CONRAD
„Well, it comes with the territory, Isabel. It's what you chose." That sounded harsher than I intended to. But there was no turning back now, I was mean enough for today. I walked out of the house feeling defeated, and there was no other way I could escape the uncomfortable air around us. The work was done in the upstairs bedrooms. It felt good to let out some steam with Steven and carry all of the heavy furniture.
I walked for a while, down the beach, of course. I was pretty beat up, but I knew the ocean would restore my strength again. I didn't sleep at all, it was horrible, watching the sun slowly and teasingly rise, mocking me for acknowledging it that early. I tried closing my eyes, but all I could see was Belly crying and me being the reason for that. Loving her brought some of the most beautiful moments of my life upon me, but also some of the most painful ones. Yet, I would never regret knowing her, let along loving her.
Steven and I wanted to meet up and go surf together. It was great being around Steven. He didn't ask questions. Partially because he didn't want to hear anything regarding his sister's love life, and partially because he knew I wasn't comfortable sharing anything that private between Belly and me.
I knew she was going on a date with him tonight. I was focusing hard on not thinking about that, but the thought of that made me sick. I was innerly so mad, and everything felt so uneasy, like I was at the verge of throwing a tantrum any second, like a little kid.
It was the perfect surfing weather, Steven was overly excited, and hearing him scream every time he fell made me laugh a bit. I was kneeling on my surfboard, and we were watching the sunset.
„I think it's kind of messed up." Steven said, looking straight ahead at the ocean in front of us.
„What is?" I looked at him, slightly confused.
„This thing with you and Belly, it all seems to be fucking you two up." He explained.
„There is nothing between us anymore." I said, showing my tough guy facade.
„You can just say you don't wanna talk about it, you don't need to lie." He said with a cheeky smile.
„I'm sorry man, it's just… It's been hard. I'm not taking it very well." I admitted. That was the truthful answer, I really wasn't handling it the way I wanted to. The pain demanded to be felt.
„It's alright, I just hate seeing the two of you so miserable."
„She isn't miserable." I said confidently, pretty sure of that.
„She will remain miserable as long as you act mad at her. She can't stand that. She will always care about you." He was balancing himself on his board, but he was still fully concentrated on our conversation.
„We're fine." I tried convincing both of us.
„You're only fine when she's around you, and she is only fine when you are." He wasn't annoyed that he needed to state the obvious, he was annoyed, because we both knew the truth, but I hated to admit that.
I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have everything she wanted in life. I wanted her to only cry because she is laughing too much. I wanted her to experience excitement and adventure and love. I wanted her to enjoy every second and never look back. The possibility of me not being the one to make it happen was heartbreaking, to say the least.
Steven was right, I was only fine when she was around me. When her laugh echoes through the air and her clumsiness makes me aware of our surroundings as if I had superhero senses. She was real, real feelings and real emotions. It was so clear that I love her.
Nevertheless, she was on a date with Jeremiah. He was opening the door for her and pulling out her chair and taking in the smell of her hair as she stepped in front of him. The thought wasn't crushing or destroying me, I wish it did. It was slowly burning, constantly and at an excruciating rate. To think that I will have to witness their affection in the future made me excited to leave for California.
Once it got completely dark, Steven and I sat down at the beach. Three of our friends from down the street joined us rather quickly. They brought three girls with them. We were all sitting, drinking and talking. One of the three, Steph sat down next to me rather close, considerably too close. That didn't feel comfortable, so I moved a bit.
She had brown hair, just like Belly and her New York accent made it obvious where she was from without me asking. She seemed highly interested in almost any topic that came up, getting invested very quickly. She listened like she was going to quizzed afterwards. I couldn't quite decipher if I found that fascinating or annoying. I found out she was starting Columbia this fall, she was very proud of that, so she must be Jere's age.
„I heard from Josh you're going to Stanford?" She tried making small-talk, I hate small-talk.
„Yeah." I answered and took a sip of my diet coke.
„Are you excited for it?"
„Yeah." I said and we both had to laugh. I didn't want to come off as disinterested, Steph caught me at a pretty rough time. I was the last person to be this impolite to someone without a reason, but more than ‚yeah' seemed not appropriate.
„I'm sorry, it just hasn't been my day." I apologised to her, and she smiled, forgiving me. It was a comforting smile and she seemed to be good at pulling those out on command and surprisingly they seemed rather genuine.
„What happened?" I wasn't expecting that, considering the scenery and the circumstances I expected her to ask me how she could change that, initiate a make out session to ‚make me feel better.' I already had a ‚no thanks' prepared.
„It's quite a boring story actually. It's been told so many times."
„You love her, and she doesn't love you back?" She asked, assuming the second most painful situation-ship.
„No, uuum… she does." I looked down, embarrassed.
„She cheated on you?" She raised her eyebrow.
„No."
„You cheated on her?"
„I would never cheat on her." In the best hopes of her not thinking I was a wuss, I looked at her.
„Fuck." Her eyes widened, and she dramatically covered her mouth, what a ‚theatre kid'.
„What?" I asked.
„She loves someone else."
I didn't need to say anything; my pathetic expression was louder than words.
„My brother." I added, and her jaw dropped. I don't know if that was for the dramatic effect. She grabbed my hand, probably to comfort me, but I pulled it away, it didn't feel right, I didn't want to hold her hand.
„Don't do it." She said in a confident tone.
„What?"
„Don't let that one go." She smiled and wrapped her arms around her knees before adding: „You're single, but you act the way girls wish their boyfriends would act around other girls. That must mean something." She did it again, that comforting smile thing, she was really good at it.
„Conor, you'll be fine." She winked at me.
„It's Conrad." I chuckled.
„Whatever." She smiled, and I smiled back. Maybe if I hadn't had the shittiest of times, we could have been friends, Belly would like her.
It was a pleasant evening, Steven was becoming more open with each beer, which I welcomed since all of the attention was on him and not my miserable mood. He even challenged me to a push-up contest, which I respectfully declined. That led him to believe I was afraid of his unmatchable muscles, or as he calls them ‚lightning and thunder', I will never hear the end of it.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see her face on my screen. It was a picture I took of her in New York, she looked so happy on it. I caught myself starring at it for too long. She was on her date with Jeremiah, and he was the one that she wanted to be tonight. Why was she calling me?
I kept starring at my screen for way too long, as it eventually went to voicemail. I couldn't even act all tough, being torn if I should call her back truly made me look like a lost puppy, and that was not a look I ever wanted to go for. I put my phone back to my pocket and continued listening to Steven tell yet another story from the night we threw the house party.
She made up her mind. Even if I wasn't too heartbroken to answer the call, I still don't see a reason why she would want to call me at this hour, especially considering we broke off our… secret little nothing that we had.
An hour had passed, and I was just considering asking Steven to go home, when his phone rang.
„Mom, we're at the beach, we'll be home soon." He answered the phone before Laurel had the chance say anything.
„What? What happened?" I was leaned back on my elbows, but I leaned forward to see what was going on. He looked worried, there was panic in his voice.
„Which hospital?" Hospital? Who's in a hospital?
„Yeah, don't worry. Bye" His face got completely pale, he looked like a ghost. It even got me scared.
„Belly is in the hospital, she had an accident."
I thought I didn't hear well, my heart dropped to my knees, and my eyes got wide open. I didn't think twice before I stood up and started running towards the car. Steven ran after me, leaving everyone else behind, completely confused.
„What happened?" I asked, but he didn't answer. Instead, he was already typing in the address of the hospital to his phone, something I didn't know at that point. I stopped in my tracks and yelled at him at the parking lot.
„What the fuck happened, Steven?" It felt utterly strange to posses this kind of panic and fury in my voice, I never head my voice this angry and frightened before. It's like I was listening to a stranger.
„She got hit by a car." I could feel my hands shake, they were usually cold, but I have never felt them sweat like this before. I was angry and shocked, and the whole world didn't feel real to me.
We sprinted to my car, and Steven gave me the address. I was usually a very careful driver, but I didn't care about the speed limit I was breaking as we raced to the hospital.
„What else did she say?" I couldn't calm myself down. I felt my body shake, and my brain was creating the most horrible scenarios possible. I needed to not think about it, I was going to make an accident myself if I don't stop imagining the worst.
„She just said that she is going into surgery and that it's bad." That didn't help.
One thing couldn't leave my mind, it was starting to eat me up alive: I didn't answer the damn phone. She called me. She needed me. I just stared at the fucking phone, and it was forever going to kill me if anything happens to her, I will never forgive myself for that.
Once I parked the car outside we ran inside as fast as we could to the Trauma Center. I could barely let out complete sentences. Frustration was rushing over my body, erasing every common sense that I had.
I apologise in advance for the next five hours of my life, those were the worst.
„Isabel Conklin, where is she?" I asked and slammed my hands against the counter of the half-asleep receptionist.
„Conklin, Conklin… let me check." I was usually a patient person, but this was testing me.
„Could you be any damn slower?" I asked, and Steven placed a hand on my shoulder to signal me that I wasn't going to find her quicker if I was rude to the guy.
„She is in surgery, you may wait with the family."
„We are family." Steven growled at the guy, and he showed us a map of the floor and pointed to the waiting room where Laurel was waiting.
We walked up to the waiting room to find Laurel, pacing back and forth, and Shayla and Jeremiah sitting on opposite sides of the long hallway.
„Shayla?" Steven asked surprised, neither one of us expected her to be there. She stood up and walked over to him to hug him. He wrapped his hands tightly around her, and she buried her head into his chest. She had been crying, it was evident on her red eyes. Was it that bad?
I rushed over to Laurel, and Jere stood up in front of me.
„I had nothing to do with this Connie, I swear I-" and with that, I pushed him back into his seat again.
„You better shut your fucking mouth, Jere. You were suppose to take care of her, I will deal with you later." I spat out, pointing at him in fury.
I was past shock and absolute horror-. Everyone starred at the two of us, but I didn't care. I hated him right now. My feet were shaking, but they made their way over to Laurel. I have never seen her this worried, she was in her pyjamas and those ugly Ugg boots she got from Belly for Christmas.
„What happened?" I asked, someone needed to finally explain to me what in the world was going on and why Belly was being cut open.
„She got hit by a car, she lost a lot of blood, broken several ribs and suffered severe spinal cord injuries." I stepped back and almost tripped over nothing. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and the room was getting smaller.
„She was trying to call someone to drive her back home." Shayla added.
She was trying to call me. She wanted me to drive her back home. I would always pick her up if I had known she needed me. This was my fault. I caused this. I did this.
I couldn't balance my own body, so I sat down. I starred at my feet, and Steven and Shayla decided to go grab coffee for everyone. Jeremiah was sent back to the house by Laurel to grab fresh clothes for her and stuff Belly might need when she wakes up. If she wakes up.
A nurse walked out of the room and I instantly stood up. Laurel and I rushed over to her to ask her what was going on.
„We can't say yet, the surgeons are doing their best."
„But she will be okay, right?" I asked and I was surprised words would even come out of my mouth.
„We will do everything in our power to help Isabel." She clung onto her clipboard, and I stepped back.
I felt helpless and weak. I fell down onto the chair again, and Laurel sat down next to me and wrapped an arm around me.
„She is going to be fine."
„I need Laur, I can't live without her." I looked at her, and unwanted tears fell down my cheeks. The thought of losing her was destroying me, absolutely crushing me to the core.
„You'll be fine."
„I'll be fine when she's fine." She wiped tears away from my face, and I leaned my head forward and buried it in my hands, my eyes felt like they were burning.
„She was trying to call me, Laur, she wanted me to get her. This is my fault." I was shaking my head in disbelief.
„This isn't your fault Connie, she's going to be okay. Our girl is going to be okay." She gently rubbed my back, trying to comfort me.
It was devastating, her needing to comfort me when her own child was on the operating table. I knew this was her way of coping with this pain and uncertainty, but it was still my responsibility to comfort her in times like these.
Hours passed, nurses were running in and out of the room and each time I would raise my hopes up that someone would give us good news, only to fall down into deeper worry that it's taking this long.
Belly was my whole world, ever since I can remember, I've known that Belly was going to be something to me, either my biggest joy in life or my most devastating heartbreak. Turns out… she was both. This wasn't how it was suppose to go, I was suppose to have to more time, more time with her, more time to think of a way to show her what she means to me. She now might never know, she might never see what she was to me, how important she was to me.
I didn't tell her enough. I didn't tell her enough how beautiful and how smart she was, how the whole world changed colour when she laughed. I didn't tell her enough how excited my heart was to see her every time. How in awe of her I was every first day of summer when I would see her for the first time in forever. How I missed her the first day back in Boston after the summer.
I hoped for our love to never grow old. I wanted it to stay as it was, I wanted her to always count on me, to always come to me. I wanted for nothing to change, ever. Now, all I want is for our love to grow old, to evolve, to rise, to change and be better. I want to get better with her, for her. I need more time with her.
The last thing I told her was so cold, it was so bitter, it wasn't us. That cannot be the last thing I ever told her. I had so much I needed to tell her, so much I wanted her to know. That can't just be it.
Shayla and Steven returned and sat down on the opposite side of us after handing us some coffee. Shayla was holding Steven's hand, and he didn't seem to mind.
„Any news?" Steven asked, I have never heard this much concern in anyone's voice.
„Not yet." Laurel said. On the outside, you would say Laurel kept her cool, but her nervous tapping against the floor with her foot gave it away, she was terrified, just like we all were.
Jeremiah dared to grace us with his presence an hour later. He didn't, however, dare to sit anywhere near me, as I was moments away from slamming his head against the nearest door for letting this happen. He was out with her, how could he let her go home alone? He was suppose to make sure she was okay. What happened on their date for her to wander off alone?
Laurel thanked him for the packed bag, and he nodded. He seemed embarrassed, and I just wondered what he did for her to want to call me out of all people when they were obviously still out having fun.
After an hour of Laurel pacing around, Shayla comforting Steven, Jeremiah avoiding eye-contact at any cost, and me breaking apart piece by piece, a doctor walked out of the room and we all stood up.
„She is out of surgery." I let out a big sigh of relief, that was good news, right?
„Is she awake? Can we see her?" Jere asked.
"The surgery was successful in terms of addressing the critical issues. However, the extent of the injuries and the trauma from the accident make it challenging for us to predict with certainty when or if Isabel will regain consciousness." His tone was steady and firm, he has done this millions of times.
„She might now wake up?" Steven asked, and Jere looked down, ashamed again. My fists clutch together as I observed him.
„The coming hours and days will be critical, and we will continue to assess Isabel's responsiveness." The doctor answered, and after Laurel nodded, he stepped away.
„Can we see her?" She asked him and he nodded.
I was already on my way to move pass the doctor to her when Steven offered to drive Shayla home, as her family would be worried about her. Laurel followed me, but stopped in her tracks to see Jeremiah stand on his spot. He seemed so lifeless and scared.
„You guys go ahead, I will… I will…"
I looked at him with such disgust. Belly needed him, she needed her boyfriend to be close to her, to hold her hand, to feel his presence and he cowardly stood there? Was he afraid what he might see? Was he afraid I might stop him?
I didn't even care at this point, I needed to see her. I walked past the door of the room they transported her in.
Nothing could ever prepare me for this sight. She was covered in bruises, yet completely pale, deprived of blood. Her whole left arm and leg were in a cast, and I've never been more scared in my life. The beeping monitor was the only sound in the room as the last nurse left the room when I walked in. I just crumbled.
Laurel followed me inside and took a seat next to Belly. Another nurse came in, and Laurel hid the tears that were falling down her cheeks. It was terrifying, and I couldn't keep myself together either.
„We're gonna get through this." Laurel whispered to me. I stepped next to her, and she placed her hand on top of mine, which was resting on her shoulder.
„I love her so much, Laur."
„I know kid, I know you do." She gave me the weakest smile and moved a piece of Belly's hair gently away from her face, revealing the extend of her injuries even more.
I wasn't allowing myself the thought in which she wouldn't wake up. I promised myself I was going to be patient and there for her. She will feel my presence, she will know how much I need her, she will know, we always know.
We knew we needed to leave the room soon, as it was already morning and way pass any visiting hours. But an hour in, I heard Steven yell back in the hallway.
„Shayla told me everything!" I heard Steven yell.
„I've known Jess since I was a kid, it's not that serious." Jere defended himself. Jess? What did he do?
Laurel looked up at me with tired eyes, she was just as exhausted as we were. I understood the assignment and I made my way over to them.
„Are you two out of your fucking minds? Belly is in there fighting for her life, and you two are screaming at each other?" I tried calming them down, but Steven then said:
„He cheated on Belly tonight, she got ran over trying to get away from him."
Silence. It surrounded us, and halfway in analysing what he just said to me, I clench my fists, trying to hold it all in, but it's like this pressure cooker ready to blow. The world blurred around me, and all I could hear was the rush of blood in my ears. It was like a storm, and I was right in the middle of it.
I looked over to Jeremiah and he was shaking his head, but he wasn't denying it.
„Is that true?" I asked him, deprived of any brotherly emotion towards him.
„It was just a kiss, it wasn't anything that serious and you know Jess-"
I walked towards him and grabbed him by his shirt. I pulled him to the nearest exit to our right and pushed him outside. The whole hospital didn't need to see the following.
„Jere, I will ask you one more fucking time, is that true?"
„I didn't mean for her to get hurt." The last fucking straw. I punched him with strength I didn't know I had in me and he almost fell to the ground. He didn't deserve for me to pity him or to feel sorry for him. I've been punching him often this summer, he deserved it.
„If anything happens to her, it's on you." Full of rage I looked him dead into his eyes. This wasn't my brother, this wasn't who we were raised to be.
She didn't raise us like this, she would be disappointed.