Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., … why do I bother? You would look at the first chapter, chuckle a bit, and click it away. Meh, I have fun typing it.

Previous:

She said: "If anyone asks, this never happened. We got rid of those contracts and can date who we want. Lord Black made it so."

Lilly spoke up: "You must know, Siri is of the market, I let this slide once, but you better prepare for a fight if you go after him. I don't share."

39 Fights.

Bellatrix turned to Lilly and grinned: "Oh? You would fight? Do tell little Harlot, what are your chances of winning?"

Oops, this doesn't look good, I tried to stop it, "Trixy, please don't."

"Zip it, Siri," said Lilly, "this is between us women, and for your information, Miss Black, my chances are 95% I give those 5% to you in case you got a lucky shot in."

James stopped me: "Hold it, Siri, you see, the moment Bellatrix starts fighting Lilly, means she has the hots for you! She is seven years older than you! That is almost a Milf! No, she is a Hilf, she is not a Mother yet, so a Hotty I like to… I'll shut up now."

Shit! I knew I shouldn't have taught him all those expressions... Why am I suddenly the center of attention? James is the one with the blabbermouth!

Lilly asked with a frosty voice: "Black? What have you been teaching Potter? I know it was you!"

Trixy softly asked: "Explain to me, Heir Black, What exactly does Milf and Hilf mean? Somehow I think I won't like the answer, but tell me anyway."

I tried to save my skin, "James, I am going to tape that big mouth shut! You are getting me killed here. Lilly, we were having a guy's talk, and it slipped away. Bella, James will accept any punishment you see fit."

"No, I won't! Miss Black, Lilly was 95% sure she could take you on!" flapped Potter out.

Huh? He is throwing Lilly under the bus? Why didn't I think of that? Ah, yeah she would kick my ass.

"We will discuss this after dinner, Potter," promised Lilly.

"95%? Are you sure, little Harlot? You are underestimating me, you know." teased Bellatrix, "Are you confident in that number? From where I am standing I'll give you 3%, 6% at most."

Lilly looked up from her book and asked: "You want to fight me over Siri? Are you in love with him?"

Trixy glared: "This is beyond that cheeky brat, this is questioning my skills! Take your wand out and show me what you got!"

Lilly shrugged and said: "I don't need a wand, Miss Black, see? Didn't Malfoy explain how he got frozen by Siri? Now you know how it feels. Hmm, a Hilf… a leather outfit would be best, boots with high heels, net stockings, whip, I got it! There, you can have Potter."

While talking, Lilly froze Trixy, turned her clothes in a sexy leather outfit, a tiny miniskirt, gave her high-heel boots, and put a collar on James with a leash to Trixie's hand.

Narcissa gasped: "It was you! You were the one that petrified Malfoy all these times!"

Lilly shook her head: "No it wasn't me, Siri taught me, he doesn't need me to do his battles. Here, Miss Black, everything is back to normal."

James showed with which part he was thinking when he said: "Noo! Lilly! That was too soon! She was smoking hot in that outfit!"

Suddenly there was plenty of room besides James when Bellatrix slowly turned to James, Andromeda stopped her: "Bella, we came to thank Siri, not to trash his friends. Come we better go and cool off. Miss Evans, you can have him. You must consider a career in fashion though."

When the door closed behind them, Marlene McKinnon asked: "James? What does Milf and Hilf means?"

Snape, that bastard ratted us out: "It means, Mother I Like To Fuck and Hotty I Like To Fuck. There are more…"

Hah! Lilly taped his mouth closed. She glared at me and said: 'Stop corrupting them, Siri! We are eleven and twelve, not twenty-one."

Alice commented: "Hush Lilly, we don't mind studying in advance. Wandless Magic, for example, I am dying to learn that. Lilly? Can you teach us? We will promise to leave Black to you."

Snape muttered, "Who would want that prick anyway."

Mary and Marlene joined the Puppy-eye squad, circling Lilly, it got worse, James and Lupin joined them.

James said: "Pretty please, Lilly, we are afraid to ask Sirius, he would take it too seriously, and would seriously hurt us. And if you can give the girls those kinds of outfits then I will… auw! What is it with those stinging hexes!"

The door slammed open again and Lucius stood in the doorway with Theo Nott and his butt boys. It must hurt somewhere because his face was going through several expressions and stopped in disgust, he swallowed and said, "Heir Black, we have to thank you for exposing the potions we had in our body. We can think clearly now and can see where we went wrong. I apologize for trying to attack you this year."

I nodded: "I can live with that, apologize accepted, Heir Malfoy. Tell me, I am curious, did Riddle put his mark on you? By the way you all grab your left arm I take that as a yes. Then I give you a fair warning, Heir Malfoy, that mark is not a simple Tattoo, it is a slave brand, worse, it is connected to your very being. He can summon you with it and even punish you through it."

By the looks of horror, I told them something new, I continued: "Your best bet is to let the goblins try to remove it. He won't like it when his slaves won't listen to his commands."

They left in a hurry, Mary McDonald commented: "You know, Sirius, sometimes you are scaring us to the bones. Lilly, he is all yours, I doubt someone else wants to have him."

"Hey! I am considered a prime catch! Give it a few years and I am the NR1 Bachelor in Teen Witch Weekly!" I protested, "I am a Hunk! I am something Females dream of and Males trying to surpass! The only reason I am monogamous is that Lilly would kick my ass into next year if I dare to stray off the path!"

That, and I probably move to the next layer before I even get my first… fourth kiss in.

Xxxxx

We took the kids to the RoR, sworn them to secrecy, and demonstrated the limits of the Room, at the beach, Lilly and I sat in beach chairs, I sighed, "Look at how our kids play in the sand, Honey, do you feel old too?"

Lilly sighed: "That you are not crazy yet is an achievement, Siri, first Harry, then Dudley now Sirius; how do you keep it apart? When I woke up as Lilly with the memories of two different Hermione's, I thought I went over the edge and woke up in the afterlife."

"You get used to it, be glad we still have the skills from Dudley's Layer." I comforted her, "I was Tom once, now that was a wild ride, I didn't get to keep his memories though, just a general impression of his life, and I am kind of glad I forgot, he ended up with Sixteen kids. Our wandless Magic is enough, that and the memories of the time we spend in the Zombie Dungeon."

Lilly sighed: "That alone is cause for nightmares, Siri. We spent more than a year killing Zombies, no, you can not call it killing, slaughtering them is more like it."

"You are right, Lilly, but they are skills we need to go against Tom. As firsties, we don't stand a chance without them." I argued. "Come, we will teach the kids some spells."

We had fun, keeping a beach ball up with wandless Magic was both educational and entertaining, watching pure-bloods having fun with muggle games made them forget they were practicing advanced Magic which made it easier to learn.

Bellatrix must have seen a memory of her outfit, she was prancing around in high-heeled boots, and a whip on her side, the results were divided, some made a detour when they saw her coming, others were drooling. It is a fact that high heels accentuate the ass, it is true! That is why we males tried it in the seventies, it didn't do shit for us though, we looked ridiculous with it. At least I did.

Xxxxx

Lilly and I got top grades, one and two of our year, the highest scores of the century, I bet Tommy won't like the news, we dethroned him with a landslide.

On the ride home, we made plans for the summer, I suggested: "My parents are in France, we can meet at our house, or at my Gramps house, he got a major stick up his ass though, although the business with Riddle mellowed him down a bit."

Lilly commented: "Relax, Siri, everyone has their notebook, we can make plans on the spot. We even have our emergency coins in case of trouble. Severus, I expect you to use them."

The door slammed open again, and the three Princesses of Darkness entered, Bellatrix turned to Lilly, "Harlot? How long do your transfigurations last?"

Lilly looked up at Trixy and answered: "If I use my wand and mean it, up to two months, Siri can make it permanent. Why do you want to know?"

"I want that leather outfit from last time, I don't need this school uniform anymore, so you can change it," she explained smiling.

"If you stop calling me Harlot, I will," said Lilly while she took her wand out.

A few minutes later, Trixy walked out of our compartment in a killer outfit, Lilly did the works, even the underwear, thong, and push-up bra, I know, I had to see it to make it permanent, Potter, Lupin, and Snape were blindfolded for that, and Lilly was staring daggers with her wand out during the process, so I had to hurry or suffer.

Strangely enough, Malfoy stayed away, I bet he dreads to go home, my remarks on his Dark Mark are haunting him, I know he was writing about it to his father, every morning at breakfast he was eagerly looking at the incoming owls. Meh, fuck him.

Xxxxx

I started my holiday with a visit to Gringotts, at the counter I asked: "Hello, do you guys talk to snakes?"

The little bugger said: "Sometimes I talk to one, yes."

The look on his face said he meant me with it. I took a deep breath and said: "Okay, that came out wrong, let me try again, do you people have some that are Parselmouths? You know, being able to talk to real snakes?"

The bastard was being funny, he answered: "Everyone can talk to snakes, some even talk back. Understanding them is the hard part. Now do you have any business here or are you wasting my time with some trivia?"

"Well, smart ass, if you made an effort to answer my bloody question, then you would not waste My time. My business depends on whether someone can talk to snakes or not. You know, you have to work on your people skills." I bit back.

"Funny that you say that little prick, I did not notice your good manners when you rudely demanded answers from me." he retorted.

"Well excuse me for not knowing your customs, Small stuff! It is not that there are books about them are there? And being Rude? Have you heard yourself talking? I bet Rude is your middle name, and if it isn't then it should be. Now, Mr. Rude, are you going to answer my question or do I have to kick your ass to get some service here." I was getting angrier with the minute.

"I like to see you try, small stuff, you wouldn't be the first one that felt my axe in his neck." he threatens.

"Boohoo! Do you have an axe? Can you even lift it up, or is it a baby model? I am so scared now, I don't even need my wand for a pipsqueak like you. Bring it on mommy's boy! I bet your mom was a Goblin and your dad was one too, because you look like one! Burn!" I taunted him.

"Said the baby that just outgrew his diapers, and I know for a fact that your Mum is crazy, it shows on you. Burn back to you! Now get out or I'll have you shoveling dragon dung for a month!" he almost shouted.

"Then I can start with shoveling you out, shit for brains! Now get someone here that has some authority or I slap some sense into your head." I shouted.

The guards broke our fight up, took me to a waiting room, and told me someone would come for me. Twenty minutes later our account manager came in the room, "Heir Black, why didn't you ask for me, instead of picking a fight with a teller?"

"Well, Sharpclaw, I just needed to know if you people have Parselmouths. That asshole could have said yes or no, he made a big deal out of it for nothing. Now do you have people that can talk to snakes?"

He nodded: "We have a few with that gift, Heir Black, do you require one?"

I sighed: "Yes, I need one, I happen to know the location of a big snake, getting there is the hard part, the location can only be opened by a Parselmouth."

Sharpclaw said: "A big snake? All that racket you made was for a snake? What kind of snake are you talking about?"

I grinned: "A thousand-year-old Basilisk, Sharpclaw, I just need a Parselmouth and a set of roosters, oh, and a very big trunk to put it in."

Sharpclaw looked suspiciously at me: "Do tell me, where did you find one, if you need a Parselmouth to get it? How do you know there is one?"

I explained Myrtle and how she died, Tom Marvolo Riddle, who blamed Hagrid and ended with: "We can go there in the holiday, to reduce the danger for the children. We can negotiate the fees for rendering the carcass and selling the parts when you see the size of that beast."

Xxxxx

A week later, Grandpa, Sharpclaw, Griselda Marchbanks, a Goblin named Snakebites, a young reporter named Labber Mouth, and a bunch of roosters in a trunk and I entered Hogwarts.

McGonagall, the current Headmistress let us in, she glared at me and said: "If you wasted my time, then you can expect a month of detentions in September, Mr. Black."

I shrugged: "Sure, make it six months, Headmistress. If that makes you feel better."

I led them into Myrtle's Bathroom, pointed the alert spells out, and commented: "Dumbledore knew what and where was hidden here. Snakebites, say open to this snake motive. See? Headmistress? A secret passageway. Snakebites, ask for stairs and lights. Ah, that is so much better."

McGonagall stopped glaring at me when she saw the shed skin, I commented: "Yes, that old bastard knew about that snake, and didn't do shit about it. A real Hero, don't you think?"

At the door of the Chamber, we conjured mirror shields to be safe, Snakebites opened the chamber and we entered, I opened the trunk and took about twenty roosters out.

I said to Snakebites, "Ask for lights and talk to those statues to speak to Slytherin, I bet that snake is in one of them. When you hear it, tell us so we can run out of here."

It was a bit anti-climatic, Basi didn't last five seconds, his head hung out of the statue. Ah, picture time! Labber was ecstatic! This was front-page news and will give a boost to his career. His camera went in overdrive, I was happy to pose of course. Was it a coincidence that it looked like the dark mark? Maybe. With a bit of effort, we got it in the trunk.

Gramps was in seventh heaven until I said to Sharpclaw: "The sales are going into my personal vault, Sharpclaw, as the contractor I make my claim on the carcass. You don't object, do you, Headmistress? After all, I made this school a safer place. Your Hero Dumbledore had his chance to get rid of it, and didn't do shit about it."

McGonagall protested: "Dumbledore did great deeds for this country, Mr. Black, he deserves all our respect."

"Oh, really? Tell me, Headmistress, what if I can point the people here to another of Dumbledore's crimes? Do you want to put a bet on it?" I dared her.

"Nonsense, you can't, Mr. Black." declared the Cat.

I faced Madam Marchbanks and said to her: "If you take a stroll into that forbidden forest, you will find, not two miles in, a huge Acromantula colony. Hagrid had an Acromantula pet at the time Myrtle got killed, he let it live in the forest and, with Dumbledore's blessing, even provided a mate for it. Can you guess how many hungry Acromantula are roaming the forest now?"

Gramps asked McGonagall: "Minerva? How safe are the children at Hogwarts? With the Basilisk gone, they will come for dinner, the children being the dinner. Well? Headmistress? I think Dumbledore is by far the worst Headmaster in History, his actions can be regarded as from a Dark Lord."

Sharpclaw made an offer: "Gringotts offer to cull that colony for 50% of the carcasses and the silk on site.

All this time Labber was taking notes, he was imagining the headlines already, Dark Lord Dumbledore, Horror at Hogwarts, Acromantula snacking on children… that last one needs some work.

Xxxxx

The headlines in the Daily Garbage screamed bloody murder.

A Thousand-year-old Basilisk found living at Hogwarts!

Dear, Readers!

Yesterday I was invited to come along and make a report on some rumors at Hogwarts. Who didn't hear about the fabled Chamber of Secrets that nobody could locate?

Well, dear Readers, that Secret Chamber isn't a secret anymore. Yesterday, Heir Sirius Black led a group to that very chamber! He explained: "It was easy to find out about it. My first clue was Myrtle Warren, she was killed when the chamber was last rumored to be opened. It led me to the bathroom she was haunting and I noticed the malfunctioning sink and the alert spells Dumbledore put on it. So I organized this group to slay the beast during the holidays."

Dear Readers! One of the Goblins is a Parselmouth, and on directions of Heir Black, he opened the passage. The first indication of the size of that Basilisk was when we found a huge shed of skin, we arrived at the entrance of the Secret Chamber and prepared to enter, With mirrored shields in our hands, we entered the Chamber, Heir Black unloaded a few dozens of roosters out of his trunk, and told the Goblin to order the statues to open.

At the third statue of Slytherin, the mouth opened, we rushed outside to safety and let the roosters do their job.

Five minutes later we took a look at said Basilisk, measuring it we came at 85 feet long! The pictures tell it all, it could swallow me up and have room for two more persons!

All this, and Dumbledore knew where to find it and did nothing. It gets worse! Dumbledore approved that the Gamekeeper could keep an Acromantula colony not two miles in the forest!

Acromantula are known Wizard killers, keeping them is strictly regulated, and Dumbledore let them roam free next to a school.

Dear readers, Dumbledore may have been a Hero in 1945, but he turned into a Dark Lord since. Did the glory get to his head? Did he think he was allowed to do whatever he liked?

Add in the fact that he was using Potions on his students to cause discord and hate, it saddens me to say that whatever he did in 1945 is overshadowed by all the crimes he committed in Hogwarts.

I leave these questions for the Wizengamot to answer, we can only hope there won't be other skeletons coming out of his closet.

Your Reporter

Labber Mouth B.

More on the fabled Chamber on Page 3

The criteria to be regarded as a Dark Lord, on page 4

Acromantula silk, a dangerous luxury more on page 5

Heir Black a once in a once-in-a-century genius, more on page 6

Heir Black announced: "I am spoken for!" who is the lucky girl? More on page 7

How to marry the one you desire, more in Teen Which Weekly.

100 certain ways to seduce your husband without him finding out, In next week's TWW.

Amortentia, the aid of a maiden, or a bachelor's Bane? TWW explains the pros and cons.

Xxxxx

Aah, fame, glory, good looks, money, it is great to be me! The newspaper did good business, a whole week was dedicated to me and Basi, my friends got interviewed... They ratted me out more like it. Somehow they got the memory of me and Tom at the Yule celebration, where I cast two corporeal Patronus, and embarrassed Tom with it.

I visited James to get away from the relatives, I told him: "Can you believe Uncle Cygnus tried to hook one of my cousins on me? Bellatrix even tortured me with that bit of news, until I told her that I would set Lilly on her if she didn't back off."

James cracked up, "Serves you well, Basilisk Slayer. I bet Lilly will go nuts in September to chase the girls away. How many Houses offered a betrothal contract? I bet for every unmarried girl from 5 years old to 66. With the money from that Basilisk you are set for life, if I had a sister I would be begging right now for you to marry her."

Lord Potter heard our conversation and said: "That is true, Sirius. At the moment you are the catch of the decade, your picture next to that Basilisk says more than a thousand words about your skills and talent."

"Not to speak about his good looks," added Lady Potter, "There will be catfights over him next term."

James shook his head: "No there won't be any fights over him, Mother. Remember Lilly Evans? She celebrated Yule with us last year. Both of them made their claim on each other, and both are scary good at Magic."

He smiled: "I saw her take on Bellatrix Black, and took her out in less than ten seconds, I can show you the memory if you want."

I grinned: "Then I show them what happened next, Mr. Sweet talker, remember the Hotty I like…"

James paled: "Never mind. My point is that Lilly won't have any competition."

He turned to me and grinned evilly: "That is unless Lord Black signs the contracts in his name."

I grinned back: "Don't worry about that, James, I already had that Talk with Grandfather. Aunty Dorea? I happen to know two stunning beautiful girls who are good friends with James. And get this, they are already practicing Wandless Magic. Mary McDonald and Marlene McKinnon are advancing very fast with it, you better hurry before the word gets out about their talent. Alice Brown has her eyes set on Frank Longbottom, or there would be three girls to choose from."

Aunt Dorea's eyes shined brightly: "I know their grandparents! Charlus, why don't we invite them over? If what Sirius said is true, being good friends is a solid base to build a marriage on. Sirius, you can bring your Lilly."

Crap! Marlene and Mary are going to kill me! I forgot that the Potters had James late in their life, they probably want to secure his future just in case. Well, I might as well go with it and get James hooked up with one or two girls.

James glared at me, I returned it with an innocent smile: "Don't get mad, James, you have to admit they are very pretty, and they are good friends of us, you already lost Alice's interest, she is pining for Frank Longbottom, if you don't hurry they will be off the market before you know it. Having Wandless Magic at twelve years old is rare, you know. Did you show yours to Aunty Dorea?"

His looks of betrayal are hilarious, don't give it if you can't take it, Dude! At that moment I turned serious and took my notebook out, James did the same.

I read: "Siri, our house is under siege, twenty or more Death Eaters and Tom are here. Get your ass here quick, the wards will fail in about ten minutes. Lilly."

I turned to Uncle Charlus: "I have to go, can you contact Gramps and bring him to Lilly's house? I have some Death Eaters' ass to kick."

I activated my portkey coin, a masterly done job by Lilly, it got me through the wards from Potter Manor with no trouble, a fact that Uncle Charlus will be questioning me over, no doubt.

I arrived a few hundred yards out of the Evans home and prepared myself. It is time to kick some Voldie's ass, but what am I to do with his slaves?