from the table before Julio could mention dessert.
When he came back down stairs again, luggage in tow, no one brought up his prior swift exit from the table. Charlie had spent the last half an hour unpacking and repacking his case, making sure he had everything he could possibly need and that it was orderly. He had even added a few more books tucked down the sides.
With his grey backpack over one shoulder, he hugged Tori and Oliver goodbye, promising to send them a postcard and bring home souvenirs.
Then he let his mum hug him. Despite her slip up this evening, Charlie could tell she was really trying to change. She had been quieter, more contemplative around him. He knew deep down that she did everything she had ever done to him out of love. Well, love or fear. But fear for him - which looped back around to love in the end.
Julio drove Charlie the short distance to Nick's house. A tangled mixture of nerves and excitement had appeared in his stomach and he thought maybe his dad was experiencing a similar thing. Julio was feigning cheer, as normal, but he could tell how anxious he was. He kept tapping his fingernails against the steering wheel and his laughter came out a little forced. But Charlie was grateful for his trying. Things with his dad had always been simple. Never too scary, never too dull.
"Got your passport?" Julio asked as pulled up outside number thirty-four.
"Yes, dad. It's in my backpack."
Charlie wished he'd stop asking him that. He knew he had it. He knew where it was. He had checked it every time his dad had asked during the five minute drive, plus a few extra times on his own.
"Well, have a lovely time, then."
Charlie reached across to hug him. Of all the people in his family, Julio was probably the huggiest, not counting Oliver. But lately, Julio's hugs had grown in both frequency and ferocity. With his face buried in the slightly scratchy material of his dad's shirt, Charlie inhaled.
When he tried to pull away, his dad held on tighter. Was Julio trying not to cry?
By the time he was freed to stand on the pavement, his luggage at his feet, the nerves and the excitement had both been dulled by something else. How did he keep finding new ways to torture his parents?
He clasped the handle of his suitcase and dragged it up the familiar path. He rang the doorbell, hoping for a few seconds to compose himself - but almost immediately, the door opened and Nick appeared, beaming.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. This was why he was doing this to his dad.
Charlie grinned back. "Were you waiting for me on the stairs?"
"Maybe… You alright?"
Charlie shrugged. "Gonna let me in, then?"
"I suppose so…" Nick helped Charlie heft his case over the threshold into a corner of the hall, ready for tomorrow. "I hope you left room for things other than books."
Charlie raised his eyebrows. "What would you rather I brought? Books or clothes? … I can't wear books."
"Just gonna walk around naked, then?" Charlie loved watching Nick's cheeks turn that exact shade of pink. "Not sure the rest of my family would appreciate that as much as I would."
"That's a shame." Charlie chuckled but it came out rather flat.
Nick frowned. "Hey, are you sure you're alright? You looked kind of… shell-shocked when I opened the door."
"Well, you did wait all of a second after I rang the bell. So eager…"
"You know that's not what I meant."
Charlie sighed. "I dunno. Just my brain being special. Nothing new. It doesn't matter -"
"Charlie! Of course it matters. Come here."
He pulled him toward him and kissed his forehead, then bundled him into a hug.
If Charlie could live inside one of Nick's hugs then he would. He could make a lovely life for himself between these strong arms. And he was making a good go of it before a shuffle of slippers alerted them to Sarah's arrival.
"I thought I heard you come in," she said. "All ready for tomorrow, then, sweetheart?"
"Yep. Thanks again for letting me come along."
"Nonsense, dear." She surveyed Charlie's face and frowned. "Would you like a cup of tea before bed? You look like you could do with one."
Nick and Charlie followed Sarah into the kitchen and sat down on the bench. There was a definite lack of excitable scampering.
"Where's Nellie staying while we're away?" Charlie asked.
"She was shipped off to my parents house earlier," said Sarah, putting the kettle on. "She loves it there so she won't be too miserable without us."
Once three steaming mugs of tea had been procured, Charlie felt altogether much calmer. Nick's free hand had covered Charlie's knee. He squeezed it gently.
"Talk to me," he said. "If you're worried about tomorrow…"
"I'm not. Not really. I suppose I just feel a bit bad for leaving my family when they just got me back. I've been avoiding them a lot lately. I've spent almost all of my time here and I can't even - I can't even hug my mum without flinching."
Nick could not abide that specific guilt. "Well, I'm not sure what she expects. She did hit you twice."
Sarah, who had been listening politely from across the table, blinked at the reminder of what Jane had done. She gave a soft exhale. "It's not your job to fix the fallout from those incidents, Charlie. Your mum is the one who needs to take responsibility for how poorly she handled a difficult situation."
"We did go against her rules, though," said Charlie. "I should never have initiated -"
Nick cleared his throat. He didn't really want to get into the details of that night in front of his mum. "Maybe we did break her rules, Char, but that doesn't mean she has the right to physically hurt you."
Charlie shook his head, squeezing Nick's knee back. "It wasn't that bad really, her hitting me. I suppose it's mostly the way it made me feel inside. The way it still makes me feel so guilty for scaring her so much that she'd do something like that."
"Oh, baby," said Sarah. She got up swiftly and moved around the table to sit on Charlie's other side. "May I hug you?"
He nodded and let her fold her arms around him.
"The last few weeks - months even - have been massive adjustments for all of us. We're only human, even if we are also your parents. We're going to slip up sometimes."
"Yeah, but Jane crossed a line, over and over," Nick muttered.
"Maybe so," said Sarah. "And the rest of us need to remember that it's the two of you who have been through something awful. Even though we may never understand all that that means, you need to give yourselves more grace. Both of you."
Nick blinked. Charlie lifted his head from Sarah's shoulder.
"Nicky, I can tell you're always trying to keep it together when Charlie's here, but whenever he isn't -"
Her eyes clouded over. Charlie swallowed and glanced at Nick. He had gone very pale.
How had Nick been doing whenever he wasn't by Charlie's side? If it was bad enough for Sarah to get this upset over then, Charlie wasn't sure he wanted to know - because then he'd never leave Nick's side ever again.
Sarah downed the rest of her tea and gave a great sniff. "Well, I'm exhausted and we haven't even set off yet. I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight, dears. Oh, and try not to get too distracted - you could both do with an early night and you, Nicky, need to finish packing."