For days the kiss repeated in my head, the way she felt, her warmth, the heat. And I wished it would stop. It had almost been a week since the kiss and I was slowly being driven mad by the memory of it, the dreams. I already thought more about her than I should. And clearly the feelings were more than just attraction, if the dreams were anything to go by. And the nightmare that had me paralysed in my bed this morning. Slowly feeling came to me and first thing I realised was the heat, more than usual and a weight on my left side. Moving my eyes I was greeted to a thick mane of dark hair. My heart picked up as I realised it was Katara and her head was on my shoulder her hand on my sternum. Her leg hooked over mine. Did... wait I went to bed alone, right? My arm was numb under her. When her fingers pressed on my sternum I stopped breathing. Mixed feelings, the relief she was okay, evidence what I saw was only a nightmare concocted by my unconsciousness. Surprised she was in my room. And way more happiness than I should. She looked up to me when my arm instinctively tightened on her my free arm coming over hers on my chest. She looked up to me eyes guarded and sad.
"I'm sorry" she whispered "You were screaming the house down... and then you woke up so scared and wouldn't let me go" and then I saw the clear bruise on her arm. "I just... I thought if I stayed-" she cut off as my eyes narrowed on the mark as she quickly pulled her arm from me. "It's okay, I'm fine" she assured me but I was trying to remember waking up, hurting her but I didn't. "I'm not trying to invade on you but I thought it'd help... having a soothing presence"
"It's okay" my voice was hoarse, proof of my nightmares. My hand moved to take her wrist gently and lifted her bruised arm to see the clear hand print. My hand print "I am sorry" I ran my fingers up her arm to brush my finger over the mark.
"What happened?" She asked "You kept crying out my name..." her head stayed on my shoulder. The images of her being tortured, her burning, my father and Azula grinning at me with that manic pleasure as I was held in place, only able to watch. She blurred as tears came to my eyes I had to blink them back. She tried to sit up looking horrified but my arms tightened around her, not quite ready to lose her touch "Zuko?" She breathed
"I just... need a minute" I sighed "I'm still a litt-" I cut off as her lips captured mine her body completely over mine, my left arm freeing. The feel of her on me was soothing and I felt the panic start to subside. She pulled back, still leaving her body draped over mine
"I'm okay, Zuko. I'm safe" she took my hand placing it on her chest over her heart as she put her head on mine "I don't know what you dreamt but it's not real" she whispered
I lifted my left hand the pins and needles making my fingers sensitive when they touched her face. Unscarred, not one burn or cut upon it. It only seemed to make her frown deepen as my eyes roamed her face. This was bad.
"Thank you" I whispered sitting up which was a bad idea as it caused her to straddle me and push against my groin. I ignored it and just hugged her. Her lips pressed on the flesh between my shoulder and neck.
"You have nightmares a lot" she whispered her breath warming my skin
"Yeah"
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked and I shook my head "Zuko, it won't help if you do-"
"I can't. Not right now, not whe-" my throat closed up she nodded gently lifting up to wrap her arms around me head my head buried in her neck my nose against her collarbone and the tension left me.
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it now" she soothed and kissed my head "it just scared me, you haven't... I mean I've seen you have nightmares before but... this seemed bad"
She wasn't wrong. I could feel the ache of my muscles from the tension. I hadn't felt like that since the beginning of my banishment, when my nightmares were the worst.
"I'll be okay" I assured her.
There was a knock on the door and she pulled back, it almost felt as if she didn't want to and then I was hyper aware all of a sudden. I was only in my underwear. Katara in a night dress. She sighed and got off me while walking to the door. Oh that dress was short I internally groaned and rubbed the heel of my hand into my right eye. Suki's voice could be heard and Katara's shoulders relaxed as she opened the door to let the Kyoshi warrior into the room before quickly closing the door.
"Good morning" she smiled softly and I nodded noting the tray in her hands "I figured you wouldn't be up to breakfast with everyone. I brought you some and tea, it's supposed to be relaxing" she said looking a little unconvinced but I couldn't help the snort coming from me.
"Chamomile?" I asked and she nodded "thanks" I smiled softly at the memory of Uncle. I had way too much knowledge on tea because of that old man. Suki's mouth fell open, her eyes widening as she looked at Katara who grinned and mouthed what looked like 'I know, right?'
Suki cleared her throat before putting the tray on the bedside drawer.
"We're all here if you need anything" she said before turning to leave, seeming a little uncomfortable. Did I offend her?
Katara closed the door and turned back to me.
"What did I do?" I asked and she shook her head
"Nothing. You just surprised her" she smiled sitting on the edge of the bed.
"And what you said to her?" I asked and she grinned straightening up
"I don't know what you're talking about" she denied, feigning innocence
"'I know, right?' That's what you said"
"You can lip read?" She asked genuine surprise on her beautiful face. I reached for the tea and raised a brow refusing to answer until she explained. "You have a very... very nice smile. Do you know that?"
"My... smile?" I asked frowning. She went all wierd because of my smile?
"Yeah, it's brightens up that brooding face and you have a little fang and a dimple" she teased leaning forward to touch my left cheek. I ran my tongue over my teeth and sure enough my right side had a sharp tooth "it's very swoon worthy" she sighed as if the very thought took her breath away.
"Oh I see, you only like me for my looks" I quipped and her eyes widened in panic "I'm kidding" I said quickly and she frowned
"I mean, at first yes. Obviously. But... not anymore" she admitted and I had to grip the cup harder because I almost dropped it and the hot liquid on my lap.
"You don't-"
"I know you only... I mean the kiss... I didn't give you much choice on the matter"
"I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to" I said and she nodded
"I know but it was still-"
"Katara, just say it" I said firmly but my voice lacking any frustration.
"I am pretty sure I have feelings for you" she said and at that the cup broke in my hands, my hands burnt but no pain came to may lap. I looked down to see the liquid held there before Katara swiped her hand toward the window and threw it out to the balcony. She stood and water came through the window to cover her hands as she took mine. The cool water was nice and as her hands glowed it only cooled and I felt the pain vanish "I am aware you probably don't feel the same, we're your first healthy friends and you obviously have more important things than romance. But seeing you... it was scary and it hurt me I couldn't help ease your suffering. And I meant what I said. You deserve happiness too, I just... I didn't realised how much I wanted that to be me" her hands released mine as she sat next to me, and I looked at the smooth, unmarked skin. I stood up pacing about the room, fisting my hair as her words sunk in. She- Me? Why would- I couldn't think straight all I knew was I was happier about the words than I had any right to be. And I wanted to tell her I wanted her too. It was torture, these thoughts, feeling and desires that I had to suppress, daily because it was wrong. And she deserved better, she deserved a man who could be there, who wasn't a mess, who wasn't either about to die or be banished. Because those were the only outcomes that made any sense. After all I had done.
"That is no-" her glare as she stood up quickly had the words dying in my throat.
"I get to decide what's good for me. The only thing I want to know is how you feel about it" she declared and that was only harder to answer. Though the way she set her boundaries and left me room to say my peice was impressive. I know she wants the truth, and a big part of me wanted to tell her that truth. That I wanted her too, that despite how much I don't believe I deserve her, or her forgiveness and trust I am selfish enough to accept it.
"I-"
"Do not push me away Zuko!" She demanded standing up her blue eyes hard, almost like the ice she creates and I sighed leaning against the wall.
"It's unbelievable to me that you would want me. You said it yourself I don't make a good life partner" I said my hand hanging in the air "and you also said now is not the time to date, we are at war. And I have an uncertain future- if I have one" I scoffed "but dammit I don't care and feel honoured and happy you would even consider me!" I ended feeling a little breathless "and-"
She stood up coming over to me and I had to hold my hand up palm facing her, she stopped before making contact looking at me with desperation
"And?" She prompted softly almost pleading really and I felt my heart clench. Maybe it was the nightmare, maybe it was waking up to her, maybe it was the night dress she was wearing that left nothing to the imagination. But my will was beaten down and I knew I was going to act selfishly, and here I thought I'd changed. I pushed from the wall taking her face before claiming her lips. The ones I hadn't been able to stop thinking about. The ones I had literally dreamt of. She didn't hesitate, her arms hooked around my neck as I moved my arms around her waist. She felt right, and I didn't know I could be made so happy yet so scared. As if I was at the edge of a cliff raging winds threatening to throw me over. But she was grounding me, holding me in place by her side. And dammit I wanted to stay. She stumbled back and we fell, I had to release her to catch myself so I didn't fall on top of her.
"Zuko?" She gasped eyes bright with oncoming tears, I had to close my eyes, catch my breath and put my head to her chest. I clenched my teeth together trying to regain control of myself.
"I don't want to hurt you" I grit out "hearing you say you want me makes me happy, far more than I have any right to be. And I want to accept it" her fingers came to the back of my neck playing with the ends of my hair and I tensed as goosebumps rose up. I'd never had that with Mei. The reality that I may have dated her to make her and Azula happy was starting to worry me Mei deserved better. Because it wasn't the same. It wasn't at all the same as this.
"Why can't you? Why is it so bad if we try?" She asked
"I'm a mess, I'm a traitor and I have a lot to make up for. Especially to you. And if Aang fails... it puts you in danger" I admitted
"I'm already in danger, Zuko. Have been all year" she says and I bury my head deeper as the guilt stabs my chest. Because for the most part... I was that danger. I'd kidnapped her, held her hostage, tried to kill her. What the hell was I thinking? I had no right "You're not the same"
"I'm not?" I scoffed her fingers came to my chin pulling up my face to look her in the eye.
"No" she deadpanned "you were a boy who wanted to go home. I don't know the full story but I have gathered that much. Toph explained some, she spoke with your Uncle once" she said gently. I remembered Toph mentioning that at the play "and I gave as good as I got Zuko" she said but that wasn't true at all. She could have killed me whenever she had wanted. She was decent and kind "I came at you multiple times too"
"You were provoked" I frowned
"Didn't mean I was any less angry. Especially in the catacombs. I wanted to kill you" she admitted her eyes welling with tears again "Does that mean I'm not allowed to care about you now?" She asked
"Of course not" I sighed but it wasn't the same. I wanted to say that but I got the feeling arguing with her would lead nowhere. She had made her mind up. It was only my choice holding her back.
"I-" I snapped my mouth closed and closed my eyes "have you even talked to Aang? Coming to this decision before the comet is-"
"I have. I told him I don't feel the same. He was understandably upset but he accepts that" she frowned as she spoke "Zuko, stop stalling. Please, just give me a straight answer?"
"I have... feelings for you too, I want to stay with you and its terrifying. But I don't think now is the time"
"That's fair" she nodded smiling at me. My heart felt like it was about to beat out my chest "so we don't make anything official. We just..." she put both hands to my face "enjoy the time we have. And when it's all over..." she trailed off pulling me up to hover over her face "we can go on a real date" she said factually, as if it was guaranteed and was set into a calander.
"Bu-"
"I want a date, Zuko" she deadpanned then looked unsure "I've never had one so I'm not sure how to do it. I imagine dinner..."
I smiled down at her my heart melting because that was cute.
"Dinner sounds perfect" I assured her leaning down to kiss her cheek "don't fret about it too much"
I felt like I'd never get my way again with her. It was always going to be her way and I was surprised... I didn't mind that. She seemed perfect to keep someone on the right path.
-
"You have a type you know that right?" Toph's voice came causing me to halt in my training. I was in a tree practicing my balance and was expecting her to be looking at me. But she was sat on the porch with Katara.
"I do not have a type" Katara huffed defensively
"Older, dark hair, serious, kind of grumpy" Toph teased
"You say that like I've dated anyone before" she glared "and those two were nothing like Zuko. He's..." she trailed off smiling and Toph gagged "Toph!" Katara groaned
"Okay, okay! Look I just don't get the secrecy. Or the hesitation if you both like each other and are already making out-"
"Because its not the right time" Katara sighed. And in our defence we had said to keep the kissing to a minimum but it was easier said than done. I grinned
"Because of Aang" Toph stated
"And he has it in hi-"
"Because of Aang" she said again and I had to frown. I wasn't delusional part of it was Aang. Obviously he needed to focus but, the war, the timing is awful.
"Toph" Katara snapped
"The only timing issue is that Aang needs to fight" she shrugged "its because of Aang. And that's stupid. If he loses its over. And if one of you dies you wasted time. Aang can get over it and be happy for you both. Its Aang. And he isn't going to let this effect his duty as the Avatar. You're both being cowards" she huffed and I almost laughed at the shock of it. Toph holds no punches, even in her advice. I saw Katara frown, not so much offended as taking in the opinion
"You really think so?" Katara asked "it seemed sensible to me"
"What do I know. I'm just calling it as I see it" she rolled her eyes at the obviohs pun "From how you two were tangled up yesterday you want each other" she pointed up to Katara "and if I had that... chance" I barely caught the hesitation "the only feelings that would matter to me were mine and his. Life, especially now, is too short to worry about others, no matter how much you love them" she shrugged and Katara smiled down at the blind girl. "Do not hu-" Toph groaned as Katara wrapped her arms around the blind girl.
"I forget you have a way with good advice. I mean it's brutal but... effective"
"Guess thinking so differently has its perks for us"
Katara laughed softly releasing Toph and nodded. So now Toph knew? I was surprised to find that didn't bother me. If Suki knew did that mean Sokka did? Was it such a good idea to leave Aang the last?
"You have feelings for someone?" Katara asked gently, she picked up on the hesitation too. Toph's face turned red and the soft smile that came to Katara's face was warming "Why didn't you say something?" She asked and Toph only shrugged
"Well, there's nothing I can do. Maybe after the war" she shrugged and Katara frowned at her
"Didn't you just tell me that is a waste of time?" Katara challenged
"Well I can't exactly flit home and come back" Toph quipped and Katara blushed
"Right" she said but Zuko saw the lie. Toph may be a good liar, but he saw the slight pull on her lips, the slight tension in her neck
"Besides we are talking about you. I think you need to tell the others. And go on the damned date, you deserve that much"
"I guess. I'll have to talk to him... you really think Aang will be okay?"
"He took the rejection fine" Toph shrugged then smiled "will Sokka do the big brother talk?" And laughed as Katara paled Zuko had to bite his lip to stop from smiling. He liked Toph. Though he wasn't looking forward to Aang and Sokka's reactions.
This is it. My fuel on this fic has ran out there will be no other chapters hope the last two chapters were enjoyable :)